Extended Family Drama - Advice please :0(

Re: Extended Family Drama - Advice please :0(

• tannymcgee member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with.  Honestly, you really haven't done anything that should be offensive to anyone.  I think you need to have a talk with your mom, and say "I appreciate everything you and stepfather have done for me through the years, but I want my father to have his traditional role in my wedding.  I'm sorry if that bothers you but this is my decision and it is final."  

  
  

  Regarding the guest list, I'm sorry but this is another area where you have to firm.  Let them know that you would be happy to invite these extra guests but they will have to pay for them; you simply cannot afford it.  

  
  

  I know it sucks to have to have these kind of difficult conversations but you really haven't done anything wrong and need to just stand up to your mom.

  Married 4/30/11

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• calindi member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  It's time to put your foot down and stand up for yourself.  Tantrums make you a bridezilla - being firm in your decisions makes you a self-respecting adult.
  
  Say to Mom, "I really care about Step-Dad, and I'm excited to have him at my wedding.  But I have always dreamed of having my Dad walk me down the aisle and dance with me at the wedding, so I will be doing that.  I'd be happy to save a different song for Step-Dad to dance with him later in the reception."
  
  Also, say to Mom, "I would really appreciate it if you would refrain from talking about my father negatively to me.  I understand you both didn't have the best of times, and that he wasn't always a perfect husband, but I want to build my own relationship with my father on my own terms."
  
  If Step-Dad says anything directly, tell him you care about him, and look forward to having him there and to take pictures with him on your big day.  If he brings up walking you down the aisle, kindly let him know that you appreciate that, but you've decided to walk down the aisle with your father.
  
  As far as adding more people, I assume you're sending out the invitations.  If your Mom is paying for the wedding, then let her know how much each additional person will be to attend.  If she's okay with that, then it's kind of her decision.  If she's not paying, tell her you need a list of X number of people, and if it's more, you'll be trimming the list as you see fit.  Your money, your wedding, your decision.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• bmetz34 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  ugh, I feel for you.  I've barely started planning and I have already experienced the drama and emotional manipulation.  Unfortunately, your mom probably knows you best since she's been around you're whole life.  So that means she knows how to twist your emotions to get you to do what she wants.  She might not even realize what exactly she's doing, but it's what's happening.  I just started realizing this.  The best advice I got was to try to keep my emotions out of it.  Impossible right?!!?  But what I'm working on is coming up with a standard response for when my mom is negative about my decisions.  Something along the lines of "Mom, I really appreciate your participation, but if you cannot be positive and constructive, I'd rather not have your input on this".  Maybe you can sit down and have one talk with your mom, or even write in in a letter, so it's something firm and concrete you can refer to when she doesn't act the way you want in regards to your father.   I'm still not sure how much my mom will be involved based on her actions so far (she and my dad are chipping in about 1/4 of the budget).  But since your mom isn't paying for anything, then I agree with PP that she doesn't get to decide your guest list.  Good luck... feel free to PM me if you want to vent further... a good vent can go a long way

  8/12 March Siggy- reception venue!
  

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• alexismurda

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_connecticut_extended-family-drama-advice-please-0?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:65Discussion:fb163dde-e548-4b92-91be-a0f23fbdb52aPost:2a4f25cc-3f2f-4b9e-969e-bd402cd8fd40">Extended Family Drama - Advice please :0(</a>:
  [QUOTE] (which he told me he wasn't wearing and wasn't going to be a clone - that I could leave a picture and he'll do what he's going to do).     
  Posted by mlprck27[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>this makes me so mad! Seriously, I know you care about both sets of parents equally (i have a similar problem with mine) But if he is going to say he's just going to do what hes going to do then he obviously doesn't really respect your wedding or decisions.</div><div>
  </div><div>You need to sit down with them and make them realize that this is about YOU and not them. I feel so horrible for you, if my parents were giving me this much grief I honestly would consider telling them not to come (harsh, i know). You should sit down with your mother and your step-father and let them know how much they are hurting you! Your dad is still your dad no matter what his relationship was like with your mother!</div>

  

  

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• daniellelmilczak member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with all the other ladies' posts - You need to be firm, and direct. Tell all parents involved that they are allowed x number of guests, and if they want more, the per person costy is $y.
  
  I'm really sorry your parents are doing this to you - it's supposed to be a time of joy and excitement, not nearly this stressful. Explain to mom and step dad how they're hurting you and lay down the law.
  
  Good Luck!

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• Vanessa630 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  So sorry- what a difficult situation.  You've handled everything as best as you can so far.  I agree with everyone. When you started to say that your guest list was getting out of control, I waited to see who's contributing financially-  like previous posts have said, your money, your decision.  Family relationships are so complicated and for some reason they all get played out during weddings.
  Good luck with everything. 
  

  

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• smore154

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  God, I want to cry for you. I went through- not a similar situation- but a similar family "meltdown" 2 weeks before my wedding- and don't you just feel like no one cares that its YOUR wedding??? They say they do- but they want it a certain way, and since they are your parents, that's the way it'll be.
  
