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Help! MOB disagrees w Catholic ceremony, pulls financial contribution.

raquelkelraquelkel
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
Here's the picture:

Fiance (boyfriend of 8 years) is a confirmed Catholic. I'm not a particular denomination. I want to become Catholic and start our family under one reglion.

The problem:

My mom "put her foot down" and said no contribution and no father walking me down the isle if the wedding is in a Catholic church.

Here's the confusion:

My parents don't go to church. And they keep suggesting we become Lutheran as a "happy medium" between Non-Denominational and Catholic.

On top of it all ... both of my parents were baptised Catholic as infants and they've jumped between religions throughout the last 20 years.

I want my family to be one, consistent religion.

Bottom Line:

It's the label that bothers them. And they're ignorant. So reason and negotiation is not an option.

What should I do?

A) Take out a loan for the $ my parents are taking back? And move on without them.

B) Try to reason with my unreasonable parents? (Trust me ... this won't be easy)

C) Try to convince my new in-laws that we should reduce the guest count since the budget was cut in half.

D) Threaten my parents the way they've threatened me? (Really not an option ... just being funny)

E) Your suggestions!
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Re: Help! MOB disagrees w Catholic ceremony, pulls financial contribution.

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    leahskinner1leahskinner1 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmm.. this is tough!

    I suppose that if they are going to put conditions on their financial contributions that you don't agree with, then the best way to stay true to yourself and what you want in your life (religion is a big part of life, not just a wedding), then you should make arrangements (whether a loan or modifying the wedding) that will allow you to continue with your wedding, your way.
     
    However, I would still try and reconcile with them so that it doesn't cause you any heartache. Let them know this is your decision, that you won't ask for any financial help but that you still would like them to consider your point of view. Maybe when they see that you are serious about this, they will realize that it is your life and your decision.

    If you are thinking about reducing the guest list to cut costs at this point, keep in mind that your parents have given up their right to have input in the wedding if they are not contributing, and so maybe some of their friends (less of a connection to you) can be cut.

    Sorry, this is long, but last thing. I would be careful about they ways you discuss this with your inlaws, so that a financial-driven rift is not started between your sets of parents - this is a life-long family you are creating together! Maybe have a clear outcome from your parents before presenting your inlaws with the issues.

    Good luck!!
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Your parents shouldn't try to force their religious ideas on you and your fi. But they are also not obligated to pay for your wedding.

    I'm curious about the C) option. Are your future in-laws contributing to the wedding budget? If they are, you should work with them to plan a wedding that is within your and their budget.

    I would not consider any of your other options.

    By the way, black font is much easier to read than all those colors.
                       
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, Leah!

    Your note is extremely helpful.

    Thankfully, the fiance agreed that we can take on a loan, if necessary. However, that's plan B.

    I agree that a non-financial discussion about this decision should help my parents understand the seriousness.

    And my soon-to-be in-laws don't know about this disagreement. It would really upset them (religion and finance-wise). I am, however, concerned about the lack of say-so I'm able to have about the wedding since my parents aren't contributing. It just doesn't seem fair to want if I can't give ... 

    Thank you, thank you and thank you for your insight. It's so beneficial!
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi Maire,

    We never expected our parents to contribute. My future in-laws and my parents agreed to offer (contribute) an equal amount. And then my parents pulled out.

    Sorry about the colors. Just wanted to break up the sections.

    Thanks for the advice!
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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Cut the guest list to what you can afford. If your parents think they can threaten you and get away with it now, what happens when you try to raise their grandchildren in a religion.

    Your husband is a Catholic and he wants to marry in his church. You also want to. IT's so unfair for your parents to do this. They don't have to pay, that's ok. But to suggest your FI give up his ceremony to make them happy is quite rude.

    EDIT:

    I would not mention any of this to anyone outside of your FI and your parents. No one else needs to know. The parents of your FI can simply be told there will be no other help with the $$ but not why. Best to avoid hurt and possible negative feelings.

    I hope your parents soften a bit when they see you are going through with it anyway. A happy medium isn't switching religions but maybe not having a full mass.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    raquel:  It's unfortunate that your parents are pulling such foolishness and manipulation on you.  I've been both MOG and MOB, and I don't know why parents do such things to their children.

    Now:  my advice:  you speak to them very, very calmly so that you sound mature and responsible (which you are).  "Mom, Dad, we understand that you have strong feelings about where we are married, but this is our decision and we've made up our minds.  We're being married in the Catholic Church.  We hope that you'll come to a place of understanding and perhaps even support because our decision is final."

    "If you feel that you won't financially assist us, then we're going to scale back our plans and have the wedding we can afford.  Dad, I hope you'll reconsider about not walking me down the aisle because I'd be honored to have that moment together.  But if you won't, I'll still be walking down the aisle of our Catholic church.  I love you both, and you've raised me to make responsible decisions, and I feel that's what I'm doing."

