Mom hates DW plans (sorta long)

ms_teach · June 2010

I should go to bed, but I had to get this off my chest first. My dad and I are very close, but my mom's a bit on the grouchy side and tends to be disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable. For this reason, we've never really been very close. We live several hours apart and that seems to help, but I'm home visiting for Father's Day right now. Joy!

Anyway, we asked early on if a DW would totally be out of the question. They (dad) said to go for it if it's what I wanted. All along, I've taken the attitude that this is our wedding and while we'd love for people to come to it, we're doing it for us, not them. So, if they (aunts, cousins, grandparents) can't/won't travel to come, then that's fine. We'll send pictures.

My mom can't get over this. She acts like no one will come and thinks FI will have way more people there than us. My thoughts are 1) who cares if it's uneven and 2) a lot of my family members have talked about coming even though we haven't even invited anyone yet, so I think the people I really want to come will be there.

I'm starting to understand why people elope. I thought a DW would be perfect because the little girl in me really wants my dad to walk me down an aisle (a sandy one!) and I want to say our vows in front of the people closest to us.

I don't know what I'm looking for... support maybe? Have your parents welcomed your DW plans?

numb3rMel · June 2010

My parents were both really supportive and they are so excited. But FI's family was so not into it. They are still questioning our decision 3 months before.... yep, not going to change it. But at least they're not being as vocal. I think after the traditional one they just had for the daughter, they've come around to a wedding they don't have to help plan.

I say go for it and prove your mom wrong. Prove that this is your dream and your choice and it'd be more than welcome for her to be supportive. Regardless if that's how she feel or not, she might as well get used to the fact.

Hope that helps. Sorry you're dealing with that.

ms_teach · June 2010

Thanks. I need to work on not letting it show when she gets under my skin. Sometimes I think she thrives off the drama.

Maybe by the time we're as close to our wedding as you are, she'll come around. I'm going to sleep on it.

beckerz03 · June 2010

My mom has not supported a Jamaican DW wedding.

If we went to Riviera Maya, she's be more accepting - she still wants a traditional, church wedding (I think it's because my cousins did that and she wants it now for me), but she knows, at least with me, that's never going to happen.

FI and I decided that since it seemed to be creating so many issues, we would just go at it alone, then just have a AHR (that my mom can plan, so she can feel like she did something) for everyone to come to.

While, we would like people to come...we decided that if both of our parents couldn't come (and it's looking like not only would my mom not come but his mom couldn't come) that we would just do it alone. And we're completely okay with too.

I think whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.

I will say - this board has opened my eyes to how many parents, not saying there's a lot, that don't support DW. It's hard, but when I was going through this, the ladies on the board reminded me that that's what they're here for.

JillianKrystal · June 2010

ok so my parents are happy with the DW so i cant help you there....

what i can help u with u is, we kinda have the same family type, like my dad and I get along great! like i can tell him anything. my mom on the other hand, i cant have a 5 min convo or be in the same room with for 5 mins without an argument. its not that i dont love her cuz i do but she drives me crazy and always wants to argue just for the sake of aruging so i know how u feel with that. like seriously, 1 reason i moved out was because i couldnt live with her anymore, but if u ask her, i moved cuz my room was too small (really?) anyway...

all i can say is continue with your planning. whoever wants to go will go but ultimately this is for u and your FI. whatever you guys want, do it! youll still hear her opinion, but you dont have to listen if you dont want to.

Good luck!

akhunter1 · June 2010

It took convincing my mom a littlie bit. FI parents loved the idea and my dad didn't really care where we got married. It is hard to want something when my mom had a different picture in her head.

But in the end it is about what FI and I want and not about everyone else. You don't want to look back in 15 years and be like why didn't we have the wedding we wanted?

chosen175 · June 2010

My dad has been great about it from day 1 - he just tells me that I need to make myself happy because (hopefully) I will only do this once.

My mom is supportive, but worries about traveling because she was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year. I'm going to do everything in my power to take some of her worries away and make sure she has a good time.

My aunt, who raised me and is like a second mother to me, has HATED the idea of a DW from day one. She has never said a single nice thing about it, and whenever I mention plans or things I found that I like or want to do, she always has a negative comment about them. So now I just don't tell her anything. We had a heart to heart and I found out that she's upset because I'm not getting married in a Catholic church - which means that "it's not a real wedding anyway" (because the church won't recognize our marrige unless we're married in a church by a priest.) That hurt. A lot. But I told her I refuse to plan the wedding that she (and she claims the rest of the family) want me to have because it would only make ME and FI miserable. And I told her that if she didn't have anything nice to say, to please keep her nasty and hateful comments to herself. I also told her that if she chose not to attend, that was on her, not me. (My uncle hasn't said much so I have no idea how he feels. I don't think he's happy, but at least he's not spewing hate like she is. He says they're coming.)

Sadly, a good percentage of the ladies on this board have met with resistance when it comes to doing a DW. You're definitely not alone. Just keep in mind that it's YOUR day and you should never do anything just to please someone else.... especially if it will only make you miserable. *HUG*

ms_teach · June 2010

Thank you, ladies, really. I'm glad I found this board because when I start to get that "We should just do it everyone else's way" feeling I can come here, look around, and see how beautiful (and personal) DW really are. We're doing this because the OBX is our favorite place and we didn't want to traditional/typical wedding that so many of our friends have had.

This morning mom asked me why I was even bothering to get a dress. Eye on the prize... eye on the prize...

