bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry!

Re: bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry!

• romamor4

  

  February 2012 edited February 2012

  Is there any way she can stand on FI's side since she is his good friend? I was MOH in my college roommates wedding and there was a girl who stood on the grooms side and just wore a black dress to match the tuxes. I am also having my brother stand on my side and my FI is having his cousin (female) stand on his side. Is this a possibility? Maybe offer this to her. If she can't afford to pay for a train ticket, how are you to rely on her to get a dress? You and your MOH are right to feel this way. Talk it over with your FI and see how he feels about it then maybe one of you can discuss it with her to see if she can even afford a dress. Also, will she be able to afford coming out for the wedding? Where will she stay? These are all details that need attention before things get out of hand. GL!

  
  

  EDIT: I also think it's important that you not "attack" her. It's very embarrassing to admit one doesn't have any money. Consider the options you're willing to take and then discuss them with her to see where she would feel most comfortable. 

  
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• lbarr088

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_bummedkinda-bm-rantkinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:b5234a28-7631-4a75-b1de-c7639a106dabPost:1b6335a9-a65a-4161-b79c-b45f0131babb">bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry!</a>:
  [QUOTE]so I am going BM dress shopping on saturday. 2 of my girls, MOH and BM are close to me - the other who lives in DC. she is FI's very good friend from like 8th grade whom I am somewhat close to - but this girl is like a sister to him - so I know it would have meant a lot to him and her to be in the wedding. anyways - we planned the whole outing around her and her schedule, train times, etc. I was really excited that she would be able to come to spend more time with her and FI was excited too. so I called her a few times last week and she said she was all set - researched the train - and would buy it when she got paid on friday. so i called her monday to see what was up and also what time she is going back on sunday...she was going to stay with us and we were going to get her and drop her off at the train. so nothing, yesterday or today from her - so im like ok - she's busy - whatever- but then she calls FI today (for his birthday) and then says she can't make it. she can't afford the train. now, i feel bad for her and im sure shes embarrassed about it and which is why she didnt call me but i think she should have right? i also get that she is a teacher and has little income and a lot of bills - but at the risk of sounding TOTALLY SELFISH i also kinda feel like its not my problem if she doesnt have the money -<strong>MOH says that she should have known that being in the wedding is an expense and if she couldnt commit then to not do it. </strong>i dont know - a big part of me feels bad for her - but a little part of me feels like MOH feels. and she should have gotten back to me - not just mention it in a vmail to FI. btw FI is not happy with this sitch - because as he says - she does stuff like this all the time...makes and drops plans...i just dont wanna have to be on her about getting the measurements and paying for the dress so we order it on time. i think she would feel insulted. this is a tricky one. anything with money is tricky. but - we are going anyway with MOH and other BM and i think we will still have a good time - i will just have to try and get something that will look good on her too... thanks for letting me vent/rant....
  Posted by URIsweethearts[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>Yes, being in a wedding is an expense but it doesn't have to be crazy expensive.  Also it's not entirely fair to say she should know it's an expense ... I'm sure she does, but life happens and things come up that can make it difficult. </div><div>
  </div><div>For the record, I DO understand where you are coming from and I am not trying to sound cold-hearted.  Train tickets, at least the Amtrack ones that I know of, aren't particularly cheap.  It's a big deal for her to spend money to travel just to try on a dress.  Is there a shop by her that she can go to while you guys go to yours?  Also, make sure it is very clear what everyone's budgets are.  
  
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• volleygurl0306 member

  

  February 2012

  I agree with PP.  She can definitely stand on his side if that makes everyone more comfortable.  In July I am "best woman" at my brother's wedding and standing on his side, his FI's brother is standing on her side and her "man of honor."  However, as a BM her only obligation is to buy a dress and show up to the wedding.  It sucks she cancelled last minute because you could have done this at your leisure instead of around her scheudle.  That is a huge pet peeve of mine.  But, maybe she sees the costs adding up and thought not buying a train ticket is money she can save towards her dress???  That would be the benefit of the doubt to her.  What I recommend is find the dress with the girls near you.  While it is nice, you don't need everyone's input.  Second, find out the latest order date.  Give her the date she has to order it by.  If it doesn't happen because of money, because she's a flake, whatever, you can take it as her "resignation" (unless you take PP idea of letting her wear a black dress of choice and stand next to FI).  If she does, you don't have to make a big to-do about it.  When you find out she misses it, just say "we hope you'll still attend as a guest."  Beyond that you can't do anything.  I'd also be concerned with her affording to come but hopefully she is planning ahead.  Odds are though she'll intentionally miss the dress deadline if she knows she is not going to make it afterall.   Good luck!

