Name Change situation-Opinions please!

Coghoot12 · December 2011

I am choosing not to change my name when I get married in June.

I do realize that I am probably a bit over-sensitive when it comes to people assuming that I am changing it so I acknowledge that I may get a little crazy when people refer to me as "Mrs. FH's last name".

In the past few weeks I have received 2 pieces of mail from different members of FH's family addressed to me with his last name.

I thought about asking FMIL to mention to her family members that my last name is staying "as is". I have a good relationship with FMIL but I am not really close with her familiy.

Do I let this go and deal with it or try and get the word out via MIL? Or any other suggestions on how to handle this?

aragx6 · December 2011

You haven't even gotten married and they're sending you mail with what would be your married name? That's weird.

Regardless, I think as long as your FMIL doesn't mind doing so, spreading the word that you won't be changing it is a good idea.

That said, it sounds like you're doing something outside the norms of your FI's family and it's likely you'll continue to get some of this. You just have to let it roll of your back.

Meg1036 · December 2011

I would talk to FMIL and/or your H's family. Its one thing if people you don't know well assume you have the last name as your husband - people do that to me all the time. Its NBD and I ignore it.

Family who I will be interacting with for the rest of my life and who I can reasonably expect to keep my name straight? I correct them. And ditto about being announced at your reception with your own last name - that sent the message pretty clearly to our wedding guests.

redheadfsu · December 2011

I casually told his immediate family in conversation (it came up b/c of my job and they asked me). His extended family have sent me stuff addressed as Mrs. (his immediate family won't 'spread' it for you).

Just when you send thank yous or Xmas cards, list both names on the outer envelope. People will figure it out eventually, no need to tell people.

But you can not force people to not call you Mrs. hislastname. Some (of my) conservative family members who know I haven't changed it, still call me Mrs. hisastname.

MyUserName1 · December 2011

I'd have FMIL help you spread the word.
Maybe it could be phrased it as "Coghoot is concerned about not receiving her mail with Mr. Coghoot's last name on it instead of her own! She's not changing it, so the post office might not deliver to someone who doesn't exist! *smile*"

Also, thats super odd that they are addressing you as Mrs. FI'sLatName already. I'm surprised the mail got to you!

And try to let it roll off when they do make a mistake, they aren't deliberately trying to be offensive, they just don't know better! I had family members make out check to Mrs. MyFirst Ex-H'sLast and I didn't change my name either! (Fortunately it wasn't an issue with my bank since we had a joint account and they knew me)

AmethystMSU · December 2011

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-change-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:982231a4-624d-4ac3-88b3-9379d9464db4Post:a8fc6c41-711e-49af-b4bc-3b63f026792e">Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please!</a>:
[QUOTE]You haven't even gotten married and they're sending you mail with what would be your married name? That's weird. Regardless, I think as long as your FMIL doesn't mind doing so, spreading the word that you won't be changing it is a good idea. That said, it sounds like you're doing something outside the norms of your FI's family and it's likely you'll continue to get some of this. You just have to let it roll of your back.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
I agree, that is crazy weird. I would have been annoyed if I had received mail addressed to Amethyst HisLast 6 months before we got married, and I DID change my name.

Having FMIL spread the word is probably a good idea, as this will continue and only get worse without getting the news to people. Although some people are stuck in their ways and will continue to address you as Mrs. HisLast forever even if they know you didn't change your name.</div>

Coghoot12 · December 2011

Thanks for all the input.

I also think it's strage that they addressed it that way as well. One was a thank-you note from a wedding that was a crazy-train of bad etiquette so I wasn't expecting normalcy. (At least I got the thank you!) I don't think they were trying to be offensive and I do agree I need to not get worked up over this because I'm sure it will happen again.

We will definately be introduced at the reception as something like "for the first time as a married couple" with our names, not Mr. and Mrs.

I'll talk to MIL and have her spread the word. I really like MyUserName's suggestion about "the post office won't deliver to non-existent people".

Honestly, this all goes back to the fact that I have a friend who sells Thirty-One and I keep buying boatloads of stuff from her thats monogrammed. So I can't change my name or I'll look like I stole someone elses lunch bag. (I'm kidding, there are many other reasons).

Edited to take out weird alignment and to clarify I'm not a total nutball.

jemmini6 · December 2011

I forget where I saw this, but it was a poll that showed that 80% of women still take their husband's name after marriage, so don't be too surprised when people make that assumption. Also, don't get angry if they do, just politely correct them and move on. (unless they know you are keeping your name, and still insist on calling you by your H's name).

