Name Changing Issue, advice needed

SheenaNash1 · September 2010

So my and my fiance are throwing around the idea of both changing our last name. Its not set in stone but we are thinking seriously about it. The reason why is because his last name is Harter but everyone cant help but pronounce it "harder". Not the worst thing in the world but Im a teacher and I really dont want to be "Mrs. Harder "for the rest of my life. If i ever decide to teach high school it will be a nightmare. Also, my fiance had a rough time in school being teased about his last name and we both want to try and spare our future kids that as much as we can. We are thinking of changing both of our last names to Harther, which was his families original last name before they came to America and it was changed.

My question is, if we choose to go this route, how do we handle telling people. Do we include it in the ceremony somehow, do we put it on the invites, do we just not mention it and tell people as it comes up? I dont really want part of our ceremony to be like "the bride and groom have decide to both change their name because they dislike the old one!" lol but I cant think of a good way to incorporate it.

Any ideas? thoughts?

skippylouwho · September 2010

Personally - I think that's actually pretty tame name and to change it so you don't have to worry about students having a teacher with that last name or so any future kids you have won't be teased is pretty out there - again, for such a tame last name.

Kids will tease other kids no matter what the last name is, they will make something out of just about every name. Kids will make fun of or comment on just about every teachers names. This isn't new, they've done as long as there have been teachers, kids, parents, and last names.

What are yu teaching your kids if you change your last name (and it's not that terrible of a last name) and you change it so they won't be teased? Run from every challenge? take the easy way out rather than dealing with issues?

If you truly had an obectionable last name would be one thing but, to me, you are really blowing this out of proportion. If you wanted to change your name so it combined your last names I could also understand that but to me your reasoning is very weak, unless there is more to it than your stating.

BTW, I grew up with kids named Harter - and actually, none of us ever made jokes about the last name and we prounced it with the t rather than a d.

jnc1113 · September 2010

I don't have a clue how to let people know; however, I just wanted to say that I would give almost anything to get FI to change his last name (and mine, of course) back to the original family name prior to coming to America. If you both feel strongly about changing the last name (and I took a lot of crap over mine growing up, so I know the feeling), go for it! I hope someone has some good advice about announcing the change. GL!

SheenaNash1 · September 2010

Skippylou - actually i wouldnt be teaching my kids anything one way or the other, seeing as how it would be the only last name they ever knew. and it may seem a tame last name for you however, my finace went through some pretty rough times because of it in grade school and since i will be teaching where my kids go to school i dont want to deal with it if i dont have to. Im not naive enough to think that i can spare my kids from all teasing, thats impossible. I just feel that if i can do something proactive that also makes me more comfortable with my new name than why not do it? And if we combined our last names I would be "Narter" or "Sharter" or "Hash" or "Harsh", so thats off the table! I think that going back to the names roots is actually way less "out there" than smashing two random names together to make something new. So, next time you post a comment, maybe you should actually read the issue and add a helpful suggestion instead of attacking the idea.

LuluP82 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-changing-issue-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:00b55537-ae67-4aaa-8da9-384ef39b8769Post:978825fb-0928-4cde-8405-7feaa7d6b5cc">Re: Name Changing Issue, advice needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Skippylou - actually i wouldnt be teaching my kids anything one way or the other, seeing as how it would be the only last name they ever knew. and it may seem a tame last name for you however, my finace went through some pretty rough times because of it in grade school and since i will be teaching where my kids go to school i dont want to deal with it if i dont have to. Im not naive enough to think that i can spare my kids from all teasing, thats impossible. I just feel that if i can do something proactive that also makes me more comfortable with my new name than why not do it? And if we combined our last names I would be "Narter" or "Sharter" or "Hash" or "Harsh", so thats off the table! I think that going back to the names roots is actually way less "out there" than smashing two random names together to make something new. So, next time you post a comment, maybe you should actually read the issue and add a helpful suggestion instead of attacking the idea.
Posted by SheenaNash1[/QUOTE]

Pretty sure when she said combine she meant like hyphenate or something or have a double last name...that's how I read it anyway.

I think if you want to change your name, just do it. As for announcing it...you could always have whoever is announcing you as Mr. and Mrs. do it with the new name, and then people will know. Also, when you write thank-you notes. I'd talk to his parents before and anyone else who might be offended...everyone else will likely blink, but not really care.

