Weird Situation, Is it possible for me to have a normal wedding??

geedub · December 2011

I live with my fiance in Sweden, where he is from. My family (in the US) is huge (around 150 guests just with cousins aunts uncles) and his family is rather small, like 20 people. I want the wedding in my home town in the US. It would be very expensive for his family to fly there, and it's not even near anything nice for tourists... (We barely have any money for our wedding so paying for guests' flights is not an option). Anyway I feel like if we do have the wedding in my town then maybe max. 5 people would be there for him. In the best case scenario we would each be able to have 2 attendants (then he would have 3 guests haha).

I don't really want to have a 1-sided wedding like this, though I am very close with my family and of course want them there. I don't know if I want it to be ONLY us 2, and I want it in a church because I am Catholic. But I honestly don't mind that much because if I was having a "normal" wedding then I would be conflicted about bridesmaids since my only sister died and I really don't feel like trying to pick someone as a "stand-in" ... Basically maybe the idea of a traditional marriage was long gone for me anyway.

Does anyone have any ideas on what to do? Can we somehow have a nice ceremony with still having some family there? Or should we elope? Our families don't have a lot of money so a full-out destination wedding also seems to not be an option.

littleluckypenny · December 2011

A good friend of mine had the exact same situation. As in, her husband is from Sweden and she's from the US. People may surprise you. His family and friends flew to America for the wedding.

morenachica110 · December 2011

Sue-n-Kevin is spot on, I think. I would plan a wedding that you can afford in the US since the majority of the family would be there and if only 3 of his family/friends can make it then plan a celebratory party in Sweden afterwards (not a "re-do" wedding for them, though). Talk with your FI and see what you both want to do. His family may surprise you and all fly in to the US.

mbatzlaff · December 2011

You could also consider getting married in Sweden, especially since that's where you're living.

Sue-n-Kevin · December 2011

This is a hard decision, but I'm sure you will figure it out. And I would not use the word "Normal" to describe anything, because pretty much every wedding is made up of small facts/issues/guest lists that make it unique; there is no "normal".

If it were me, I'd plan the wedding I could afford in the US. In spite of the fact you have a large family, you can pare down your guest list to a certain circle of family: perhaps invite aunts, uncles and no cousins? Or include the cousins but no kids under a certain age? This of course is based on what you feel or can afford.

If you want to have a large wedding, and only a few people from his family can attend, something people do even when both families live here, but everyone can't attend, is have a family celebration in the other town, after the wedding. You can take videos of your US wedding home to Sweden, and throw a party there.

Which side has how many guests is really not a good way to decide. My fiance has a large family, with 3 brothers, many nieces and nephews, I have no siblings. I also understand your concerns about your sister, because my only sibling died many years ago. While it was hard for my parents and myself to not have him there, he was not forgotten and we did a memorial candle. You can have a lovely wedding ceremony and reception with no "stand ins" or attendants. Just the two of you and any family you choose to invite.

My entire California family couldn't make it due to costs. That was 13 people, a large percentage of my total guest list. However, we honeymooned in California and my cousin had a lovely "mini-reception" in his back yard and all the family was there.

Talk it over with your fiance. I'm sure you both can figure it out.

Grits8812 · December 2011

honestly if i were in that situation, i would just go get married, the two of you and your witnesses, and then have a get together with his family, then go back to america and have a get together for your family.

to me that seems easiest

Elinetrouwt · December 2011

What are Swedish marriage laws like? What would it take to get a US marriage recognized there? For exampe, in Belgium (where I live) a marriage is only legal if it is done in city hall. This means most people have two ceremonies: a legal one, and a spiritual one, in church or otherwise.

