Hurt over Shower

i2012do · May 2012

So I have to kind of vent here because I feel like I am overwhleming my friends with wedding talk---but...
My friend, who I am kind of close with and is invited to my shower isn't coming. She lives far, like 4 hrs away in NYC so I understood. We are close but not best friends, we talk on the phone 1-2 times a week and see each othere 3 times a year or so. We were roomates in college with 3 other girls in a house. All of those other girls are in my wedding... (she isnt insulted, i am still like best friends w them, she was a year older and moved in w us and we got close etc)

Anyway--- her best friend lives in my state and is also invited to teh wedding. I DO not see this girl often, a few times a year, but we have a good time hanging out and we are frieds I went to her wedding , her first babys shower, 1st bday etc... She is pregnant again and will be 8 months for our wedding so she might not even come- or will just come for a bit.

Well I just found out that niether of them are coming to my shower because they planned a girls weekend in NYC with their other friend (who I didn't invite to teh wedding, we don't know each other that well etc)..

I am really hurt. Its one thing for my friend from NY not to come to my shower. But my other friend from RI intentionally got my invite for my shower... its 15 min from her house, and decided that shed rather plan a girls weekend that weekend than attend. I know for a fact that they planned this girls weekend recently because I heard it from another friend. They said that the ONLY weekend all summer they were "remotely" free was the weekend of my shower.....

I am really hurt that the gilr that lives around here would literally,get my invite, and then intentionally plan a weekend away with her and someone else that was invited to my showr. As if a girls weekend together was more important than going-- AND ALSO, why couldnt they have a girls weekend in Rhode Island?? Go to my shower, and then go out have the rest of saturday to hang out,go to the beach, etc?

tuarceatha · May 2012

I would be hurt too. I'm sorry they did that. I think people don't always realize what this all means to the bride and groom. I keep telling myself that this wedding is mostly important to me and FI, and I need to lower my expectations of others excitment/interest in the wedding.

saraschilling88 · May 2012

I am sorry your friends did that, I'd be hurt too. I agree with Jen that people don't always understand what these things mean to the bride and groom. I have been struggling with a friend recently too, but won't take over your post..

I hope that you still are able to enjoy your shower

i2012do · May 2012

feel free to take over.

the thing is I was totally understanding if they couldnt come 1. because she lives far away adn 2. if she had something else to do. Hell, they could have just lied.
but its the fact that they went ahead, after they knew about my shower, to plan this weekend.

I know my one friend knows this is wrong because I talkt o her ALL the time on the phone and for the last two weeks, I keep getting ignored after ring 2 ot 3.

I'm also bumming because even though the RSVP is to my MOH and my aunt-- everyone keeps calling me to tell me they can't come.
So far of my friends invited 5 can't come thats almost half.

rungirl12 · May 2012

I agree that the situation sucks and I'm sorry you are hurt.

That being said, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. If I knew I was going to plan a girl's weekend in the summer and knew two others had to be free for it, I would be open with my schedule to ensure I got to go on that trip. That meaning, if it meant missing a wedding shower for a friend (where I was not a bridesmaid), I would likely give that up to do the trip rather than not get to do the trip. I constantly am giving up one thing for another, as I have several different social groups. For instance, I got invited to a birthday party, and a Memorial Day Breakfast this weekend, but FI & I decided, after the invite, that we were going to go camping instead because in looking at the summer, we realized it was filling up fast and we might not get the opportunity to go otherwise with all the other plans we have already made.

I know it's crummy, but from my perspective, wedding showers just aren't that fun when you're a friend. You are there to support the bride, but she's busy feeling obligated to talk to her relatives and family who probably don't see her and/or talk to her as often. You are lucky if you have a few mutual friends that you can hang out with, but it still feels stuffy going through the planned motions of the shower and not being free to just "hang out" as you normally would.

Perhaps your friends feel the way I do. It's not that they love you any less, it's just not the most fun for them and they're trying to balance everything they want to do too. Try not to be hurt or feel their actions are any reflection of how they feel about you.

libby2483 · May 2012

I agree that the situation sucks, and I can definitely understand being hurt. Rungirl does make a good point, though. Sometimes people have different priorities, and not everyone likes showers. I know that attending a shower of someone who was not a very close friend or family member would probably not be my first priority if I had a lot of other committments. It's just frustrating that they didn't consider how hurtful this would be to you.

