2 fold question re: Children @ a wedding...

Re: 2 fold question re: Children @ a wedding...

• Jenni83

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I did not want children at my wedding,i have been to weddings where children were invited and all they did was cry,scream & run around(at one wedding they almost knocked the cake over).IMO weddings are not a place for kids.
  
  even after we made the no kids rule,my husband called his cousin to see what her "guest's" name was so i could address his favor and her reply to him "im going to bring my son as my guest" so that was an awkward issue.
  

  

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• kristinanddan member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-york-hudson-valley_2-fold-question-re-children-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:113Discussion:9d9b885b-5d74-4111-afe5-0fd6a1bbb9d4Post:c0ce7696-ee5a-42f8-a14d-c3c62f8df35b">2 fold question re: Children @ a wedding...</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hello Ladies - For those of you who have gotten married and for those of you about to.....what is / was your take on children at your wedding? Here's my issue... Since I have sent out my STD's several friends / coworkers of mine who have children have mentioned about bringing their children to my wedding?????  Whiich is a big HUH? to me. I don't like to assume and don't understand why people assume? Now in my world...if I did have children if an envelope was addressed to only me and my spouse and not AND FAMILY. I would not assume my children were invited to the wedding but apparently this has become my problem which puts me in an awkward position & truly didn't think it would be an issue. Surprise!  I've been to weddings where there were children attending  and it was a 3 ring circus. Don't get me wrong, while I absolutely love kids IMO a wedding is not the place for them.... communions, christenings, family b-day parties I can see.  Weddings uh no. So I  have 1 or 2 options in handling this and wanted to get your thoughts on it. This puts me in an awkward position and I feel funny about confronting people about this when I thought addressing and envelope to Mr. & Mrs made it clear so I guess not. Before my sationer prints up our invites....Have your or ever seen on a wedding invitation something to the effect of adults only?  My thought is to put somewhere on the invite or perhaps on the RSVP card maybe at the bottom in the corner to put...Please note this is an adults only wedding?  I don't like the wording no children allowed. If you think it's tacky for me to put that.....<strong>The suggestion my stationer said was on the RSVP to do this for example...for me to write in the name John & Jane Done .....we have a line where it says number of attending - she said to fill that in and put 2 and leave it up to those people whether to check Will attend or Declines with regrets? </strong> My only issue is then I have to go thru each name figuring out who has kids / who doesn't...who's rsvp i'm writing this on and in turn it then defeats my purpose for wanting th sationer to have everything printed out and all we have to do is slap a stamp on everything & call it a day. What I'm asking since I sincerely value all of your opinions what would you do if you were me and did you have this happen to you? Thanks so much for your input...as usual you guys have helped me every step of the way :-) -Lee
  Posted by MYLOVE315[/QUOTE]
  
  Your stationer is absolutely correct in that approach. Writing 'adults only' on the invite somewhere is just as rude as no kids allowed. You address the envelope to the people who are invited, and you can pre-fill the response card with the adults' names.
  
  I'm not sure what you mean where you say you'll have to figure out who has kids and who doesn't - just pre-fill all of the rsvp's if you're going to pre-fill any.
  
  Or, just address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. X. If they try and respond with Mr. and Mrs. X and their darling children, they're the ones being rude, and you would have to call and explain that only Mr. and Mrs. X were invited and you hope they can still make it.

  

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• TerriandJoe

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  So sorry you are going through this! You would think that the save the dates would have made it clear.
  
  Unfortunately for you it's not only family that are wondering, it's also friends. And co-workers!? That crosses some new etiquette line!

  
  

  Anyway, I'll tell you what we went through and then answer with an idea.
  
  When we got engaged, my niece was 2. She would end up being about 3 and a half for the wedding. Check! I have a perfect flower girl!
  
  And since she's the only kid in the family, she should be the only kid at the wedding! Life was working perfectly for me!
  
  She's family, has a 'job' at the wedding (FG), and their will be tons of people who can watch her throughout the night. and since our reception ended at 10, and when my sister spends the night at my parents the little one often doesn't go to bed until 9, (8 at home). so we figured that there wasn't that much time that she'd be up later than her bedtime. All was looking good!
  
  THEN...
  
  Once we announced our engagement to the family, (we got engaged Dec 23 and waited until Christmas to tell everyone), well my cousin made an announcement of her own... She was pregnant.
  
  A couple of months later my parents friends (who have  a 10 year old son) decide to move to another state.
  
  A girl friend of mine (who had a son the same age as my niece) ended up pregnant and due the date of our wedding.
  