  With my mom, I know she was really just upset with me growing up and getting married and starting to have a family of my own, so she was literally saying any mean thing she could to me because that's what she does- she gets scared and then gets angry for NO GOOD REASON! It sounds like everyone's starting to freak out about your wedding, and really mean things are being said. It's really really unfortunate, and I completely feel your pain.
  
  I can only tell you what I did- which was after completely standing firm in my decision for a WEEK- realizing EVERYONE around me were being COMPLETE JERKS AND BABIES- and I gave in to all of them. They wanted this- fine, you want it that way- great. I never do that- and it was so hard and completely completely upsetting to do. I think I cried for like 3 hours, and it's still one of the low points in my life. But I got married, and everything was awesome and I wouldnt have traded the day for any other in my life so far. Everything they were fighting with me about was so stupid, that day- no one cares- because everyone is just so happy for you.
  
  I will say in your situation, since you are paying- you have a LOT more say. You don't want these people invited- you should say so. In my case, my parents were helping, so I had to go with whomever they wanted to invite (it wasn't nearly close to your list though- only 170p). So in that respect- defniitely say something. You should NOT have to pay for people you dont know. They want them there? They can chip in.
  
  I really really hope that this can be resolved, but try not to let it get you down too much. You don't want to completely wear yourself out before your wedding.

  

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• Melissa603 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I think everyone has great ideas. You need to be firm and let your mom know that you cannot afford to invite her extra guests. 

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• Nicole1527 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Everyone has the right idea.....firm and direct. The fact of the matter is: this is YOUR wedding. And the reason why you are having this wedding is to celebrate the love that you have for your FI and the life you want to build together. This life will be completely different from the lives of your mom, dad, and step parents. Stay strong and lean on your FI for support. This day is the beginning of your lives and it should start off just the way you want it.

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• morsi27

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I also agree.  Firm and direct is the only way to go.  But remember, she is your mother, and you don't want any bad blood on the day. 

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• mlprck27 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you for all of ur advice and kind words.  I really needed to step back for a little and relax.  I still feel bad that my step father feels hurt but I am going to stand my ground and do what I want on my day and honor my Dad the way he should be no matter what anyone says, thinks, or feels.  My step father will still be treated as a "Dad" in ever other way on that day.  I have taken some days off from speaking to my Mom and when I did talk to her again I kept monotone and told her exactly how I felt.  She indirectly almost tried to apologize haha ugh.  She is going to make my step father wear his tux and says he has to get over it (part of me wants to just tell him where he can go).  She's promised that the day will go off without a hitch and no hard feelings will be shown on our wedding day.  Everyone will be cordial and there for us.  Nice to hear but I'm not counting my chickens.  Oh and the two guests that they have added well lets just say I'm not allowed to tell my step father but if they come my Mom will pay for them (I'll take it but what a joke).  I told her that I will not argue with her anymore, that we are supposed to enjoy this time together, and I don't want to hear anymore negative things about anyone.  Trying to be strong and stay firm.  Thanks for helping me do that girls.  I needed that shove to stand up for myself a little bit more.  Here to hoping things can be happy from here on out. Especially since my shower in next Sunday!     

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• mlprck27 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  God, I want to cry for you. I went through- not a similar situation- but a similar family "meltdown" 2 weeks before my wedding- and don't you just feel like no one cares that its YOUR wedding??? They say they do- but they want it a certain way, and since they are your parents, that's the way it'll be. With my mom, I know she was really just upset with me growing up and getting married and starting to have a family of my own, so she was literally saying any mean thing she could to me because that's what she does- she gets scared and then gets angry for NO GOOD REASON! It sounds like everyone's starting to freak out about your wedding, and really mean things are being said. It's really really unfortunate, and I completely feel your pain.
  
  smor154 I am so sorry that you went thru something similar.  I am very glad to hear you had an amazing day and that everything worked out the way it was supposed to. 
  My Mom did the same thing with me when I moved out and got my first apartment.  It was total empty nest. She argued with me about everything and anything all the time.  I ended up doing all my first apartment shopping on my own with my best friend (who I'm so grateful for).  At first with the wedding I was thinking here we go again but then the past started to be thrown in my face and it got out of control and I knew it was a whole new animal I was dealing with.  All I can say is thank god I never gave my Mom my Father's phone number when she asked for it to "congratulate him on becoming an inlaw." That would've been disastrous.  

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• julieg753

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Oh honey -  I am so, so sorry for you.  I understand the frustration when you are being the adult and your parents are acting like the children.  They will not recognize this - it sounds like your mom & stepdad have been acting like your dad doesn't exist for the last 20-some years and now their personal fantasy world is being torn down because your dad is going to be present on your wedding day.  Your stepdad should be able to accept that the reason your DAD is walking you down the aisle is purely biological and no reflection on your relationship with either of them. 
  
  I suggest that you confront your mom's erratic behavior prior to your wedding day.   I think all this tux / guest drama is just a manifestation of their discomfort with your dad.  It needs to be addressed head-on or else the behavior could get worse! 
  
  Good luck - I feel for you!
  
  

  

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