    If they pull their financial support, scale back the wedding.  Have a smaller party.  But please, DON'T take out a loan to pay for a wedding.  It just doesn't make financial sense AT ALL to start your marriage in debt for a party that while lovely and fun, isn't necessary.

    Good luck to you.  I hope your parents come around.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi blush64,

    I'm hopeful that we can take care of the Catholic religion issue (marriage & grandchildren) before the wedding.

    My main concern is that it may not be about the actual religion. It may just be a MOB issue.

    After dissecting the last few conversations with my mom, I've realized she's looking for some attention ... ignoring me, not looking at me when I walk into the same room, etc.

    Just not sure if I have the energy to pacify her throughout the planning process. We haven't even set a definite date and she's already being dramatic.

    Thanks for your help!
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi trix1223,

    Thanks for the advice. I need to stay firm in our decision as well as ask them to stay involved, no matter what.

    I'll even have to keep your quotes. They're to-the-point.

    Thank you a million times for your advice and wishes.
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    blush64blush64 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You know, that could be it. Sometimes when my mom is feeling left out she will do or say things she doesn't mean or say them a lot more harshly than she would normally.

    I hope she starts to feel better about things and that this is resolved so you have less to worry about as the day draws near.

    The family of my ex was very anti-Catholic and it made things very difficult throughout everything. I guess I'm a bit sensitive about things because of it. BUT my sister married a man whose family was pretty much opposed to any religion but they learned to accept things and they are happier than anything. So, it can work.
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    cdavislynncdavislynn
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be clam, and simply tell them that you are an adult, and you will be making your own choices about what religion you practice, how you raise your children with your husband, etc., and since you have the right to make these decisions, you also have the right to be married in the church of your choice. I would just tell them simply "We plan on getting married at ______ church. Since you are my parents, I hope that you can bring yourselves to support me on this very important day in my life." Then, you and fiance pay for the wedding so you don't feel any obligation whatsoever to follow someone's else's religious choices. If they are going to financially contribute, then they have a right to influence certain wedding choices (such as what people will eat for dinner), but they do not have say over what religion you decide to get married in. That is going way too far.
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    hoffsehoffse member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Having faced a lot of anti-Catholic sentiment in my life, I understand that it's not only hurtful but it can be extremely frustrating.  If you've only heard your mom's side, you might want to talk to your dad too to see if this is a real feeling they have or if it's something that she's doing for attention.  I'm not sure she can tell you that your dad won't walk you down the aisle... that's on him, whether they contribute or not.  Best of luck, and I hope you get through to them that this is your choice, and they need to accept it before you have children in the Church.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Another MOB here - so very sorry for your situation.

    I must say ditto my buddy Trix.  She hit all the points and did it well.  Her advice has you showing your parents respect (even though I think they are being quite disprespectful to you and FI), sets boundaries, and doesn't throw the gauntlet down and back everyone into a corner.

    Trix, my dear - that was a masterpiece of advice.
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    trix1223trix1223 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Awwww, thanks kmm!  Good to have you back. You've been missed.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    cmcurriscmcurris member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Help! MOB disagrees w Catholic ceremony, pulls financial contribution.:
    [QUOTE]I would be clam, and simply tell them that you are an adult, and you will be making your own choices about what religion you practice, how you raise your children with your husband, etc., and since you have the right to make these decisions, you also have the right to be married in the church of your choice. I would just tell them simply "We plan on getting married at ______ church. Since you are my parents, I hope that you can bring yourselves to support me on this very important day in my life." Then, you and fiance pay for the wedding so you don't feel any obligation whatsoever to follow someone's else's religious choices. If they are going to financially contribute, then they have a right to influence certain wedding choices (such as what people will eat for dinner), but they do not have say over what religion you decide to get married in. That is going way too far.
    Posted by cdavislynn[/QUOTE]

    Yay clams!
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Listen to Mama trix. She is wise.
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Update: My mom is telling my sister that she never claimed to pull her financial contribution.

    What?!

    I'm really beginning to think she is feeling left out. We do spend a lot of time with my FI's family and since they've done the wedding planning about 10x within the last year, they've been a great idea bank. I need to give my mom some undivided attention.
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks, cdavislynn!

    Your advice is so appreciated. Now all I need is the courage to discuss this sensitive issue with a sensitive mother. Wish me luck! :)
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi hoffse.

    Thanks for the sentiment.

    I'm hoping my parents will realize that it isn't a light issue that can be swayed by game playing or pouting ... and religion is an important choice between a couple.
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi, kmmssg.

    I agree! Trix is on the ball. Her advice is well formed and gave me a little shiver. Now I just have to plan a casual opportunity to discuss everything with the MOB.
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi, djhar.

    You're right. It's not about the money or the actual wedding. It's about what happens afterward.

    I've explained to them that we want to share the same religion for our future family but it may need to be in a more serious frame.
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    raquelkelraquelkel
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hi, MissySue20! I totally agree with ya.
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