Maid of Frustration

kozlej · January 2013

Please help!

I'm getting married in 18 days. As is most weddings, my FMIL is paying for the rehearsal dinner, and she wanted it at an upscale restaurant, not really kid friendly, and she didn't want to pay for kids either. When we first started planning this, I had asked my matron of honor if she would be okay with her kids not coming to the rehearsal dinner, which she said it was. Now, she is saying she won't be able to make the dinner because she has to breastfeed her 10 month old.

This isn't the first time that she's used her kids as an excuse to show up late/leave early/avoid attending a function of the wedding. The first few times, I let it slide. I understand that kids are difficult, and they don't alway cooperate with the best-laid plans.

However, this close to the wedding, and she's not even using a kid emergency to say that she can't come to one of the bigger parts of the wedding. I'm really concerned that she's going to say that, since she's breastfeeding, she won't be able to make the bridesmaid breakfast and hair styling that I planned the day of the wedding (since she didn't plan a luncheon, bachellorette party or even get together for the bridesmaids) because she can't be away from her kids from 8:30-5:30, when the reception dinner begins. Her family (including her parents) are all invited to ceremony and reception, but I still feel like she's not going to cooperate and show up on time, happy for me that day.

I plan on sitting down here to talk to her about my concerns over dinner on Saturday night, but I'm so torn about what to do. I've been friends with this woman for 20 years. I still want her in my wedding, and I've worked incredibly hard to make being a bridesmaid easy for all my girls (paid for 75% of their dress costs, letting them pick their own shoes, brining in a hair stylist which I'm paying for, etc), but I feel like she doesn't care, and doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore.

So: my questions, after all the background info.

If she still wants to be the matron of honor, how do I tell her to shape up? Is it rude of me to ask her to pump for the 4 hours she'd be needed for the rehearsal and reharsal dinner, and the day of?

If she doesn't want to be part of the wedding anymore, do I try to find someone her size or close to wear the $200 bridesmaid dress (which she hasn't paid me back the $50 for), or do I just swallow the cost and suck it up, deal with the uneven bridal party, and move on with life?

Ugh. I have everything else for the wedding essentially done, and had been looking forward to a relatively stress-free few weeks leading up to the wedding.

sdose13 · January 2013

Calm down. She can't go to the rehearsal dinner. So what? Do not sit down and undermine her by having a talk with her by telling her how nice you are that she got to pick out her own shoes. If a bride told me to "shape up" because I couldn't get my hair done with the rest of the group, I would rip up the bridesmaid dress in front of her and tell her to shove it.
Also, it is not her job to plan a bachelorette or luncheon in your honor. She is to show up at the venue on time for your wedding and smile for pictures. IMO, the rehearsal dinner is not one of the "bigger parts of the wedding."

Viczaesar · January 2013

For goodness sake, seriously? She's breastfeeding a 10 month old. Her schedule revolves around his right now. No amount of foot stomping on your part will change the fact that she has a small baby that needs to feed regularly from her breasts. No, you can't tell her to pump. No, you can't throw a fit if (and it's not so much an if as a fact) she can't be away from her 10 month old breastfeeding child from 8:30-5:30 the day of the wedding. She's not doing anything wrong and you would be seriously in the wrong to make an issue of this. Let her do what she can make work, and be happy that she's going to be there for you as much as she can while balancing the care of her dependent infant.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

I'm sorry but her kids come before anything and everything.

Any pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, and that includes the rehearsal dinner. If she can't make it or doesn't want to come because she can't bring her kid then she isn't doing anything wrong. It also includes coming over for breakfast and getting her hair done the day of the wedding. All she needs to do is show up, on time to the ceremony and smile for pictures.

Do not hold the fact that you paid for 75% of her dress and let them choose the shoes they wanted and whatever else you offered or gave her over her head to make her attend.

And really, you think it would be ok to kick her out of the wedding and then replace her with some random person just so your wedding party is even 18 days before your wedding?

Come on, really think about how that sounds.

mcda04 · January 2013

Your friend isn't doing anything wrong. A rehearsal dinner is not mandatory and it wasn't her responsibility to plan a bridesmaid get-together. Those are extras and not every bride gets showers/parties.

