MOH keeps cancelling last minute!

katherinewilloughby · June 2010

I picked my MOH thinking I was making the right decision. We grew up together and have always been really close.

At the beginning of my engagement I asked her to come to a wedding show with me to give her some ideas and to help her get into the planning mood. She had told me she would love to. About 30 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up she said she was to hung over to go with me. It didn't really bother me then.

Another time the whole bridal party went wedding dress shopping with me. She wasn't there mentally at all. She kept saying she was bored and needed a smoke....I felt like I was boring her by taking her to the bridal store.

Another time I asked her to come over for some catching up and help with some planning. She called 15 minutes she was supposed to come over and didn't sound like she still wanted to come. She showed up anyways and stayed for 20 minutes and said she had stuff to do and had to leave.

Yesterday, the whole wedding party got together out at my in-laws to discuss planning and what to expect ect. She decided not to show.

I called her to ask if she was still coming, she said no because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes!!!! :S

Everyone I have spoken too seems to think shes not the right person to be the maid of honor....I'm starting to think so too. Ive tried talking to her a few times and told her how i felt. I told her if she was finding the MOH roll to much, she could always be the bridesmaid and had less responsibility.

All my other bridesmaid had put in ALOT of work to help me, and she has done nothing!

CTGirl30 · June 2010

Wedding party members do not need to plan your wedding. You and your FI plan your wedding - and your wedding planner, if you hire one. If you cannot handle your own wedding planning, either scale back to what you can handle or hire a planner...you know, the people who get paid to do this.

MOH is that - an honor. Not a job title. Please don't expect your bridal party to do anything for you besides get their dresses and be there on the wedding day. Many BMs and MOHs do more - plan parties / showers but it's because they want to / can swing it and not because it is something they have to do. Those are gifts to the bride. And anyone - no just MOH or BMs can host those types of things.

Relax your expectations on your friends and chill out - some people are not into weddings and honestly, bridal shows and watchign someone try on dresses can be very boring. Some girls love that stuff. Sounds like your friend isn't one of those girls. And that's FINE. As long as she supports your marriage that's what matters. It doesn't mean she's a bad friend if she's not squeeing for joy over going to bridal shows, stuffing envelopes, addressing invites, assembling favors....

ETA - also, don't threaten to demote her from MOH to BM. See above - MOH is not a job title or a role (rolls are peices of bread). Demoting someone is silly on your part, makes you look 'zilla-ish and could ruin your friendship. Is it really worth it? Probably not if she was a good enough friend for you to think of her for MOH. Unless you picked her b/c you hoped she'd be doing lots to help...in which case you picked for the wrong reasons.

CTGirl30 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-keeps-cancelling-last-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8036546-5ba8-4603-ade0-e12d635c13aaPost:8350692d-5670-439a-b96a-f361d5a350ff">MOH keeps cancelling last minute!</a>:
[QUOTE]I picked my MOH thinking I was making the right decision. We grew up together and have always been really close. At the beginning of my engagement I asked her to come to a wedding show with me to give her some ideas and to help her get into the planning mood. She had told me she would love to. About 30 minutes before I was supposed to pick her up she said she was to hung over to go with me. It didn't really bother me then. Another time the whole bridal party went wedding dress shopping with me. She wasn't there mentally at all. She kept saying she was bored and needed a smoke....I felt like I was boring her by taking her to the bridal store. Another time I asked her to come over for some catching up and help with some planning. She called 15 minutes she was supposed to come over and didn't sound like she still wanted to come. She showed up anyways and stayed for 20 minutes and said she had stuff to do and had to leave. Yesterday, the whole wedding party got together out at my in-laws to discuss planning and what to expect ect. She decided not to show. I called her to ask if she was still coming, she said no because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes!!!! :S Everyone I have spoken too seems to think shes not the right person to be the maid of honor....I'm starting to think so too. Ive tried talking to her a few times and told her how i felt. I told her if she was finding the MOH roll to much, she could always be the bridesmaid and had less responsibility. All my other bridesmaid had put in ALOT of work to help me, and she has done nothing!
Posted by katherinewilloughby[/QUOTE]

JIC.