  We did save the dates last year at this time. (About six months out)
  
  RE: my sister - STD and invite were addressed by name to sis, BIL and niece
  
  RE: my cousin and friend - their STD's and invites were addressed to Mr and Mrs only. (figured that would solve the issue)
  
  RE: my parents friends - invited them all. Outside envelopes (for STD and invite said. Mr and Mrs. John Smith. Insides said John. Mary and Johnny Smith. We figured, since they would have to travel from Ohio for our wedding, and their son was 10 (and I used to baby sit him) we figured it would be ok.
  
  All good, right? Now we had two kids at the wedding - my niece (the FG) and the kid of my parents friends who lived out of state and therefore had to travel.
  
  Everything is going good. Invites went out.
  
  Then the responses came back.
  
  My sister's invite - said 4 were coming - 4 ???? Sis, BIL and niece were 3. I DON'T WANT some friend of hers to play baby sitter which she had been throwing out there. (When she got married, BIL's sister had three kids and did have a baby sitter, but I did not want that) Their would be enough people to watch over FG.
  (My mom then pointed out that since my sister was now pregnant baby on the way was #4 . I calmed down.)
  
  Moving on...
  
  My cousin - checked off that they (Mr and Mrs) were attending. It was a check mark.
  
  My parent's friends - also a check mark. (We invited their son, so we counted them as three)
  
  My friend - said no because she was pregnant. We completely understood.
  
  Flash forward to my bachelorette party - the week before the wedding.
  
  I asked my aunt (who came) who was baby sitting my cousin's kid that night. She said he was coming with them. I was completely caught off guard. And was like "Oh, ok" My mom, asked who got invited  - I just said cousin and husband. she said, well they can't find a baby sitter. And he is family. AND cousin allowed niece to come to her wedding after seeing how quiet she was at her rehearsal. So I said ok. And talked to my aunt, she said that cousin's kid bounced along to music and would sleep most of the night. He was 10 months at our wedding, and was fine.
  
  Now we are up to three kids.
  
  Remember friend who said she couldn't come because she was pregnant? She had the baby early. And called me the night of our rehearsal dinner to ask if she and husband could come to our wedding. But she'd have to bring the baby because she was nursing. This was two days before our wedding! She called at 10pm at night on Thursday, and our wedding was taking place Saturday. Thankfully I still had to do table assignments - don't wait that long.
  
  But I listened to the message. talked to my parents since they were paying, they said since they were invited, it's ok. And the baby was only 10 days old, so would sleep most of the day.
  
  Ok - so baby fine, but what about the toddler.(The child the same age as my niece) I have seen that child in action, and I can completely understand that some children can be disruptive.

  
  So I called my friend back (it was close to 11pm at this point) and I said I would love to have her and husband at the wedding. And the BABY is totaly fine, because as it turned out my cousin is bringing her 10 month old. But the only CHILD that I planned to have at my wedding is my niece the FG. So are you sure you can find someone to watch your 3 year old? Are you sure? She said she will check with her mom. I said, ok ask your mom and make sure that she can watch your son. And let me know. We would love tyo have you and husband and would love to meet the baby! But definitly make sure that your mom can watch your son, and then I can call my catering hall and have them rearrange the room to add you two. (It was a quick phone call, but i wanted to clearly get it through to my friend that baby was fine, child was not). She called and said her mom can watch and all was ok.
  
  So we ended up having 4 children, when I only expected one.
  
  How was my wedding? It was fine.
  
  Both babies slept most of teh night.
  
  My niece was fine and fun and danced. And dozed off on my sisters lap at around 9:20pm.
  
  And my parents friends got their late because they read the date wrong, and ended up at dinner time. Their son (possibly due to having older parents is a well mannered 10 year old.)
  
  And my friend's mom was able to babysit. So I didn't have any potentially rowdy kids at my wedding.
  
  Anyway, my advice to you:
  
  1. Stand your ground. However, be considerate and take everything on a case-by- case basis. If you end up having any children at your wedding, (and you told other people "no kids") make sure their is a reason for each child that ends up coming.
  
  FG, RB, train pages, program passer -outers, junior bridesmaid, junior groomsman, your siblings kid, your FI's siblings kid, people flew 10 states to come to your wedding, people who drove 8 hours, you get the idea.
  
  Something. not a "well Susie's child is well behaved and your's isn't" that's not going to work.
  