Oh and I nursed both of my kids and was used to pumping but if my "friend" demanded i pump 4 hours before her wedding, I'd purposely "forget" and leak for the pictures. yes it's spiteful but you're not being considerate whatsoever. ugh. irritated.

kozlej · January 2013

Thanks loads for the feedback. I guess it was kind of foolish for me to want to surround myself during the happiest time of my life thus far with the people I hold dearest. but if i can't even ask these things of the matron of honor, who is supposed to be my closest friend, then how can i ask this of the other bridesmaids? Guess I'll spend the morning of my wedding day alone. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.

msuprincess04 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:faad1b8a-21ec-49ca-8fcc-ba1e7f6572b4">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks loads for the feedback. I guess it was kind of foolish for me to want to surround myself during the happiest time of my life thus far with the people I hold dearest. but if i can't even ask these things of the matron of honor, who is supposed to be my closest friend, then how can i ask this of the other bridesmaids? Guess I'll spend the morning of my wedding day alone. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.
Posted by kozlej[/QUOTE]

Please stop throwing yourself a pity party. Because no one will support you with that attitude. The fact is those that can and want to be there will be. Not everyone can, and that doesn't mean they are bad friends. It's not so much being foolish as being selfish. The fact is, you don't ask anyone to do anything beyond stand there in the dress for the ceremony (and ONLY the ceremony). You offer all the rest of it as options on how they can spend their day. Yes, you can hope that they will choose to spend their day with you and you can be bummed if they can't, but you get over it, you don't confront them on their un-bridesmaid-like behavior.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:faad1b8a-21ec-49ca-8fcc-ba1e7f6572b4">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks loads for the feedback. I guess it was kind of foolish for me to want to surround myself during the happiest time of my life thus far with the people I hold dearest. but if i can't even ask these things of the matron of honor, who is supposed to be my closest friend, then how can i ask this of the other bridesmaids? Guess I'll spend the morning of my wedding day alone. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.
Posted by kozlej[/QUOTE]

Oh my gosh. Pity party of 1 please.

You seriously do not see how selfish you are being do you? You do not come first in your MOHs life, not even on your wedding day. She has a kid that needs to be fed on a certain schedule. That is her first priority. Period.

Honestly, I think you should have a heart to heart with your MOH. She deserve to see what kind of person you really are and how flippant you are about her children and her priorities.

banana468 · January 2013

I think if you're telling her that the 10 mo isn't welcome then she gets decline. I think it's a bit cr@ppy on her part to not attend because she has to BF but she's opting to be a mom and that's a choice she made. It isn't required to attend the RD but I do think she should.

That's where my sympathy for you ends though. She doesn't have to do these other things and if you stop the pity party, you may actually find yourself excited about getting married.

jennyd412 · January 2013

while it may not be "required" I think it's socially accepted and expected that bridesmaids throw a shower/bachelorette party.I have been in 4 weddings and have been involved in planning for both. I can understand why OP is feeling upset. though it is the bridesmaids responsibility and priority to care for her child, it is hard to believe she cant attend a dinner because of breastfeeding needs. at 10 months, the nursing is not constant. I think there is room for compromise on both sides.

mcda04 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:3371cfc9-db7c-4304-82ef-0f1f618efecc">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]while it may not be "required" I think it's socially accepted and expected that bridesmaids throw a shower/bachelorette party.I have been in 4 weddings and have been involved in planning for both. I can understand why OP is feeling upset. though it is the bridesmaids responsibility and priority to care for her child,<strong> it is hard to believe she cant attend a dinner because of breastfeeding needs. at 10 months, the nursing is not constant. I think there is room for compromise on both sides.</strong>
Posted by jennyd412[/QUOTE]
There's problem #1, a party should NEVER be expected. Not all brides get one and it's not a responsibility to throw one.

Somebody should've told this to my son. How dare he feed every 4 hours at 10 months.

Maybe the MOH could find a way to attend and be there for the RD but with attitude like OP's, I wouldn't be making any effort either.

jennyd412 · January 2013

a dinner doesn't take 4 hours.

Peledreamsofrain · January 2013

Holy guacamole, so so so many wrong priorities here.

Hey OP, guess what? My MOH was my sister, and she had a 3 month old she was breastfeeding when I was married. She spent her time with her baby at the rehersal dinner (no I didn't ban an infant because I was afraid it would outshine me), she left my bachelorette party early to feed her baby and spend the night with her, and she even changed her dress (gasp!) halfway through the wedding night because it was easier to breastfeed in the other one.

Not once did I bat an eyelast, stomp my princess feet, or go into a towering rage. Her child is more important than a party day, both to me and to her. And you know what? That's what way it should be. The world needs more dedicated mothers that will put their foot down for the sake of thier kid. Bless her, and her happy family.

