Out of town Maid of Honor

atellor · January 2010

So my Maid of Honor just got accepted into the Peace Corps and she leaves 9 days after our college graduation this spring. She will be gone for 28 months to whichever underdeveloped country they decide to send her to, and there is no guarantee of reliable communication. She does get 40 vacation days total, but working for the Peace Corps is something you definitely don't do for the money and it's likely that she won't have the money to travel home often. This is her dream and I want to be nothing but supportive of her and her decisions, but now I'm concerned about having to plan a wedding without one of the most important people in my life.

psichick · January 2010

have two MOH's. for the one that is over seas, put her name on the program and list her as absentee, and maybe mention her during your or fi's speach so that people know why she's not there.

banana468 · January 2010

PLEASE don't choose any more of your bridal party. If you've already done so, it's too late. Keep them as it is and PLEASE don't have two MsOH now. It will come as a slight to both the MOH and the 'promoted' BM.

Instead, you have a full year and a half until your wedding. Start planning with your FI on the details and work with him on them. If your BMs offer to do things that's wonderful, but that's not their job.

In the meantime, just ask your MOH what you can do to make things easier on her. When it comes to things like dresses, I'd recommend finding a place like J.Crew or Ann Taylor where she can fit into one off the rack but absolutely ask for budgets before you even look at the dresses too.

mbcdefg · January 2010

Demoting her as MOH because she's unavailable to help you plan would be incredibly cruel. INCREDIBLY cruel. That's basically telling her that she's not worthy of being your best friend because she decided to go off and help less fortunate people, rather than stay here and help you plan your wedding. MOH is your closest friend, and that's what qualifies her to be your MOH. Not because she's the best helper.

If you need help, politely ask a willing friend for it, but you don't need to promote her to MOH as a reward for her help. If you are grateful for a bridemaid's help, thank her with a sweet note, dinner or drinks where you pick up the tab, or a sincere verbal thank you. That will mean more to her than a token title.

Or better yet, ask your FI, since it's his job to plan his wedding. Not your MOH's job and not your bridesmaids' job. It's awesome if people can help you, and it's perfectly O.K. to ask friends to help, but it's not their obligation and they are not "bad bridesmaids" if they say no. It's an obligation to you and your FI (because you two are the ones who decided to get married), it's a favor from anyone else.

And for what it's worth, you don't "need" someone else's help to plan a wedding. ESPECIALLY with a long engagement. Wedding planning is not that hard ... and if it IS hard, then that's a sign that you and your FI are overthinking things and that you're going overboard. So if it gets to the point where you and FI absolutely cannot handle it on your own, then you need to scale things back to the point where it's manageable. Or hire a planner if you can afford one.

emilyinchile · January 2010

There is nothing she should be doing that she can't do abroad. Yes, she might not be there to respond to an e-mail about how you're excited because you decided on a caterer, but even if she were home with internet access she might not be the type to get excited about every detail.

I live in Chile, and my MOH is in med school in PA. Do you think she's actually done much to help me? No, first of all because of the distance but also because I recognize that her learning to save lives is a tiny bit more important than her giving an opinion on how I'm thinking of wearing my hair. You don't need anyone's help but your FI's, and you shouldn't insult your current MOH or another BM by implying that the MOH "position" is merely a reflection of who's willing to work for it and not how you feel about your friends.

trix1223 · January 2010

ditto the other wise ladies. I confess to smirking a bit when I hear about brides needing "support" as they plan their wedding. Really? It's a party. A big party. But aren't you marrying your primary support system?

Please don't do anything but wish your dear friend all the best and ask her how you can help her. That's what friends do.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

That's so exciting for her! The Peace Corps is an incredible and rewarding opportunity, and it's so cool that she's getting to live her dream.

It isn't your MOH's job to help plan your wedding. Even if she was here, it doesn't necessarily mean she would be helping all along. The person who needs to be helping you is your FI. If the two of you can't handle it, cut back or hire a planner. It really isn't so hard to plan a wedding that you need a group of people to do it.

It sounds like she will probably be able to make it to the wedding, so she'll be doing her part. You may want to help her out and plan to cover her dress for her since she'll be on a tight budget. If she can't make it, still list her in your program and know that she's still your MOH in your heart. You can ask another BM to hold your bouquet and sign the license.

