Navy Bride

wraith1288 · June 2010

My fiance' is in the NROTC program at a University were 5 hrs apart. I'm so excited to travel with him after were married. I love him so much and I know we can get through the long distance part. We've been in a long distance realtionship for 2 1/2 years and will be together for 4 years in November and so far were doing really great

We see eachother during our breaks and talk on the phone literally everyday and webcam also.

What will it really be like when I'm married to an Officer in the Navy after he commissions and were married right after?

Im kinda nervous to be on our own away from our family and friends were so used to. I'm anxious at the same time.

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

I think the best advice is to not think of his rank as your rank. As an Ensign, he's very low on the food chain.

I mean this in the nicest of ways, but don't let his salutes go to your head. When they salute your car (if your base doesn't have civilians) it helps to remember they are saluting the standard, not you. If you let his rank go to your head, it will affect him negatively.

Look at your life as an adventure, expect the unexpected, and roll with the punches. If there's any way you can wait until he goes through a deployment/tour before you get legally married, I'd advise it.

Congrats on your engagement.

crc07h · June 2010

Wow I am in exactly the same situation as you! We will have been together 4 years this December, and he is in NROTC at a university also, we have been long distance (only 3 hrs away though) for the past 3 years, and we are so ready to be together. I'm not sure why the other person only talked about letting the salutes go to your head though...I think it's pretty easy to understand that in any job when you graduate from college you are at the "bottom of the food chain". I am just happy that one of us has a guaranteed job the day after graduation!

It will be hard, we both know I think, but exciting because we get to live in different places, and people have told me that the best way for a newly married couple to really get close and depend on each other is to live away from home, friends and family. Also, I think that since you guys have been in a LDR for a while it will be easier to adapt when he does deploy. It's the same way for me. Unlike most engaged couples we have become more independent from this, and we trust each other when we're not together, which is a lot of the time! I think those are the 2 main problems people have with a first deployment, maybe people aren't used to being away from each other and they can't stand being alone. Congratulations on your engagement

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

It may be easier to handle the lonely aspect of a deployment, but combat zone deployment separation =/= college separation. Even just them going on float is very different.

jessa92010 · June 2010

You're going to get a lot of advice about not treating his rank as your rank. Ignore it. For some reason people think it's helpful, but it's really insulting that people think you're that stupid that you to need to be told.

Make lots of friends and stay busy during deployments. They will suck, there's no way around that. Use the resources available to you.

Be aware that you will be treated like garbage occasionally. Military wives have a certain stereotype and whether you fit into it or not, you will generally be treated like it. The military is only nice to you to keep your husband happy, they would just as soon ignore you.

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

Oh right, no one needs to be told not to think that they're better than wives with lower ranking husbands. That's NEVER been a problem in the spouse community.

mommakx3 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_navy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dfc54c3d-fc5d-43d7-b57a-2ceb82aba9d9Post:ea3acc76-3e73-45f1-81ca-15d33e82f1af">Re: Navy Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You're going to get a lot of advice about not treating his rank as your rank. Ignore it. For some reason people think it's helpful, but it's really insulting that people think you're that stupid that you to need to be told. Make lots of friends and stay busy during deployments. They will suck, there's no way around that. Use the resources available to you. Be aware that you will be treated like garbage occasionally. Military wives have a certain stereotype and whether you fit into it or not, you will generally be treated like it. The military is only nice to you to keep your husband happy, they would just as soon ignore you.
Posted by jessa92010[/QUOTE]

Please ignore all of this. Your husband is an officer, you don't mean squat and I mean that in the nicest way possible. The military will ignore you they won't try to be nice to make your husband happy because frankly they don't give a crap if he is happy or not.

The military is not a happy go lucky type of thing. You have to prepare yourself and you have to stay strong. Plan nothing but prepare for everything and anything because things will change at the drop of a hat.

It will be different having your husband deployed than him being in college, but I am sure you are a strong enough woman to handle it. Things will be tough, but definitely not impossible.

The only stereotype wives that I see around are the ones who think the military owes them something. I promise the gov't does not feel that way and I really hope you choose not to start your being a military wife that way. If you do you'll be getting quite the reality check!

Best of luck to you and your DH

ARMYmarriedNAVY · June 2010

I would say the best advice is to have your own identity. Yes, you will be a Navy wife, but that shouldn't define who you are as a human being.

Don't forget where you came from, and don't think you are special because of what your HUSBAND does, the rank he wears or the assignment he has. You aren't the Sailor he is. Support him - but be yourself.

jessa92010 · June 2010

Mommakx - the reason the military takes care of spouses is to keep servicememebers focused on their job and worried about their family. A servicemember stressed about their family is not mission effective and is a hazard to themself and their unit. The military even states this. It's really not a complex idea.

That being said, it's not that the spouse is important. The SOLE reason for the benefits provided to the non-military spouse to to keep the servicemeber from worrying about them. The spouse means nothing themselves.

