Outsiders' Perspectives

calindi · October 2011

So FI and I are trying to nail down holiday plans, and I feel like maybe I'm being needy and unfair, and I wanted to get some outside perspective.

FI is a student, so he gets off from Dec 12th until Jan 9th. He wants to see his family for a bit, but I only get Fri before Christmas and Monday after off, and I don't have any extra vacation days as I'm using them all to go on this family trip to Costa Rica next week (with my family). So I can't justify $500 flights for 3 days with his family over Christmas. I can't justify it to go spent the same amount of time with my family either, who are going to be in Colorado at my brother's place. So I'm stuck in Miami for Christmas.

Due to similar reasons, we're spending Thanksgiving at home just the two of us. We're very happy about it, but it does mean another family holiday we won't be with either of our families.

Now, FI wants to go up and visit his family over the holidays. I can't go. That's fine, I totally understand. However, he wants to go for 7-10 days, and my birthday is December 15th. Which means he's either going to be gone for my birthday, Christmas, or New Years. I suggested he go from Dec 16th-23rd, but flights on Dec 22nd and 23rd are way more expensive so he could only afford until the 21st. Which means only 5 days, 2 of which will be spent traveling. I also suggested Dec 26th until sometime in January since New Years isn't a big deal to me, but those flights are all too expensive, too.

He always calls me up when he visits his family and complains about them, and always threatens to come home early since they're driving him nuts. Am I wrong to suggest he spend just those 5 days so he can be with me on the big days, or should I encourage him to skip my birthday or Christmas to be with his family? That would mean I'd be home alone for whichever one he's gone.

KendallR10 · October 2011

I feel like he should spend your birthday with you. Its your birthday. Does he NEED to spend more than 5 days with them?

calindi · October 2011

I should also mention we live 2000 miles away from our families. And we are just spending 1 week vacation with my family. I don't think we'll be able to go up to see his family again (together, at least) until the month before the wedding. We usually only get up north about once or twice a year, and most often it's to visit my parents since they pay for the flights and it's a direct flight, so only 3 hours, whereas FI's family lives in Syracuse which takes 7+ hours to get there, so wastes 2 days in transit.

amh04 · October 2011

I would tell him to just go those days that you all agreed on - the 5 days. FI has put me in a similar situation - I do not get vacation days at all. But regardless. It's important to you to have him there for your birthday, and there is no way he should leave you alone for christmas. I think that is a great comprimise that you came up with. Makes perfect sense to me. Plus like you said - you will see them again before the wedding as well. So it's not like he only gets 5 days a year.

melbelle24 · October 2011

That's a really hard situation. I think if you would be ok with him missing one of those big days, let him go. How would you feel if your places were reversed?

firsttimersluck · October 2011

you're not in the wrong for suggesting. It's definitely something I think you need to sit down at the table with him and a calendar and talk it over. The pros and cons. I'm not a big birthday person.. So I'm a litlte cold hearted when it comes to that.

How often does he get to see his family? H's family does a really big Christma deal every year which is why we have spent the past 2 Christmas's with them and will be spending this one with them as well. It's give and take. I didn't grow up with having much of a family to spend holidays with so I understand him wanting that time with his family, whether I can go or not.

I think that, as mentioned before, you two need to sit down with a calendar and the tv off so that all the focus is on this... and talk it out. TO be fair, it's your choice that you're going to Costa Rica and use all your vacation time with that. While I understand that it's going to beAWESOME and family time, it's YOUR family time, and he can't be penalized for that during the holidays.
Tell him your concerns about him missing your birthday AND Christmas, suggest those days only, but if he says this is what he wants, I think you're gonna have to suck it up and accept it.

Sorry to be blunt.