MyNameIsNot · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:faad1b8a-21ec-49ca-8fcc-ba1e7f6572b4">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks loads for the feedback. I guess it was kind of foolish for me to want to surround myself during the happiest time of my life thus far with the people I hold dearest. but if i can't even ask these things of the matron of honor, who is supposed to be my closest friend, then how can i ask this of the other bridesmaids? Guess I'll spend the morning of my wedding day alone. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.
Posted by kozlej[/QUOTE]

<div>Could you be a little more of a marytr? </div><div>
</div><div>You're right, if your friend doesn't think that your rehearsal dinner is more important than her child, she must not love you enough. You might as well just go eat worms. Or you could, you know, grow up. </div>

[Deleted User] · January 2013

1) 8:30 to 5:30 is not 4 hours, FYI. That is actually a really long time for a mom to be away from a 10 month old if she's breastfeeding.
2) If you really care this much, how about trying to help her? Like allowing her to bring the 10 month old to the rehearsal dinner (I don't know of any restaurant that would charge for that so FMIL doesn't have to pay a dang thing). Or allowing her to bring her baby to the hair salon you're all going to. My MOH/sister will have a 10 month old at our wedding too. She's down for rehearsals and getting ready with us, but I'm expecting my godson to be there the whole time we're doing so (and quite possibly my BIL so my sister can have some help). And, honestly, the more the merrier!
3) Even if you don't believe any of this being said, don't sit her down and yell at her unless you want to severely damage this 20 year friendship. Guess what? Her kids come first. As they should. If you start throwing around guilt over the fact that she's chosing them over you, she'll fix the problem by cutting you out of the picture.
4) FFS, stop the pity party and the woe is me. No one's saying you can't surround yourself with the people you love except you. You are making it hard for your friend to be with you and be happy for you. And, really, because MOH has to breastfeed, NO ONE will come? Come on...

MrsMuq · January 2013

In Response to Maid of Frustration:
You're being a full-fledged brat.

Asking someone to be the MOH is an honor, not them agreeing to be your wedding b!tch for a year. There is nothing that says she needs to throw you a bachelorette party or shower - guess what? Those are gifts. And attending any pre-wedding events - also not required.

And as a breastfeeding mom, if I was in your wedding and you spoke to me like you did in your post, you'd be out a MOH and a friend, because at the end of the day my kid is way more important than some self-serving bridezilla.

[Deleted User] · January 2013

Wow! On of BM was nursing her 5 month old during out wedding. I was more than happy to have her bring her daughter to our rehearsal dinner. Breastfeeding mothers usually trump the "no-children" rule.

My friend made arrangements to pump the during the time we were getting ready, but I was more than happy to have the baby present for our hair/makeup time.

I didn't give a flip when they left the reception super early because the baby was fussing with her sitter and they wanted to be with her. I never told my friend she couldn't bring her baby to any wedding function. The made other arrangements, but I was perfectly fine with her having her child with her.

You need to be a more respectful friend to your friend's situation. A baby trumps wedding any day.

AddieCake · January 2013

Ditto most of the above. And I have to say, OP, I am kind of amazed you have been a member of TK since 2007 and thought your attitude about your MOH would go over well here. Really? In all these years, you haven't lurked the boards AT ALL?

jennylee813 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:bcf3c214-85a9-4933-b402-36fc174e851a">Re:Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]So, why can't she bring the baby to the RD? A 10 month old who is nursing isn't exactly the same as a 4 yearl old running around the nice restaurant.<strong> Your MIL won't have to pay for the baby if baby doesn't eat.</strong> Regardless, it is not a big deal if she can't stay for the RD or attend the breakfast or whatever. Those things are supposed to be your way of thanking them. If it is inconvenient, it isn't really a thank you. None of this is reason enough to end your friendship with her and kicking her out will do just that. Seriously, think about what you're doing here. You are upset that your friend is putting her family before you, but YOU are putting a PARTY before HER. <strong>One of you is being unreasonable here, but it isn't her.</strong>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I don't know Stage, whatever a nursing mom eats, the baby eats too ... :-P

this whole thing is ridiculous. OP - grow up. Seriously. But if you're intent on 'sitting her down' and having this chat, be prepared to lose a friend. Then, when you grow up and see the error of your ways, maybe you'll realize that her family is her life, not your ONE DAY.

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:041456d5-92f1-40d1-9f8d-0a6a2ddb2942">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]OP is being overdramatic and ridiculous. <strong>First of all not letting a breastfeeding mom bring the child to rehearsal dinner? Ugh.</strong> Then ASSUMING she won't come to the morning thing and spend all day with you. You are going to have a talk with her about these things before they even happen? Also, who says anything about you being alone on your wedding day? Is your MOH the only other person involved in the wedding? Please. Grow up.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

I feel somewhat compelled to address the bolded. The OP isn't being wrong to not allow the child at the RD. It's OK to say this and there is NO RULE that says you need to allow breastfeeding infants at any event.

