Can I just vent for a minute?

melntaitt · February 2012

My MOH contacted my FILs (FMIL and her sisters) because she got a wind that they were planning their own shower. She wanted to host a joint shower with them and I thought it was a nice gesture; they politely declined.

In any case I received a call from FMIL today (which I missed) and it was basically informing me that they were hosting their own shower for me and my friends and family weren't invited. It went something like this:

"We just want you guys to have your own fun shower. We just want to have a more grown up shower for you, so have fun!"

My shower is at a very nice wine club in town and I didn't think it wasn't grown up at all. To be quite frank, I'm actually a little insulted that my friends and family aren't invited; I love them and I want them there.

In any case, I will have to have this very uncomfortable conversation politely declining their shower, but I'm just a little upset. I can't imagine why they would think not inviting my friends and family to a party in my honor is ok. My MOH is being very supportive and told me that it might just be their way of including me in their family and I love Mitchy but that's BS.

Anyways, thanks for letting me rant for awhile.

julbgordo · February 2012

Have you spoken to her directly yet? Or are you just going off of what was said on the voicemail? From just the voicemail, It doesn't sound to me like your friends and family aren't invited. I think you need to talk to her before getting upset.

courtneyclare103 · February 2012

I can get her wanting to host her own shower and the majority of the people she invites being her family and friends, but to not allow any of your close family/friends to come at all is just rude. Why would you want to go to a party in your honor with only people (I assume) you hardly know? I know in my case I know FI's aunts and cousins and a couple of FMIL's friends, but I would feel really uncomfortable without any of my own family or friends around. Maybe you could express your concerns and ask if you could invite at least a couple people from your immediate family? I mean, if my FMIL hosted a shower for me I would at least expect her to invite my mom, grandma, and MOHs.

CvilleClaire · February 2012

Why decline? Many people have showers that cover different sides of the family. Your MIL is probably excited to introduce you to her friends and gather the women on her side of the family together to welcome you.

At a shower hosted by your friends, she probably wouldn't get to do that, since she'd be a guest, not the host.

As a bridesmaid, I was actually relieved when I was off the hook for multiple showers. One of my friends had three and it was a pain to be devoting one weekend after another to showers.

DrPB2b13 · February 2012

I totally understand why that would upset you; the voicemail sounds a little snippy in text, and somewhat judgmental of your MOH.

However, I do agree with PPs; I would definitely talk to her directly and find out what her plans/traditions are, if she's willing to share them with you. Maybe it is a tradition in her family that the FMIL hosts a shower for her side of the family only, or perhaps she knows that her family will be really uncomfortable having to mix with yours for more than just the wedding only. Either way, try to give her the benefit of the doubt for a little bit, and see what comes of it before declining her offer.

melntaitt · February 2012

I talked to her just now and she told me that her sisters want to have a co-ed shower because the wedding isn't just about me - which I get and that's fine. My FI is a little worried because he's having a bachelor party in NYC with his brother and buddies and I sure as hell am not invited to that and he wants no part of my shower.

I asked her why my friends weren't invited or my family or my MOH and they said it's a gathering for her side of the family and she hopes that I will understand. Is it a tradition? No, they just want their own thing for their family so there's that.

Here's where it's getting complicated - her sisters want to invite their friends, "to introduce them to the newest member of their family" and I said absolutely not. First, my friends can't come but theirs can? Second, nobody is coming that isn't invited to the wedding; I will not adjust my plans to accomodate additional guests it just won't happen. She didn't seem sold, so I'm going to have to wait and see.

When FI gets home we're going to have a conversation about the conversation he's going to have with his mother.

Zimsgirl · February 2012

Yeah that's not right. I would decline too

SheilaDancer43 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_can-just-vent-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:14926863-debc-4a4d-a544-f1484e21e53dPost:72eeb674-d6e1-4dd7-a670-d7bdf54b0ce8">Re: Can I just vent for a minute?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why decline? Many people have showers that cover different sides of the family. Your MIL is probably excited to introduce you to her friends and gather the women on her side of the family together to welcome you. At a shower hosted by your friends, she probably wouldn't get to do that, since she'd be a guest, not the host. As a bridesmaid, I was actually relieved when I was off the hook for multiple showers. One of my friends had three and it was a pain to be devoting one weekend after another to showers.
Posted by CvilleClaire[/QUOTE]

I agree. While I understand why you would be upset, and it would be nice if you could have friends/family there, a lot of people host their own showers for the bride and groom, which means they can invite (or not invite) whomever they want. If your FMIL is hosting you one from her side, and your MOH wants to host you one with your family and friends, I don't really see a problem. You still get showers, and each one will in the end include everyone you would want at your shower (just not all at the same one).

melntaitt · February 2012

I don't know how to feel about it I guess; I always think of a shower as your closest friend and family getting together and it's not just about the presents. I like my FI's family, but I don't know if I feel comfortable sitting there opening presents in a group of strangers; it just doesn't feel right to me.

