I got stuck planning my own shower! (I need to vent)

Re: I got stuck planning my own shower! (I need to vent)

• AdeleDazeem member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Let's do this in parts.
  
  Part 1: The shower.  I happen to agree with you and think if your MOH had a problem with people staying a long time, it was her house and she should have stood up and taken the proper approach to get them to leave.  If she thought that was your job, then she should have told you that it was time for them to go.  I think her anger is misplaced.  But, perhaps she's stressed and she's relieving it the wrong way. 
  
  Part 2: I know it's easy to get wrapped up in your own wedding and think that everyone else involved is also wrapped up in your wedding, too.  But, the truth is that if your bm wants to tan, then she can tan.  If your bm is saying she's stressed about money and then goes and buys an Audi, that is her business.  Maybe that purchase had been planned for a long time.  Their lives don't stop because your wedding DAY is on the horizon.
  

  
  

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• quotequeen member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  You shouldn't have planned your own shower and you shouldn't be planning your own b-party either.  If your MOH offered to throw it for you, you should have stepped back to let her do so.  If she didn't get it together, then you didn't get a second shower - such is life.
  
  No, just because you're getting married, that doesn't mean everything is about you.  It doesn't make it ok to tell people how to handle their own bodies, such as not tanning.  If she likes the way she looks, that should be what matters.
  
  You shouldn't be telling anybody that she "doesn't have to pay for the b-party" since nobody ever HAS to pay for one - it's a gift that people may or may not choose to give you.  And what she does with her money is absolutely none of your business.
  

  Married 10/2/10

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• quotequeen member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_got-stuck-planning-own-shower-need-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d84d5645-d82d-4efb-ad53-f6e5fbae77faPost:dbf9a79a-29a1-44bb-a565-cf9ac3ccfca7">I got stuck planning my own shower! (I need to vent)</a>:
  [QUOTE]My first shower was a surprise and therefore I had no control of the guest list.  When I showed up it was 20 women who are all related to my groom, my mom and 1 (yes, that's one!) of my friends were there!  I later found out that most of my friends weren't invited.  I felt really bad about this and when I talked to my MOH about this, she felt bad and decided to open up her house to throw me another shower for those friends that weren't invited to the first. We did this party on a budget so instead of invites we had an evite.  I created the evite with the help of my MOH.  I picked out and purchased the party favors, small gifts for the games that I researched and picked to play at the party, the supplies for the games, the decorations, all the drinks except for the white wine, and all cake mixes and frosting to make cupcakes.  The theme was pot luck so luckily I didn't have to supply any more than the drinks and dessert and my MOH did pay for the plates, cups, table cloth and a veggie platter. I created the decorations and advise cards.  OH!  And when I got to my MOH's house (I was staying there since I live 6 hours away), it hadn't been clean in who know's how long.  I vacumed the hell out of her house!  We had a really nice party.  I was having a good time.  Some of the guests stayed longer passed the end time.  I assumed that since my MOH wasn't trying to nicely ask people to leave, or give me any visual hints that she wanted them to leave, or pull me to the side and tell me she wanted them to leave, I thought it was ok they were still there.  Around 9 o'clock, she starts to clean up, so the very few guests that were still there and I start to help clean up.  After we take the trash out and they leave, she then proceds to ignore me as she gets ready for bed. (A normal sign that she's mad/annoyed with me.)  Flash to the next morning and she confronts me that she was pissed because guests stayed way later than planned as if it was my fault!  How dare she attack me for guests staying later than what she planned after I, yes, I planned my own shower and had to pretend to everyone who came that she planned it!  She WAS the host and normally the host should take care of any straglers!  I couldn't believe her!  I'm not a demanding bride.  She picked out her dress for the wedding, she picked out her shoes.  I don't care how she does her hair or make-up.  The only thing I told her was to go easy on the tanning (she can sometimes look a little crispy).  I'm trying to figure out the cheapest brachelorette party since all my bridesmaids and myself are on serious budgets.  I don't know how much more accomadating I can be!?! Let's not even get started with my long-distance bridesmaid who decided to interupt me before I finished telling her that she wouldn't have to pay for the bachelorette party, to tell me that she's paying so much money to be a part of my wedding because she is paying for 3 plane tickets for her, her bf, and her DOG to fly here for the wedding and then a few days later goes and buys an Audi! I know it's my wedding and all but for once can it be about me?!?!?  I can't believe I have such selfish friends! Thoughts, comments, suggestions on how to deal with this mess...
  Posted by ChiaraM[/QUOTE]
  