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• URIsweethearts

  

  February 2012

  thank you all for your input. i appreciate it. as PP said, i think she will miss the deadline and in which case - FI and I will have to talk about talking to her about just coming as a guest. i wouldn't know what else to do at that point. the dress shop told me that for my 9/14 wedding - the dresses would need to be ordered by march 3rd. they cant be ordered unless they are paid for. and they should all be ordered together. so on saturday -  they can either pay for the dress in full or pay 1/2 and by 3/3 pay the other 1/2. you see my fear with this though - she will pay 1/2 and then not the rest...but with her not coming - i dont know how that works with the dress shop - she will probably need to pay total by 3/3 i guess and if she doesn't well....

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• aragx6 member

  

  February 2012

  I'm sure she can pay and order over the phone. Just tell her the final date that the dresses can be ordered by. No reason to fear her not coming through -- she either does or she doesn't.

  

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• CowgirlK39 member

  

  February 2012

  Train tix are wicked expensive. So I guess i can understand that. But... I don't blame you for being annoyed. Its a tough situ because you need to have all this tuff done, and you can't have someone with issues like that. I like what PPs said and see if she can find a store that carried the dress designer in her hometown so she can do it without having to travel. I think thats what I am going to have to do with at least one of my girls.

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• lbarr088

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_bummedkinda-bm-rantkinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:b5234a28-7631-4a75-b1de-c7639a106dabPost:6781a492-e1be-480f-80b2-d719c591c72d">Re: bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Train tix are wicked expensive. So I guess i can understand that. But... I don't blame you for being annoyed. Its a tough situ because you need to have all this tuff done, and you can't have someone with issues like that. I like what PPs said and see if she can find a store that carried the dress designer in her hometown so she can do it without having to travel.<strong> I think thats what I am going to have to do with at least one of my girls.</strong>
  Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>4 out of 6 of my BMs are OOT as in 1000s of miles away.  </div><div>
  </div><div>Davids Bridal was not my first choice for dresses but then reality hit for me.  They have the best prices and they are absolutely everywhere.  I let 2 girls that were close to me pick them.  Another BM came to visit and tried on the dress and hated it so I added another.  It's just one of those things.. when there are OOT BMs you HAVE to be flexible.  Plus don't get too hung up on the BM dresses, when you think about it, everyone will be looking at you anyway :)</div>

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• jessa1228 member

  

  February 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_bummedkinda-bm-rantkinda-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:b5234a28-7631-4a75-b1de-c7639a106dabPost:d9d6e3e2-db7c-428b-8739-25a3d1b4e71d">Re: bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry!</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bummed...kinda BM rant...kinda long- sorry! : 4 out of 6 of my BMs are OOT as in 1000s of miles away.   Davids Bridal was not my first choice for dresses but then reality hit for me.  They have the best prices and they are absolutely everywhere.  I let 2 girls that were close to me pick them.  Another BM came to visit and tried on the dress and hated it so I added another. <strong> It's just one of those things.. when there are OOT BMs you HAVE to be flexible.  Plus don't get too hung up on the BM dresses, when you think about it, everyone will be looking at you anyway :)</strong>
  Posted by lbarr088[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>This x1000.</div><div>
  </div><div>I'll agree that it was weird of her to not respond to you, then mention it in a birthday call to your FI. What if it wasn't your FI's birthday, would you have even heard from her at all?</div><div>
  </div><div>That being said, cut her a little slack. Money situations are never easy, and like you even said, she's probably a little embarrassed that she can't afford a train ticket. If you REALLY want her there, offer to pay for the train ticket. Otherwise do what PPs suggested - pick a dress with your other girls, then give this girl all the info she needs to order. If she flakes out and doesn't order the dress...well, hopefully she'll still attend as a guest.</div>

  

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