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Havdalah Ceremony

freckled1013freckled1013
First Comment
in Jewish Weddings
We are getting married in December 2012 and had chosen Sunday December 30th as the date because of my school schedule. His family is more than 5x the size of mine and are mostly young people, so he would like to do a Saturday night service as opposed to a Sunday afternoon/evening  to accommodate those wanting to leave for the holiday or those having to work on Monday. He also believes that a later time ensures that we won't get stuck paying overtime for the band because "you can't kick people out of a wedding if they don't take the hint" - which I think is a load of crap.

 The conflict is there are a large handful of his friends and family that are shomer shabbos and we can't start the ceremony before 7:30, which means dinner isn't until 9-9:30 since we'd have to do pictures after the ceremony. The majority of my guests will either not come or not stay for such a late event, but since his family compromised on the date due to my school schedule, he feel I should compromise on the time. 

Any ideas on how to handle this?? I know I can make it work and it's not that unreasonable, but I will be so disappointed if nobody from my family comes because of the time. Is it rude to shut down the party if your guests are still going?
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Re: Havdalah Ceremony

  • reebsreebsreebsreebs member
    Fifth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Talk to your officiant, many won't do Sat night weddings because you will be getting ready for the wedding on shabbes.

    If they agree, then you can make it work.

    As for shutting down the party--- just have the DJ or band leader do a last call and then 30 min later a last dance. People will get the hint. They can always after party at a hotel bar.
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If you think that many of your guests won't come to such a late wedding, I would hold your ground on this one (in addition to the potential officiant issues, which reebs mentioned).  People do have Jewish weddings on Saturday night.  I don't know how early it gets dark where you are, but up here Shabbat ends fairly early that time of year, since it's right after the shortest day of the year. 

    We had a Sunday afternoon wedding.  Our ceremony began at 1, and then we had our reception for 5 hours (including cocktail hour).  Our band announced the last slow dance and then the last dance and wrapped up, most people left, and we chatted with other people for a while.  I don't think anyone felt kicked out.  If it's really a concern, look into an afterparty, although personally I would not want to have to be at another hosted event; by the time our reception was over, I was ready for some quiet time with my new H. 
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  • JoBell123JoBell123
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Are you sure it's that late for Dec 30th?  It's well after daylight savings and the days are much shorter (well, daylight hours are shorter, the day is still 24 hours).

    For our Oct 29th, 2011 wedding which is before daylight savings sundown is at 5:56 or so and shabbat ends at 6:42ish.  We're doing our ketubah signing at 6:45 and the ceremony will start around 7/7:10.  We have some shomer shabbos people attending, but they are all staying within a 10 min drive from the venue, so they will arrive right around when we start the ceremony.  We'll also hold seats open near the door so they can sneak in if they do arrive late.

    I'd double check the timing of shabbat before setting your start time.
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Shabbas ends in Miami on December 29, 2012 at 6:17p. Chabad.org has a nice tool for Jewish day beginnings and endings. There's also a tool for determining whether a date is OK for a wedding.
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  • GreenEyes005GreenEyes005 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You are absolutely correct on your start time, around 7:30, despite Shabbos ending at 6:17 pm...you do have to respect the part of the family that is shomer shabbos because they need to shower and get ready for your wedding too. A wedding is a mitzvah, as is keeping shabbos. You have some time, so both of you should take a straw poll within your families so when you finalize the date, you have actual numbers to support your opinions and find out what is the best time to hold your wedding. 
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  • freckled1013freckled1013
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My fiancee is very insistent on not having a day wedding, and I'm ok with the saturday night time - shabbos is over at 5:55ish and it absolutely has to give time for those people to get ready and get to the the shul, because some of them are in the wedding party(plus they have to start up the kitchen). The number of people affected is a fraction of guest list, but it is a large fraction of my family - we'll make it work. I'm more worried about people not coming because of the weather (Michigan in December) than I am about the time. I think we are going to try to clarify on the reply card whether or not they will be attending the dinner as to avoid a ton of wasted food. Thanks for all the input! 
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  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Is there a specific reason you think people won't come or won't stay at that hour? Because that sounds like a pretty typical timeframe to me for a Jewish wedding. My first wedding was almost entirely secular (and interfaith since I'm a non-practicing Jew and he was a non-practicing Catholic). But still our ceremony started at 7 on a Saturday night, since that's the timeframe I'm accustomed to even for reform, interfaith and non-religious Jewish weddings.

    Our timeframe was:
    7-7:30 ceremony
    7:30-8:30 cocktail hour (we attended)
    8:30 intro, hora, toasts
    about 9 dinner

    Or go for Sunday afternoon -- you can still have all the drinking and dancing you want, and it will end early enough that people could go to work on Monday. Though I would imagine most people will have that Monday off anyway or a very light workday.


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