sad face Just need to talk to those who understand

Rawr08 · May 2010

Oh ladies, I didn't think it would happen, but it did...

I called my Grandma today to get a final head count. She wasn't home, so I spoke with my Grandfather for a bit. I mentioned why I was calling and his response? "You are still getting married?" To which I laughed off and said yes. He then proceeds to tell me the first time is supposed to last forever, that you only get one shot. Him and my Grandma made it the first time, same with my parents... After that? Well according to him, there is no after that. Now this is the first time I have had ANYONE say anything negative about my second marriage, and boy does it hurt, especially from a Grandparent. I know some are old fashioned and what not, but mind you, his youngest daughter divorced and re-married. I am not the first, and *gasp* may not be the last.

I am just wondering if any others have had such comments from anyone, especially family members. How do you deal with something like that. I have been met with only good thoughts and words since we announced our marriage. Nobody liked my ex, so everyone was happy when we divorced. (I even had a divorce party)
My heart is breaking a little bit.

melissamc2 · May 2010

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know that some people have very set belefs on marriage, but I don't agree with those personal beliefs ever becoming a catalyst for making someone feel bad.

The unfortunate bottom line is that they'll probably never "agree" with what you are doing, but with any luck they can be supportive of YOU and realize that their love for you is much more important than whether a first marriage worked out and lasted "forever." I'd also think they would find YOUR happiness to be more important than an anniversary count.

My best advice is to shake it off, remember why you're doing this, seek the support of everyone else in your life who IS happy about this, and enjoy your wedding and your new marriage.

Congratulations and good luck.

deepcovejackie · May 2010

I'm so sorry to hear that. It must really hurt to not have the support of close loved ones. I guess you move on and gather postive support around you as much as you can. Your grandparents are going have the biggest loss, missing this day that is so important to you.

handfast4me · May 2010

I am sorry that they're acting like a$$es. Because truly they are. I agree with the previous responses, but I might take it a bit further. Do you really want these people in your life after you get married to the man of your dreams? There are some people in our lives that are toxic, and these might be some of those. If you decide to have children (or if you have any children already) do you want these hateful, judgemental a$$hats in their lives? If so, what can these people possibly teach your children that is meaningful and something that you want them to learn?
Just some food for thought. Again, I'm sorry they're not supportive, but you may have to think about taking it to the next level.

In the meantime, concentrate on the fact that you're marrying a great guy, and you'll be happy in that home.

Rawr08 · May 2010

Thank you ladies so much for the kind words! I will be talking to my Grandma about it... but you know how they are "oh he didn't mean anything by it..." We will see how it goes. On an exciting note, will be purchasing the invites next week, just working on the last few details of them. I can't wait

PS- You girls ROCK!!! I can not say thank you enough!

arv266 · May 2010

So sorry! Why is that our "elders" seem to think that they can just say what ever they feel, when ever they feel like it? He may be older and wiser but that really doesnt make him "right". When we told me dad, he was didnt have much of a reaction, other than "ohhhhh, that will be nice." That stung a bit, but the truth of it is, I am an adult, and he also realizes it. I wasnt asking for an opinion or a a "blessing" but just letting him know the facts. Brush it off and continue to plan your wedding to the man of your dreams!

luckyme502 · May 2010

No one has said we shouldn't get married, but my grandmother did mention that we shouldn't be having a wedding. We should just be going to the court house, since it's a second wedding. I told her, "Well, that's not what we are doing." She never mentioned it again.

Marrin713 · May 2010

Whoa grandpa!

That's a pretty narrow little world he's living in. Like the others have said, keep planning and surround yourself with supportive people.

daynalyntroy · May 2010

It seems that for some, archaic mindsets are hard to let go of whether their assertions make any sense or not, and it is *reallly* hard hearing things like that come out of our loved ones' mouths. Be proud and grateful that there was an "after that" following your first marriage, and that you found such a great love with whom to share your life this time around. I've learned from the lovely ladies on this board that people are going to make obnoxious comments and allude to your first marriage no matter what you do. It's up to you not to give them the power to take any joy away from planning your special day. We're all in your corner

lopsie01 · May 2010

Oh boy, I sort of know how you feel. We have had quite a stressful time arranging our wedding. It's second time around for both of us and both families are very happy about our impending nuptials. Now the last month has just been a terrible month. We have four months to go and all the following has taken place :

