Public Ceremony, Private Reception

mf898 · October 2012

We have about 110 people on our guestlist which we would love for them to see our ceremony but we can't afford to pay for 110 people at the reception. We've thought about just inviting close family members and close friends to the reception or asking all of the guests to pay for their plates. We are overwhelmed and we don't want to offend anyone; we may even elope so that we don't have to deal with anyone snarling. This is our first (and only) wedding, we don't want to spend a fortune on the wedding but would rather spend it on our honeymoon. What should we do?

DramaGeek · October 2012

Please tell me you're joking.

No, you cannot invite people to the ceremony and then not host them at a reception. The reception is a thank you to the guests for attending the ceremony.

What you can do is keep it very simple. Have your ceremony at 2pm and serve cake and punch/coffee afterward.

The other option is to cut your guest list down to what you can afford.

Meegles4 · October 2012

You should elope. You should not have people pay for their plates (even if it's a family only receptions). And you should not invite anyone to the ceremony whom you can't accommodate and host at a reception.

It's perfectly fine to want a kick-ass trip over a big elaborate wedding. But you need to have that decision and own it by having a wedding with just the two of you or doing a more affordable reception (i.e. cake/punch).

arendiva · October 2012

If you can't afford refreshments for 110 people than you can't afford to invite 110 people to your wedding. You don't have to elope. You just have to scale down your expectations to what you can afford. If all you can afford is cake and punch than cake and punch it is. But do not have a tiered event. And especially do not require your guests to pay for food.

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

You went about things backwards. You first determine how many people you can host and then make a guest list.

You are hosting an event, which means you provide food, drink and entertainment. If you can only provide that for ten people, then your guest list is ten people.

Cortney1982 · October 2012

Um I'm glad you came here before you made your plans. As everybody here has said you do not make your guests pay or invite people you cannot afford to host afterwards.

Elope or invite as many people as you can host a cake and punch reception. You don't have to serve a meal if it's not at a meal time.

QueerFemme · October 2012

You should elope, or have a private ceremony with your parents and siblings and maybe just go out to dinner after the ceremony.

You can NOT invite a bunch of people the ceremony and then not host them at a reception.

Rude ass.

mf898 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:c293b9d8-88a8-4c22-b335-0482eb3dc94f">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]You should elope, or have a private ceremony with your parents and siblings and maybe just go out to dinner after the ceremony. You can NOT invite a bunch of people the ceremony and then not host them at a reception. Rude ass.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I posted on this blog for advise so the name calling is unneccessary and thus rude.

mf898 · October 2012

We haven't sent invitations, or pinned down a date for that matter. We've never been married, don't know how to begin to plan a wedding and therefore don't know the proper wedding etiquette. I appreciate the responses and will discuss the options with my fiancé. We had no idea that just having "cake & punch" was another alternative and may be the best plan to accommodate our guests and what we want. Thank you

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:98851110-1c29-4e19-9fbd-31146e4285fe">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't sent invitations, or pinned down a date for that matter. We've never been married, don't know how to begin to plan a wedding and therefore don't know the proper wedding etiquette. I appreciate the responses and will discuss the options with my fiancé. We had no idea that just having "cake & punch" was another alternative and may be the best plan to accommodate our guests and what we want. Thank you
Posted by mf898[/QUOTE]

Yup. Cake and punch is fine! You can also just do small finger foods with soda/tea/water/coffee. Not every reception is the full blown meal, open bar, band, dance-fest. There are many options for many different budgets.

Figure out how much you have to spend. Figure out how many people you can host based on your venue and the food/drink options. If you don't want to serve a full meal, your wedding should be a non-meal time (2pm or 8pm). If you want a 6pm wedding, then you have to serve dinner, which will be more money.

No, you don't need open bar and it's perfectly fine to have a dry wedding, but this doesn't mean a cash bar is acceptable. Just host beer and wine. Just host a signature drink. If you do a brunch wedding (which will be cheaper), you could just host mimosas and bloody marys (for example). Also, please no "pot-luck" ideas. The hosts (you) must pay for all food, drink and entertainment.

Many people do iPod receptions. That saves you money on a DJ or a band.

There are so many ways to save money. But, first things first - you need to set a budget and figure out what you can afford to host and when. The most important thing is to host your guests correctly. The ceremony is for you and your husband while the reception is a thank you to your guests for watching it.

