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Bridal party expectations

TheLordsCanaryTheLordsCanary member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Moms and Maids
Hi everyone! I have not picked bridesmaids yet, and I am having an issue with a friend who seems to expect that she will be one of them.

I have six sisters, five of whom will be bridesmaids (the sixth will be my flowergirl); I would never even consider leaving any of them out, so I will already have a rather large party by default. I also have another childhood friend I would possibly like to include, but as I said I have not chosen anyone officially yet because I want to wait to make sure relationships stay how they are.

My actual question is about another friend whom I have only known for two years. We are fairly close, but she is kind of a diva and can sometimes be a little too much for me. I think she feels closer to me than I do to her, and she seems to expect that I will choose her for the bridal party. I am not really sure that I want to do that, especially with having so many sisters already. However, I don't want to say that I will only include my sisters in case I want to include my other close friend.

I know it is really early, and I have no intention of doing anything at all right away, but I was just wondering if anyone else had any advice or experience. I don't want to damage my friendship with her, but I know that if I do end up leaving her out of the bridal party she will probably be very angry with me.
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Re: Bridal party expectations

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    M&R7111M&R7111
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think you would owe her an explanation about why she isn't in your wedding party.  You don't have any obligation to ask her and it's none of her business who you ask.

    If she's angry with your for not asking her and decides to end the friendship over it, that's her problem.
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    sparent2010sparent2010 member
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    edited December 2011
    Agree with PPs.

    Only I have to add is if she asks (which she shouldn't) just be firm and say you want your sisters and x friend who I grew up with.

    My cousin keeps asking even though I have told her more than once- I am having my sisters and best friend. But that is whole other can of worms
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    andreamarie77andreamarie77
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    edited December 2011
    I have a close group of 9 girlfriends and none of them "expected" to be in my wedding. I actually only asked 2 of them - the other 2 girls in the wedding are my fiance's sister and sister-in-law.  It's rude to assume that you're going to be in the wedding just because you're friends. It's your wedding and you have a right to choose whoever you want to be in it. Especially having so many sisters.
    If she gets upset and wants to be mad about it, that's her problem. That means you don't need to be friends with her anyway. She should feel honored to be invited to the wedding. Not everyone gets invited either.
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    PGrantPGrant member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a friend who did just that, ended the friendship over not being asked to be in the wedding party.  My FI really only requested 1 thing about the wedding itself and that being that we not have a big wedding party (1 each) despite the fact he has a big family.  Even though I had thought 3 each (that way he could have included all his brothers) I agreed and was stuck between 2 friends.  I picked the other girl and asked my now former friend to fill a different role in the wedding.  She was highly offended told me it was a "slap in the face" and that she was my best friend (a title she gave herself).  Guess she wasn't that great a friend in the first place, was she?
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridal-party-expectations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:19169a50-71c6-422b-bede-02def0161f9ePost:6d213e1f-f325-4d28-81ac-7418b8b06368">Re: Bridal party expectations</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a friend who did just that, ended the friendship over not being asked to be in the wedding party.  My FI really only requested 1 thing about the wedding itself and that being that we not have a big wedding party (1 each) despite the fact he has a big family.  Even though I had thought 3 each (that way he could have included all his brothers) I agreed and was stuck between 2 friends.  I picked the other girl and asked my now former friend to fill a different role in the wedding.  She was highly offended told me it was a "slap in the face" and that she was my best friend (a title she gave herself).  Guess she wasn't that great a friend in the first place, was she?
    Posted by PGrant[/QUOTE]

    <div>Though your friend didn't react the best, depending on what role you gave her, example Guest Book person, Personal Attendant, etc are bad roles to give any friend or family and usually are a "slap in the face" to them. If you asked her to do a Reading, which is a nice role to have in a wedding, then she is being completely unreasonable.</div>
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    graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are a very wise woman to wait to ask people. I applaud you for that because it can be a hard thing to do. 

    I agree with pps-- you do not owe anyone an explanation of who you ask and why, or who you didn't and why. If you are unsure about her, the best thing that you can do is to feel it out and limit your wedding talk with her. If she starts hinting around, change the subject. Most grownups should be able to take the hint. 
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    slave4danceslave4dance
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    edited December 2011
    I have a friend who before I decided to call her out on it, consantly asked me who was in the WP and went as far as saying "i guess you have already asked everyone and im not in it since i havent heard anything". I told her it was rude of her to ask me who is in it and when she gets engaged i would be happy for her whoever she picked. Since then she hasn't asked me again. Sometimes you just have to say it straight out and if they are a good friend they will get over it and see it from your point-of-view.
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    TheLordsCanaryTheLordsCanary member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for all your advice! I will definitely keep it in mind as time goes by and we'll see what happens.

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    PGrantPGrant member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your input.  Guess that I just always thought that if you are a true friend, no job is too large or small to be asked to do.  God knows, I've stood by her and done things for her that really went above and beyond the call of duty (like 4, count them 4 broken engagements).
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    PGrantPGrant member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Really???  The only reasons I have asked anyone to do anything for the wedding are those things which the church has forced me to request (witnesses and readers).  It is not like I asked her to wait on me hand and foot (or wait on me at all).  I don't get into this "I'm the bride, you owe me routine."  My bridesmaid (yes, my church requires witnesses) chose her own dress and I've asked her to do nothing other than show up for the rehersal and the wedding. 
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    ArethenaArethena member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No one has the right to make you feel bad about having to choose between two friends when you're only allowd one bridesmaid. There is NO easy way to handle that situation and it's anyone's natural instinct to try to appease the person leftout by still involving them. Honestly, you were in a hard position and you probably handled it the best you could.

    Disregard others giving you a hard time for it. I can't IMAGINE what I would do if my FI limited me to one person. I'm limited to five and even that I struggle with. Your friend may be hurt, and it's understandable why; but to end the friendship over it is petty.
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