Bossy Bridesmaid?

Bri+Dmac · May 2012

I'm sure this has been asked before, but I want a personalized answer.

My MOH has been driving me INSANE. I love her, we're good friends, it's all hunky dory. However, when it comes to wedding stuff she is SO bossy. You'd think it's her wedding! First she tried to tell me when to do everything (shower, parties, even the reception). Then, she wanted to change my colors, and now, she wants to decide on the dress on her own. I'm trying to be as nice as possible. But here's what I keep hearing from her:

1. "I am going on 5 vacations this summer, so I'm only home this week and this week to do a bridal shower" (Ok, I know she's wanting to help out with the shower, and I get that, but with everything else she's doing, it's annoying me. I'm going to have it whenever she throws it, obviously, I just wish she'd consider other people's dates as well when making the decision.) & "You couldn't have your wedding on like a Friday instead of Sunday? I think it should be Friday. Move the date to Aug 31."

2. "I bought a blue dress for my boyfriend's brother's wedding in June. You should change your colors to blue, because, I like it better, and then I can just wear the same dress twice!"

3. "Because I'm going on 5 vacations and I'm not working anymore, I really don't want to spend any money on my dress. Can we get really really cheap ones?"

The third one is the current issue at hand. I've already told her the dates for the shower and everything are fine...I told her I'm simply not changing my colors, I've already bought decor & the flower girl dress in purple.
But, the money issue is starting to aggrivate me. Here's why:

She's being financially irresponsible. She chose to quit her job and has planned 5 different vacations (Vegas, Virginia, Bahamas, Keys, and the Grand Canyon). She's a student and so is her boyfriend. Neither of them are currently working.
She complains to me that she can't afford the dress because she isn't working and is still a student. Technically, she graduates this weekend. So she won't be a student all summer. All of the other bridesmaids, however, are students and don't have high-paying jobs because of their school schedules. I took all of this into account when I placed the budget. I asked what everyone could afford and everyone agreed on Under $100 being the budget. Now, she is trying to push it to like $20-30, which I think is a tad unrealistic. Everyone else is fine with the $100 and below.
My fiance owns his own business, and we have offered her a job. We told her we'd work around all of her vacations, so that she would still make great money and be able to have fun. We're offering to pay her $15/hour when she's home, and when she's on vacation she can choose to be completely off, or sell to her friends & family and make commission plus hourly. For some reason, she keeps declining the offer.

So now, I don't know what to do. All the other girls are on board for a dress that is costing them $80. And she was on board in the beginning. And all of a sudden now it's a no. I'm just not sure how to best state that she's being a little bit too bossy, and she needs to back off a little. I'm trying to be budget friendly, and I'm willing to keep shopping, but I really need her on my side! Help?

mcskatcat · May 2012

If your FI is willing to pay her to work, then it sounds like you could just pay the difference between whatever she can't afford. Approach it that way. This definitely seems like a "pick your battles" thing to me. You could draw it out over all the little things all day long, but I would just say "I really have my heart set on this dress, everyone else likes it, and I would be willing to help pay for whatever you can't afford." If she says no at that point, then yes, she is being quite difficult.

Also, I would personally hope that she doesn't take you up on the job offer. That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Bri+Dmac · May 2012

[QUOTE]If your FI is willing to pay her to work, then it sounds like you could just pay the difference between whatever she can't afford. Approach it that way...
Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]

It doesn't really work like that. He owns his business, but he's part of a larger company. So they (the company) pay (by sending him money) for his employees. Does that make sense? Basically, he can't just use business money for wedding stuff, so we're offering to pay her so that she can have the money for the dress PLUS money for her little vacations and what not.

OBX2011 · May 2012

I would stay away from telling her how bossy she is being. She could take offense to that and it could cause even more drama. Best to keep that one between you and FI.

You need to be firm in your decision that the dress you choose is in fact the dress that the girls will be wearing. Period. Give her a final date to purchase the dress by and leave it at that.

Also, her financial business is none of your business.....even if you are getting married, it's still not your business.

P.S. This is MY advice....I would hate to make it come across to some posters that I am "not owning" what I say or that I am "changing my response to be like everyone else" b/c ya know, I just HAVE to fit in with everyone else. Baahhaaahaaaaa

mbcdefg · May 2012

1a. If the bridal shower date works for you, then say OK and drop the subject. It's a party being thrown in your honor so you have to step back from the planning as much as you can. If your concern is that the date doesn't work for the other girls ... well, that's on them. They need to speak up to the MOH and tell her that a new date needs to be chosen. Nobody is holding a gun to their heads to obey every single thing the MOH says. They can always decline the shower and throw their own if they really want to.

1b. "The wedding date is set in stone. Thanks for your opinion." Change the subject or walk away.

2. "The wedding color is X. Thanks for your opinion." Change the subject or walk away.

3. You can't magically put money in someone's pocket. If she says that she can't afford $80, then she can't afford $80. It's none of your business what she spends her money on.

Your options here are:
a) "We all agreed upfront on $80. If you can't afford the dress, then wear what you want and attend as a guest."
b) "You said you can afford a $30 dress. Pay the $30 and I will pay the remaining $50 as a gift. But you will be on your own for alterations and any accessories you might need." (I would not suggest loaning her the money because you probably won't get it back.)

