Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...

island07b2b · May 2011

taking his last name or hyphenating?

I heard on my local AM news this morning that older brides (35 and over) are six times more likely to keep their last names when marrying. They also cite that women higher educations and high paying jobs also will tend to keep their last names.

I wanted to hypenate my last name but the FH is adamant that I take his last name. He says that marriage for him means that we are now one and me hyphenating my name feels like I am holding back a part of myself from him.

What are your thoughts ladies?

Geri510 · May 2011

I voted for taking his name even though I'm more educated & make more money. I was thinking of using my maiden as my new middle name but we'll see.

I think older brides (which I'm one of) keep their names because they are more established in their careers.

Sue-n-Kevin · May 2011

I'm keeping my last name for a couple of reasons:

- I have a son with the same last name who has no relationship with his father. For me it would be like dis-inheriting him, LOL

- Our surname is one that was "made up" when my grandfather arrived at the age of 3 through immigration. (Yes, they used to change your surname to sound more "American"). The only people in the country with that last name are related to us.

- I'm an only child, and have had this name for my entire life. It connects me to my parents and the family of immigrants.

My fiance understands and accepts this. His last name is much easier to pronounce, but everyone knows me in my career and life by my current name. I've told him someday I may add his last name to be my middle name (I have none). That's a wait and see thing.

right1thistime · May 2011

I took his last name. This has more to do with the fact that at 22 I took my xh's last name, and had been known by that name for 22 years. I was happy to get rid of it (didn't do so @ the time of divorce d/t small children).

I do however, wish I had kept my maiden name all along. I am very attached to the family history of that name. I moved my maiden name to take the place of my middle name. Small consolation. ~Donna

memSomerville · May 2011

I have a professional trail with my somewhat-unusual last name. I have lots of legal documents in my life in my current name. And I have a publication trail in science with my name.

I'm keeping it. FI doesn't care.

In MA FI can change his name easily (because of the same sex marriage laws). I asked him if he wanted to, and he laughed.

In addition, we are in 2 countries with special problems of document trails. Screwing with our names would not help if we needed legal docs in the future.

coralee715 · May 2011

I was married at 20 and took his name, when I divorced 15 years later I took back my maiden name even though I had children and a career with my "married name". Now that I am getting married again I will take his name. It's just what I want to do.

impslave · May 2011

I kept my name because, in all honesty, I didn't want to be bothered with the hassle of changing it. I own a condo on my own, so there would be all that paperwork. Not to mention car and license at the DMV, social security, passport, credit cards, bank, utilities, and so on.

My husband fully supported and accepted my decision, it was a conversation we had early on in our engagement. Had he insisted that I took his name, I would have seriously reconsidered our relationship. I feel that a woman doesn't have to change her name to show that she is "one" with her husband. The exchange of vows, rings and all that should be good enough.

OP, in the end, I believe that every woman needs to choose for herself. I completely support any woman who changes her name because she wanted to do so. But I have an aversion to the idea when a woman is coerced by her FI to comply with an outdated, and frankly unnecessary, custom. I would suggest to continue communicating with your FI, your offer to hyphenate is a very acceptable compromise.

shytownkelly · May 2011

I am taking his name.

I have an unusual maiden name - as a kid/teen I always said I would keep my last name unless my new husband's last name is even more bizarre. Well - my ex husband's last name is very UNIQUE. (ugh. and mis pronounced/misspelled...what was I thinking!?)

When we divorced I didn't know what to do with my name. I didn't really want to go back to my maiden name (my relationship with my father disintgrated to the point where I don't want to be associated even by name with him) - didn't really want to keep the ex's. Was toying with the idea of taking my mother's maiden name, but if I was going to go to the trouble of all the paperwork it was going to be the last change. So I waited - figured I can always do in a few years.

Now I'm getting married - and he has a nice EASY name yet not generic. So I'll deal with the hassle of changing professionally and legally - gladly!