CurlyGirlyGirl · June 2010

It sounds like it must be a lot of work to be one of your bridesmaids. Yikes, perhaps you need to read up a little bit more on the Wedding Party board posts.

And I think that it's really unfortunate that you're talking to other people about her not being the "right" MOH. You've been friends for a long time. It sounds like she is the right MOH for you. If you want a slave, hire a wedding coordinator to do all that work for you.

katherinewilloughby · June 2010

Shes the one that keeps insisting she wants something to do, and when I give her something to do she doesn't show!

Shes the one who said she wants to be more involved and help planning!!

trix1223 · June 2010

I was going to give you some slack for being new. But then I saw that you have almost 100 posts. So I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you've caught an unexpected case of the wedding crazies, but that it can, in fact, be cured.

Here's the cure:

Put down the wedding magazines. Turn off the wedding tv shows. Stop reading lists of WP "duties" on wedding websites. Take the wedding planning books back to Barnes and Noble. Because they're just trying to get you to buy "stuff" that their advertisers sell.

Here's the reality: the "duties" of a member of the WP start and end with the ceremony. That's it. Lock, stock, and barrel. They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for pictures. Done and done.

Here's what they DON'T have to do: help plan and/or execute your wedding. That includes: They DON'T have to go on venue visits, go to tastings, or help pick our wedding cake. They DON'T have to go bridal gown shopping . They DON'T have to make, order, address, or stuff invitations or STDs.

They DON'T have to make favors, CPs, or OOT bags. They DON'T have to help decorate the venue, deliver OOT bags, chauffeur guests around. They DON'T have to plan, throw, or even attend pre-wedding parties, including e-parties, showers, and/or b-parties.

The DON'T have to research vendors or help plan honeymoons. They don't have to provide "emotional support" (which should be the responsibility of your FI).

Your friend has done NOTHING to warrant being kicked out as MOH and/or being "demoted" to a BM, and to do so would make you a gold-medalist in the 'zilla Olympics.

Lower your expectations of what a WP is all about. You'll be happier. So will your friends.

My last piece of advice: Print out the following words: "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL." Because it's true. it will also keep you on a smooth path.

GL

LD1970 · June 2010

Ditto the other chicks.

mbcdefg · June 2010

She probably feels like she's "not the right choice" for MOH because you clearly want your MOH to do a lot of things for you. You are wrong to think that your MOH has a bunch of responsibilities, and that she is obligated to work for you.

I agree that it's not right of her to promise to come along and then bail out. But on the other hand, would you be angry if she told you from the beginning that she had no interest in doing wedding-related things? That's not her job as MOH. She's MOH because she's your dearest friend, not because she'll do the most stuff for you. Someone does not need to help out with your wedding plans in order to support your marriage. I would be glad to help out an engaged friend, but I would be INREDIBLY angry if she told me that I was obligated to do things for her.

Stop asking her to do wedding-realted things, because they are clearly not her cup of tea. Be grateful that you have other bridesmaids that enjoy this sort of thing, and expect nothing more from your MOH than to get her dress and show up to the wedding. And lose the idea that your MOH and bridesmaids are responsible for working for you and having meetings about your wedding (really, WTF is that all about? I hope you weren't the one to call the meeting at your in-laws', because that is utterly ridiculous).

mbcdefg · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-keeps-cancelling-last-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8036546-5ba8-4603-ade0-e12d635c13aaPost:355638a6-5af2-43af-ba87-88a063b9269a">Re: MOH keeps cancelling last minute!</a>:
[QUOTE]Shes the one that keeps insisting she wants something to do, and when I give her something to do she doesn't show! Shes the one who said she wants to be more involved and help planning!!
Posted by katherinewilloughby[/QUOTE]

She clearly is not interested in helping out, then. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or support your marriage ... it means that she's flakey. I'm guessing she was ALWAYS flakey, right? So why would your engagement suddenly make her turn a new leaf?

