Wedding Etiquette Forum

Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG

We got married last week, and it was a great wedding, it really was....
But we were both very adamant on not having kids at the ceremony or reception.  We addressed the invites correctly, had both sides of the family (or so we thought) tactfully and carefully spread the word during conversations.;...
My husband and I knew that my MIL was not 100% on board, but we were getting married in the French Quarter, St Pattys weekend, and not only did we not want kids there, but why would you want your kid there?
At the RD, my now husbands cousin mentioned that her hubby and kids were driving in the next day for the wedding.  I asked very sweetly what her plans were for them for the wedding and reception.  I also told her that I had alternative child care paid for, and that it was a local teacher who teaches with one of my BMs.  She said she would figure it out- I couldn't push it anymore with her and stay tactful.  I did not know what to do.
I called my MIL the next morning, and explained to her what was happening.  She told me that I knew her stance on it, to drop the Bridezilla act and get over it.  I did not have his cousins number, nor did he, and...she brought her kids- all 3 of them under 8.  A few other rouge children cousins who were also not invited showed- only on their side though....
His parents boarded a cruise out of New Orleans the next morning and return tonight.  I am so mad at his mother and at his cousin.  My family and friends left their children at home, found/made arrangements and some, I hate to say, could not come because they could not work out arrangements.  I am furious, and my husband is begging me to move on and just remember it for the lovely day it was.  But we have fam and friends gently asking us why they could not bring theirs if others were there....
I know he will not address it with her, and I know its spilt milk, but  I am so mad.  I received an email from his cousin today asking for copies of pictures from our photog because her camera batteries died.
AAAHHH!!!!!!!

Re: Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-coaching-here-ladieslong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21d515a2-a163-4e2c-968b-461716db0313Post:fa1d22f5-8986-452d-b9c2-2c2b695110c7">Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]We got married last week, and it was a great wedding, it really was.... But we were both very adamant on not having kids at the ceremony or reception.  We addressed the invites correctly, had both sides of the family (or so we thought) tactfully and carefully spread the word during conversations.;... My husband and I knew that my MIL was not 100% on board, but we were getting married in the French Quarter, St Pattys weekend, and not only did we not want kids there, but why would you want your kid there? At the RD, my now husbands cousin mentioned that her hubby and kids were driving in the next day for the wedding.  I asked very sweetly what her plans were for them for the wedding and reception.  I also told her that I had alternative child care paid for, and that it was a local teacher who teaches with one of my BMs.  She said she would figure it out- I couldn't push it anymore with her and stay tactful.  I did not know what to do. I called my MIL the next morning, and explained to her what was happening.  She told me that I knew her stance on it, to drop the Bridezilla act and get over it.  I did not have his cousins number, nor did he, and...she brought her kids- all 3 of them under 8.  A few other rouge children cousins who were also not invited showed- only on their side though.... His parents boarded a cruise out of New Orleans the next morning and return tonight.  I am so mad at his mother and at his cousin.  My family and friends left their children at home, found/made arrangements and some, I hate to say, could not come because they could not work out arrangements.  I am furious, and my husband is begging me to move on and just remember it for the lovely day it was.  But we have fam and friends gently asking us why they could not bring theirs if others were there.... I know he will not address it with her, and I know its spilt milk, but   I am so mad.  I received an email from his cousin today asking for copies of pictures from our photog because her camera batteries died. AAAHHH!!!!!!!
    Posted by hughe046[/QUOTE]
    Let it go.
    Tell anyone that asks that you were just as surprised as they were.
    Then let it go again.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • That is unfortunate, but there's nothing that can be done about it now.  I know it's super frustrating when people are so rude but that's her fault that she couldn't completely enjoy the wedding because she had three little ones to look after. Congrats on your wedding!
    Updated 1/17/11 imageWedding Countdown Ticker
  • Um...yeah...get over it. What's done is done and you can't change it.
  • What's done is done.  They were in the wrong.  You'll come out looking like a petty brat if you bring it up.  It's a bad situation, but there's nothing you can do.


    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • Drop it. You're married, no one died, and the kids didn't steal your thunder. It's totally pointless to let it get you this upset.
  • Very rude of them....but I think you need to take the high road & let it go.  I think it would make things worse with your in laws if you brought it up.
  • Congratulations on your wedding!  And it's unfortunate that his cousin was rude and ignored your wishes, but that reflects on her, not on you.  PPs are correct, there is nothing you can do, except pick a fight with her, and chances are you're more mature than that.

    As an aside, shame on your MIL - not wanting children at your wedding does not make you a bridezilla in the least and she should not have said that to you.  Why is it that anytime a woman gets assertive about her wedding, she's labeled a 'bridezilla?'  Assertive =/= biitch.

    But like PPs said, there's nothing you can do but be the bigger person and let it go.

    And perhaps ignore her email for the time being.
  • It sucks.  It was wrong.  But, what can you do about it?  You can't very well go up to her and say "oh my god.  You brought your children when no one else was allowed to bring kids!  Who do you think you are??"  You'll just come off badly, unfortunately.