  If it seems most are friends and co-workers - tell them - only family children can come.
  
  and if it's family member, use
  

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• Bat937

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  We had no children at our wedding.  We made it clear via word of mouth that no children would be invited, but since people usually don't 'get it'. we had our recception card clear state 'Adult Reception Only".  
  
  Anytime I have been to a wedding where there were children, no matter how many 'activities the bride and groom had for the kids, they ended up on teh dance floor, running amuck and basically ruinging it for the adults.

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• TerriandJoe

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Sorry - I didn't realize my response before was sooo long!
  
  Anyway, if it's a family member try to be sensitive. They probably believe that weddings are family events. And therefore, since children are family, they feel that their child should go.
  
  So, like with everyone else, come up with an across the boards reasoning that works.
  
  "We're trying to keep it to only adults, the only children that will be there are ones we've met" (This and the family-only line will more than likely cover most people. The only ones it won't are close family members)
  
  We have to keep our guest list small and our venue charges full price for anyone over 9" (Even if it's a lie, it will keep out anyone with older children who think kids are free at weddings)
  
  "The reception is going to end very late and we don't have a quiet room where kids can rest"
  
  The other thing regarding the invitations:
  
  Outside:
  
  Mr and Mrs John Smith
  
  Inside:
  
  John and Mary Smith
  
  Response card (all printed)
  
  Response
  
  The favor of a response is requested by Saturday, April 9, 2011
  
  ___ of 2 will be delighted to attend
  
  ___ of 2 regretfully decline
  
  That way (since assumably most of your responses are couples) you can have them all printed.
  
  For singles or any that you could just request a portion of your responses with:
  
  ___ of 1 will attend
  
  It's not perfect, but at least it's printed and that way, and hopefully it will be ok.
  (Single parents who you want to invite with "and guest" might be tricky. Because they might to choose to  have their "and guest" be their kid. So word of mouth using flattering reasoning, but still clear that you are seeking an adult-only reception.
  
  Hope this helps!
  
  Good Luck!
  
  
  PS - We ended up with four kids at our wedding. Two babies, my three year old niece and a 10 year old. Everything was fine. My FG was the only child who I planned on having there anyway. But, we also felt confident that because she spends lots of time with adults, and knew a lot of people,it would be ok. But she did cry at the rehearsal when we wanted her to walk down the aisle by herself. She walked with my sister and it was fine. But again, you never know.
  

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• TerriandJoe

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  The other thing, you don't want to make comments that are likely to come back at you.
  
  And the age of a child matters. And also how familiar the kid is with the other people.
  
  20 three years olds - could end up like a birthday party and chaos.
  
  One 6 year old little girl might be fascinated by your wedding and will gaze at the details and imagine her own day to be a princess.
  
  But an 8 year old boy, who would rather be with his friends, might be in a grumpy, temper-trantrum-esqe mood all day.
  
  So it all depends.
  
  But, it's your wedding, stand your ground. hope it all works out!
  

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• mrsredmoose

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Since you are not inviting any children, it'll be easier. If you are very concerned, so the route kristenanddan suggested. The decision you and FI made is valid and needs to be respected. Try not to feel guilty when you reinforce your decision.
  
  FWIW, we had 10 children (ages 2 - 10) at our wedding and no problems. They actually added a lot to the night with their cuteness and energy on the dance floor.  Every wedding is different; having children present worked for us, but that was our choice.  We had a "rule" (OOT guests, immediate family and WP's children) regarding the invites though. We are in our 30s and 40s and could not extend the invite to evey friends child- it would have been ridiculous and the adults would have been outnumbered.
  
  Wow, Terri- a lot of drama with the kiddie invites; I really lucked out not getting pushed that much by guests. Only 2 asked us if they could bring their children.
  
  Good luck!
  

  

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• JSweetieXO

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  we are inviting no children...the only one who MIGHT be there is my 2nd cousin becuase they are from out of state and I cannot expect my cousin to leave her 5 year old with a sitter for a weekend.

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• Riss91 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  We solved this problem by having our RSVP say:
  
  2 Seats have Been Reserved in Your Honor
  
  
  Mr. John Doe
  Accepts             Declines
  
  
  Mrs. Jane Doe
  Accepts             Declines
  
  
  
  We wrote in the names and then they had to check the box. It was a lot of work (we made our own invites) but it was worth it in the end because not one person was mistaken about who we were inviting.
  

  
  

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• MYLOVE315 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Wow you guys ROCK! Thank you so much for all of your advice. I don't feel so alone so alone in not wanting children at my wedding-
  
  Like I said as much as I love kids it just isn't the place for them.
  
