Priest Blessing?

BarbourWales04 · March 2011

A little bit of background- I'm not Catholic, but FI is. He was raised in the Church (schools as well) and I'm a Baptist. We're getting married in a Baptist service, mostly because my parents are hyper-religious (long story) and since they're paying for it, we really don't have a choice. As a compromise, though, FI and I would like to have a priest bless our marriage but not preform a mass. Even if it weren't important to FI's family (which it is), it is important to him, and this is the one thing he's asked for.

I suppose my question from the ladies on this board is, does this happen very often and is it even possible? I know the Church won't recognize our marriage if we marry outside a Catholic church, but since I don't plan to convert, would a blessing be too far out of the norm for a priest to even consider?

Riss91 · March 2011

You do not need to convert for your marriage to be recognized by the Catholic church. I think your FI should speak to a priest ASAP. There are dispensations for Catholics to be married in other Christian churches and still have the marriage be valid in the eyes of the Catholic church. Usually this happens when there is a relative performing the ceremony, but it's worth a shot. There's really no such thing as a "blessing" to the Catholic church. Convalidations are offered in rare cases, but I would be sure to speak to a priest before committing to anything.

I think that since it is important to him to have the marriage recognized by the Catholic church, you shouldn't let your parents' opinions be the deciding factor on where you get married. No matter how much they are paying, this is your marriage and your souls. I would deny my parents' money if it meant I'd be forced to be married outside the church.

Calypso1977 · March 2011

as Riss said, a "blessing" is not the same as a "convalidation". a blessing makes people feel good, a convalidation actually makes your marriage valid in the eyes of the church. your FI needs to understand that difference, as i'm sure he wants a valid marriage.

you do have a choice on where to get married. dont take your parents money. riss' second paragraph stated it best.

BarbourWales04 · March 2011

Thanks ladies! Since all of FI's siblings were married in Catholic masses, we weren't quite sure what the procedure would be. FI has already spoken to a few priests in my area, and one of them has said that he'd get back to us, so now we're just waiting.

A little bit more background too- he's Australian, and we plan on getting married here. I'm an only child, and it's for my parents, or otherwise we'd just get married in Australia and call it even. I'm immigrating to Australia after the wedding; our wedding would be the last opportunity I have to see some of my relatives for a while. We can't afford the type of wedding that would accomodate my relatives (I have a very large extended family) without my parent's help, and they know that. I haven't even brought this up to them as yet, since I only see them about once every few weeks or so.

I'm an observant Baptist, and when I go to mass with FI (as I do occasionally, the same way he goes to service with me) I don't take communion or rise at the Apostolic Creed, simply because I feel it's more respectful not to participate when I don't believe in transubstantiation or in the words of the Creed. There's nothing wrong with those beliefs at all (and if I thought there was, I couldn't marry a Catholic!!), but they aren't my own.

I would have no problem getting married in a mass. My parents don't feel that way, and since they're not thrilled about FI anyway (another long story) "letting them throw me a wedding would go a long way towards them accepting our marriage" (thier words, not mine). If they can't accept a convalidation, then we'll just get married in FI's hometown and call it even.

Riss91 · March 2011

Can't your parents' control over the wedding be limited to the reception? Grrr...I get really upset when parents play guilt trips with their kids over something so personal and important!

BTW - I lived in Australia for a few months. If I could transplant my family, I'd move there in a second! What part of Aus will you be living in?

BarbourWales04 · March 2011

Honestly, Riss- I'm upset over it too. We wanted a small, simple wedding with just our parents and our very closest friends, and then my parents got involved, and now it's turning into a HUGE PPD- and we're a year or so out (still haven't locked down a firm date- the one on my ticker is the most likely one. He's teaching overseas right now, and I'm going to join him in a few months; a lot's dependent on our jobs right now). I can't even imagine how stressed I'll be once it gets closer. I just keep reminding myself that, at the end of the day, I'll be marrying the love of my life, and that's all that matters.