But the MOH doesn't *have* to attend the RD either. It's a bummer that she won't go but plenty of [nursing] moms know that declining events is something you need to do on occasion.

banana468 · January 2013

Stage has it. It isn't rude or against common decency to have an adult event and it is more than OK to say the nursing child is not welcome. Let's not forget that it isn't always about cost. A child can change the ambiance of an event. When DD was 10 MO, I watched DH's cousin exchange vows from the church vestibule because DD wouldn't be quiet. It is more than OK to decline events that you don't feel comfortable attending and there should be no ill will on either side.

ridedatbike · January 2013

The thing with kids is you never know until you have them. By all means ask her to pump but she may not respond how you would like. The fact of the matter is it is better for her to breastfeed than pump. Its totally possible but lack of freedom is something that comes with parenting I would really hope for you to sympathize with her. Pumping really isn't an easy way out either. im sure shell figure it out for your wedding.

daveANDkristen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:faad1b8a-21ec-49ca-8fcc-ba1e7f6572b4">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks loads for the feedback. I guess it was kind of foolish for me to want to surround myself during the happiest time of my life thus far with the people I hold dearest. but if i can't even ask these things of the matron of honor, who is supposed to be my closest friend, then how can i ask this of the other bridesmaids? Guess I'll spend the morning of my wedding day alone. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.
Posted by kozlej[/QUOTE]

Forgive me if the thread is dead, but before I read the rest of these replies, I wanted to address this.

Your response here is beyond childish. You think it is your right to be doted on because you are the bride. You are wrong. It is not foolish of you to <em>want</em> to surround yourself with your dearest friends. It is SELFISH of you to <em>demand </em>that (one of) your dearest friends make you a higher priority than her own children. Do your other bridesmaids want to get ready with you on the day of? Then they will. I doubt they will see it as all (maids) or nothing. Just go about your day and enjoy your time with your MOH when she is able to join you.

I know the responses you have and will get to this are tough to hear, but I promise you it's for your own good. I doubt your relationship with your best friend is worth losing over these things.

krckjm8 · January 2013

I disagree with most of the responses. I think that it is expected that the MOH attend all events and that they should be the one planning the bridal showers and such for you. You asked her to be the MOH, and I'm pretty sure every female in the world knows what being a MOH means. If she has other obligations and is not able to be the MOH with her duties than she should have declined and asked to be a bridesmaid instead. I think it is crap that she is saying that she cannot come because of the baby. She can easily come at least for half the time and excuse herself to come home to breastfeed. I know your MIL does not want children at the rehersal dinner, but it is YOUR rehersal dinner. You can ask her if it would make it easier for her to bring the baby with her. I would say that if she was able not participating in a couple of things then it is not a big deal, but since she is sketching out on everything, I would be really upset. It would hurt my feelings that she is not even making an effort to be there to support me thoughout everything. I think with it being so close to the wedding, it will only hurt things by talking to her. If it was months before, then maybe talk with her about how you were feeling. Good luck girly, it is hard work being a bride! Walking on eggshells to make everybody else happy, when people are acting funky, not caring about the way you feel! No wonder so many people elope!! lol

jennylee813 · January 2013

What Stage said.

Why do so many people buy into the 'it's MY day and the whole world has to stop and assist me' thing?

If I need SUPPRORT to get married, well then, I shouldn't be getting married at all. It's supposed to be a happy occasion, not something to get through and be stressed over. At the end of the day, you'll be married, and THAT'S what matters.

banana468 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-frustration?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:a9eb2920-d7ba-4a6d-9c9b-c3902905cfd2Post:6f3e9a51-0606-488a-9717-80e8d66ba100">Re: Maid of Frustration</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with most of the responses. I think that it is expected that the MOH attend all events and that they should be the one planning the bridal showers and such for you. You asked her to be the MOH, and I'm pretty sure every female in the world knows what being a MOH means. If she has other obligations and is not able to be the MOH with her duties than she should have declined and asked to be a bridesmaid instead. I think it is crap that she is saying that she cannot come because of the baby. She can easily come at least for half the time and excuse herself to come home to breastfeed. I know your MIL does not want children at the rehersal dinner, but it is YOUR rehersal dinner. You can ask her if it would make it easier for her to bring the baby with her. I would say that if she was able not participating in a couple of things then it is not a big deal, but since she is sketching out on everything, I would be really upset. It would hurt my feelings that she is not even making an effort to be there to support me thoughout everything. I think with it being so close to the wedding, it will only hurt things by talking to her. If it was months before, then maybe talk with her about how you were feeling. Good luck girly, it is hard work being a bride! Walking on eggshells to make everybody else happy, when people are acting funky, not caring about the way you feel! No wonder so many people elope!! lol
Posted by krckjm8[/QUOTE]

There are so many things wrong with this.

Maid of Frustration

Re: Maid of Frustration

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