I say this as someone who grew up in the military - my father's a retired admiral, so yes, I've been around this my entire life. I'm not a fiancee spouting ignorance. But if you wish to ignore my experience, be my guest.

iluvmytxrgr · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_navy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dfc54c3d-fc5d-43d7-b57a-2ceb82aba9d9Post:ea3acc76-3e73-45f1-81ca-15d33e82f1af">Re: Navy Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]You're going to get a lot of advice about not treating his rank as your rank. Ignore it. For some reason people think it's helpful, but it's really insulting that people think you're that stupid that you to need to be told. Make lots of friends and stay busy during deployments. They will suck, there's no way around that. Use the resources available to you. Be aware that you will be treated like garbage occasionally. Military wives have a certain stereotype and whether you fit into it or not, you will generally be treated like it. The military is only nice to you to keep your husband happy, they would just as soon ignore you.
Posted by jessa92010[/QUOTE]

People give this advice because there are a lot of people who are stupid enough to need it. Just like there are a lot of people who are ignorant enough to be insulted by it. There are also a lot of people who are ignorant enough to think that all military wives are the same. We aren't.

AMN, MammaKx3 and Stan gave you some really good advice. I'll say keep an open mind about situations and the people you meet. Put yourself out there. Volunteer with the FRG. Be your own person.

mrs.ruiztobe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_navy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dfc54c3d-fc5d-43d7-b57a-2ceb82aba9d9Post:f8c13493-819e-4e1f-b56c-37f002fc984c">Re: Navy Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]Mommakx - the reason the military takes care of spouses is to keep servicememebers focused on their job and worried about their family. A servicemember stressed about their family is not mission effective and is a hazard to themself and their unit. The military even states this. It's really not a complex idea. That being said, it's not that the spouse is important. The SOLE reason for the benefits provided to the non-military spouse to to keep the servicemeber from worrying about them. The spouse means nothing themselves. I say this as someone who grew up in the military - my father's a retired admiral, so yes, I've been around this my entire life. I'm not a fiancee spouting ignorance. But if you wish to ignore my experience, be my guest.
Posted by jessa92010[/QUOTE]

I am not dismissing your experience, but what exactly does the bolded entail? I've been through deployments and i've never been "taken care of" the only thing I get from the military, as a spouse, is health insurance.

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

I'm surprised that as the daughter of a flag officer, you say that spouses don't need warnings to be mindful of their behavior not offending other spouses, or to be mindful that their behavior not negatively affect their spouse's career.

I assume your mom was one of the good ones, and thus you think all wives are equally good, and that none try to wear the rank of their serving spouses. Every spouse has a story about a crazed, rank wearing spouse. Sometimes they try to cut at the commissary. Sometimes they get upset when they are not saluted. Some think they are better than junior enlisted wives because of the position of their husband.

Mission is above all else in the military, on deployment, at sea, or in garrison. The military is not an evil, spouse hating entity. But to count on being made happy because a non distracted troop is a better troop will lead to disappointment. The service member's job and duties will always come first.

pennylane786 · June 2010

Don't stress about being away from family and friends. You'll find that no matter where you move, you will meet people who will become your "family" away from home. There will be plenty of other wives going through the same thing. Don't judge or discount anyone right away, even if they aren't in the same situation as you. They might be able to teach you something you didn't already know.

My life is mostly the same, I've just changed where I live and where I grocery shop. If you haven't read "Married to the Military" or a similar book, I'd recommend doing so. It'll help you get familiar with terminology, the pay and benefit stuff, what you need to know about PCSing, etc.

catemeg · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_navy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dfc54c3d-fc5d-43d7-b57a-2ceb82aba9d9Post:5218e98e-5086-4247-a978-81271f81c5ee">Re: Navy Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the best advice is to not think of his rank as your rank. As an Ensign, he's very low on the food chain. I mean this in the nicest of ways, but don't let his salutes go to your head. When they salute your car (if your base doesn't have civilians) it helps to remember they are saluting the standard, not you. If you let his rank go to your head, it will affect him negatively. Look at your life as an adventure, expect the unexpected, and roll with the punches. If there's any way you can wait until he goes through a deployment/tour before you get legally married, I'd advise it. Congrats on your engagement.
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

This is excellent advice. This is the same advice that was given to me by the wife of a Colonel's wife - she told me that after her 35 years with her husband in the military, this is the biggest issue she saw among spouses on base. Her closest friends were wives of soldiers from a variety of military branches and ranks.

She reminded me that while the spouses do not have ranks, you are always a representative of your spouse/significant other while on base and interacting with other spouses and soldiers. Like anywhere else in life, the less elitist or snobby you act the better. Modesty and humility are your friends.

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

Also, I should say that I am hoping to become a Marine Officer. SO knows, and agrees that regardless of our marital roles, that my men will always come before myself, and thus they will always come before him. Their welfare will be more important than my own, and I think that's something to consider when marrying someone with a leadership position.

Also, Catemeg's advice about not having rank involved when it comes to making friends is very good advice. I'm an NCO's girlfriend. I'm friends with junior enlisted spouses, NCO spouses, a couple SNCO spouses, and some O spouses. That's not counting the AD SMs I consider friends. It is on the service member to decide when a relationship becomes professionally inappropriate between SM and SM. Spouses can be friends with whomever they choose.

wraith1288 · June 2010

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreaciate it alot. I don't want to be a Navy wife who expects salutes, I know i'm just a civ. Heck I showed my fiance' my salute to see if I can do it like he does and well I think I would be laughed at lol. So I don't expect special treatment. Just a friendly Hi, How are you kinda of thing, when someone walks by on base.

