How old should kids be to be in a wedding?

KatyRoseM · April 2010

So my sister has 2 children who she wants to be in my wedding. I'm unsure for a few reasons.

First they will be 2 years old, is this old enough for them to do this? Will it be upsetting to them to be looked at by that many people? Will this be meaningful to them or will they not care/not remember?

I want them in it if it will mean something to them, not my sister. I know I'm a brat about it but I'm annoyed that she told me I was "not allowed" to get married if they were not in it. I'm sorry but my getting married has nothing to do with your children, I can get married when we are ready, not based on your children.

So ok, I'm being a brat, and I'll get over it soon. (Fi is more angry but he will also get over it). But the more important question is, can a 2 year old be in a wedding? Is this a good idea for them?

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_old-should-kids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70c01f9a-0711-4b8f-9ea3-7ed052365e40Post:ae965cfa-32c5-472d-862b-f469de3323f9">How old should kids be to be in a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my sister has 2 children who she wants to be in my wedding. I'm unsure for a few reasons. First they will be 2 years old, is this old enough for them to do this? Will it be upsetting to them to be looked at by that many people? Will this be meaningful to them or will they not care/not remember? I want them in it if it will mean something to them, not my sister. <strong>I know I'm a brat about it but I'm annoyed that she told me I was "not allowed" to get married if they were not in it. </strong> I'm sorry but my getting married has nothing to do with your children, I can get married when we are ready, not based on your children. So ok, I'm being a brat, and I'll get over it soon. (Fi is more angry but he will also get over it). But the more important question is, can a 2 year old be in a wedding? Is this a good idea for them?
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]
This is annoying. I feel like 2 is a little young - are there other kids that are a bit older who could fill the roles?

eav2c · April 2010

I don't think it's right for your sister to guilt you into having her children in your wedding. But, in the same token, she probably just naturally figured that they would be in the wedding considered you are their aunt.

My FI's nephew will be one month shy of 2 years old at the time of our wedding. He will be the RB. Some might say he is too young--but we are overjoyed to have such a handsome little man be the RB! I've seen some weddings where the children were very small and they were brought in on a stroller/carriage. The stroller was decorated with tool and flowers... It was actually quite cute and everyone loved the idea. We are considering this option--but won't know until the wedding is closer. I'd say, this is an option especially if the children are shy.

You shouldn't feel obligated to have them in your wedding... But, certainly wouldn't worry about the age, IMO.

emarston1 · April 2010

You are not a brat for being offended that your sister told you that you couldn't get married if her kids weren't in the wedding. If she was serious, that was very presumptious and rude of her.

And to answer your question, depending on "how" 2 they are (as in did they just turn 2 or are they about to turn 3), it may not be the best idea. They may not get the point of walking down the aisle/may not do it. They definitely won't remember the experience but that doesn't mean they wouldn't enjoy it.

When it comes to kids in the wedding, expect the unexpected. Some kids who you think will be great, end up flaking out. And others whom you think will be bratty, end up being angels.

My best piece of advice would be to avoid committing to anything right now. If you don't make a decision now, you don't have to struggle with a poor decision later. Good luck!

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

I think you need to know the children in question. My neice was a flower girl in her aunt's wedding at two and she was ridiculously adorable and happy. But, I have been to weddings where they send a small child like this down the aisle crying in fright and it tears your heart out.

You're sister definitely should not make you feel this way. Perhaps you can compromise by having her dress them in matching WP colors but not pressuring them into 'performing' shall we say?

btrflykate1230 · April 2010

I think it really depends on the child. My son will be 2 by the time my wedding rolls around, and I think he'll be up for it. He's a really great kid (right now) but if he turns into a more troublesome child, I have no problem pulling him from the program.

I would let your sister know your concerns about the age and if it's a risk you're willing to take, then ask them to be in the WP.

megk8oz · April 2010

I personally think 2 is way too young (Although if other people choose to have 2 year-olds, that's their deal). I also think that your sister is the one being bratty here by "forbidding" you to get married if her little snowflakes can't be involved.

