Should I boot my bm?

maynard2012 · February 2012

This is a long story but stick with me. Two years ago I was suppose to marry my hssh. My moh bought her own dress but my bm couldn't afford it at the time so I picked it up costing 145. Needles to say that didn't work out. Last April I was engaged again and was planning a wedding for this June and of course the bm dress would still be the same. We decided to move the date of the wedding for next June and had been unable to get a hold of my bm. She herself got engaged in nov and by accident found out that she was getting married this June and planed on being on her honeymoon during my original wedding date. I'm still trying to get a hold of her. So the question is should I tell her that she is no longer a bm because she is unreliable and should I ask her to pay for the cost of the dress?

B&K10+13+12 · February 2012

Did you ask her to be a BM again? Or did you just assume that she would still want to do it?

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

You're on your third wedding date at this point, it's entirely possible she doesn't realize she's still a bridesmaid. If you still want her to be a BM, give her a call and ask her. If you don't, then just leave it alone.

maynard2012 · February 2012

When I got engaged in April I did ask her if she wanted to be a bm and she said yes. Iv call her at least four times a week and she doesn't return my calls I messages her earlier today about still wanting to be a bm and still no answer back. And she set her date for her wedding before she knew I changed it.

B&K10+13+12 · February 2012

You call this girl at least four times a week? I wouldn't pick up the phone either, that's getting into 'zilla territory. If she agreed to be in your wedding, then I would just assume that she is still in unless you hear otherwise. If she already has the dress, then there really isn't a whole lot more that she has to do other than show up. It's possible that she may just be busy planning her own wedding.

zitiqueen · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:bcbaea7a-f68d-4937-a7a7-ccbafd18a4c3">Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a long story but stick with me. Two years ago I was suppose to marry my hssh. My moh bought her own dress but my bm couldn't afford it at the time so I picked it up costing 145. Needles to say that didn't work out. Last April I was engaged again and was planning a wedding for this June and of course the bm dress would still be the same. We decided to move the date of the wedding for next June and had been unable to get a hold of my bm. She herself got engaged in nov and by accident found out that she was getting married this June and planed on being on her honeymoon during my original wedding date. I'm still trying to get a hold of her. So the question is should I tell her that she is no longer a bm because she is unreliable and should I ask her to pay for the cost of the dress?
Posted by maynard2012[/QUOTE]

How is she unreliable?

Viczaesar · February 2012

How on earth is she the one that's unreliable? You're the one changing your FI and wedding date repeatedly.

maynard2012 · February 2012

its only recently that iv tried calling her at least four times a week, the last time we talked was in nov when we made a plan to get together but she stood me up, because apparently she got called into work and never bothered to call or text to let me know until two days ago. And iv only changed my date once because i wanted to save up more money to be able to help pay the way to florida for our wedding party.

maynard2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:ddb91507-af0c-4c2c-9a4d-e4c343936384">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I boot my bm? : I don't see what this has to do with anything.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
the point of that was since she hasnt returned my calls to know that i changed the date she never intended to show up for the my wedding that was supposed to be this june because she was going to be on her honey moon, she knew that she was supposed to be my bm and waited to tell me in a fb message that she would be away.

Meghannsix · February 2012

By the time June 2013 rolls around, your plans may have changed again. Settle down and wait it out a bit. My wedding is also in June 2013, and the only thing I'm worried about is saving a bit of money and losing a few pounds each month.

maynard2012 · February 2012

june 2013 is the set time, we are putting the down payment for the honeymoon this year, and i have family that are not really in good health to be moving it back another year and my daughter goes to school. so its set. And Im a compulsive pre planner i need to have everything set months in advance just incase something does change. Especialy since we live in ny and the wedding will be in florida

Viczaesar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:bfb6f481-17d5-4fd8-aa60-f297777ed3c2">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]june 2013 is the set time, we are putting the down payment for the honeymoon this year, and i have family that are not really in good health to be moving it back another year and my daughter goes to school. so its set. <strong>And Im a compulsive pre planner i need to have everything set months in advance just incase something does change. Especialy since we live in ny and the wedding will be in florida</strong>
Posted by maynard2012[/QUOTE]
This only works with things YOU can control - venue, menu, guest list, etc. That doesn't mean you can micromanage your bridesmaids.

