We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50!

ycks · October 2012

Having a fairly small, low-key wedding is important to me. I had assumed that my parents and my FI's Mom would probably help pay for some of our wedding costs, and we would have to pay some ourselves (we cannot afford to pay all ourselves). I figured that wanting a small number of guests and a casual reception would help us, as well as all of the parents, to save money.

What ended up happening, is that my parents insisted on paying for ALL of it... which is great, but they also plan on inviting a tremendous number of extended family I barely know, their neighbors I've never met, and their coworkers that even they don't necessarily like. I feel like this whole thing is snow-balling and getting away from me. And now that we're inviting all those people, my parents talking about changing our ideal location to make travel for those folks easier, and amending the date and the menu to accommodate the religious restrictions of these guests (that my close family and friends don't observe). I feel so out of control!

How do I get things back to small and intimate and casual?

Or do I get no say at all because I can't afford to pay for it all myself?

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_we-wanted-75-people-at-our-wedding-and-my-mom-is-inviting-50?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:77b407ff-d005-4f43-b599-f9f796e91ec0Post:602dc330-5584-4c26-8ef3-4505c750900a">We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50!</a>:
[QUOTE]Having a fairly small, low-key wedding is important to me. I had assumed that my parents and my FI's Mom would probably help pay for some of our wedding costs, and we would have to pay some ourselves (we cannot afford to pay all ourselves). I figured that wanting a small number of guests and a casual reception would help us, as well as all of the parents, to save money. What ended up happening, is that my parents insisted on paying for ALL of it... which is great, but they also plan on inviting a tremendous number of extended family I barely know, their neighbors I've never met, and their coworkers that even they don't necessarily like. I feel like this whole thing is snow-balling and getting away from me. And now that we're inviting all those people, my parents talking about changing our ideal location to make travel for those folks easier, and amending the date and the menu to accommodate the religious restrictions of these guests (that my close family and friends don't observe). I feel so out of control! How do I get things back to small and intimate and casual? Or do I get no say at all because I can't afford to pay for it all myself?
Posted by ycks[/QUOTE]

Money = Strings.
The ones paying = The ones calling the shots

You want to take control back? Tell your parents thank you but no thank you and start saving so you and your FI can pay for the wedding you want to have because the way it is now, it is your parent's party and they can do whatever they want.

samantha24p · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_we-wanted-75-people-at-our-wedding-and-my-mom-is-inviting-50?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:77b407ff-d005-4f43-b599-f9f796e91ec0Post:a66f15d5-029c-489e-9004-abf8b4535fb4">Re: We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50! : Money = Strings. The ones paying = The ones calling the shots You want to take control back? Tell your parents thank you but no thank you and start saving so you and your FI can pay for the wedding you want to have because the way it is now, it is your parent's party and they can do whatever they want.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Maggie0829 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_we-wanted-75-people-at-our-wedding-and-my-mom-is-inviting-50?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:77b407ff-d005-4f43-b599-f9f796e91ec0Post:a66f15d5-029c-489e-9004-abf8b4535fb4">Re: We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50! : Money = Strings. The ones paying = The ones calling the shots You want to take control back? Tell your parents thank you but no thank you and start saving so you and your FI can pay for the wedding you want to have because the way it is now, it is your parent's party and they can do whatever they want.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Yup, all of this.

SB1512 · October 2012

Agree with all of the above. Even if it means you have to push the wedding out a year to save up money, do it. Sounds like if you stick with the way things are now it will be the wedding your parents want, not the one you and FI want. If you don't want to change the wedding date just change the time so your reception is at a non-meal time. That way, you don't need to serve a full meal, you can just do cake, punch and maybe some trays from Costco/BJ's/grocery store if it's in the budget.