Here's the thing, these kids won't actually remember being at your wedding, let alone if they had a "special part" in it. Jeez, most kids don't remember much from before they were 5 or 6 ... DH was a RB for his dad when he was 10 and the only he remembers about it was "My feet hurt and it was boring!". So if you have them in your WP, it's going to be just to make your sister happy.

You don't need to have kids in your WP at all to have a valid marriage. If you don't want these kids in the ceremony, I really see no reason for it.

missy68 · April 2010

Most memories don't become permanent before the age of 3, so he'll likely have no personal memory of it.

I had my 4 1/2 year old nephew as my ring bearer/presenter and he was awesome. However, he did get to sit with his parents, and listened for the minister to call his name - that's when he brought (yes, our actual rings) up in little organza bags. Two months later, however, he was a traditional ring bearer in my cousin's wedding, "torpedo suit" and all, and I do believe he did just fine. He had a nap right after the ceremony, then he was all over the dance floor (after some dinner and cake), cutting a mean rug.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Your sister is being a brat. Two year olds don't give two fuucks about being in a wedding. They'd rather eat their boogers and watch cartoons. Trust me.

KatyRoseM · April 2010

Thanks guys. I was not planning on having any kids if I didn't have hers. I just don't want them to look back at the pictures and say why wasn't I in the wedding? Basically I don't want to hurt them or future them. Also I don't want to make my sister flip out too much.

jrpetrik · April 2010

Side note: I was 4 when my aunt and uncle got married... I totally remember that I was supposed to be a flower girl but that my mum and dad changed their minds on that, being worried that I'd do something unpredictable (and yep, I remember things about the wedding). This has become something of a family joke at this point, and I still give my mum and my aunt a hard time for not letting me be a flower girl.

Anyways, my niece will be 20 months old when I get married. She's mischievous and cute, and she's gonna be one of our flower girls (the other is one of FI's cousins, and she's 7 or so) -- especially since I couldn't be a flower girl at my aunt's wedding! If she does something small child-ish, everyone will smile and think it's cute. It's not a big deal -- even if she suddenly decides she doesn't want to walk down the aisle it won't be a big deal.

KatyRoseM · April 2010

Good point. Oy, I don't want anyone to be upset, they just seem really young and not predictable. I wouldn't want them to cry because people are all looking at them, or anything like that. I don't even know what exactly I'm worrying about, except the sister flipping out part, but I don't want to just give in to her.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_old-should-kids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70c01f9a-0711-4b8f-9ea3-7ed052365e40Post:37ac6508-d13b-4b9a-b8b6-356a3e068b9d">Re: How old should kids be to be in a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Side note: I was 4 when my aunt and uncle got married... I totally remember that I was supposed to be a flower girl but that my mum and dad changed their minds on that, being worried that I'd do something unpredictable (and yep, I remember things about the wedding). This has become something of a family joke at this point, and I still give my mum and my aunt a hard time for not letting me be a flower girl..
Posted by jrpetrik[/QUOTE]

There is an enormous difference between a 2 year old and a 4 year old. A 2 year old will definitely not remember any of it.

BecW2be · April 2010

I think anything under 3.5-4 is like a tiny timebomb waiting to sh!t all over your ceremony. It may wait and sh!t all over the reception instead, but can you really chance it?

That's just my opinion, but I don't really care for small children. I like babies, and I like 4+ years. 1-4yr olds get on my nerves. So my suggestion is skewed for sure, but it's up to you if you think a crying, frightened or even a cartwheeling toddler is a good look for your ceremony. I don't care for it, and I bet the toddler doesn't, either.

Starmusica · April 2010

I agree with Meag- it depends on the child.