So what exactly is your complaint? I seriously can't follow your line of thought.

kaitlyn&henry · February 2012

you should NEVER boot a BM unless you are ok with ending the friendship. Everything else aside, good reason or bad...you asked her youre stuck with her. Besides, it seems like the issues you are haivng with her though are not wedding realted since your wedding is sooo far...its more of a friend issue. The next time you talk to her tell her you miss her. If she is planning a wedding she might be busy...the standing you up isnt cool, but maybe she has something going on in her life maxing out her time.

steffenfam · February 2012

Maybe she's just not that into you. Seriously, if someone tried calling me 4x a week I would get really annoyed.

strlzfan11 · February 2012

If your wedding is not until 2013, you do not need to be worrying about this until Thanksgiving of this year at the absolute earliest.

jemmini6 · February 2012

You've changed your date 3x already. No offense, but this BM probably isn't taking your date very seriously at this point because really, it's a boy who cried wolf scenario here.

Besides, she set her date for June and planned her HM. THEN you changed your date to the date she'd already scheduled her HM for. And now you are calling her 4x a week wanting to know if she'll be in your wedding that may or may not be in June when she's on her HM?

I'm just not understanding your logic as to why you think it's justified to kick her out (which it almost never is, so regardless, the answer is still no).

maynard2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:b7d161bf-488f-4655-9213-fc23c85b6bd7">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]You've changed your date 3x already. No offense, but this BM probably isn't taking your date very seriously at this point because really, it's a boy who cried wolf scenario here. Besides, she set her date for June and planned her HM. THEN you changed your date to the date she'd already scheduled her HM for. And now you are calling her 4x a week wanting to know if she'll be in your wedding that may or may not be in June when she's on her HM? I'm just not understanding your logic as to why you think it's justified to kick her out (which it almost never is, so regardless, the answer is still no).
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

You must not understand, iv only changed my date once. I was engaged in nov 2009 and was supposed to be married in sept of 2010. By no fault of my own that did not work. I was engaged in April of 2011 and then set the date for June 2012. My bm was engaged in nov of 2011 and set her date then, it wasn't until dec that we decided to move the date but was unable to inform my bm because she never returned my phone calls.

maynard2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:a1f1fcf3-402f-4463-904c-46011de3594f">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]you should NEVER boot a BM unless you are ok with ending the friendship. Everything else aside, good reason or bad...you asked her youre stuck with her. Besides, it seems like the issues you are haivng with her though are not wedding realted since your wedding is sooo far...its more of a friend issue. The next time you talk to her tell her you miss her. If she is planning a wedding she might be busy...the standing you up isnt cool, but maybe she has something going on in her life maxing out her time.
Posted by kaitlyn&henry[/QUOTE]

The last thing I would ever want to do is end our friendship but lately it's been more one sided, and she does work and go to school wich is why at first it didn't bother me if she didn't get right back to me, but it shouldn't take three months to respond back to a friend

graysquirrel · February 2012

I understand that you want to know if she will be in your wedding or not, but I think that it is too early to worry about your BMs. There is nothing that she really needs to do right now. If you called and left messages, the only thing you can do is wait. Give her some time and see if she gets back to you. See if you can spend some friend time vs. wedding time and see where you guys are at. You have soooo much time.

maynard2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:69c16c57-74e5-4dcc-be66-ebf57a1df8e2">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I boot my bm? : None of these are good reasons to have a wedding. I hope you have better ones.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Those are the readings why I moved the date. I'm getting married because we love each other and want that love recognized in front of or family friends god and the law amongst other reasons

jemmini6 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:4d347846-3096-4767-ae9a-0c7a76d5e476">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I boot my bm? : You must not understand, iv only changed my date once. I was engaged in nov 2009 and was supposed to be married in sept of 2010. By no fault of my own that did not work. I was engaged in April of 2011 and then set the date for June 2012. My bm was engaged in nov of 2011 and set her date then, it wasn't until dec that we decided to move the date but was unable to inform my bm because she never returned my phone calls.
Posted by maynard2012[/QUOTE]

You are right, I don't think I understood. Just to clarify, is the Nov '09 engagement and the April '11 engagment to the same person? Also, is this the correct timeline then?

