My friends, it's my turn to ask for a prayer request. I have been struggling all day today about my job and my heart is so heavy.
I've worked for nearly ten years with chronic sexual offenders. Not surprisingly, this is very intense work with few extrinsic rewards. I've felt this work was my calling and my mission...my way to give to those whom very few people want anything to do with, the lepers of our society today. If you've ever worked with personality disorders, you know exactly how much it's like beating your head against the wall and occasionally finding a soft spot.
But they keep hurting each other, and today I feel like I reached my limit with it, on top of the legal issues that are a constant, the lack of appreciation, the criticism of the public and the frequent lack of hope and encouragement. For every one that is doing well - and there are many who are very, very sorry for what they did and are desperate to stop doing it - there are four or five who could care less and just keep hurting others. I'm getting to the point where I'm struggling to find compassion for the ones who who aren't at all committed to change. In addition, I just keep feeling more and more pulled to do something, somewhere, where I can incorporate my spirituality and don't have to hide it because I work for the State.
So today, after the latest episode, I just decided I'm going to look into my options. I contacted a couple of my former bosses - one is the director at the clinic where I went to grad school, and they have positions for psychologists to conduct assessments.
Another is the director at the anxiety disorders clinic where I did my postdoc - and they have a program that is right up my alley: they have a psychology and spirituality program, and one of their client groups is clergy who have struggled with sexual abuse. I would dearly, dearly love to work somewhere where I can be more open about my faith, and work with some people who truly want to change.
It's not perfect by far...it's in the city, a good hour plus away, and I HATE commuting. I have no idea what the money would be like, and one reason why I didn't want to work in the private sector is because I didn't want to deal with managed care. i've been a psychologist for a long time, but because I've worked for the state I haven't had to worry about being on insurance panels, so that would take some catching up.
I don't know what to do. I have dear, dear friends where I work now, but I sometimes dread getting up and going to work each morning. I don't want to abandon my clients - and as a clinical director, they're ALL my clients - but I honestly don't know how much good I'm doing them anymore.
I'm going to keep exploring my options and pray to see what God's will is for me. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated -
Thank you -
Linda