However- its your wedding and I could see how being told who has to be in it would annoy you. Was it said jokingly? Maybe you can just tell your sister you don't want children in the wedding party period? I am only doing a flower girl.. and she will be 6.

jrpetrik · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_old-should-kids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:70c01f9a-0711-4b8f-9ea3-7ed052365e40Post:da7f2950-66d8-4fcc-9df9-16ee3cf70a37">Re: How old should kids be to be in a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How old should kids be to be in a wedding? : There is an enormous difference between a 2 year old and a 4 year old. A 2 year old will definitely not remember any of it.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

<div>Clearly.<div style="border-style:initial;border-color:initial;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;font-size:13px;vertical-align:baseline;background-image:initial;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;background-color:transparent;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">
</div><div style="border-style:initial;border-color:initial;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;font-size:13px;vertical-align:baseline;background-image:initial;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;background-color:transparent;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">That part of the comment was to address the person who thought kids under 5-6 don't remember anything.</div></div>

megk8oz · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_old-should-kids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70c01f9a-0711-4b8f-9ea3-7ed052365e40Post:893c5acf-fca1-49d5-a8ce-7f83efccbe4f">Re: How old should kids be to be in a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How old should kids be to be in a wedding? : Clearly. That part of the comment was to address the person who thought kids under 5-6 don't remember anything.
Posted by jrpetrik[/QUOTE]

Hi, that would be me, and you got it wrong:

[QUOTE]Here's the thing, these kids won't actually remember being <strong>at</strong> your wedding, let alone if they had a "special part" in it. <strong>Jeez, most kids don't remember much from before they were 5 or 6 ...</strong> DH was a RB for his dad when he was <strong>10</strong> and the only he remembers about it was "My feet hurt and it was boring!". So if you have them in your WP, it's going to be just to make your sister happy.[/QUOTE]

And it's true. <strong>Most people</strong> <strong>don't remember much</strong> from that age (Not "Not a soul on the planet remembers anything at all"). While I remember things from when I was 4, like being in my mother's 2nd wedding, I certainly don't remember them vividly. If you notice, the very next sentence was about my DH having a fuzzy memory on something that happened when he was 10 (Which is way older than 5-6). And while you may remember that one wedding, I highly doubt that you remember every single thing that happend to you between ages 4-6 like it just happened yesterday ... I'm willing to bet you don't even remember every single thing about the wedding in question.

My main point to the OP was that the <strong>2 year old</strong> in this situation wasn't going to remember attending the wedding, let alone whether or not he had a special role in it. And he won't be scarred for life if he's not included. Unless his mother tells him constantly growing up " ... and your Aunt had the nerve to get married and didn't even make you the RB", he's not going to think anything of it. And I really hope that if his mother <strong>does</strong> do that, that one day he has the good sense to say "Ma, I was <strong>2</strong>, I probably was too busy pooping myself that day anyway. Get over it!".

And I'm really having a hard time believing that as an adult you're feelings are still hurt by not being a FG when you were 4. I'm 25 and I'm a bit of a sensitive person when it comes to a lot of things, but I'm well adjusted enough to not actually still feel injured over things I wasn't allowed to do "because the grown ups said no". I certainly could never look at a relatives or close family friend's wedding album from when I was young and think "How dare they not include me!" (Entitlement much?). They were adults entitled to pick their own WP, just like when it was my turn, I got to pick mine. And in the case of OP's wedding, she gets to pick hers.

DavidandAmyClark · April 2010

It really depends on the kid. My grandmother re-married when my nephew was two, as was the grooms grandson, so they were partner ringbearers because all the kids/grandkids were part of the wedding. Both were 2 and 1/2 and my nephew was very cute and well behave while the other boy was cute but NOT well behaved needed to be held by his BM mother and had to be removed from the church mid ceremony.

And frankly I am a little apprehensive about my FI's nephew who will be 4. So it really depends on the kids. And I wouldn't worry about it being meaningful to them as much as it is meaning ful to YOU and the FI!! That is what is important. If you feel good about it, it could be super adorable. But don't let your sister walk all over you, (Speaking as a younger sister who used to get stomped on!)
Its your day, do what you want.!!