   I think I'm going to have to suck it up and do what Kristinanddan suggested as well as Riss 91.... I'm trying to avoid at all cost having to call people out on their ignorance. I shouldn't have to but apparently this is what I'm up against.
  For one,  I really just can't afford it. At this time in our lives pretty much ALL of our guests have children. I myself  come from a big family would love to have my extended family there but we just can't swing it. Even at my other sister's wedding my nieces and nephew were the flower girls and ring bearer - after they were announced at the recepton they were whisked away right after that. Not that we don't love them but even way back when my sisters didn't feel it was right for them to trip the light fantastic withthe rest of us - there's a time and a place for everything! This just wasn't it - nor will my wedding be it! These very same nieces & nephews that were flower girls and the ring bearer way back when and will now be in MY wedding but all grown up as adults - so surreal its crazy. My FI even has a 3 yr old nephew / Godson - he's adorarable but we're not having him in the wedding party as adorable as he is (not sure how this is going to fly w/ my FI brother and his wife since they feel the world shifted on its axis when this child was born! so we're up against that too!...My FI's mom keeps pressing for us to have his nephew as the ring bearer. We decided from the very beginning. No children - not even his own nephew - he's too little. The priest even brought it up and highly recco'd we not have children - he said it's a recipe for diaster. As for my FI's mom we just haven't told her yet...when she brought it up we said we'll think about it. She's been ill since the beginning of the Summer so we just don't want to burst her bubble. All in due time we'll have to break the news to her...ugh.
  
  I'm going to stand my ground on this which is very hard. to do for me.... I'm not the kind of person to stamp my feet  and scream  it's my day! -- BUT technically it is haha. I look at it this way....I've got one shot at a wedding...this is the day of all days for ME - nothing bigger has ever happened to me and I want it to be the way I've always envisioned it ....children at my wedding were never in my purview.
  So there ya have it.
  
  Thank you ALL so very much for helping me once again. I value your opinon greatly and appreciate the time you took to write me back.
  
  Sincerely -
  Lee
  

  

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• manda26

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  I didnt have kids at the wedding, even the RB didnt go to the reception (his mom/my sister) didnt want him to be there, she said she wanted to have a good time with adults that night.
  
  Luckily, both of our families generally have a no kids at weddings rule so no one gave us issues. We addressed each invite to who was invited and never put "adults only" anywhere. I had one friend invited sans guest and she asked if that meant only her and I said yes - she thought about brininging her 9 yr old (my God son). She gave me a bit of an attitude but nothing too bad and I stood firm "Oh sorry, I dont really think a wedding is an appropriate place for kids" and that was that. good luck!!
  

  

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• kristinanddan member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Good luck! Just make sure your parents are on board - my mom's cousin asked if she could bring her daughter (she's 6 or so) and my mom said yes without asking me, then didn't see anything wrong with the fact that only one kid out of the 20 or so in our families would be there.

  

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• MYLOVE315 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks Kristen - Unfortunately my parents have passed and my FI only has his mom.
  
  We're paying for the entire wedding with no help at all. While we respect his Mom and her POV we're adamant - we love all the kids in our family but can not afford or wish to have them at our wedding. Whoever makes it to the wedding will inevitablly be the ones who were "meant" to be there.
  
  Thanks for your advice.
  

  

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• altimat873 member

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Rude or not rude, we went with the "Adults Only" on the invite so there is no confusion about my guest list and who is invited.

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• TerriandJoe

  

  December 2010 edited December 2011

  Hope it works out for you!
  
  Just want to clarify my insanely long posts - I did WANT my niece there. But, she was the only child I ever planned on being at the wedding. (To anyone who asked if we were having children at the wedding "My niece Susie is our flower girl, and she's the only child who will be there")
  
  Our wedding ended up fine, but I can see how it can be an issue.
  
  Especially if the children aren't well behaved. Or if their parents expect "someone" will be watching them.
  
  And as it turned out, my sister even says she feels as though she missed alot of my wedding because she was watching "Susie" all night. I figured that since there would be 12 people there who had babysat her, who she knew, it would give my sister a break. But at the end of the day, Susie wanted her mommy. So we have pictures of my sister sitting at the table with my niece because she was tired, while the rest of us are dancing. My niece needed to go to the bathroom, so my sis missed our cake cutting, etc.
  
  So remind those parents that it would be hard for them if their kids were there, and don't they want to enjoy your wedding?!
  
  GL!
  
  
  

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