Most of us had never planned a wedding before. We all figured it out as we went along.

mf898 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:13980fac-6a4b-49cb-84a7-f835e1e94f90">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : Yup. Cake and punch is fine! You can also just do small finger foods with soda/tea/water/coffee. Not every reception is the full blown meal, open bar, band, dance-fest. There are many options for many different budgets. Figure out how much you have to spend. Figure out how many people you can host based on your venue and the food/drink options. If you don't want to serve a full meal, your wedding should be a non-meal time (2pm or 8pm). If you want a 6pm wedding, then you have to serve dinner, which will be more money. No, you don't need open bar and it's perfectly fine to have a dry wedding, but this doesn't mean a cash bar is acceptable. Just host beer and wine. Just host a signature drink. If you do a brunch wedding (which will be cheaper), you could just host mimosas and bloody marys (for example). Also, please no "pot-luck" ideas. The hosts (you) must pay for all food, drink and entertainment. Many people do iPod receptions. That saves you money on a DJ or a band. There are so many ways to save money. But, first things first - you need to set a budget and figure out what you can afford to host and when. The most important thing is to host your guests correctly. The ceremony is for you and your husband while the reception is a thank you to your guests for watching it. Most of us had never planned a wedding before. We all figured it out as we went along.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Very good advise. Thank you for taking time to write to me.

amyb140 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:5135044f-2e57-4ac8-a3b5-19b75fbeb8ce">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]You went about things backwards. You first determine how many people you can host and then make a guest list. You are hosting an event, which means you provide food, drink and entertainment. If you can only provide that for ten people, then your guest list is ten people.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>I actually disagree with this. I think you should figure out the guest list, and then based on your budget figure out how to properly host them. People are the most important thing.</div>

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:5cb36092-8825-444d-a199-669d58c09e4c">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : I posted on this blog for advise so the name calling is unneccessary and thus rude.
Posted by mf898[/QUOTE]

<span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">Well, you are, in fact, being a rude ass. Even <u>suggesting</u> (in your original post) that your honeymoon was more important that hosting the 110 people that you want to come see you get married, is rude. You indicated that you wanted all of these people to come to your married, but then you want them to pay for their own plates? I honestly can't get past how you would even think for a second that would be ok. </span><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;"> </span><strong><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">“We've thought about just inviting close family members and close friends to the reception or asking all of the guests to pay for their plates.”</span></strong><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">

<strong><span style="font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';">"This is our first (and only) wedding, we don't want to spend a fortune on the wedding but would rather spend it on our honeymoon. What should we do? "</span></strong><strong>

</strong>Also, you may want to try not to be quite that high & mighty when talking about this being your "ONLY" wedding. You have no idea what is going to happen in your life. There are plenty of brides here that are on their second weddings (or third, or whatever), because their first spouse died, or they ended up getting divorced for whatever reason. Hopefully, neither of those things will happen to you. But, you really have no idea. So, if you are worried about people being rude on a blog, you might want to start with yourself. (This isn't a blog, by the way, it's a message board). </span>

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:9ef5b0cc-f27d-414c-93da-dc0e3da8bd31">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]ADVICE!! People give adivce. Advise is a verb.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

With the exception of the small typo in your above post... this is probably my favorite post of the day! Advise/advice is only second to the "aisle/isle" confusion on my list of pet peeves on TK.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:98851110-1c29-4e19-9fbd-31146e4285fe">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't sent invitations, or pinned down a date for that matter. We've never been married, don't know how to begin to plan a wedding and therefore don't know the proper wedding etiquette. I appreciate the responses and will discuss the options with my fiancé. We had no idea that just having "cake & punch" was another alternative and may be the best plan to accommodate our guests and what we want. Thank you
Posted by mf898[/QUOTE]

MOST of us have only ever planned 1 wedding.

Some things are common sense. You don't host a dinner party and ask people to give you $20, so you can't do that at your wedding.

Some things can be discovered through legitimate etiquette books. Miss Manners and Emily Post have wedding etiquette books you might find helpful. (Don't use online advice columns - they might not be legitimate.)