I spent the past two Thanksgivings alone and working on the holiday (yay tv turkey dinner :P ) as well as my past birthday. I'm a little harsh when it comes to holidays.. I love them, but have spent many alone so have learned to suck it up and make it not a big deal. I definitely get why him missing your bday AND Christmas would super suck though.
I guess a better question for more info is, what did you guys do last holiday season ? That may change my answer.. lol.

prettyirishgirl · October 2011

I'd say the 5 days is good - in my experience a bout 5 days or a work week with my family is all i can take when I haven't been living with them. On the other hand we could stay with Fi's dad for ever and never have a fight and like to stay there for 10 days or not bother because of the hustle to get out there, so thats between yall. I feel regardless you have a right to want him to be around for holidays, but if they live that far away I'd hate to begrudge the trip. Fi has been gone a lot for tons of holidays. We haven't ever done a holiday with my together family in almost 4 years and we have only been able to do one holiday with his and that was a few years back now. We have also rarely been together for either of our birthdays or anniversaries so we are accustom to that. But that being said if there was a chance of us being together for a birthday I would want Fi to stay for it if he had the choice b/c it is so rare. If i had to choose I'd pick christmas over new years or my bday. That is just me. Maybe him going for the very begining of break and getting back on your birthday? thats the same number of days or close. I know sometimes I flew out on the last day of class before our day off and got extra time that way. And my bday is always around my schools finals so there was a time i flew out on my bday got into setac at like 1130 pm on my bday and we went for cocktails and got a hotel in seattle so we didn't have to drive a hella way home. It wasnt a crazy cool day, but we did get to spend atleast part of my birthday together. Maybe there is some kind of compromise along those lines you can come to. The other thing we did is we have "Our Christmas" on twelfth night (Jan 6th) We keep everything up till then anyway and we would open presents and pretend that was christmas when we couldn't have "real christmas" together. I mean technically it is the twelfth day of christmas so it is still christmas leave it to my mardi gras catholic ness to justify our holidays apart.

calindi · October 2011

It's not so much that going to Costa Rica penalizes time with his family - as it is, I'm taking 2 days unpaid to go. I wouldn't have the time anyway. But my parents pay for us to go, both on vacation and to visit them, and they are willing and able to fly down to visit us a few times a year, so it makes it a lot easier so we can see them much more often. His family can afford to but doesn't choose to visit us. It's also much harder & more expensive for us to get up to visit his family. It's not fair, but the two of us try really hard to split time as equally as possible.

Last year (and the year before), my parents paid for both of us to fly up and then for a rental car for us to visit FI's family in upstate NY (4 hour drive away). They know how important it is to share time with FI's family, so they help us out. Since FI's a student and I've been unemployed nearly as much as I've been employed the last few years for various reasons, we couldn't afford to go up otherwise. We spent equal amounts of days with both families - Christmas Eve is a bigger deal with my family, and Christmas Day is a bigger deal for his family, so we spend the evening with my family, get up super early (my family has gotten up at 7am the last two years to open gifts with us) and then we hit the road and are at FI's family's house by lunch time. Everyone's happy with that arrangement.

FI flies up once in awhile by himself to visit his family during other breaks. I encourage this! He went up during his spring break this past year for a week and nearly went nuts. He also went this summer for a long weekend and was complaining the whole time via text. Every time he tries to maximize time, and every time he hates being there so long. But it's still his family, so he keeps trying to foster a relationship that isn't quite there.

He doesn't want to miss my birthday or Christmas because he wants to be with me and because he knows I'll be lonely. I'd have to insist that he go, and he still might not go. But I feel like I am a bit selfish for not wanting to insist since I do really want him here.

firsttimersluck · October 2011

ah.
Well that makes things reeeeeally complicated and through my thoughts out the window. lol.

calindi · October 2011

Irish - it's the same thing. We both enjoy spending time with my family and it's very easy and comfortable. With his family, there's lots of drama and antics that drive us both nuts. I can stomach it for him, but he gets annoyed with his own family. Plus there's really no where for us to stay - his Mom has a ton of animals and our allergies are just ridiculous there, plus the only place to sleep is on a futon in the common room so there's no privacy at all and we get kept up late with his teenage sister on the computer next to the futon and then woken up early by his Mom who gets up at 5am. And his Dad lives in a little studio and encourages us to take his bed and he sleeps on the couch, which is awkward. And the bathroom doesn't have locks. So it's tough for us both to go up, while FI doesn't mind crashing with his Dad alone.