If she asks to help out again, either give her something that you won't mind her dropping the ball on, or say, "Thanks, but I've got it all covered!" and ask her to do something non-wedding-related with you instead (see a movie, grab some dinner or drinks, go to yoga together, whatever).

bablingbrooke · June 2010

If you know she's not going to show, then stop expecting her to show. Simple as that. We managed to plan our wedding without help from any of the WP from the other side of the country and a small budget, you'll be fine.

katherinewilloughby · June 2010

Thanks girls!

suz62984 · June 2010

Ditto on CT!!!! I have lost all my energy. It's easier this way!

sketne25 · June 2010

"My last piece of advice: Print out the following words: "NO ONE WILL BE AS EXCITED ABOUT MY WEDDING AS I WILL." Because it's true. it will also keep you on a smooth path." ~trix1223

I LOVE this. This is the epitome of truth! I think soon-to-be parents should use this as well, just replace "wedding" with "child," hahaha.

loop0406 · June 2010

So she didn't show because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes ?

I would personally email, text, call or whatever way you communicate with her and ask if she's not going to be MOH, that it's okay...but next time you need her for something important or wedding-related and she is a no-show, that you will no longer have her be MOH....I say direct and straight-to-the-point is better with this chick who cares more about smoking than her friendship with you !

JoyTate1 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-keeps-cancelling-last-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8036546-5ba8-4603-ade0-e12d635c13aaPost:0bbeafa4-2e81-46cb-b1c8-e49c6571447e">Re: MOH keeps cancelling last minute!</a>:
[QUOTE]So she didn't show because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes ? I would personally email, text, call or whatever way you communicate with her and ask if she's not going to be MOH, that it's okay...but next time you need her for something important or wedding-related and she is a no-show, that you will no longer have her be MOH....I say direct and straight-to-the-point is better with this chick who cares more about smoking than her friendship with you !
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]
Please don't take this advice. You want to know how many wedding related things I have done with my BMs? 0. I get married July 31st. I have had a few make comments about wanting to help and we have made plans and they have not shown. So, I put on my big girl panties and did it myself.

Can you have a talk with your friend about a friend issue of flaking on you? Yes. Can you kick out a MOH for not being as excited about your wedding as you are? No.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-keeps-cancelling-last-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8036546-5ba8-4603-ade0-e12d635c13aaPost:0bbeafa4-2e81-46cb-b1c8-e49c6571447e">Re: MOH keeps cancelling last minute!</a>:
[QUOTE]So she didn't show because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes ? I would personally email, text, call or whatever way you communicate with her and ask if she's not going to be MOH, that it's okay...but next time you need her for something important or wedding-related and she is a no-show, that you will no longer have her be MOH....I say direct and straight-to-the-point is better with this chick who cares more about smoking than her friendship with you !
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

Same general thing I said to your similar comment on the CC board: this is just bad advice. But loop, you've gone on record before saying that you're fine with kicking your friends to the curb, haven't you?

CurlyGirlyGirl · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-keeps-cancelling-last-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8036546-5ba8-4603-ade0-e12d635c13aaPost:0bbeafa4-2e81-46cb-b1c8-e49c6571447e">Re: MOH keeps cancelling last minute!</a>:
[QUOTE]So she didn't show because she had to go to the reserve and get some cigarettes ? I would personally email, text, call or whatever way you communicate with her and ask if she's not going to be MOH, that it's okay...<strong>but next time you need her for something important or wedding-related and she is a no-show, that you will no longer have her be MOH</strong>....I say direct and straight-to-the-point is better with this chick who cares more about smoking than her friendship with you !
Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]<div>Should she get a slap on the wrist as well? Give me a break.

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