I think preemptively spreading the word that you will be keeping your name is a good idea, as well as making sure you are announced with your own name. Other than that, just field the questions/assumptions as they come as politely as you can and don't feel pressured into answering "why" questions.

This also reminds me of a funny story though, apparently my 82 year old grandmother asked my mom if I was changing or not because "you never know with young people these days". LOL. At least she was polite enough to ask instead of assume, but I thought that was kind of funny.

redheadfsu · December 2011

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-change-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:982231a4-624d-4ac3-88b3-9379d9464db4Post:6459ac86-788b-486d-a5cf-5f6c457a65d5">Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please! : I've heard of a lot of different reasons for one to keep one's maiden name. This is a first for me..... I really don't want to sound judge-y, but this reason seems a little odd if it is the only reason to keep one's maiden name.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

I think it was a joke</div>

Coghoot12 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-change-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:982231a4-624d-4ac3-88b3-9379d9464db4Post:6459ac86-788b-486d-a5cf-5f6c457a65d5">Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please! : I've heard of a lot of different reasons for one to keep one's maiden name. This is a first for me..... I really don't want to sound judge-y, but this reason seems a little odd if it is the only reason to keep one's maiden name.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">I sometimes forget the interweb has not invented a sarcasm font! I edited my post to show I was kidding. I really do have al ot of things with my initials but I do have other reasons for keeping the name!</div>

Kate61487 · December 2011

I'm with Amethyst - I'd find it SUPER weird if someone adressed me as Mrs. 6 months before our wedding, and I too changed my name.

I like Red's idea - make sure that anything you send out is clearly marked and correct it when it's used in your presence. spreading the word ahead of time is fine, but I'm sure people will still get it wrong.

As for what Meg said about family being reasonably expected to keep your name straight. Should be true, but I had an aunt who wrote my name as "Katy" on absolutely everything she sent me from infancy up to our wedding card, despite the fact that I have never ever gone by that (Katie for a short time, Kate for the majority of my adolesence). At a point you just give up on correcting it and go on with your life.

tally7 · December 2011

Does it really bother you that much to be called by his name? I didn't change my name and it doesn't bother me - its not legally changed so at work and legally nothing has changed.

jessicabessica · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-change-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:982231a4-624d-4ac3-88b3-9379d9464db4Post:52af8252-46a6-4d10-9a8b-d789073cd0c3">Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Does it really bother you that much to be called by his name? I didn't change my name and it doesn't bother me - its not legally changed so at work and legally nothing has changed.
Posted by tally7[/QUOTE]

It's kind of annoying to get called by a name that's not your own, especially if you've previously told the person that you do not go by the name they choose to call you.

Coghoot12 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-change-situation-opinions-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:982231a4-624d-4ac3-88b3-9379d9464db4Post:52af8252-46a6-4d10-9a8b-d789073cd0c3">Re: Name Change situation-Opinions please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Does it really bother you that much to be called by his name? I didn't change my name and it doesn't bother me - its not legally changed so at work and legally nothing has changed.
Posted by tally7[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">It bothers me becase it's not my name.

I think the name change question is one that is loaded with personal feelings and opinions. Everyone makes their own choice for their own reasons. I am very attached to my name and I get irked when someone else tries to decide something so personal for me. But that's my opinion. Others don't feel that way so I could see why it may not be viewed as a big deal.

</div>

tenofcups4me · December 2011

I think a talk with FMIL asking her to spread the word is a good idea, but I'd suggest asking your FH to have that talk with her first. At least that's what I did. DH brought up that I wasn't changing my name first -- one to pass on the info, but two to fully show his support of the decision. Then later, FMIL confirmed with me the correct way to send mail to us.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything about getting mail -- honestly, that's just silly. The post office delivers to the address; they don't care who lives there or what name you're using. And it seems silly to me to try to make it about something that it's not about. You can share your reasons or not with FMI -- that's up to you, of course, but I wouldn't make up reasons.

FWIW, I DO care when people get my name wrong -- I know the last names of my family and friends and I expect them to know mine. DH knows this and is always the first to jump in and "gently" correct anyone who gets my name wrong. My ex- didn't do that and it pissed me off to no end that he didn't actively reinforce the decision with his family and friends.

Name Change situation-Opinions please!

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