526SadieSadie · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_old-should-kids-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:70c01f9a-0711-4b8f-9ea3-7ed052365e40Post:ae965cfa-32c5-472d-862b-f469de3323f9">How old should kids be to be in a wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my sister has 2 children <strong>who she wants to be in my wedding</strong>. I'm unsure for a few reasons. First they will be 2 years old, is this old enough for them to do this? Will it be upsetting to them to be looked at by that many people? Will this be meaningful to them or will they not care/not remember? I want them in it if it will mean something to them, not my sister. I know I'm a brat about it but I'm annoyed that she told me I was "not allowed" to get married if they were not in it. I'm sorry but my getting married has nothing to do with your children, I can get married when we are ready, not based on your children. So ok, I'm being a brat, and I'll get over it soon. (Fi is more angry but he will also get over it). But the more important question is, can a 2 year old be in a wedding? Is this a good idea for them?
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]
SHE wants them in your wedding, you not so much. I think that's your answer. Is your sister a thunder thief? Do you think her motive is to get all of the family to walk past you to compliment HER on how cute her kids are? I'd bite that siszilla issue in the bud. 2 year olds are notoriously fickle. My cousin's daughter out and out refused to walk down the aisle and we in the front of the church could hear her screeching in the vestibule. Her mom grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her down the aisle looking like the wreck of the Hesperus. I'd just say no and let your sister implode looking like a jerk. What is she really going to say to people?

"My stupid sister wouldn't let MY BABIES walk down the aisle in pretty dresses so I"M NOT GOING" there is no way to say that without crossing your arms and stomping your foot....like a two year old.

jrksle · April 2010

If they are just turning two when you get married, then yes, I think it is too young. However, my future neice will be two and half, and we are having her be our flower girl. I don't care if she does something unpredictable, because no matter what, it will be adorable. I keep imagining her dropping the rose petals, and then picking them up, and then dropping them, and then picking them up. I love it. At the same time, I have a contingency plan. One of her my FI's cousins will be 8. She is going to be a miniature bride (tradition in my family), so if the FG gets nervous, she can walk beside her instead of behind her.

christy29322 · April 2010

One of my friends had a nephew around 2 years old, & he was dressed in a cute outfit & pulled up the aisle in a Radio Flyer wagon with some bows on it. One of the ushers pulled him up the aisle, the photographer took a couple of pictures, then he was wheeled right out the choir door & left with a sitter for the rest of the evening. It was really cute & got a lot of "awwwws", he's in the pics & everyone was happy.
See if siszilla will agree to something like that...

laura_fett · April 2010

I don't think it's too young, if they have a fit or get scared, what's the big deal, they won't walk down the aisle, simple as that.

I'm having my nephew as a rb, he'll be 2 and 4 months, if he doesn't want to walk down for whatever reason, it's not going to ruin my day. BUT - I wanted him to be part of the WP not my SIL or brother, so I guess it's up to you.

willowprincess · May 2010

wow, i'm sorry. first off, you should not feel obligated to have anyone in your WP. and you're right, your marriage has nothing to do with who's in it (WP).
however, i do not think 2 is too young (barring those wild childs). my niece will be 18 months and is our flower girl. both her parents are in the wp and will walk down with her. then my SIL mom will be sitting up front to hold her during the ceremony. maybe you could do something like this?

NicoleJay312 · May 2010

I think in the end it's up to you whether or not to have them. I totally understand the concerns. My twon nieces will be flower girls. One of them will be only 2 the other is her older sister age 6. Our ring bearer is only 3. I want them to be there. If they walk they walk. If not that's okay too. My SIL had a similar attitude as your sister about what your wedding means for her and her children. I just let it slide. Better to keep the peace. I almost think its funny they think they are the center of things.
Good luck whatever you decide.

How old should kids be to be in a wedding?

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