    Don't dwell on it.  Be angry, but move on.  You'll save yourself a lot of energy.
  • That's highly frustrating for you, but unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that now, aside from possibly speaking to your MIL about how upset the situation and her response made you. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-coaching-here-ladieslong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21d515a2-a163-4e2c-968b-461716db0313Post:00292dc3-9781-44c8-9d2a-23ac0d7c659b">Re: Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG : Let it go. Tell anyone that asks that you were just as surprised as they were. Then let it go again.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    This.

    Plus, don't give her the pics.  Tell her you don't have them yet.  (do you??)
    BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
    BFP(4) DD2 born 2.14.13 @ 35w5d due to pPROM

    image
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Thank y'all so much, not sure I expected so much help in under 10 minutes, but thank you for listening and offering advice.  Turned into more of a rant than I anticipated, I think I am just on the defensive since I have not seen/talked to her yet since the wedding.  Much appreciated.  I need to let it go...Lol, working on it!!
  • So what do you want the outcome to be??

    It sucks and it was rude, but what's done is done.  I can't think of anything she can do to fix the problem though.

    I think you need to move on.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Lol- no pics yet.  My photog is wonderful, and also takes her time....lots of time.  Like 2-3 months.  Pretty sure I won't be shelling out any big bucks to buy those pics, but she will be more than welcome to buy the pictures of her 5 year old daughter on stage with the 80's 90's cover band WITH MARACAS THAT THEY BROUGHT THEMSELVES.  Nothing says guest like coming with your own musical instruments.
  • I guess its not just that the cousin showed with kids, its how she spoke to me on our wedding day.  If she was going to be that against our policy, shouldn't it have been something discussed before the day of?  I was pretty much the anti-Bridezilla.  Bottom line: Do I need to address this with MIL?
  • I would let the children thing go since there isn't much you can do about that now, but you better believe that one of us would be having the conversation with MIL that I will NOT be spoken/condescended to like that again, ever.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Oh I'd be all around pissed -- at the cousin who intentionally brought her kids knowing they weren't invited and the MIL who called you bridezilla on your wedding day?! And honestly at your now-husband who didn't step in to try to do some damage control with his own family.

    Nothing you can do about any of it now, but it would certainly color my relationship with MIL. And the cousin can go f*&^ herself -- I can't imagine I'd be inviting her to anything in the future.
  • I would be pissed too. I don't want to discount your feelings on this issue. Pissed at MIL and the cousin. I have some friends that have Devil Spawn for children and they are the reason I'm not inviting kids. One couple can bring their daughter, but at 14, she's hardly a child.

    Like PPs have said, not much you can do now, but I would do like aMrsin09 said -- explain to your MIL that you will not be treated that way in the future. If she defends herself explain that many people wanted to bring their kids but understood you wanted an adults only reception. That your H's cousin ignored your request is downright rude -- especially bringing THREE kids. What if you didn't have any extra food for them?


    9.17.2010
    planning

    image
  • ggmaeggmae member
    5000 Comments
    edited March 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-coaching-here-ladieslong?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21d515a2-a163-4e2c-968b-461716db0313Post:22085eb7-860a-462b-ba22-7465716eff24">Re: Need Some Coaching Here Ladies....LONG</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's highly frustrating for you, but unfortunately there's not a lot you can do about that now, aside from possibly speaking to your MIL about how upset the situation and her response made you. 
    Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

    This.

    That would have really upset me as well, especially because you made an effort to set up child care and were still ignored and disrespected. If you feel up to it, mention it once more to MIL - tell her that you do not appreciate her actions and that it will <u>not</u> happen again. And then let it go. Like PPs said, there is not much you can do about it now.

    Just moving on and letting something like this go instantly is easier said than done, IMO.
    image
  • That's crap. You have every right to be upset. But your hubby is right...get over it. It's better for both of you!!!

    Just make sure that you keep him on board with you! You have to be fair enough that he starts to see his family's crappy behavior instead of just seeing you upset. Take it in stride, and he'll realize that you're not some strong-willed equivalent of his mother, but his level-headed wife who doesn't blow things out of proportion.

    I'm not preaching--I'm learning this lesson from my sister. Her hubby was a complete ass when I met him in high school...his whole family is sweet (in theory) but (in reality) fairly obnoxious, judgmental, and has a horrible tendency to impose. My sister learned ten years ago (they've only been married for five, this summer) to vent her frustrations to ME and those closest to her, and to be tactful with him, even though he was her best friend years before they even dated.

    She has won. She's not "manipulative," but she's smart. They've been married for nearly five years, and he's so on her side now about his family that sometimes she has to convince HIM that it's not worth picking a fight with his mother or sister or cousin....it's easier just to pick their battles. Seriously, it works. My fiance's family is infinitely cooler than his, and in many ways more relaxed than mine, but it's still the right tactic not to let them upset you when they've already done something wrong. Instead, let him realize it over time, and he'll start to think of his own family as unfair and you as sane. Trust me on this one.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards