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Military Brides
divinemsbee
member
It's not my money
So, my FI is a sweet guy and is really good to his friends. He tends to pick up a lot of oddballs and people who are not so suave socially, which is great, and they've all been nice to me when we meet. He also is paid much better than most of them, so a lot of times he treats them to dinner or drinks when they go out. Last weekend he picked up a friend of his in their hometown (about 3ish hours from FI's base) and brought him to our apartment (still getting used to saying that) to have some fun because the guy just got dumped. This is all fine, and I love that he's getting to do this stuff while I'm not there yet (he'd be fine to do it if I was, but I'm glad he's having fun).
He's leaving for IFS before I get down there (major bummer, got that news today), so I will be moving mostly alone and waiting to do the big stuff when he gets back. We're talking about moving and getting some of our friends to help us in exchange for beer (they'd do it for free, but I like to offer gas $ and booze). He says I should see the fridge. I immediately ask what happened. He sends me a pic of the fridge. It's filled top to bottom and to the back with beer. And not cheap beer, really nice beer. He bought it all and did that to brighten up his friend's mood when the guy was there. He spent probably $200ish or more dollars on beer for a laugh.
I'm torn between thinking that he's a really sweet guy and that he does wonderful things for his friends. And being livid. His family is coming into town this weekend, and he always drops a good deal of money on them, and he and I just had a conversation a few days ago about how money is tight and we'll have to wait on buying things for the apartment like a bed (we have matresses on the floor, and they're nice mattresses bought on sale, but they are on the floor). I know we're not married, so it's not my money to say how it's spent. But, Christ on a Cracker, a whole fridge full of beer as a legitimate expense when we have pretty much nothing for the apartment. As well as, where in the hell is food? I'm not as pissed as this makes me sound, but dammit, I want sheets!
I just have to keep repeating to myself over and over: It's not my money, It's not my money....
He's leaving for IFS before I get down there (major bummer, got that news today), so I will be moving mostly alone and waiting to do the big stuff when he gets back. We're talking about moving and getting some of our friends to help us in exchange for beer (they'd do it for free, but I like to offer gas $ and booze). He says I should see the fridge. I immediately ask what happened. He sends me a pic of the fridge. It's filled top to bottom and to the back with beer. And not cheap beer, really nice beer. He bought it all and did that to brighten up his friend's mood when the guy was there. He spent probably $200ish or more dollars on beer for a laugh.
I'm torn between thinking that he's a really sweet guy and that he does wonderful things for his friends. And being livid. His family is coming into town this weekend, and he always drops a good deal of money on them, and he and I just had a conversation a few days ago about how money is tight and we'll have to wait on buying things for the apartment like a bed (we have matresses on the floor, and they're nice mattresses bought on sale, but they are on the floor). I know we're not married, so it's not my money to say how it's spent. But, Christ on a Cracker, a whole fridge full of beer as a legitimate expense when we have pretty much nothing for the apartment. As well as, where in the hell is food? I'm not as pissed as this makes me sound, but dammit, I want sheets!
I just have to keep repeating to myself over and over: It's not my money, It's not my money....
This discussion has been closed.
Re: It's not my money
FI and I have had our own checking accounts with Wachovia and a joint checking account. We're each on all the accounts, but we don't have checking cards for the other's private account. However, we can see everything by logging in online. We discuss all purchases over $100. But whatever is left over after what we've allotted for savings, bills, etc. is to be used by the person who earned it.
He may feel the same way about your manicures or eyebrow waxes, ya know? It's important to have a bit of discretionary income for spoiling yourself or friends, but it is also important to make sure that doesn't cut into the amount that you both have agreed to cover for bills, savings, etc.
He's super generous with me and out general plan is for me to contribute a percentage towards bills and to spend most of his BAH on rent. Right now our finances are pretty separate, I have 2 savings accounts and my checking through Wells Fargo, and he has his accounts through USAA. I started a money market account through my bank that earns 3% interest that we're starting up as a wedding fund that we're both going to put money in every month.
We're different spenders, and that has definitely been the subject of discussion. I'll impulse buy smaller things (nail polish, lamps, pillows, clearance rack less than $10 shoes) but I do a lot of research on big stuff. If he sees big stuff he likes, he'll just get it (see: his car, the red Miata). I know it's because his familly has never really spent/had money, and this is the first time in his life that he can just get what he wants.
I think discussions of purchases over $100 is a great idea. I'm not actually mad at him, it's just a little exasperating when most of the money I have is going towards me moving down there and I can't spend it on the fun stuff (like bedding, I'm so edgy) that we'd both use. I have a feeling that if we don't discuss it I'll end up spending all of my money on the useful things (blackout curtains, coathangers, shower curtains and those little things that add up, especially at Target), and while I'm sure he'll like them, and use them, he just doesn't think about those things that make a home more comfortable costing money. Funnily enough, I think he'd rather pay for my hair and nails than price a couch. It's this weird, again kinda from his family, thing about not finding things like coffee tables necessary. They aren't, but they're nice to have.
Hope I'm making some sense, I'm kind loopy and wordy today
I think you both would probably benefit from some financial planning education. Are there any seminars or such near you? A bunch of those little charges on discount shoes adds up to a lot very quickly, and he can't be making big purchases like that going forward without consulting you.
Sitting down together and creating a very comprehensive budget per week or per paycheck or per month can help prevent a LOT of issues down the line! Like you said, it's not about the beer today as much as it is your fear that he'll keep making purchases like that and you'll end up feeling taken advantage of since your money will disproportionately have to pay for things like hangers and trash bags.
I would just say continue communicating!
[QUOTE]So funny that PP mentioned manicures! My FI is in the process of adding me to his USAA accounts/credit card, so in the meantime he gave me his card to go buy groceries, gas, car wash, etc. I ended up getting my nails done the same day (paid for myself, not with his card) but it was still funny like "I got my nails done today. here's your credit card back." He laughed and said he didnt care- he WOULD care if he knew how expensive/how often I have to get them done haha! Basically our arrangement is for nor, since I'm only working temporarily/living off my savings, he's paying for mutual stuff like food, gas, house stuff, and the $$ I make is to be saved for big stuff for the two of us (couch, pet bills, anything big unforseen like that) plus my own spending $$ for my nails. It works for us. Sounds like you two just have to figure out your own "system"- it takes a while, but it should be easier once you're together all the time, living together, and more aware of what expenses need to be "ours" vs "yours". Sorry to ramble, good luck to you! Talking about $$ is not the most romantic or fun, but it is important.
Posted by jackieandbilly[/QUOTE]
HAHA my fiance jokes about giving me an allowance for stuff like that :P
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]
First of all... are we engaged to the same person? Haha, but seriously, we had the same problem. My fiance had all his clothes folded in piles on our bedroom floor because he didn't think a dresser was "necessary" (aka he didn't want to drop 500 bucks on one and would rather go out to eat every night). I finally stopped complaining about it,and let the dog lay on his clothes until they were so hairy he asked me to rewash them and I said "No, if you had a dresser then you wouldn't have dog hair all over your clothes". Guess how fast a dresser became necessary after that!
And I don't care what the reasoning... if my fiance spent $200 on beer I would NOT be happy, and I'm a very laid back person, but I think that's a little overboard. My FI and I sat down and hashed out our expenses. Currently I only work part time and pretty much make enough money to cover my car payment, car insurance, and credit card payments. So with his income we pay all our bills, and then we set aside a certain amount for food, pleasure, savings, and wedding. Going out to dinner is considered pleasure not food in our budget.
One last thing... as you said "its not my money", but by putting that ring on your finger he said he wants to share his everything with you, and that includes money. His purchases, and yours, effect each other now and forever. But just looking at the short term... $200 bucks could feed 4-6 people at your wedding!