Another option could be to tell her that you are willing to consider dresses />$30, so she has until the end of next week to e-mail you some options to look over. There ARE ways to get nice dresses for $30 or less, but let her do the legwork. One option could be to just pick a David's Bridal color you like and then they can all go to a store or look on eBay or Craigslist for that color. Here are a ton of eBay hits for purple DB dresses, many of which are under $30.

Or just give them all a paint swatch and tell them to get a matching dress anywhere they can find it. That way she can pay what she likes. Or ask them all to get plain black cocktail dresses and you can bring in your purple color with sashes or pashmina wraps or the flowers.

As far as the job - you offered it to her and she declined. That's her right. Drop the subject. It's probably a very unwise idea anyway, since working with friends and family oftentimes turns into a gigantic mess.

mcskatcat · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bossy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:790f7edf-fa45-403f-b204-8c9385c65b9bPost:d6668317-1b3d-4d3b-8711-861e648e5e30">Re: Bossy Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]It doesn't really work like that. He owns his business, but he's part of a larger company. So they (the company) pay (by sending him money) for his employees. Does that make sense? Basically, he can't just use business money for wedding stuff, so we're offering to pay her so that she can have the money for the dress PLUS money for her little vacations and what not.
Posted by Bri+Dmac[/QUOTE]

All the same, you can't be mad at her for not taking a job she doesn't want. If your FI was a manager at McDonald's and she didn't want to take a job from him there, it would be just as justifiable.

I don't always agree with everyone on here that you can't judge or be mad about how she spends her money, but if she told you $80 isn't in her budget, then it's probably worth the $50-60 to you to just be done with it and help her out. That's how I would handle it. You can harp all day long about how she spends her money, but at the end of the day the dress won't necessarily be purchased. I don't know how good of friends you are, but if you are really good friends and have been for a long time, then frankly if I were in your boots the money would be a nonissue to me, and I would just suck it up to avoid a long drawn-out ordeal.

graysquirrel · May 2012

I think that your best bet is to stop wedding planning with her. If she is being bossy and overly opinionated, then don't involve her any more. It isn't a requirement of a BM to be involved in the planning. I would get your FI to help and leave her out of the decisions as much as possible. It will eliminate much of the stress you just described. I have seen best friends turn enemies over stuff like this because the MOH was difficult. By stopping the planning with her you can save your friendship a lot of turmoil.

As for the dress, it sounds like she agreed to a price before. I would work with the girls to find a dress based on that price or give them a designer, length, and color and let them pick. If she were really hard up for money, I'd say to offer to pay for her, but I wonder about her motives here.

Bri+Dmac · May 2012

Thanks!

32daisies · May 2012

Just to be ornery... Someone else's finances aren't your business... until they MAKE them your business. And I think that's exactly what she's done. I'm sure that were it not for her shoving down your throat that she can't afford this dress, you wouldn't give a rat's patootie how she spends her money. Right? But if someone agrees to do something with me, and then tells me they can't afford to spend $80 but can afford to go Vegas, Virginia, the Bahamas, the Keys, and the Grand Canyon... yeah, I'd have an opinion.

I'm a broken record on this, but when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you're agreeing to take part in someone else's wedding. Someone else's, not yours. You aren't going to make the decisions. And yes, it's a financial obligation. That's why you can say no. I've agreed to be a bridesmaid, and I've also said no, when I couldn't afford it, or my situation didn't allow it, and in those cases I was a happy guest instead. That's how it works, and I don't know what's so hard about that.

lag05 · May 2012

When she said yes to being in your wedding, she should knew there would be expenses. $80 is a fantastic price for a bridesmaid dress. She should pay the agreed upon price or not be in the wedding.

Bri+Dmac · May 2012

Ok, so here's an update on the situation. I was able to find an awesome dress for $70 the other day. I sent it to all the girls. It's an awesome convertible infinity wrap dress, so they can wear it anyway they want (strapless, halter, short sleeves, tank style,...the list goes on). It is a one size fits all dress (really it fits sizes 2-14). I've seen pictures of bridesmaids who have worn the dress in weddings, and it looks fantastic. I am really in love with this dress.

"Bossy Bridesmaid" of course had to comment on it. First comment, "One size fits all?! I'm not sure how I feel about that. How can a dress flatter a size 2 and a size 14 at the same time?" Of course she has an opinion. I explained how the wrap dresses work, and showed her photos of big girls and tiny girls in the exact same dress. She was like "well if I'm going to spend that much on a dress, I want to make sure it's going to flatter me." Which, it would. I sent her the size range in measurements. She's still complaining about it. Then she sends me a text the same night and says "What's the budget for your wedding?"
I'm not sure why she'd ask me that... Gah! I'm about to just say "Look. This is my wedding, and this is the dress I'd love to see everyone in. If you can't afford it, I'll help you out, but I can't outright buy anyone's dress, because it's not in my finances with a 7 month old." And be done with it. None of my other bridesmaids have said a word. They're just go-with-the-flow girls. Thank God!

kiki1978 · May 2012

Sounds like she's overstepping her bounds. I agree with PP's that how people spend their money is their own business, but when she asks your wedding budget she's opening the door for financial discussions. What your budget is none of her business! It's bad enough she's telling you to change the date, color, etc. Asking your budget is downright rude. I think I would tell her if you don't want to buy the dress, then I'll be happy to see you at my wedding as a guest. That's all a BM/MOH has to do: get the dress and show up. If she doesn't want to get the dress then basically she's saying that she doesn't want to be in the wedding.

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