WEEZIE918 · May 2011

I'm taking his name, even though I'm going to miss the name I had for 40+ years. I don't think he'd mind if I wanted to keep my name, but I'm traditional in that way. Not looking forward to getting everything changed though!!

maglinpa · May 2011

I am planning on taking his last name. Never really considered anything else. I am not sure what I will do with my last name. Not sure that I want it as my new middle name. My mother has always considered my middle name as part of my first name--even when I was not in trouble--in true southern tradition. There are various people who still refer to me with both names.

tenofcups4me · May 2011

I kept mine. It never occurred to me to change it. I self-identify as my name, the same as I always did, not DH's wife. Just as DH is still his name, even though he's my husband. From a career perspective, it would have been crazy to change -- I make my living with my name and would have been throwing away 2 decades of reputation.

More importantly, I'm really opposed to the tradition on philosophical grounds and just typed up a whole response that probably would have offended just about everybody so I deleted it.

OP, one thing I will add, though, is that I don't see how this is your FH's decision. If he feels strongly and you feel strongly, well, you win because it's YOUR name, not his.

southofnormal · May 2011

Keeping my name. I hyphenated it for my first marriage and most people just ended up using just his last name anyway. Pissed me off. When we divorced I took back my name and I'm not changing it again! :-)

island07b2b · May 2011

Oh wow. It's almost even between keeping your last name and taking your FH/DH's name with taking having a slight lead.

The reasons for me wanting to hyphenate my last name was to try and compromise with my DH. I really dread having to change my last name. Too many docs, accounts, etc. Yuck! That really is my only hesistation to taking his last name. So, I will think about it some more. I have time.

Thanks for all the replies ladies!

trishc69 · May 2011

I am taking FI's name. I have my XH's name and kept it after the divorce to have the same last name as my daughter. After about a year, I kind of regretted not reverting to my maiden name. Although, I don't like my maiden name!! LOL Anyway, I think I will be with FI for good, DD may change her name someday, and I like the feel of us having our last name in common. I am not looking forward to the paperwork, however!

Lisa50 · May 2011

Have you asked your fiance if he'd like to take your last name? That way, he could prove his love by not holding back. My goodness! I have never heard of such adamancy.

vexie · May 2011

I'll be taking his last name

MisplacedSouthernBelle · May 2011

Ah, this has been a topic of conversation for Prince Charming and I almost since day one. I always said I would never give up my name. I never liked the symbolism of a woman giving up her name. I thought a good compromise would be for my husband and I to both hyphenate our names. But, then I fell in love with a man with three children. Hyphenating his name is not an option. And, frankly, even if he didn’t have kids, I think PC would be horrified at the idea. One of the things I love about him is that he has the lovely old-fashioned side, and for him a wife taking her husband’s name is a profoundly meaningful act.

For months we went back and forth, with me explaining why the tradition bothered me and him trying to explain why it was so important to him. And then finally one night we had an actual argument about it. I got off the phone (we live 1,000 miles apart right now) just feeling discouraged and a little sad, because there didn’t seem to be an answer. Later than night I got an email from him: “I’ve known since I was 17 years old that I wanted you to be my wife. There’s nothing more important to me than that. I would be honored if you would take my name, but in the end all that matters is that you’ll be my wife. In my heart you’ve always been Mrs. [Prince Charming], and that’s always going to be true. Do what feels right to you, and know that I love you and will respect your choice, no matter what.”
For me, that was all I needed to hear. He doesn’t know it yet, but when we get married next year I’ll be taking PC's name. He thinks we’ve settled on me just hyphenating it, but at some point before the wedding, when we exchange our wedding gifts, I’m going to give him a gift box with a copy of my new business card bearing my new married name - no hyphens. I think it will be the most meaningful gift I could give him.
There’s no doubt it will be a pain. I have spent 20 years building a professional reputation with my maiden name. And there are all the other headaches others have already mentioned. But, in the end, all of that will be worth it to see the look on his face when he opens that box.

memSomerville · May 2011

Boy, is Maria Shriver psyched with her choice today or what....

Her kid even changed his name on twitter today: http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2011/05/tweet-of-day-patrick-shriver.html

MisplacedSouthernBelle · May 2011

Thanks, Lucy. Love the pix of your dog!