I really do appreciate the gesture and my MOH is willing to have my close girlfriends just have the bachelorette party that she would host. I just don't know how to be in a situation like that. Alot of people are social butterflies that can adjust well in these types of situations; I just don't know if I can smile through an afternoon with FI's family opening presents with them and their friends. I would as soon turn it down.

DrPB2b13 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_can-just-vent-minute?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:14926863-debc-4a4d-a544-f1484e21e53dPost:5da4028f-4ef1-45ac-8282-ed89ad2aa764">Re: Can I just vent for a minute?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how to feel about it I guess; I always think of a shower <strong>as your closest friend and family getting together and it's not just about the presents. I like my FI's family, but I don't know if I feel comfortable sitting there opening presents in a group of strangers; it just doesn't feel right to me.</strong> I really do appreciate the gesture and my MOH is willing to have my close girlfriends just have the bachelorette party that she would host. I just don't know how to be in a situation like that. Alot of people are social butterflies that can adjust well in these types of situations; I just don't know if I can smile through an afternoon with FI's family opening presents with them and their friends. I would as soon turn it down.
Posted by melntaitt[/QUOTE]

Would you feel comfortable thanking her for her generous offer, but telling her that you would prefer a short get-together/meet-n-greet rather than a typically labeled "shower"?

acaponi87 · February 2012

I dunno. My FMIL is hosting a shower for us. The BMs will be invited and probably my mom (but my mom and FMIL are friends and have been for 20+ years). I wouldn't decline but maybe you can ask her if a few of your family members can come?

kelsey+brandon · February 2012

FMIL and FSIL are hosting me a shower and it's going to be just FI's side of the family. I think the only person invited from my side is going to be my mom (because if FI can't be there, then my mom surely will be).

I think it's normal for each side to host their families. Your MOH isn't going to invite your FI's family and their friends to the shower that she's throwing for her. It's just a good way to have two separate showers without having to invite duplicates.

melntaitt · February 2012

Would you feel comfortable thanking her for her generous offer, but telling her that you would prefer a short get-together/meet-n-greet rather than a typically labeled "shower"?

I like this idea better though; and I think it would save some hurt feelings if we did it this way. I could get to know them and I wouldn't feel guilty about taking presents from them; it would be a social gathering. Thanks Dr. Pb!

courtneyclare103 · February 2012

On a slightly different but related note, I'd actually never heard of each side hosting different showers until I came to the Knot. Around here there is usually one shower and the bride and groom's families are invited. If someone has more than one shower it's because they have a shower at work or church or something. Each side hosting their own is foreign to me!

melntaitt · February 2012

I'd actually never heard of each side hosting different showers until I came to the Knot. ~ CourtneyClare

I kinda knew but never actually did it myself; or maybe I just never got invited to the other one.

Compromising for my MOH to host the bachelorette party for my closest girlfriends and FMIL and her sisters to have the bridal shower. For me it doesn't make sense to commit two days to getting presents; I'm taking the 1 1/2 hour drive for the shower with my FI and just leaving it at that. They are not budging on allowing my girlfriends (all 8 of them ) or my MOH to come so I'm letting this one go...

The worst part is that I know this is very important to FI's family and it isn't worth the drama with the FILs.

kaitlinmainhart · February 2012

You are a much bigger person than I am. I agree that giving in can make things so much easier, but I usually can't bring myself to do it. I deal with these power plays from my future in laws all the time and it is super stressful. There is no way your mother and MOH at the very least should not be invited to attend, it seems odd to me that they are throwing a party in your honor and not trying to make you comfortable. I would send my fiance in and see if he could help the situation. Good luck with the whole situation!

michellep1 · February 2012

I don't think its strange at all for your FI's family to throw you a shower; I do however think that it's odd to not invite your mother & MOH. My FMIL is throwing me a shower, and I just assumed that my mother & sister will be invited. If they're not, I'll probably feel just as uncomfortable as you're feeling. I hope this works out for you!

Can I just vent for a minute?

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