First of all, the venue which we booked was owned by a family member who proceeded to commit suicide 2 weeks ago. We weren't sure whether the family were going to continue with the venue or not. MAJOR PANIC SET In as we already paid a deposit. Then, my fiance's niece who was supposed to be my bridesmaid, announced that she has booked to go on a course overseas and has to be in London on the day of our wedding. She only has this chance to do the course. As a result, we asked her beloved mom to be Maid of Honour who was delighted at the thought ! She has now ended up in hospital FIGHTING for her life after an operation. We are praying very hard that she will recover.

On top of all this, my brother then suggested we just run away and get married somewhere to save costs. That was it - I cracked ! The dress has been bought, everything has been booked and we just cannot afford to throw all the deposits away ! I have now decided to just not talk WEDDING to anyone for awhile until all of this blows over and our beloved sister and sister in law recovers quickly.

This is supposed to be a happy time. Don't worry about what the Grandparents say or think, they are set in their ways and belief systems, just do what you want to do ! Good Luck !

KRN726 · May 2010

Unfortunately I totally understand your situation. This is ,y 3rd wedding and FI's 2nd. Many family members have repeatedly expressed shock and disgust that we are "wasting" money on a wedding. My mom, in particular, said that if I insist on a wedding that at least I shoul have the common decency to wear ivory or beige and that it should be a nice pant suit or something similar. We are paying for the entire thing ourselves, so we are doing what we want to do, but it is painful not to have support from family.

thealphabride · May 2010

I'm so sorry, that had to hurt. Surround yourself with the people who love you and support you and focus on the man and your new family. This too shall pass.

Lopsi... I'm also very sorry about your wedding woe. It certainly puts things in their proper perspective.

Rawr08 · May 2010

OOO Lopsi, so sorry!!! Keep your chin up. Sending good thoughts your way!

robinmichael · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_sad-face-just-need-talk-those-understand?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:0603a0a0-a538-403e-b62b-58bc1b467a41Post:aabaefb5-f84b-4d61-998c-96f10094bc0f">Re: *sad face* Just need to talk to those who understand</a>:
[QUOTE]"Thank you so much for sharing that, Grandpa. The support and love of my family and friends means everything to me as I begin this new stage of my life."
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
perfect, I am also the queen of passive aggresive as I have an overbearing MIL. I couldn't have said it better

adrianzbride · May 2010

I'm so sorry. I know that hurt. My mom seems to think we shouldn't be spending much money on this (which we're not, but she doesn't realize how much even the cheapest wedding costs) since it's my second wedding. For her second wedding she went to the courthouse and that was it... Luckily though she is being supportive in that if she has a negative opinion, she's not sharing it. I can just tell she doesn't seem completely gung ho about my plans. I'm a little sad about it, but oh well. What can I do.

tif52 · May 2010

I'm with you! I just got engaged on Mother's day and my parents don't know yet. I'm very afraid that my mother and her family will be uber judgemental about having an actual wedding. It is my second and his third (live and learn right?). We should have done this right after high school (we graduated together in 1996) but it took us a while to find our way to each other. We both feel like it isn't a matter of "how many" we've had...but that this is our first and last...and we want to do it right. However, I don't know that the elder generation will understand and I'm nervous about it.

Congrats on your big day...I see it is getting close!

lestauder · June 2010

I'm so sorry this happened to you! Our families are supposed to be the people who support us when we need them most, not make us feel worse. Everyone disliked my ex too, and yet for some reason gave me an incredibly hard time when we divorced, just because I was divorced now. It was heartbreaking. I almost stopped speaking to my mom's family completely because of it. Now I am engaged to the most wonderful man and everyone couldn't be more supportive. My advice is to disregard what he said. He comes from a different generation, and probably didn't mean to hurt you. But whatever his intention, don't worry about it. Move on with your happy life with your soon to be husband, and let everything else fall into place. Maybe he'll come around once he sees how perfect you too are for each other.

sad face Just need to talk to those who understand

Re: sad face Just need to talk to those who understand

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