And finally, ask questions here.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:98851110-1c29-4e19-9fbd-31146e4285fe">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We haven't sent invitations, or pinned down a date for that matter. We've never been married, don't know how to begin to plan a wedding and therefore don't know the proper wedding etiquette. I appreciate the responses and will discuss the options with my fiancé. We had no idea that just having "cake & punch" was another alternative and may be the best plan to accommodate our guests and what we want. Thank you
Posted by mf898[/QUOTE]
Cake and punch is perfectly fine, as long as your wedding and reception are not at a meal time. 2 pm is a good time for a cake and punch wedding and reception. Anything between 5 and 8 needs to serve a meal, or enough food to constitute a meal. Before 2 you get into lunch time and a meal needs to be served then as well. If you start your wedding ceremony at 8 pm you can have a dessert reception as well.

arco13 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:3d96a147-cedf-45ac-9c65-0167d1e51a37">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : Well, you are, in fact, being a rude ass. Even suggesting (in your original post) that your honeymoon was more important that hosting the 110 people that you want to come see you get married, is rude. You indicated that you wanted all of these people to come to your married, but then you want them to pay for their own plates? I honestly can't get past how you would even think for a second that would be ok. “We've thought about just inviting close family members and close friends to the reception or asking all of the guests to pay for their plates.” "This is our first (and only) wedding, we don't want to spend a fortune on the wedding but would rather spend it on our honeymoon. What should we do? " Also, you may want to try not to be quite that high & mighty when talking about this being your "ONLY" wedding. You have no idea what is going to happen in your life. There are plenty of brides here that are on their second weddings (or third, or whatever), because their first spouse died, or they ended up getting divorced for whatever reason. Hopefully, neither of those things will happen to you. But, you really have no idea. So, if you are worried about people being rude on a blog, you might want to start with yourself. (This isn't a blog, by the way, it's a message board).
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I feel like this entire response (and originally calling OP a rude ass) was kind of overkill. OP already admitted that she doesn't know a lot about wedding planning, and as soon as several posters told her this type of wedding is considered rude, she immediately reconsidered and graciously accepted further advice.

Isn't that why this board is here? People who may not know proper etiquette asking for advice on what is and isn't appropriate? Some people just don't know better until they ask. Like the thread earlier today with the girl whose sister held a reception where only some people got dinner, and others were sent somewhere else with snacks. Later on in the thread, it seemed like the girl had been invited to a lot of tiered weddings, and just accepted it as the norm.

I just don't see what's to be gained from repeatedly calling OP rude, when she's already accepted that she may have had the wrong idea.

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:8ee58c7d-a4db-4390-aaa1-6a69cefa006d">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : I feel like this entire response (and originally calling OP a rude ass) was kind of overkill. OP already admitted that she doesn't know a lot about wedding planning, and as soon as several posters told her this type of wedding is considered rude, she immediately reconsidered and graciously accepted further advice. Isn't that why this board is here? People who may not know proper etiquette asking for advice on what is and isn't appropriate? Some people just don't know better until they ask. Like the thread earlier today with the girl whose sister held a reception where only some people got dinner, and others were sent somewhere else with snacks. Later on in the thread, it seemed like the girl had been invited to a lot of tiered weddings, and just accepted it as the norm. I just don't see what's to be gained from repeatedly calling OP rude, when she's already accepted that she may have had the wrong idea.
Posted by arco13[/QUOTE]

It may be overkill, but seriously, I do not believe someone has to have ever planned a wedding to know that charging your invited guests to come to a party is rude ass move. Or inviting someone to dinner, but asking them to leave before dessert is served is rude.   A wedding is no different.

If OP have ever had people over for dinner, or to a birthday party, or been to a birthday party or dinner party, you don't get charged an admission fee.   And, if the OP (or the other post about her sister's wedding) had spent even 5 minutes cruising through previous posts, they would know that this idea was horribly rude.   But, in my opinion, it's just common sense.

Also, as far as the overkill thing goes. Often, in my experience on these boards, until someone sees that 3, 5, 40 people agree that an idea is rude, the OP will continue to think that it is just one mean ol knottie that disagrees with them. Which is often why you will see someone post a very similar response as a PP or continue to post "this" over and over again.

And the beauty of these boards, is that they are public. And overkill isn't uncommon.

RebeccaB88 · October 2012

You really do have several options here. If you would love to have a candlelight ceremony, have that at 8pm, then a dessert reception. Cake, mini dessert trays, fruit, chocolate fountain, ice cream sundae bar, with champagne, coffee, tea, soft drinks, hot chocolate or cider. Maybe some finger sandwiches or chips/veggies and dip to cut the sugar a bit.

If you want to get marred outside during the day, do it around 2pm and then you can do the sweets/chips and dip thing, or just cake, punch, and beverages.