As far as the rest of your BMs, like PP said, please do not ask until at least this fall. Read through this board for examples of why asking more than a year in advance is a bad idea. When you do ask them, remember that their only requirements are to get the dress and show up. Anything else they choose to do is a favor or a gift to you. If someone offers to help you, thank them with a heartfelt note or a special gift.

emilyinchile · January 2010

CN of the deleted post (it wasn't even that bad!): OP's MOH is shipping off to the Peace Corps for 2 years. OP is worried that MOH won't be able to help because she'll be without regular communication and won't be able to come home often (no mention was made of her not being able to make the wedding). Should OP add another BM as MOH in order to have the help she "needs"?

mags0607 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_seriously-out-of-town-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f9bac8cd-aebf-472b-b08b-4c4be660116dPost:022d1165-8b5b-4527-b8e5-16779bb42fee">Out of town Maid of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]So my Maid of Honor just got accepted into the Peace Corps and she leaves 9 days after our college graduation this spring. She will be gone for 28 months to whichever underdeveloped country they decide to send her to, and there is no guarantee of reliable communication. She does get 40 vacation days total, but working for the Peace Corps is something you definitely don't do for the money and it's likely that she won't have the money to travel home often. This is her dream and I want to be nothing but supportive of her and her decisions, but now I'm concerned about having to plan a wedding without one of the most important people in my life.
Posted by atellor[/QUOTE]

Everytime I look at this post, the original one looks different and I think is changed. So JIC.

And OP, you have a little over a year and a half to plan your wedding with your fiance. Its understandable to want your closest friends' opinions, and you can ask them for help if they are able to provide it. But, if they cannot, it doesn't make them bad bridesmaids or mean that they love you any less.

It sounds like your MOH will be able to be there for your wedding, so that is a good thing. You can plan your wedding without her, the only other person you HAVE to have to plan your wedding is your fiance. Please, wish your friend the best of luck and support her for the difference she is going to make in the world, and don't be upset because she can't help you plan a party.

My best friend (MOH) lives halfway across the country. I hate not having her closer, not to help me with planning my wedding, but because I miss my friend. I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it, and realize that distance has not changed our friendship. I sincerely hope that is what you meant when you said you couldn't imagine planning your wedding without your friend.

atellor · January 2010

I appreciate the timely responses everyone. Thank you for your input. And perhaps I wasn't clear in my original message, so let me clarify the situation. I was in no way intending on "demoting" my MOH, I agree that would be tactless. I really couldn't be happier for my best friend, this is something that she would be perfect at. She is just an amazing person and I want nothing more than to show her my complete support. I guess I am just more sad than anything that she is leaving. We've been friends for the better part of two decades and she's really more like my sister than anything else, but I know she's going to help people who really need it. Perhaps my original question came off kind of petulant, and that's not how I meant it. I apologize for the confusion.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

MOH =/= wedding planner. And trust me, having a super-involved MOH isn't all it's cracked up to be, too many cooks and all that. Take advantage of the length of your engagement to pull off the necessary planning. If she wants to remain involved, I'm sure she'll ask to hear all the details via phone/email when she has the chance.

mags0607 · January 2010

Now that you have explained it, I can see that you are more upset about your friend going so far away, and I completely get that. I would be upset too, even though you know she is doing good. Unfortunately, tone of voice, and other things get lost in translation over the web, and if you have lurked on this board, the regs here get asked how to demote/ remove/ switch BM/MOH all the time.

Just keep in mind that you do have a lot of time to plan, and your MOH might be home when your wedding comes up. If you haven't asked BP other that her, wait for a little while, so that you son't put yourself in a potential position of drama as friendships do change over time.

atellor · January 2010

Thanks, we haven't picked out any of our other attendants yet. My fiance and I were intending on waiting for about a year to avoid all that has been suggested.

mbcdefg · January 2010

It's fine to be sad that she's not around. My own sister was in AmeriCorps traveling the country last year (not EXACTLY the same, but she was still away from home for a long time) and I missed her very much, and aside from the occasional text or phone call we didn't really get to talk much. But once she came back it was like old times, and it was also clear that she'd gained a lot from the experience. And I was quite jealous that she got to go to some really cool places.

Will you be able to send letters back and forth? How about care packages, can you send those to her? My sister really appreciated the ones that our mother sent, especially when it contained treats and goodies for her to share with her team.

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