Kidlet 26 · September 2010

Sheena - I would just have your officiant announce it at the end as "Now presenting Mr. and Mrs. (new name)" That way, (mostly) everyone important will know about the name change. You could also send out announcement cards if you feel good about that.

Skippylou - that was unnecessary. Why don't you walk in her shoes for awhile before you comment on whether her last name "would be all that bad." I also grew up with a terrible name and was happy to change it but others think that name was perfectly acceptable.

As far as the name change itself - going back to the original name is a great idea. I have a friend and her husband who also decided to both change their name - they went completely away from both family names and came up with something completely different and completely them.

slubkin · September 2010

When my dad married his second wife, she didn't take his last name (for professional reasons). When they had two sons, the boys initially used my father's last name but when one of them started acting from a relatively young age, he used his mother's last name for his stage name (and now for virtually everything) since her last name is easier to spell and pronounce. My other brother still uses my father's last name.

jenellsrevenge · September 2010

Geez Skippylou. Just because you think it's tame and were apparently mature about it growing up doesn't mean that others won't be, and obviously haven't been in the past due to the fiance's past experience with the last name. I actually think it's quite nice that they are taking their future kids into consideration while making this decision. It's much better than the parents who give their kids names that really do not need to be combined with their last name and they leave others asking....really? Why would you do that to a kid?

SheenaNash1 · September 2010

Thanks for the support ladies! Like I said, we havent decided but whatever happens it will be for the best.

emak11610 · September 2010

SheenaNash - I am in kinda the same predicament. My fiancé took his step-dads last name as a teen and now his step-dad is no longer in the picture. My fiancé plans to changing his name back to his biological fathers name. We sent out the invites with the "new - old" name. Then we asked the parents, the bridal party and other close friends and family that knew what was going on to spread the word. To be honest no one really noticed the new name on the invite.

My only suggestion to you other than just do what feels right to you, your fiancé and your new family, would be to keep track of the changes in your last name. It might be something that brought bad memories to your fiancé , but for me I find as my family historian all those types of information very helpful to track down branches of my family.

desert*bride · September 2010

I like the idea! Why take a name or keep a name that you dont' like? that would be silly. I think you're facing the problem head on and finding a solution!

As for announcing it, I would just let it get around by word of mouth. Tell your parents obviously and have them start spreading the word so that people aren't completely caught off guard. I think just having it announced at the reception will just result in people thinking that the DJ pronounced your name wrong. I wouldn't make a big announcement or anything at your wedding... just let people know as it comes up and obviously sign your thank you cards with the new name. Ask your parents, and especially his, for more insight into how the family will react and how you might want to approach this situation.

alainn15 · September 2010

Has your FI talked to his parents or grandparents about this name change? He may want to look into how they feel. They may be offended or broken hearted that their son does not have their name anymore.

As for the comments about being teased.
My name is Mandi Moore. My Fi last name is Yi. I'll be Mindi Yi.
I can't win either way.

twixinthemix · September 2010

I don't really have any new good ideas other than the ones presented, but I do like the idea if you both feel comfortable with it! A funny story though. I'm a teacher too, and our Vice Principal of Discipline has the last name of Harshman. How's that for a name fitting the title too well!!

Adrini76 · September 2010

My FI and I are hyphenating We've told the parents and they are telling the aunts, uncles and such so any checks will be addressed correctly. We thought it would be a huge deal but it isn't. The families are just happy we found each other. I get more drama about it online then in real life.

It really is 2010. Though there are those on the knot that wouldn't make you think so. You can do whatever you want. He can take your name, you can make a new one. You can keep your names as they are. Your kids(if you have any) can also have any name you want. It's no ones call but the two of you. The world will not end. Life will not be unavoidably corrupted. Time will march on. Every tradition was once a new idea - remind yourself of this when people start to pound you.

LeahDVM2003 · September 2010

I'm not going to offer any opinions on whether/to what you should change your names. I do have a suggestion for passing the word, though--at-home cards. These are simply small cards that you include with your invitations and announcements with your new name, address, phone number, e-mails, honeymoon return date, and/or whatever else you need to include.

"John and Jane Newlastname will be at home at
new address
new number
etc."

Or "Mr. and Mrs. John Newlastname will be at home
after January First, Two Thousand and Eleven
new address"

You get the idea.

Name Changing Issue, advice needed

Re: Name Changing Issue, advice needed

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