Wedding Etiquette Forum

SIL upset "surprise" wedding

I got married about 1 month ago. My Fiance and I had been together for over a decade. For at least 10 years, when people have asked about us getting married, we have ALWAYS said that we were going to go away and elope at some point. In fact, we finally did get married and opted to have a small ceremony with just our parents.

We had announcements made and sent to our families. Once I was sure that all of the announcements had had time to get where they were going, I changed my name/status on Facebook and posted a few pictures of just my husband and I. 

Everyone seemed happy and unsurprised based on the responses, except my sister in law. She posted "I didn't even know you had set a date yet" and "well, if you had told us, we would have sent a card". I can't tell if I am reading too much into her responses, but I feel like she is passive aggressively expressing that we should have told her in advance for some reason.

She and I are semi in contact via facebook but we don't particularly talk on the phone-maybe once a year, and we see each other about once a year. I'm trying to decide if I should just let it go and not say anything, or if I should call her and smooth things over. I need poeple outside the situation to give some perspective.

Thanks

Re: SIL upset "surprise" wedding

  • I would let your H deal with her.
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  • She's probably disappointed, but I'd probably let it slide.  If she continues to make comments like this, I'd discuss it with her, but for one random facebook comment I don't think it's worth making a mountain out of it.
  • She is my brother's wife, not husband's sister. Sorry I didn't clarify.
  • Ahh, then I would let it slide. Hopefully she won't bring it up again. 
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  • Yeah, just let it slide. If she keeps making comments then have a talk with your brother about it. 
  • I'd let it go unless she keeps going. Then I would talk to your brother. Is there a chance she's speaking on behalf if your brother because she knows he is upset?
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  • It is kind of odd this is all happening not in person or even over the phone, I am assuming her comment was facebook too. Since it is your brother's wife maybe a few words with him will straighten it out. I am surprised she is the only person who commented with something like that even if you have always said you would elope
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    Let it go. 

    By choosing not to call close family to let them know either right before or after the ceremony, this reaction should have been anticipated.  It's all water under the bridge now.  If she brings it up again, via FB or another channel, pick up the phone -- call and apologize.
  • I agree to let it go.  I have a rule about Facebook comments...I let them go pretty much all the time.  The people on my Facebook that see posts other than for games all have my contact info and phone number, as if I don't know a person, I don't add them.  I figure if they are really upset they will call, or send a PM, or something.  So, any angry FB posts (not like I get that many, honestly) would be mostly ignored.
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sil-upset-surprise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e4a239ef-4f83-46c9-86fe-488897fbb61aPost:cfadd7ea-69ad-4b13-a681-69d8b1295345">Re:SIL upset quot;surprisequot; wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gotta say, I'd be pretty pissed to find out big family news like SIL got married via Facebook, which is what it sounds like happened. But then again, I'd also be pissed to find it out via the mailbox and an impersonal announcement too. Do you and your brother not speak or something? I would imagine news like "we're married" would <strong>warrant a phone call to my siblings</strong>, personally. So, I get her being hurt, if she is. I'd call her and apologize that you didnt tell them before announcing it to 450 of your closest acquaintances on the Internet. Let he know that you thought she knew because of the announcement you sent and that you are sorry she had to find out that way.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This. I can't really speak for OP, as her situation may be not great with her brother. But that's weird, and if my FI's sibling got married and didn't say anything beyond an impersonal mailed announcement, I'd be hurt too.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sil-upset-surprise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e4a239ef-4f83-46c9-86fe-488897fbb61aPost:cfadd7ea-69ad-4b13-a681-69d8b1295345">Re:SIL upset quot;surprisequot; wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gotta say, I'd be pretty pissed to find out big family news like SIL got married via Facebook, which is what it sounds like happened. But then again, I'd also be pissed to find it out via the mailbox and an impersonal announcement too. Do you and your brother not speak or something? I would imagine news like "we're married" would warrant a phone call to my siblings, personally. So, I get her being hurt, if she is. I'd call her and apologize that you didnt tell them before announcing it to 450 of your closest acquaintances on the Internet. Let he know that you thought she knew because of the announcement you sent and that you are sorry she had to find out that way.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>^This

    </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I've got siblings who won't be invited, or even told about the wedding. But then, we're not even facbook friends.

    I would just ignore it.
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  • Thanks for all of the great responses.  I did wait quite a while to make sure announcements arrived before updating facebook. I didn't want people finding out that way as it seemed impersonal. I did not realize that some people find an announcement impersonal as well. My guess is that she did not receive the announcement before the face book posting. I did mention that she should have gotten one in response to one of her comments.  I guess I will see if it continues and then call her if it seems necessary. It will be hard to know if she is angry at me since we don't call/see each other normally anyway.
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    Announcements are how you inform people like great aunts about your marriage. Not immediate family members. I'm sure she'll get over it, and the passive agressive comments on FB are stupid, but I don't blame her for being upset honestly.
    Lizzie
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sil-upset-surprise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e4a239ef-4f83-46c9-86fe-488897fbb61aPost:c97945c7-72c3-4c32-8c47-e71525224aa4">Re: SIL upset "surprise" wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all of the great responses.  I did wait quite a while to make sure announcements arrived before updating facebook. I didn't want people finding out that way as it seemed impersonal. I did not realize that some people find an announcement impersonal as well. My guess is that she did not receive the announcement before the face book posting. I did mention that she should have gotten one in response to one of her comments.  I guess I will see if it continues and then call her if it seems necessary. It will be hard to know if she is angry at me since we don't call/see each other normally anyway.
    Posted by zelenu[/QUOTE]

    <div>Announcements are fine for letting your extended family and acquaintances know you got married. They are not, in any way, a substitute for CALLING YOUR BROTHER. I'm pro-announcement in many cases, but I cannot fathom why you didn't think your brother deserved a phone call.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sil-upset-surprise-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e4a239ef-4f83-46c9-86fe-488897fbb61aPost:cfadd7ea-69ad-4b13-a681-69d8b1295345">Re:SIL upset quot;surprisequot; wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]G<strong>otta say, I'd be pretty pissed to find out big family news like SIL got married via Facebook, which is what it sounds like happened. But then again, I'd also be pissed to find it out via the mailbox and an impersonal announcement too.</strong> Do you and your brother not speak or something?<strong> I would imagine news like "we're married" would warrant a phone call to my siblings, personally.</strong> So, I get her being hurt, if she is. I'd call her and apologize that you didnt tell them before announcing it to 450 of your closest acquaintances on the Internet. Let he know that you thought she knew because of the announcement you sent and that you are sorry she had to find out that way.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree. 

    A few years ago, my SIL (brothers wife) calls me and says "your sister just posted her wedding pics on fb."  My response..."What effin wedding?!" 

    The thing was, she didn't tell anyone they went to the courthouse and got hitched.  She just did it, and then posted pics.  It hurt my feelings because we are very close and to find out through SIL/fb was a total bummer. 
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