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MOB Vent (a little long)

AshJohnson30AshJohnson30 member
100 Comments Second Anniversary
in Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth
I was watching one of my videographer's videos (cause I'm an extreme stalker and i love seeing what new stuff he has lol) and my mom started asking me if we had decided on our songs. We've thrown some options around but haven't decided yet so I told her just that. Should be a great convo right? NO. Her response "Well you don't tell me anything unless I ask so I just wanted to know"

There are so many things wrong with this statement. I've updated BOTH my mother and FI's mother on everything we do. I even ask my mom's opinion on numerous things (makeup, car rental, vendors, ceremony details, the list goes on). I don't talk about a song selection to her and she gets sensitive?! Blah!

So I tell her I'm not leaving her out of anything there are just details I think are small that I may not mention. Her response this time "You live here though I understand why FI's mom wouldn't know everything but I'm right here" That frustrated me completely. I understand she wants to know what's going on but every little detail? Especially when she has had more a part in planning that anyone else (next to FI of course). As husband and wife she won't know every decision we make.

Is she becoming a momzilla? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
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Re: MOB Vent (a little long)

  • angelsong21angelsong21 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    It doesn't sound to me like she wants to know every little detail.  It sounds to me like she feels like you are talking to FI's mom more about the wedding than you are to her, and for that she feels left out, hurt, and maybe a little jealous.  Part of marriage for both your parents and FI's parents is "losing" their children in a sense.  H's mom seemingly became VERY upset when he listened to me on a health issue instead of taking her advice.  She hardly spoke to me for months.  It wasn't because I was wrong but rather because she felt like her thoughts and opinions now had less impact, she wasn't as important to him, etc.  Essentially, she was "losing" her baby to me.

    To me, it seems like your mom doesn't want to lose you.  Maybe she feels like you're slipping away from her a little bit and now you have another mother/father figure in your life and that's really difficult for her.  She wants to know she's still important to you and that you are still very close.  She can't feel that way if her impression is that you are talking to FMIL more than her about wedding stuff, whether that's actually true or not.

    I feel like I'm not explaining myself well here, but I can't figure out how else to word all this at 2:00 AM.  ;-)  My recommendation would be to tell her (if you're comfortable) that you don't mind at all if she asks you questions about the wedding plans, but that a lot of these decisions are minute and sometimes you just make them on your own without consulting FMIL or MOB.  You don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings, you just didn't realize that she was wanting to know every little detail.  Just tell her if there's something that's important to her, that she should just ask you and you can talk about it.  Is there anything you guys could do together just to spend some quality time together?
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  • AshJohnson30AshJohnson30 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    You explained it very well! :-) She's given us advice or helped on almost everything and now all FI and I have left are the small things. I like your idea of asking her if something is important to her so we can talk about it. That may help her feel less like she's losing me.
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  • angelsong21angelsong21 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Oh good, I love when I actually make sense, lol!  I can't tell if your mom is assuming FMIL knows more details than she does or if it was mentioned that FMIL knew something already that your mom didn't know about.  There's really a couple ways to handle this based on the actual circumstances, but either way I think if you can keep an understanding of how your mom might be feeling right now, you'll be okay no matter which route you choose.
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  • professorscienceprofessorscience member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I completely agree with Amy!
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  • AshJohnson30AshJohnson30 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    Thanks so much guys! :-)
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  • roseofdeborahroseofdeborah
    500 Comments
    edited July 2012
    I am going through the same thing. I just had a lunch from hell with my dad who brought up that my mom is upset at me because she doesnt' feel like she's been as included as most MOB's are. I think that he's lying because he does that so I ask her if she feels left out and she says yes she feels like she's not very included.....I call my mom every single day (which is a big change from the once a month before the wedding planning stuff) to update her and get her opinions on thigns and see what things are happening with her and her friend who are doing some of the decorating planning.

    I realized that I really only have 3 weeks that I have to deal with people's feelings getting hurt for one reason or another so I told her I was sorry and tried to make things better and moved on. My mom has felt like Momzilla through this time, but I think that's pretty normal. My mom has waited 42 years, since her first child was born but never got married till me to plan a wedding. She's 70 years old and only going to have this experience once, so I can't really blame her for feeling like she is owed to be apart of this too.
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