  JIC

  Married 10/2/10

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• sreitme

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree with the PP. You shouldn't plan your own shower and you shouldn't expect someone else to either. It's really too bad some of your friends weren't included at your first shower, but unfortunately, it sounds like it was out of your hands.

  
  

  I think you should thank your MOH for hosting an additional shower and offering her house for it. Send her a nice thank you note and I'd just let the situation with the late attendees go - it was a miscommunication.

  This kind of love is what I dreamed about ~6.4.10~

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• arv266

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Thoughts, comments, suggestions on how to deal with this mess...
  
  1.) Read the advice given by the PP.  It is wise.
  
  2.) Take a good look at what you posted.  To the outsider, it seems that the only one being selfish is you.
  
  3.) Remember that NO one will be AS INTO your wedding AS YOU ARE.  Sorry, but being a bride does not mean that everything has to be about you.  
  
  4.) Instead of being annoyed at your MOH and BM be THANKFUL that you have friends that are willing to stand up with you.
  
  

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• trix1223 member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Sorry, darlin'.  please read arv's post.  Then read everyone else's post.  Then realize that no one has done anything wrong here.  And then relax.

  "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146

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• frenchy730 member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  To start, you shouldn't have planned your own shower.  Someone was nice enough to give you a shower already, just because you weren't satisfied with the guests doesn't mean you have the right to throw yourself a second shower to make up for the first's deficiencies. 
  
  Your MOH was very generous to offer to host the second shower for you.  As PPs said, you should have stepped back and allowed her to plan the shower she wanted to give.  It was nice of you to be of so much help with all the details, but did your MOH ask for your help.
  
  And yes, I agree that it does suck your friend was upset about the late attendees.  It sounds like she was just frustrated over the course the party took.  Just appologize on their behalf and let it go.
  
  Stop planning your bachelorette party right this very second.  I get that you are sympathetic to your friends' budgets, but let them plan this, if they want to do it.  If they are not interested, you just don't get to have a bach party, and the world will continue on.
  
  I understand you are excited about your wedding, but what people do with their money is none of your concern.  What they decide to spend or not spend on is not your decision, and you should not judge their choices.  Your wedding is important, but it's not the only thing other people have going on in their lives.  Just relax.
  

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• ChiaraM

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Ok, I see in my vent that I was not very clear. 
  
  1) My MOH offered her house for the shower.  I can see that maybe having a second shower was not a good idea since my MOH didn't actually offer to throw it but host it.  Thefore you all are right on that one.
  
  2) My bm was not planning on purchasing a new car.  It was a spur of the moment purchase.  I'm totally fine that she bought a car but I don't really want to hear you complain about how my wedding is costing you this and that.  Before she started to complain, I did offer to help pay but she refused.  If she couldn't afford it then maybe she shouldn't have agreed to be a bm or she could have pulled out of the wedding.  I'm totally flexible if someone feels like this is no longer something they want to do.
  
  3) I don't expect my bridesmaids and MOH to talk about my wedding with me and about every detail.  I don't even tell them things unless they ask.  You should understand that 2 of the girls I've known since middle school and I've always let them have the spotlight and that's fine by me, I don't actually want the spotlight.  I'm not excited about my FI and I's first dance  because I don't really want all those eyes on me (I know I need to get over this! )  All I'm asking from my bridesmaids and MOH is this, don't make me feel like crap right after my bridal shower and when I'm trying to be accomadating to your budget, don't act like I'm forcing you to be apart of my wedding and I'm twisting your arm to pay for a plane ticket for your dog (who is not in the wedding).  I just don't want drama.
  