We'll most likely be moving to lower Queensland. I'm super excited. I loved Australia when I went to visit- out of all the places I've been, that's probably my favorite! Of course, that had a lot to do with FI and my FILs (an incredible group of people) but I loved getting to know the Aussies that I did meet!

laurenes · March 2011

Have you thought about having a second ceremony to have the marriage honored in the catholic church?

If I'm understanding this correctly, you're getting married in the US at a baptist church, then moving to austrailia. As a non convert, you can have a wedding ceremony without the communion - I want to say it's just a liturgy of the word, but I'm not sure. You wouldn't need to have a huge group of people, but you could do the liturgy of the word . You can always do the wedding your parents want you to have over here, and then when you move over you could have a small ceremony with FI's parents family if you were up to it, just a quiet family affair and then go out to dinner or something. It would probably be a nice way of honoring his beliefs without having to rock the boat with your parents, plus you'll get to bring his family together and spend time with them after you've moved. I understand the frustrations w/ parents using the financial sway to get their way with weddings - luckily, all in all there have only be a few issues with mine.

Convalidation may be easier and less hassle though. Either way, good luck with your wedding plans!

Calypso1977 · March 2011

the issue with that lauren is that the second ceremony would indeed be the convalidation. and she'd have to have a pretty compelling reason as to why they didnt marry in the catholci church to begin with. unfortunately "because my parents were paying" is most likley not gonna fly as a valid reason for her FI turning his back on the catholic church.

OP, id have a serious conversation with your FI. make a decision about what the two of you truly want, and just say NO to your parents. fancy weddings with frills and 400 people arnet for everyone, nor do they make you any more or less married. the money is not important.

monkeysip · March 2011

I know there are services where a priest and a protestant minister do the marriage ceremony together (not a mass, obviously). Its something I've seen catholic/protestant couples do before. What I'm not sure of is whether it must be done in a Catholic Church or if it can be done in a Protestant one.

Either way, there ARE solutions to this problem. There should be options to compromise between both families. Don't give up!

ootmother2 · March 2011

My brother was married in a Protestant church, Congregationalist, I believe, the pastor of the church with a Catholic priest there as well.

Blessing outside of a church ceremony? A couple I know got married in their garden by a Protestant minister because they both were divorced and the bride, Catholic. Another good friend, a Catholic priest, also attended the wedding. He didn't participate in the ceremony at all but he gave a blessing at the meal. Obviously, he was trying to toast his friends but without giving a particularly religious side to it.

I think your FI is very lucky to be marrying someone who would go to such effort to respect his religion, practicing or not.

Good luck with your planning.

GulfCoaster · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_priest-blessing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:253f9e69-b627-4250-92a1-7dfad4fc8196Post:1e1560b4-a04d-4ce3-b177-fd99fefac053">Re: Priest Blessing?</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm an observant Baptist, and when I go to mass with FI (as I do occasionally, the same way he goes to service with me) I don't take communion or rise at the Apostolic Creed, simply because I feel it's more respectful not to participate when I don't believe in transubstantiation or in the words of the Creed. There's nothing wrong with those beliefs at all (and if I thought there was, I couldn't marry a Catholic!!), but they aren't my own.Posted by BarbourWales04[/QUOTE]

Butting in as a former Baptist to say... you probably do believe a lot of the Nicene Creed. That doesn't mean you have to profess it with the rest of the congregation if you're not comfortable with it, but the vast majority of the Creed is just basic Christian doctrine -- God the Father created the world, Jesus Christ is the Son of God and our Savior, the Holy Spirit spoke through the prophets. When I was a Baptist, I think the only part of the Nicene Creed I would not have been able to profess would be two lines in the final paragraph: "We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins." All the rest, I think I would have been able to profess honestly, without any problem. (Of course I said I'm a former Baptist, so I changed my mind on those things eventually, lol...)

Anyway, that's sort of a digression from the main point of your post, so I apologize. :) I think it's great that you are trying to support your FI in practicing his faith, and that you can be so respectful and supportive of each other's different beliefs. I'd urge you to discuss openly with each other what is important to the two of you, and then plan your wedding accordingly. If that means declining some or all of your parents money, then so be it.

laurenes · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_priest-blessing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:253f9e69-b627-4250-92a1-7dfad4fc8196Post:072e0645-04bf-494e-b1e2-626529732823">Re: Priest Blessing?</a>:
[QUOTE]the issue with that lauren is that the second ceremony would indeed be the convalidation. Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

learn something new every day.