tonyadombrowski · October 2012

I think that if you tell your parents you want it at the location you want it at and the menu that you want, and they are still willing to pay for it all, then let them invite who they want. In the end, you get what you want and they get to invite ppl they want. When I made my guest list, I asked both sides of our fam if we missed anyone or if they wanted to add anyone. I figure that if there helping they can have a little say so w friends and fam. There proud your getting married so they are just excited! My dad is inviting 8 guys from his work whom Ive never met but told me hes paying for them, so I dont care! Do what you want to do, and what makes you happy. If your ok with extra ppl and having the venue you want then do it, other wise youll have to save on your own and that could be tough!

ycks · October 2012

I suppose it was naive to hope they would appreciate my frugality? ;-)

Unfortunately, FI and I are both studying to be doctors so it will be several years before we would have any income to save. If I had my way, I'd do things pretty cheaply anyways, but without some help we wouldn't be able to do a wedding at all. It seems like the consensus is that there's no asking for some help? It's all or nothing? We're in our early/mid 30s, so waiting 4 years is not trivial!

As far as my parents are concerned, I don't want it to be a choice between doing everything their way and telling them they don't get to be involved at all. That would break their hearts. Even if I don't care about having a courthouse wedding, I don't have it in me to dissappoint my family or my fiance's family.

I wish there was a middle ground between being my parents' puppet and telling them to take a hike completely. Seems extreme! But from the responses, it would appear that those are the only options in your experiences. Thanks for the honesty at least.

erinlin25 · October 2012

Have you tried discussing your vision with your parents...are they open to your ideas? Let them know your concerns and the things that are important to you. I may be mis-reading but it sounds like they are just moving forward with their ideas, rather than working with you and your FI.

I had this same fear with my parents for I knew they had the traditional idea of me getting married in our hometown with the big fancy dress/reception, etc. Luckily my FI and I just had a united front with them regarding our vision and how we weren't comfortable with them shelling out a huge amount for one night. There were not any places in the Bay Area I thought were worth the money and simply just did some research to show them what they would pay there vs. finding a place just as nice somewhere else. It took time, but I kept showing them alternate venues out of town and played nice by looking at their ideas too. I did research to show how it can save them money in certain places by doing things another way. They actually are coming around and are so happy with the place we picked. I discovered just including them in the process is fine with them and they see how happy FI and I are planning that they are being supportive of us doing things different. They didn't want to feel that although they were paying that would cause them to get their way so as long as we are keeping them included they have been fine so far. I know I have a few more months and things may change, but I have found just being an adult and talking to them about it has allowed us to happily plan things together. We all have to give and take and I just have to pick my battles, but so far so good with just communicating with them has been a positive planning experience. Try talking to them and maybe they too will come around. Good Luck

ycks · October 2012

Thanks Erin,

That's more encouraging at least. We'll give it a shot and see how it goes!

shine882007 · October 2012

You can reiterate your idea of what you want your wedding to be like to your parents, but if they are paying then they get the ultimate say.

ceceibson · October 2012

My parents paid for my first wedding and it was my mother's party all the way. I wore her dress, the reception was all her doing, she controlled the guest list, etc.

Sadly, the marriage ended 2 1/2 years later when prince charming left me for his boss's secretary.

When my now DH and I married this summer, I paid for everything. So it was our party, our vision, our choices.

My mother, of course, had plenty of opinions. Some of which I integrated into our plans but most of which I freely rejected.

If your only true alternative wouldl be a courthouse wedding, perhaps your parents will be willing to sit down and have an open discussion about the situation and your concerns.

Like the others, though, I have to think there's some way for you and your fiance to have a wedding you two can afford without your parents' contribution, in the event it comes to that.

Peledreamsofrain · October 2012

This is a discussion you need to have with you parents asap. Be honestwith them. They'd probably be shocked to hear that their planning is making you think of eloping. Don't be accusational, but let them know what you've always dreamed of for a wedding. Very few parents want to be responsible for making their daughter miserable during her wedding.

We wanted 75 people at our wedding and my Mom is inviting 50!

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