Do you think this is scary?

melb2013 · November 2012

We all know I think FSIL is a biatch. Yes, she is... totally... but I still somewhat feel badly for her- she obviously has major problems. Her (now) husband is a complete, controlling, a**hole. When she first starting dating dating him, we noticed how controlling he was and how often he put her down. My FI was worried about her and said something to her, and she went into major denial mode, but we noticed her husband starting acting a little nicer when we were around. He's was still an a**hole, but he seemed like less of an abusive a**hole.

A few other things that changed when she started dating him

1. She, who rarely used to drink, started drinking daily

2. She used to wear makeup almost daily, but her husband doesn't like her with makeup, so she stopped wearing it

3. She has a very large chest- that is a fact. But her husband doesn't like her showing cleavage, so she started covering up like crazy

4. She lost contact with most of her friends

5. She literally overnight when from being pretty rebellious and non-religious, to being super religious

For the above reasons, we've definitely been worried about her.

Today, just a little over a week from when she got married, she sends me all these facebook requests to delete photos of her. These were photos of her with guys that she casually dated, or photos with a little bit of cleavage showing. She told me they were inappropriate. So I deleted them, but I did ask why she couldn't just untagg herself (duh like a normal person). She said she didn't want photos like that "floating around the internet". I said that I was sure there were pics of me and ex bfs around the internet and she said I should delete them before I got married. I was like ummm D doesn't care... it's not like I'm advertising them... I'm not even tagged in any of them, but I would never ask someone to delete them.

Do you think the facebook picture thing is a sign of a controlling husband? Is it scary? Just looking for opinions for my own curiosity. There's honestly nothing we can do about it- she's heard my FI's worries and I just pray that if something bad happens, she'll feel she can come to us.

FLGatorGal88 · November 2012

yea something is up... It seemed kinda random either he may have said something in the past or he said something recently to get her to delete those pictures. I dont really see the big deal is picture from the past. Hopefully she knows that she can come to you and your FI if she ever needs your help.

TogetherPerfect · November 2012

I agree with PP... Seems like he said something to get her to delete them. Hopefully it doesn't get anymore out of control.

aprahamian2 · November 2012

Ditto PPs. I wonder if she is happy in her new marriage?

PJBHL5 · November 2012

Yes, controlling. Absolutely.
It's funny b/c not wanting photos of your SO with their ex is more typically a girl response than a guy response. I'll never understand it, either way tho.

Danny&Mel2003 · November 2012

In Response to Re:Do you think this is scary?:[QUOTE]Yes, controlling. Absolutely.It's funny b/c not wanting photos of your SO with their ex is more typically a girl response than a guy response. I'll never understand it, either way tho. Posted by PJBHL5[/QUOTE]

Yes ... although I wouldn't want pix of me an my exes on fb either or Fi with his exes. The cleavage thing that's a little much. I have seen that people change when growing in a relationship some for the better and some for the worse until the person in the relationship sees it it will never change.

rswans · November 2012

I feel like considering his history, it could be him. However, I know a lot of women who feel like once they get married, they need to change how they present themselves to the world as "a married woman" (what they'll wear especially when out without their husband, who they'll talk to, who they'll go out to eat with alone, etc). She may feel that way about things too.

hisbabygirl76 · November 2012

Reading this made me cringe and I had to reply. I spent 18yrs in an abusive relationship with a very controlling man. Those signs are very typical of an abusive person. They are pretty good signs. The drastic changes to make him happy so he doesnt get mad. The wanting no one to ever look at her and let her be attractive. Cutting off ties to family and friends because they could pick up on the controlling. Please please keep an eye on her. I know I have joked with you about her being a Bridezilla and she obviously has some issues (which makes her easy prey for a controlling man, I know because my insecurities made me a perfect target too). This just makes me so sad.

melb2013 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_do-you-think-this-is-scary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:feacffe5-fdb0-4230-a572-02c34c4cbca8Post:04e3adbd-e4b1-49b7-991f-2e42f34769f0">Re: Do you think this is scary?</a>:
[QUOTE]Reading this made me cringe and I had to reply. I spent 18yrs in an abusive relationship with a very controlling man. Those signs are very typical of an abusive person. They are pretty good signs. The drastic changes to make him happy so he doesnt get mad. The wanting no one to ever look at her and let her be attractive. Cutting off ties to family and friends because they could pick up on the controlling. Please please keep an eye on her. I know I have joked with you about her being a Bridezilla and she obviously has some issues (which makes her easy prey for a controlling man, I know because my insecurities made me a perfect target too). This just makes me so sad.
Posted by hisbabygirl76[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I couldn't agree more. When my FI and I started noticing signs, he wasn't sure if he should say anything to her. One of my mother's friends was in an abusive marriage for 10 years so I talked to her and her answer was "I wish someone had said something to me before I married him. I don't know if I would have listened, but it would have been good to know that people cared enough to tell me." FI decided to talk to her about it, but she denied any changes... it is scary and I do feel badly for her. I know that her parents have even expressed concerns to her, but she insists that her husband is "the perfect man and everyone loves him". She goes overboard to talk about how perfect and wonderful he is. </div><div>
</div><div>She does drive me crazy (a lot!), but I can see that she has very deep issues, which usually makes me get past my anger or frustration with her.

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hisbabygirl76 · November 2012

Sadly it sounds like she is very deep and wont see the light until something drastic happens. Just be there for her as best you can (even when she is all crazy SIL on you). Like your mom's friend I too wish my family/friends tried harder to make me see how stupid I was being. But also like your friends I cant say I would have listened.

SSaltzman87 · November 2012

YES!

A lot worse is probably happening behind closed doors. I have friends who have been in abusive relationship, and I was in one several years ago. The guy I was with didn't physically hurt me- like hitting or anything, but more verbally abusive and incredibly jealous/controlling.

Do you guys know how his parents feel about it, or if they even have a bad feeling about this guy?

SRRL18 · November 2012

I agree with everyone else. Please keep a close eye on her, this is not good.

melb2013 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_do-you-think-this-is-scary?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:feacffe5-fdb0-4230-a572-02c34c4cbca8Post:3517e5ed-a215-4181-b884-46d20cde38b3">Re: Do you think this is scary?</a>:
[QUOTE]YES! A lot worse is probably happening behind closed doors. I have friends who have been in abusive relationship, and I was in one several years ago. The guy I was with didn't physically hurt me- like hitting or anything, but more verbally abusive and incredibly jealous/controlling. Do you guys know how his parents feel about it, or if they even have a bad feeling about this guy?
Posted by SSaltzman87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>FI's parents have an abusive history- it is common in Indian culture for men to hit their wives, but in their case, it stopped when they came to the US and I know her mother worries about her and this relationship. </div><div>Honestly, when I first found out about the abuse, I took myself to a psychologist to talk to someone and see if I was putting myself in danger by being with someone whose father had been abusive towards his mother. The counseling reassured me that my relationship was just fine and that FI did not have any abusive tendencies, but both FI and I worry that his sister is following in her parent's footsteps. My FI actually said to her that he fears that although she intellectually knows it's wrong, he's not sure she really feels that it's wrong. She said she would never let someone physically hurt her, but I know he has emotionally hurt her already and I believe it will lead to physical harm.

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