IslandBeachBride · May 2011

I'm taking his name. The day my divorce was final I took my maiden name back. Even though I have sons with the ex, I wanted to distance myself from him. My married name was ...to say the least very unique and my maiden name is pretty common. His is definately an Irish last name. The paperwork doesn't bother me - already done it twice and I'm past the point of worrying about my name due to a career.

island07b2b · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:19507728-a911-4e81-956f-cf40d4618cb9">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you asked your fiance if he'd like to take your last name? That way, he could prove his love by not holding back. My goodness! I have never heard of such adamancy.
Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

Hmmmm...the answer would be a resounding no but I understand what you mean. He's not being an ogre with his request. He just feels that marriage is about being one and part of that for him is having the same last name. Honestly, if it wasn't for all of the work involved with name changing, I wouldn't be thinking about this at all. I'd take his last name in a minute.

island07b2b · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:0eb13f9c-1dc2-466e-a1af-e758d74220cf">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]mem, I saw that. I had a feeling there was more to their split than we'd heard so far! Misplaced, your PC sounds like a sweet man, and I think your gift to him of a new business card with your married surname will mean the world to him. I'm glad that he came around and accepted your feelings toward taking his name...how funny that his accepting that is what made you want to change your name. Either way, you two sound like a great couple.
Posted by LucyHC[/QUOTE]

Totally agree. :)

tenofcups4me · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:e50c0d9b-4ff0-4cef-85ca-f59b863a3968">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or... : Hmmmm...the answer would be a resounding no but I understand what you mean. He's not being an ogre with his request. He just feels that marriage is about being one and part of that for him is having the same last name. Honestly, if it wasn't for all of the work involved with name changing, I wouldn't be thinking about this at all. I'd take his last name in a minute.
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]

I don't really understand. You would have had to do the same paperwork to legally change your name to a hyphenated name. If you're really ok with changing it, then the paperwork isn't that big a deal. Millions of women do it every year. But if you're not really ok with it, you and your FH need more talks about this.

island07b2b · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:b9b27931-f855-4d28-8d64-8e516b38b13c">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or... : I don't really understand. You would have had to do the same paperwork to legally change your name to a hyphenated name. If you're really ok with changing it, then the paperwork isn't that big a deal. Millions of women do it every year. But if you're not really ok with it, you and your FH need more talks about this.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

Yeah you know are right about that. I guess I am talking in circles here. Maybe my real issue is feeling like I am losing a piece of who I am by giving up my last name and not the paperwork. I don't know. Everyone here has made good arguments for their choice. So yeah. More convos with the FH are in order.

Lisa50 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:a786ae39-e47c-4e96-b859-98073b3bd306">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or... : Yeah you know are right about that. I guess I am talking in circles here. Maybe my real issue is feeling like I am losing a piece of who I am by giving up my last name and not the paperwork. I don't know. Everyone here has made good arguments for their choice. So yeah. More convos with the FH are in order.
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I can imagine it would be tough. I knew, long before I married the first time (at age 31) that I would never change my name. That decision was as natural to me, and my best friends (none of whom changed their names), as it seems changing one's name is to a lot of people. But, in the end, I think it should be your decision.

Now, fast forward 19 years, and I am actually considering changing my name this time around. At age 50 and having lived through two major career changes (forced by layoffs), I know my professional reputation is solid as a rock and I'll always be known by my birth name in those circles. Period. Here's the deal, I am not putting a deadline on the decision. I may do it when I retire. We'll see.

Go with your gut. I just don't want you (or anyone) to feel bullied into doing something like this. Good luck!

2dBride · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_40-plus-brides_keeping-last-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:69dea60c-2319-4015-8380-4a5cc0f18476Discussion:1ab7ba6c-341c-4dcd-a55a-898e7c560da3Post:a786ae39-e47c-4e96-b859-98073b3bd306">Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are You Keeping Your Last Name or... : Yeah you know are right about that. I guess I am talking in circles here. Maybe my real issue is feeling like I am losing a piece of who I am by giving up my last name and not the paperwork. I don't know. Everyone here has made good arguments for their choice. So yeah. More convos with the FH are in order.
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]I would suggest to him that he take your last name so that you two will have the same last name. I suspect that if he thinks about what an immediate hassle and emotional wrench it would be for him to change his name, he will understand better your reluctance to change yours.

Of course, my view is that he doesn't get to decide what your name will be after marriage unless you get to decide what his name will be.

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