  
  Oh, and I no longer want a bachelorette party for fear of the drama. 

  

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• quotequeen member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  2) My bm was not planning on purchasing a new car.  It was a spur of the moment purchase.  I'm totally fine that she bought a car but I don't really want to hear you complain about how my wedding is costing you this and that.  Before she started to complain, I did offer to help pay but she refused.  If she couldn't afford it then maybe she shouldn't have agreed to be a bm or she could have pulled out of the wedding.  I'm totally flexible if someone feels like this is no longer something they want to do.
  
  Just say "I'm sorry to hear that," and change the subject.  Just as her money troubles are not your business, they are also not your problem.  If she is complaining about the cost of something YOU are asking for (and it sounds like she's not) then you can offer solutions to help.  So if she says she can't afford the dress, you can say "Oh, have you looked on ebay?  I can check and see if they have something in the right color and size if you like."  Or if she's complaining about shoes, tell her she can wear something that's already in her closet.  Otherwise, just change the subject.

  Married 10/2/10

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• heyimbren member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  There's no problem with you having a second shower if your MOH offered. However, it sounds to me like you took over the planning of this second shower, which you shouldn't have done. If she didn't get around to planning it, then there just wouldn't be a shower. The planning has nothing to do with you.
  
  I agree with you that as the host, it was her job to ask people to leave if that's how she felt. However, you knowingly stayed later than the party was set for, so perhaps at that time you should have graciously bowed out and said that it was time for you to go. But it was not your place to ask everyone else to leave, as your MOH seems to think.
  
  Also, a pot luck theme? I don't know how I feel about that.
  
  Don't plan the bachelorette. That isn't your place to do so, so just let it go.
  
  It sounds like you're being fairly accomodating, but I also fail to see how it isn't already "all about you". If you're asking for very little, it sounds like you're getting what you're asking for.

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• ChiaraM

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  qq, I did tell her she could wear whatever was in her closet and that I'm not trying to have anyone break the bank to be a part of this wedding.  Her response, "Well, I guess that's one thing I don't have to worry about paying for."  But whatev, I just needed to vent and now I'm good.  I have bigger things to worry about and if she decides at the last moment that she can't afford to be in the wedding than one of my bridesmaids gets to walk with 2 groomsmen.  I'm at the whatever-stage. lol!
  
  Bren, I couldn't leave her house because I live out of town and had been staying at her house, on her sofa, 2 nights prior to the shower.  I also was walking on eggshells the day before the shower because she kept making comments that made it seem like the shower was a burden on her when she didn't have much to do to begin with.  I arranged for me to go stay at my in-laws the following day because of how I felt about her attitude the evening of the shower (they live an hour away from her).
  
  Also, because a lot of you have been thinking that I took over my shower, I was starting to think maybe my MOH thought that way too so I decided to bring it up to her, to see if she thought I took it over.  It was a very friendly conversation (she apparently was still unaware of how she made me feel at the shower).  She flat out said she didn't think I took over since she was so busy with everything else in her life and wouldn't have been able to do as good a job.  I guess I'm glad to know now that she doesn't think I took it away from her.
  
  I'm not planning the bachelorette party anymore because I don't care if I have one at this point.  I'm fine with the wedding and the honeymoon from now on.

  

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• sdenk6378 member

  

  October 2010 edited December 2011

  To me, it sounds like maybe you need new friends for your new adult life.  I personally don't know your friends, obviously, but seems like they have not matured much since middle school.  There is no reason your MOH should be making you so uncomfortable at your own party/during your visit in her home or why your other BMs should be making you feel bad about your wedding.  My friends are beyond excited to throw me parties, help me, etc. because, as my friends, they believe I deserve it.  
  Also, a lot of people are just saying to forget the bach. party if no one steps up to the plate.  I would venture to say that many of them are having one, since it is pretty standard.  Why shouldn't you have the party you want just because your "friends" are dropping the ball on this one?  Perhaps many responders are taking their situations for granted and it is easy to say "just forget it" but I say, if you want it, do it.  
  Just an alternate thought/point of view. 

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