If you really want a meal, local barbecue restaurants or sometimes ethnic restaurants will cater parties for less money than a caterer, especially if you do lunch. Same with culinary schools or gourmet supermarkets.

You don't have to serve alcohol. That will help keep costs down. Or, if you do want some alcohol, just have champagne or a spiked punch. Or, beer, if you have a beer crowd.

DramaGeek · October 2012

OP, you have a few options for planning, but they ALL start with setting a budget first.

1) Set a budget

2) Set your guest list

3) Find a venue that fits budget and guest list

OR

1) Set a budget

2) Set your date

3) Find a venue

4) Crete a guest list that fits your venue and budget

OR

1) Set a budget

2) Find a venue

3) Set a date

4) Create a guest list that fits your venue and budget

It sounds like you've already got your guest list and budget. Now the trick is to find a venue that is a) big enough for your whole guest list and b) affordable to feed everyone. WHAT you feed them is totally up to you, just make sure it's appropriate for the time of day.

arco13 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:f430dc9e-4b5f-4d5d-a3fa-7a9ad3df0e06">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : It may be overkill, but seriously, I do not believe someone has to have ever planned a wedding to know that charging your invited guests to come to a party is rude ass move. Or inviting someone to dinner, but asking them to leave before dessert is served is rude. A wedding is no different. If OP have ever had people over for dinner, or to a birthday party, or been to a birthday party or dinner party, you don't get charged an admission fee. And, if the OP (or the other post about her sister's wedding) had spent even 5 minutes cruising through previous posts, they would know that this idea was horribly rude. But, in my opinion, it's just common sense. Also, as far as the overkill thing goes. Often, in my experience on these boards, <strong>until someone sees that 3, 5, 40 people agree that an idea is rude, the OP will continue to think that it is just one mean ol knottie that disagrees with them.</strong> Which is often why you will see someone post a very similar response as a PP or continue to post "this" over and over again. And the beauty of these boards, is that they are public. And overkill isn't uncommon.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I understand that's the case a lot of the time, trust me, I lurk a lot, I've seen them all. But this was a case where the OP didn't think that, she pretty quickly came back and said she would consider the advice from the board. I guess it just feels like for an etiquette board, the knotties can get pretty nasty while trying to call out rude behavior, it just always feels so unecessary. </div><div>
</div><div>I do agree that the OP probably could've learned what she needed to know by reading the board, I just don't see the need for going after someone who was being receptive to advice. </div>

PJSPJS · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_public-ceremony-private-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:591dd805-53f2-4201-9a20-a33f54219d02Post:cfac5fcb-b7e9-49db-b7b1-3a40390e2b95">Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Public Ceremony, Private Reception : With the exception of the small typo in your above post... this is probably my favorite post of the day! Advise/advice is only second to the "aisle/isle" confusion on my list of pet peeves on TK.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]
My pet peeve is "ect." for "etc."

pearlaqua · October 2012

To the original poster, I'm sorry you felt attacked. I wouldn't have used the rude language (which is more rude tha your question) so I hope you will keep looking on the Boards for advice and ideas. There is a whole Budget Weddings sections with creative ways to have weddings on the cheap.

All that being said, money being tight is not a reasn to charge people. In addition to cake and punch receptions, Brunches are a good way to keep costs down and still have a "meal".
Good luck planning!

mf898 · October 2012

Thanks Everyone! We've decided to plan a very small ceremony (yes, we cut our list to 50 people) with our immediate family and closest friends, take them to lunch, cut a cake at the restaurant then leave on our honeymoon. I appreciate all the advice (except that of cmgilpin who seems to be a bitter person with nothing else better to do with her time than to scrutinize every word posted and who therefore should not be on these "message boards" judging people & giving her rude opinion). Charging people for their plates was a suggestion made to us; we weren't comfortable with the idea but didn't know if it was a common thing to do. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. We're excited to spend the rest of our lives together. God Bless You

[Deleted User] · February 2013

I completely disagree with everyone else. There are a number of reasons why you may not be able to host a large reception. That doesn't mean that people shouldn't be invited to celebrate with you during your ceremony! Your wedding is about your union with your husband, not a social event for immature children. If some of your guests are upset that they were only invited to the ceremony, let them know that you want to share this day with them but due to whatever reason, you could not invite everyone to the reception. If they want to be offended, who cares? They should grow up and be happy for you!

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