I know that last summer, I had to choose between going to a friend's bridal shower and another friend's going away party. I chose the going away party because I knew I wouldn't see that friend again for months, whereas I would see the other friend at her bachelorette party later in the week. I wasn't trying to be hurtful, but I was just over-committed, and she understood that. So, my advice is to just chalk it up to people being busy and don't take it too personally.

i2012do · May 2012

I guess I am also hurt because I have gone through all these motions for said friend. Gone ot her bridal shower, bachelorette, wedding, baby showers, baptisms, first bday and now I have to do it again for her 2nd baby. And i feel like I will think twice about clearning my schedule to make it to the baptism of her new baby...if she went ahead and planned something during the weekend of my shower.
Plus- its not like they aren't fee other weekend. She doesn't work, and my gf that isnt coming cuz she lives in NYC is a teacher with the summers off.
They could get together on like, a Wednesday for all it matters-so I am totally frustrated.

saraschilling88 · May 2012

I can understand where you are coming from. One of my friends has always been "busy" whenever I wanted to do something with her that was WR. First, she dropped her role of BM (said she still wanted to be involved, couldn't afford the dress, so I offered her to be my personal attendant instead) 2 days before we went dress shopping (she knew about the shopping for over a month, but couldn't go because she had to go to her parents house), that same weekend was a bridal show/expo that I had asked her to go to (again didn't go because she was at her parents house). I understood, that was ok. 2 weeks later she ditched another bridal show/expo because she had to go to her parents house (mind you she'd been there EVERY weekend that month, the month before, the month before, etc..). I asked her if she had a preference to which bridal shower (I will have had 2 total) she wanted to attend. She chose to not go to FMIL's shower because "she didn't know her and wouldn't know anyone but me" (ok that I understood) but also because she had to be at her parents house that weekend (are you sensing a theme here??). When she got the invite to my Mom's shower she said, "Oh hun I just realized that is Memorial Weekend" to which I replied, "where will you be?", to which she said, "Well we might be up north but we might be at my parents house"!!!!!! I was PO'd, we basically have spoken once since then (FI and I met her, her hubby, and their kid for dinner). That afternoon I had invited her to GNO (Girls Night Out) and when we got together she was like, "oh umm well I thought you'd be too busy wedding planning to go", later she said, "well my mom's morning out class told me about it and we made plans that morning" (so she basically didn't ever even think of inviting me)... On GNO I saw her (she was like 5 feet from me with her MMO friends) and waved, she turned around and went straight to her truck not even acknowleding me (I was standing by FI's car- which has his name on the license plate, not easy to miss). Later I was driving past her vehicle and everyone in my vehicle (my friend from OOT and an acquaintance friend who I'm not super close with) waved at her truck, and she put her hand up on the side of her face like "I don't see you". I was very hurt.

I wouldn't be so upset, but her hubby is FI's best man, and she is pretty much my only friend around this area. I feel like because of her I have accidentally been icing out her hubby, and that makes me feel horrible because he is an awesome friend. I'm just so frustrated by her, and I literally bawled for over a half hour this weekend while FI just held me and told me to let it out, he didn't care if his shirt got soaked...

OP- so sorry to take over the post, this has been eating at me for so long, and we are supposed to see them tonight (and I have to get her to tell me if she is or isn't coming to my shower on Sunday) so I needed to vent it out so I don't scream.. I'm honestly partially dreading tonight, I feel like I might be losing a friend, and I don't know if I trust her to be my Personal Attendant anymore, I"m afraid something might happen and she'll "have to be at her parents house"...

i2012do · May 2012

OMG! this is terrible. I really feel like she is purposely avoiding things. Can you sit down with her and try to talk it out and figure out what is going on...and maybe see if there is a reason why.
I am sure she can missoging to herparents one day to go to a shower- but if she doesnt consider it important OR see how important it is to you, then that stinks.
I'm sorry you are going through this

and i know what you mean about icing our her husband becuase I've had that happen before where someone was acting annoying (my best friends bf)...and because of him it made me be snippy and kind of cold to my friend.

saraschilling88 · May 2012

Thank you...

I did try to talk to her about it on Thursday, she said she just couldn't leave her parents house. She has changed in the last few years, she used to be really outgoing, but she was let go from her job 2 years ago (after being put on disability for a few months, she had a surgery and couldn't walk), then had a baby, and now is a full time mommy. It just seems like the longer she is out of work, the less she wants to go out and do things (unless it is going to her parents house, or going out with other stay at home mommies). It is getting harder to talk to her, because it is getting difficult to distinguish between the truth and lies. When FI and I were leaving on Thursday (we met for dinner), my friend gave me a huge hug and said she was going to miss me this summer (see my most recent post, which I'm about to write, for more information), but I didn't know what to make of the hug because of all her recent actions...

BTW- I have nothing against stay at home Moms!! Just wanted to make sure I wrote that!!

She didn't come to my shower, but I did have a fun time regardless!!

Hurt over Shower

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