melbelle24 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:88ad1d6b-ed3d-4c86-aaef-1e04a0600d73">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not so much that going to Costa Rica penalizes time with his family - as it is, I'm taking 2 days unpaid to go. I wouldn't have the time anyway. But my parents pay for us to go, both on vacation and to visit them, and they are willing and able to fly down to visit us a few times a year, so it makes it a lot easier so we can see them much more often. His family can afford to but doesn't choose to visit us. It's also much harder & more expensive for us to get up to visit his family. It's not fair, but the two of us try really hard to split time as equally as possible. Last year (and the year before), my parents paid for both of us to fly up and then for a rental car for us to visit FI's family in upstate NY (4 hour drive away). They know how important it is to share time with FI's family, so they help us out. Since FI's a student and I've been unemployed nearly as much as I've been employed the last few years for various reasons, we couldn't afford to go up otherwise. We spent equal amounts of days with both families - Christmas Eve is a bigger deal with my family, and Christmas Day is a bigger deal for his family, so we spend the evening with my family, get up super early (my family has gotten up at 7am the last two years to open gifts with us) and then we hit the road and are at FI's family's house by lunch time. Everyone's happy with that arrangement. FI flies up once in awhile by himself to visit his family during other breaks. I encourage this! He went up during his spring break this past year for a week and nearly went nuts. He also went this summer for a long weekend and was complaining the whole time via text. Every time he tries to maximize time, and every time he hates being there so long. But it's still his family, so he keeps trying to foster a relationship that isn't quite there. <strong>He doesn't want to miss my birthday or Christmas because he wants to be with me and because he knows I'll be lonely. I'd have to insist that he go, and he still might not go. But I feel like I am a bit selfish for not wanting to insist since I do really want him here.</strong>
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

With all this said, I would sit down and talk about it like FTL suggested. I would tell him you understand that he wants to spend time with his family, and you would be ok if he missed your birthday or Christmas day (if you actually would be ok with it). Make it more of a "I wouldn't mind" than actually pushing him to do something you don't want and that you think he would end up being unhappy with. Good luck!

Rethany · October 2011

Personally, I would rather have FI home for Christmas than my birthday. That is mainly because I don't really celebrate my birthday, so it isn't much different than any other day.

Have you reminded him that his family drove him crazy last time he was there? Or would he get defensive if you did?

LuluP82 · October 2011

I'm not a huge birthday person, but I think it would be depressing to spend Christmas alone, so I'd tell him to go before your birthday and come back before Christmas, so he has more days with the family.You can always celebrate your birthday when he returns.

I do think he should get to spend the time with his family, though, since you all are going on the vacation with your familiy for your vacation time. I say suggest the 5 days,and if he wants more time, then suggest that he leave earlier than the 16th.

We are spending Thanksgiving and Christmas by ourselves this year, too, because I don't want to travel. We also spent them alone last year, and the year before. For us, we wanted our own family traditions.

calindi · October 2011

Yeah, I think missing the birthday would be less of a big deal. I'd try to celebrate the previous weekend, except he'll still be studying for finals and writing papers. I had big dreams of hosting a dinner party at home and doing one of those murder mystery parties. We've been planning this for about a year, so it would be really disappointing to give up those plans. I'm a huge birthday hoar.

Thanks ladies, appreciate the perspective. I think we'll sit down tonight - usually by the time I get home, he doesn't want to talk about serious stuff so most of these conversations happen over GChat during the day.

FYI, dunno if this makes much difference, but I help pay for these flights for him to go up since he's living off student loans. So it'll cost me nearly $300 for him to go up, whether or not he misses my birthday. Happy birthday me.

LuluP82 · October 2011

Yeah my H gets annoyed with his family too. We used to see them a lot more when we lived in the northeast, since they lived only about 2 hours away, and my family has always lived farther. It's hard for me to want to go visit when it gets awkward for me since he gets annoyed with them.

It's also more comfortable at either of my parents' houses, because they're bigger ,we get our own room and bathroom, etc, so I get what you're saying.

Just let him decide. I wouldn't insist he go, either. He's a big boy and can make his own decision.

divinemsbee · October 2011

We'll probably be spending our holidays here, assuming (please God) that I get one of the jobs I'm going in for next week. Everyone here is doing a little holiday hiring, so if I get that job, I know it'll entail Black Friday, set-ups at night, and all the other days that other people want off. However, if I wasn't (hopefully) going to be working, we'd probably spend most of it with my family. It's like everyone else said, we try to give his family equal time, but there's really nowhere for us or the pets (if they come, it's like everyone wants us to bring the cute puppy, but it's a lot of work to have a puppy houseguest) to stay. If he stays at his house I have to stay with friends in the area. If we visit either side of my family, we have a room or a couch. Or generally separate rooms, which is still fine, and we have a place to put the puppy's crate.