Of course, I know you noted "because my parents are paying." Is not a valid reason. Couldn't "because we're trying to acknowledge and honor both of our religious backgrounds, so we had the American wedding with the baptists, because the American side of the family is Baptist, and we're having the Catholic wedding w/ the Australians?" I don't know as I've never had to deal w/ that situation, but it seems it would be reasonable, as I do know there are ceremonies were both a Catholic priest and Rabbi/prostantant pastor have officiated, though given the distance it seems like it would make more sense just to have two separate ceremonies.

agapecarrie · March 2011

It is against canon law to have 2 religious ceremonies.

aclove2lope · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_priest-blessing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:253f9e69-b627-4250-92a1-7dfad4fc8196Post:537d78f9-6977-4096-8cc4-db320c272fc0">Re: Priest Blessing?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Have you thought about having a second ceremony to have the marriage honored in the catholic church?</strong> If I'm understanding this correctly, you're getting married in the US at a baptist church, then moving to austrailia. As a non convert, you can have a wedding ceremony without the communion - I want to say it's just a liturgy of the word, but I'm not sure. You wouldn't need to have a huge group of people, but you could do the liturgy of the word . You can always do the wedding your parents want you to have over here, and then when you move over you could have a small ceremony with FI's parents family if you were up to it, just a quiet family affair and then go out to dinner or something. It would probably be a nice way of honoring his beliefs without having to rock the boat with your parents, plus you'll get to bring his family together and spend time with them after you've moved. I understand the frustrations w/ parents using the financial sway to get their way with weddings - luckily, all in all there have only be a few issues with mine. Convalidation may be easier and less hassle though. Either way, good luck with your wedding plans!
Posted by laurenes[/QUOTE]

You can always just have a marriage at church on Sunday, just talk to your priest. You don't even need to wear a dress, just church clothes. (I mean after you do the whole shibang for your family)

Librarydragon · March 2011

As mentioned requesting a dispensation to be married "outside the form" is possible and not unusual. If that is done you can have a Catholic priest or deacon give a simple closing prayer or at the reception.

BarbourWales04 · March 2011

Thanks so much, ladies!!!! You all have given me a lot to think about and talk over with FI. I'm sure we can find something that will at least be acceptable to everyone.

@Gulf- I agree with you

. I guess it's just the second-to-last line that I have issue with, and I can't say the whole thing and just not say the last line- I feel like it would be disrespectful to FIs beliefs if I just said part of the Creed. Having said that, we do have very similar beliefs, just not religious traditions.

@Calypso- Let me say that I'm not trying to be disrespectful here- the Internet's a funny thing, and I don't want you to think that I'm flaming you or something. FI isn't turning his back on the Church by marrying me- his brother is also a practicing Catholic who's married to a non-practicing Buddhist. Since FBIL and his wife were married in a mass, though, none of this was an issue. It's a huge concession for FI to get married outside the Church, which is something that I'm trying to acknowledge. We want our marriage recognized by the Church in any case. He'll always be a practicing Catholic, and I wouldn't want it any other way. One of the things I've always found most attractive about him is his faith.

It's got nothing to do with my parents paying. THEY want the PPD, not me. I do know (after doing some more research!) that it is possible for a Catholic to get married outside of the Church, with a dispensation from a bishop (I hope I'm getting this right) for the sake of family harmony, among other reasons, which is what this falls under. If it will help my parents accept my marriage and this is the only way they'll accept FI, then I'll let them throw us a wedding. It is what it is. Like I said, if it comes down to it, then we'll just get married the way we wanted to in the first place- either way, we're getting married, PPD and acceptance or not.

Calypso1977 · March 2011

barbour - to clarify my point about "turning his back on his faith"

if your FI marries outside of the church, in a ceremony not recognized by the church, he technically cannot receive sacraments since teh catholic church will consider him to be in a state of sin.

he can still attend mass, pray, etc. but he cannot recieve communion.

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