I am from the Netherlands, where my very small family still lives. My FI has a big family, and our circle of friends lives here in Belgium too. Of course, it's not the same, since the travelling is so much easier, but what we're doing is this: we're having the civil ceremony in the Netherlands in private, with just parents, siblings and one attendant each. The next day, we'll have the spiritual ceremony and reception in Belgium, with everyone there. To people from the US, this sounds like a major E breach, but for us, it's mandatory.

romamor4 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_weird-situation-possible-normal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:8684132f-907b-4d29-bf26-a0d6033208ccPost:6f733cc8-6e4d-45dd-a855-8832be490ed0">Re: Weird Situation, Is it possible for me to have a normal wedding??</a>:
[QUOTE]What are Swedish marriage laws like? What would it take to get a US marriage recognized there? For exampe, in Belgium (where I live) a marriage is only legal if it is done in city hall. This means most people have two ceremonies: a legal one, and a spiritual one, in church or otherwise. I am from the Netherlands, where my very small family still lives. My FI has a big family, and our circle of friends lives here in Belgium too. Of course, it's not the same, since the travelling is so much easier, but what we're doing is this: we're having the civil ceremony in the Netherlands in private, with just parents, siblings and one attendant each. The next day, we'll have the spiritual ceremony and reception in Belgium, with everyone there. To people from the US, this sounds like a major E breach, but for us, it's mandatory.
Posted by Elinetrouwt[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this is a fabulous way to do it. That way everyone is involved! </div><div>
</div><div>If you can have a civil ceremony and a party for his family here, then have a spiritual ceremony in America, I think that would be your best option. </div><div>
</div><div>I had a similiar situation with my first marriage. I was living in Italy where my FI is from. He has a ton of family, but I do not. We had our ceremony in Italy with a reception and his family there. I had about ten people from my side who came to Italy for it. We then had a reception in America where I wore my dress again and it was a full out reception. If you are short on cash, then the civil ceremony in Sweden and then a full out wedding in America would be a good option, in my opinion.

</div>

zitiqueen · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_weird-situation-possible-normal-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:8684132f-907b-4d29-bf26-a0d6033208ccPost:fd80d293-dd59-46e3-a692-dbe318f7636c">Re: Weird Situation, Is it possible for me to have a normal wedding??</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you have a wedding in the US, close to your hometown, but someplace a little bit more "destination" worthy? A place the Swedes would be excited to visit? A cool city? A beautiful national park?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I vote for Las Vegas.

RyansBelovedBride · December 2011

The two ceremonies is exactly what we're hoping to do. We're getting married in my church in America, but not legally, and then having the legal wedding in India. Well, best case scenerio, we're not yet sure if we can afford both. But when I've said, everyone in America is insisting if we can't afford to do it in that order, then we come for a visit in a year or two and have a vow renewal, but we'd rather include everyone in the beginning.

This is not abnormal in international relationships. Having two ceremonies in this sense isn't be an AW, it's saying that you care enough about your guests not to ask them to spend that much money on airfare, and that having them being involved in this step in your life is more important than saving money, since two weddings isn't exactly cheap. I'm not saying it's for everyone or that it's appropriate in all situations, but in this case you're saying both sides of the family are equally important to you, and you don't want to overly burden them with international airfare.

geedub · December 2011

Thanks everybody, you are so helpful with your different suggestions! It's nice to hear from others out there in similar situations. We've still got time to think about what to do. I like the idea of picking a cool place in the states somewhat accessible to both families. Whatever we end up doing, we will make sure to have a celebration with both, either 2 separate ones or getting them together. I would prefer everyone to be together. So we'll do our best!

Thanks again!!!

Johan&Kimmie · December 2011

I agree with some of the PPs. My fiance is from South Africa and my family are all here in the States. Our plan is to have our ceremony here in the States and then a reception in South Africa for his family. So perhaps you could do something along those lines for your situation. Good luck whatever you decide!

mrsbjorn1 · December 2011

I also have family overseas -- my fiance and I are here in the U.S. and will be doing our ceremony here, but all of the relatives on my mother's side are in Iceland. We know not everyone will be able to afford the trip, but we set our wedding date 15 months from our engagement and told family about it right away, hoping that if people knew about it early enough, they would have time to put some money here and there if they wanted to save up and make the trip. Good luck with your plans!

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