I hope I find good friends wherever I am, I love meeting new people. I work at a grocery store so I meet new people everyday and some are really rude or super nice. I know how to deal with different people.

asullivan19 · June 2010

I am currently engaged to a Sailor and as well are in a Long Distance Relationship. We have been together for two years now. I will be honest with you, the deployments are very hard. He is actually underway right now. You really have to prepare yourself for that alone time. Surround yourself with family and friends if you can. It does get hard because there are times where you have no contact with them. I am very glad that he has gone on a couple of deployments so far so that I know what I am looking at when we are living together and married.

I would say that you need to support your HUSBAND in whatever he has to do and always be there. You need to also keep in mind that you may be his wife, but you are still representing him where ever you go.

Have fun with it! Good luck to you!

mysticl · July 2010

I'm engaged to a sailor. He hasn't had a full deployment since we've been together but he has been to sea for work ups. Something I've noticed when he's gone is that people with no ties to the Navy don't realize that being at sea is different than being deployed to a base somewhere. TV and movies show us soldiers calling and e-mailing from Iraq. Heck, a guy I went to HS with posted on his facebook page regularly while he was in Iraq. He would talk to his fiance via skype. Being on a ship is different. They can e-mail but only from their military account, things like facebook and myspace get blocked. There are no conversations via webcam. They can call but it is pretty expensive. He can't use his cellphone when he's underway. Just keep in mind that his being at sea won't be like college where he could call or text you every day. You won't have facebook and myspace posts. When my fiance is gone I live for those e-mails, I check it constantly. When I got a phone call I almost did backflips.

mrs.hough · July 2010

I am also engaged to a Naval officer. About the rank stuff, I have seen it become a problem; be proud of what he has accomplished but remember that that doesn't make you any different than anyone else. My FI and I are in the middle of our third deployment separation and I'll be honest, there's nothing I hate more than him being gone. I live for phone calls and my nightly email. I have learned that for us it works better to have one email per day that way I can go about my day and know that there will be an email there for me when I get home. (Also be aware that the connection to the ship will go out from time to time and don't freak out if you don't hear from him for a few days.) I have found that the best support for me comes from having both military and non-mil friends. The other wives from his ship will understand more of what's going on, but sometimes they aren't as sympathetic as a civilian might be. Sometimes it's good to hear "I just don't know how you do it"

Fair Winds and Following Seas for your journey into a new life together

mysticl · July 2010

I ran into a non-military wife (a former boss of mine) who everytime she heard a woman say her husband was deployed would tell the woman she was lucky and how she wished her husband was in the military so she could be rid of him for months at a time. Her husband coached the kids soccer team and was home every night and took care of the kids so she could work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. The day I quit I told her how offensive she was.

Some people will totally be there for you and some will just not get it.

crc07h · July 2010

Being on the ship is definitely much different, and I've learned that being on the sub is different as well, you're lucky if you get an email every few days since they have to wait for signal.

catemeg · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_navy-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dfc54c3d-fc5d-43d7-b57a-2ceb82aba9d9Post:33f11642-d5a4-43af-8f0d-0f79a526346f">Re: Navy Bride</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want to be a Navy wife who expects salutes, I know i'm just a civ. Heck I showed my fiance' my salute to see if I can do it like he does and well I think I would be laughed at lol. So I don't expect special treatment. Just a friendly Hi, How are you kinda of thing, when someone walks by on base.
Posted by wraith1288[/QUOTE]

If you are the wife of an officer driving their car on base, you will be saluted as you enter. Actually, let's be specific, YOU will not be saluted. The CAR will be saluted since it will have the tag on it of an Officer.

You will never have to salute, and it is viewed poorly by service members if you try. If someone salutes you, you can smile and nod politely. You're a civilian and expected to act as such.

It's not special treatment we're talking about, and it's good you don't expect it because you won't get it. The military will take care of the welfare of the families of service members, and have health insurance, counseling programs, and social networks to help, but much of this has to be sought out by the person - they're not going to hunt you down to fluff your pillow.

What we were talking about are self-created 'ranks' along the wives. Like wives are 'better' than girlfriends, if your husband is an officer you're 'superior' to those whose husbands' are enlisted. That's bull, and insulting, and stupid.

The girl on here who said you have to retain your own identiy is exactly right. I see a lot of wives, especially the young ones, who decide they're marrying their soldier and thus taking on the identity of the military (camo purses, bumper stickers, etc.). If you want to be in the military, join the military. This is your husband's job, and part of his identity, but it is not his WHOLE identity and it shouldn't be any part of your identity. You should be there to support your husband just like any woman supports her husband, regardless of his job. It takes a little more work and sacrifice with the military, but it's the same concept.

If you're husband's a doctor, you don't start walking around with a white coat on or a stethescope around your neck. Just because your husband's in the military doesn't mean anything to your identity.

Navy Bride

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