JillianKrystal · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://destination.weddings.com/Sites/weddings/Pages/main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_mom-hates-dw-plans-sorta-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:54Discussion:711911d5-2b5d-45a6-a8ec-e88615b13725Post:46c12be6-47c6-4747-abc2-e8059770c1df">Re: Mom hates DW plans (sorta long)</a>:
[QUOTE] Eye on the prize... eye on the prize... :)
Posted by ms_teach[/QUOTE]

im gonna keep that in mind...that simple line has sooo much meaning! youre gonna have me repeating this to myself whenever my mom drives me crazy..lol

troublejessy · June 2010

My parents were TERRIBLE. I mean, I'm talking screaming fights and we didn't speak for about three weeks. My mom had some of the same fears - that no one would come, it would be too expensive, we were excluding people, we were putting people out, the list goes on. Eventually we sent out our save the dates, and once she saw that everyone else was excited and hoping to attend, she started to come around. I think it also helped that we were a team and stuck to our guns.

It's really hard, but just stand your ground. Just keep telling her that you really want her help and want to plan everything with her, but this is what the TWO of you have decided you are going to do. Sometimes it takes a while for parents to realize that you're not just their daughter anymore, you're going to be someone's wife. The two of you are adults now, a new family unit, and have the right to do whatever you feel is best. Hope that helps! I totally feel for you and know how hard it can be when someone is raining on your parade!

ms_teach · June 2010

Good point about the save the dates. At my cousin's graduation party, my aunt was asking about our plans and mentioned that she'd be excited to fly again in order to come. Then, she was concerned she had just invited herself.

I think more people will be talking about it after the STDs go out and maybe some of that will rub off on my mom.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep letting her know what we're doing and asking for her input, even if she doesn't give it. I think that's all I can do.

chosen175 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://destination.weddings.com/Sites/weddings/Pages/main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_mom-hates-dw-plans-sorta-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:54Discussion:711911d5-2b5d-45a6-a8ec-e88615b13725Post:46c12be6-47c6-4747-abc2-e8059770c1df">Re: Mom hates DW plans (sorta long)</a>:
[QUOTE] This morning mom asked me why I was even bothering to get a dress.
Posted by ms_teach[/QUOTE]

"Because I would look completely ridiculous if I got married in the crotchless lingerie I bought for the wedding night."

I know a lot of people who, unfortunately, just like to argue. It sounds like nothing you do will please your mom, so my advice would be not to show her that she's ruffling your feathers. Maybe once she realizes she's not going to get to you, she'll stop.

carrieoz_76 · June 2010

My dad was stoked about the idea; my mom has been supportive, but an intimate destination wedding is not what she would have chosen for me, I know.

I started to realize after a while that my mom had a very definite idea of what she'd have wanted for me, and what I'm doing is absolutely nothing like that. I've tried to include her in fun decisions, and when she's been less then enthused about something, I just stop including her about that thing, and I turn to others for input.

It's not perfect, but so far, it's worked. I have a deeply held conviction that everything's gonna be awesome. In the meantime when stuff comes up, I'm like Dory in Finding Nemo, and I think, Just keep swimming.

BRITTNESS83 · June 2010

Both of our families have been super supportive, except for my dad. We haven't really have a relationship since I was like 10 so I don't really care what he thinks. He threw the "more ppl will come if it is here" I don't care, bc the people that truly love us and wouldn't miss it for the world WILL be there and thats what I care about. My 3 bff's in the whole world wont be there and it makes me sad but this is what we want....we each only have one friend coming at this point

caymans_christy · June 2010

I would ask your mother what exactly she feels is missing from the DW that you would have at a traditional wedding. With the more people you add to the event, the less time you sepnd with them. We only had 34 people and I didn't have a chance to talk to everyone at the rehearsal dinner and wedding. If someone that is terribly important to yu and your FI cannot come, I would reconsider based on how important their presence is.

I loved the intimate and personal nature of our wedding. It was everything that I could have wanted and more. The people that were there weren't just friends of my parents that I don't know, or long lost family members that I never see, but people who were truly pleased to be a part of the day. And the difference is that the guests really were a part of the day, unlike traditional weddings.

ms_teach · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_mom-hates-dw-plans-sorta-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Theme BoardsForum:54Discussion:711911d5-2b5d-45a6-a8ec-e88615b13725Post:4f717f72-0c71-4074-a568-1c00858dae0d">Re: Mom hates DW plans (sorta long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom hates DW plans (sorta long) : <strong>"Because I would look completely ridiculous if I got married in the crotchless lingerie I bought for the wedding night."</strong> I know a lot of people who, unfortunately, just like to argue. It sounds like nothing you do will please your mom, so my advice would be not to show her that she's ruffling your feathers. Maybe once she realizes she's not going to get to you, she'll stop.
Posted by chosen175[/QUOTE]

Love this! My mom would DIE right on the spot. :)

I think her hang up with the DW might come from me already living several hours away from home, which makes it hard for her to track every single step of the planning. Because it's a DW, she won't be able to come with us on our planning visits and won't see the venue until our wedding. I think she feels left out, but when I try to include her she just gets snippy.

I don't know why she keeps saying her side of the family won't come (grandma, aunt, uncle, cousins). They've indicated that they're excited, mentioned making arrangements, etc. and STD and invites aren't even out yet. Plus, they all take vacation every year (some farther than our DW spot), so it's not like they can't travel. Have I mentioned that mom hasn't been out of state in YEARS and won't come visit me 3 hours away? I think it has more to do with HER and she's just saying it's everyone else.

Mom hates DW plans (sorta long)

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