Nov '09: engagement #1 - set date for Sept '10
April '11: engagment #2 - set date for June '12 (for arguments sake, lets say it was 6/2)
Nov' 11: BM gets engaged - sets date for June '12 (again lets pretend it's 6/9, and she planned her HM from 6/10 - 6/17)
Dec '11: change from on June date to another June date (pretend it's 6/16), which conflicted with the June date that BM set a month earlier.

By my count, that's 3 different dates (changed twice), if I'm understanding your timeline correctly. Not only that, but it seems to me like your BM set her date as to not interfere with the date you set when you got engaged in April, but then you changed it to something that interfered with her HM and yet you are wondering if she can still be a BM?

Basically, if she can't attend your wedding because she'll be on her HM, then it's pretty obvious that she won't be able to be a BM. But it'd be unnecessary to actually kick her out because she can't attend. That makes it seem like it's her fault, when it's not.

Again...I might be completely misunderstanding this, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm still just not following your logic here...

maynard2012 · February 2012

1st engagement- nov 09 Wedding set for sept 2nd engagement ( different person)- April 2011 Weddind date 1- June 9 2012 Bm engaged- nov 2011 Wedding date June 2 2012 Changed wedding date- dec for June 14 2013 Informed of bm wedding date- feb. She set her date before she knew I pushed mine back a year. Hope this clears up date issues. One of my concerns is if she stays a bm will she still be able to fit her dress if she gets pregnant, and if so she didn't have money for the first dress and I'm not paying for another one

melntaitt · February 2012

One of my concerns is if she stays a bm will she still be able to fit her dress if she gets pregnant, and if so she didn't have money for the first dress and I'm not paying for another one

Please stop! What is your issue???

I can sense alot of people are trying to use tact here but you're worried about a bunch of hypotheticals that you have no control over! I implore you to leave this poor girl alone; at this point you're lucky you have any type of WP (or friends) so please quit while you're ahead.

I can point out too many things wrong with this post but I don't think I have the time! Please just stop!

Kelli and Chris · February 2012

Wait,,... you're worried about if she gets pregnant?! Wow. Seriously. Please do tell the woman why she CAN'T get pregnant. WOW.

Viczaesar · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:79552c2e-2fe6-453b-ba12-1bde372bb80d">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]1st engagement- nov 09 Wedding set for sept 2nd engagement ( different person)- April 2011 Weddind date 1- June 9 2012 Bm engaged- nov 2011 Wedding date June 2 2012 Changed wedding date- dec for June 14 2013 Informed of bm wedding date- feb. She set her date before she knew I pushed mine back a year. Hope this clears up date issues. One of my concerns is if she stays a bm will she still be able to fit her dress if she gets pregnant, and if so she didn't have money for the first dress and I'm not paying for another one
Posted by maynard2012[/QUOTE]
Nope, doesn't make it any clearer, though writing in complete sentences and words would probably help. What do you mean by "Changed wedding date- dec for June 14 2013"? What was set for December, I don't see that in your list.

I have no idea what your problem with the bridesmaid is at this point. Also, get your mind out of her uterus. Whether or not she becomes pregnant is absolutely no concern of yours.

Ali092011 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_should-boot-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:eee98a1d-1fd8-4512-8352-31e3b1faddeePost:bfb6f481-17d5-4fd8-aa60-f297777ed3c2">Re: Should I boot my bm?</a>:
[QUOTE]june 2013 is the set time, we are putting the down payment for the honeymoon this year, and i have family that are not really in good health to be moving it back another year and my daughter goes to school. so its set. And Im a compulsive pre planner <strong>i need to have everything set months in advance just incase something does change.</strong> Especialy since we live in ny and the wedding will be in florida
Posted by maynard2012[/QUOTE]

This sentence makes absolutely no sense.

Listen to yourself. You're worried about her not fitting into a dress that you bought years ago for a wedding that never happened. You're calling her obsessively to find out if she even wants to be in your wedding and wear this dress you bought years ago. And you're worried that $145 you spent years ago will go to waste.

Let it go and let her come to you. She will call you when she's available if she wants to.

Should I boot my bm?

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