I encourage him to talk to and meet up with his fam, but they aren't very good at communication. Plus, because he makes more than them, he feels a need to buy really extravagant presents and pay for everything, which we just can't afford to do right now. And they don't really reciprocate (not expecting monetarily, but emotionally). He doesn't really have the amount of money saved up that he'd like because he keeps doing that. With my family, we don't really do a lot of presents and they pay for meals and such a lot of the time.

My grandmother went to the Half of Half (it's a discount clothing store, and if you have one and have some time, you can get some great stuff there) last time we were in town and bought him some shirts because she was buying my brother some and he was totally shocked that she'd do that, his family is pretty every-man-for-himself, unless it comes to him helping them out, then everyone's hand is out.

I realize that this all sounds really bad coming from me, who is living pretty much off him at this point, but I do all the housework, all the budgeting, all the food, and am his pretty much only emotional support. I'm extremely grateful that he's able to help me out, which, right now, I see as helping us out. And while he was in college and wasn't working, I paid for everything and all the gas and car repairs, so, while it's not tit-for-tat, I think it's just cyclical.

LetsHikeToday · October 2011

What does he want to do?

calindi · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:aadb27df-0e48-46b1-b3f9-b00e5e719884">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]What does he want to do?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

He doesn't want to have to choose. He chooses me, though. We talked and he wouldn't hear of missing my birthday, and told me that he is looking forward to creating our own Christmas memories. So 5 days will have to do - in an ideal world, he'd have more time, but he is fine with the way things are, it seems. I'll just have to make it a point to see his family soon. We're talking about spending a week camping with them next summer after FI takes the bar, which would be a great way to spend time as we have our own tent!

LetsHikeToday · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:4dd7bfa9-fe81-4ead-8b87-3f58838b37ea">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Outsiders' Perspectives : He doesn't want to have to choose. He chooses me, though. We talked and he wouldn't hear of missing my birthday, and told me that he is looking forward to creating our own Christmas memories. So 5 days will have to do - in an ideal world, he'd have more time, but he is fine with the way things are, it seems. I'll just have to make it a point to see his family soon. We're talking about spending a week camping with them next summer after FI takes the bar, which would be a great way to spend time as we have our own tent!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Don't feel guilty for not seeing his family. (not trying to assume that you do). But remember you are two people and can't be pulled into too many directions.

calindi · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:1542f0a1-2dda-402e-9813-198a0ad54a2a">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Outsiders' Perspectives : Don't feel guilty for not seeing his family. (not trying to assume that you do). But remember you are two people and can't be pulled into too many directions.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

Thanks for that. I definitely feel guilty, but I think we've got it sorted out. We both like this idea of planning to go camping because it doesn't require awkward housing arrangements and it is convenient (FI takes bar July 23-24, we move out 27th, drive up north for 3 days, then go camping for a week, then drive to my parents for a few days, get the marriage license, and he has to report for duty wherever he's going by Aug 13th. It's two unpaid, rent-free weeks we have to spend somewhere so it is a great time to see family)

ggirl2001 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:65f2064e-2de8-44fc-970d-a234584bd914">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Outsiders' Perspectives : Thanks for that. I definitely feel guilty, but I think we've got it sorted out. We both like this idea of planning to go camping because it doesn't require awkward housing arrangements and it is convenient (FI takes bar July 23-24, we move out 27th, drive up north for 3 days, then go camping for a week, then drive to my parents for a few days, get the marriage license, and he has to report for duty in<strong> Beaufort </strong>by Aug 13th. It's two unpaid, rent-free weeks we have to spend somewhere so it is a great time to see family)
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Fixed that for ya :) </div>

calindi · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_outsiders-perspectives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd699aeb-85c6-4c9e-ab31-357f1b84b761Post:0be12267-edd5-422a-a997-d41926470e97">Re: Outsiders' Perspectives</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Outsiders' Perspectives : Fixed that for ya :)
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

Haha, fingers crossed! He already submitted his request for orders (since it's temporary optional duty, he has to request it) and PI is his first choice!!! It's a dream I have right now getting me through the next 40 weeks!

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