• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Military Brides

downer for the week - prenump?

So with getting engaged the came the prenump yes? no? I know we don't want to think about it but with USFSPA and such (more i didn't know about and would have been happy to continue to live in ignorance of) did you guys get one (if you want to share)? Did you think about it? Was it obvious one way or the other? Did you feel like USFSPA gave you the safety you wanted?

sorry for 20 questions but I am currently of the opinion that if it will make him feel better about our situation then I'd consider it so here I am. No clue about all of it. If they really are worth the effort. etc.

Also side note that may or may not effect it because i'm not a lawyer We are getting married in Louisiana. They still run a french legal system which is dif from every other state if i remember correctly (or at least the larger majority) since this is military it makes it dif. we won't live in one place so if we do a prenump in LA is it even going to work in CA WA or NC? or could it make it more complicated later if there was a problem.


this is depressing for the record so i guess this is my downer for the week

good news was getting the FI home safe and started his transfer stuff

Re: downer for the week - prenump?

  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You need to see a lawyer for your legal questions.

    We are getting a prenup. I have a large inheritance and we both feel strongly that it should stay in my family. It will address retired pay. My friend the paralegal gave me this book http://www.prenupsforlovers.com/, and it was good reading.

    I don't think a prenup should be depressing at all. Neither of us are depressed about ours.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • edited December 2011
    We're not getting one. I understand your feelings towards it. I wouldn't want to talk about the dividing of assets due to a divorce before even getting married. Btw what is USFSPA?
  • edited December 2011
    sorry its Uniformed Services Former Spousal Protection Act

    yeah its weird its not the prenup itself that's depressing it was being the responsible one bringing up so if we get divorced . . .  just because it took away a lot of the engagement giddy stuff i've been riding on :)

    thanks for the book recommendation :)

    also this is just to feel the water not for any real legal advice (unless a lawyer chimes in) I just wasnt about to go talk to a lawyer and such since i'm not familiar with the process and such. And i figured if i was going to ask i might as well ask all my questions on the off chance someone had dealt with similar. :D
  • edited December 2011
    We're getting a prenup.  My fiance also received a large inheritance and we both agree it should stay with him.

    Of course no one wants to think about the separation of assets before even getting married, but with the divorce rate being so high, its definitely something you need to think about and consider.  You never know what life will throw your way.  I know so many people who "didn't believe in divorce" in any circumstance or who were madly in love currently in the middle of a divorce.  I see no problem with it.  Its just being responsible.

    If you don't ever need it awesome.  If you do end up needing it, you'll probably be thanking yourself for signing it in the first place!
    Photobucket
  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We aren't getting one. I think its like saying "We're gonna get divorced." IMHO. 
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
  • kara811kara811 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    We didn't get a prenup either, I did raise the question after being engaged but H quickly shut it down. A prenup never even crossed his mind, and he was the one that came into our marriage with a lot more money than me. I know the divorce rate is high, but the word divorce is not even in H's vocabulary. No one in his family has ever gone through divorce, so it's not even a question in his mind. 

    If this is something that both of you really want to do, do talk to a lawyer about it. I know it's not the most romantic thing to talk about it but we all have to be pragmatic about these things. 

    Also, I'm not trying to be snarky, but I had a bit of a hard time reading your post. Could you please spell out full words and capitalize where need be? And there's a spell check too if you need it. Thanks. 
  • edited December 2011
    We're not getting one.  We're those ones that don't believe in ... the "d" word... yeah we don't even say it! But everyone's different and if it would make you both more comfortable before getting married then it wouldn't hurt to check into it.
     
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    We're probably going to get one - we haven't really discussed it, but I know my parents want us to sign one.  Neither of us are opposed to it.  I look at it like writing a will - you don't want to die, but it's smart to make preparations just in case.  No one wants to sit around and say, "Okay, so if I die tomorrow, who is going to take care of my children?  Who will get my car?  How do I want my funeral to take place?" but it's much better to have those steps in place when you're healthy so it's clear what you wanted.  I think a loving, happy couple is in the best possible place to decide how they would want to separate - they are much less likely to be bitter and angry and vengeful than if they try to sort it out later.  We'd say, "Of course your inheritance is your money!  And if you're not working while you follow me around while I'm in the Marines, then it makes sense that you would get some of that savings."

    I think it's naive, honestly, for someone to say they don't believe in divorce - I don't think anyone (or at least very few people) get married thinking that divorce is even a remote possibility.  But if you honestly would not get divorced in any situation, I worry for you because there are some extreme situations in which I would definitely get divorced.  I think at some point people just realize that they deserve to be happy, and if their marriage is not making either person happy anymore and they've spent lots of time and effort trying to make it right, then it might be time to move on.  I believe wholeheartedly that a child is much better off with two parents who are civil to each other and happy in their own lives than living with married parents who hate each other in a negative environment.

    image

    Anniversary

  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:e04100a9-d80f-4f3c-a6b6-4e75e4ec2282">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're probably going to get one - we haven't really discussed it, but I know my parents want us to sign one.  Neither of us are opposed to it.  I look at it like writing a will - you don't want to die, but it's smart to make preparations just in case.  No one wants to sit around and say, "Okay, so if I die tomorrow, who is going to take care of my children?  Who will get my car?  How do I want my funeral to take place?" but it's much better to have those steps in place when you're healthy so it's clear what you wanted.  <strong>I think a loving, happy couple is in the best possible place to decide how they would want to separate - they are much less likely to be bitter and angry and vengeful than if they try to sort it out later</strong>.  We'd say, "Of course your inheritance is your money!  And if you're not working while you follow me around while I'm in the Marines, then it makes sense that you would get some of that savings." I think it's naive, honestly, for someone to say they don't believe in divorce - <strong>I don't think anyone (or at least very few people) get married thinking that divorce is even a remote possibility</strong>.  But if you honestly would not get divorced in any situation, I worry for you because there are some extreme situations in which I would definitely get divorced.  I think at some point people just realize that they deserve to be happy, and if their marriage is not making either person happy anymore and they've spent lots of time and effort trying to make it right, then it might be time to move on.  I believe wholeheartedly that a child is much better off with two parents who are civil to each other and happy in their own lives than living with married parents who hate each other in a negative environment.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree with these two points.

    We didn't get one and we never even brought it up or thought about it. However, it does work for some people. It doesn't mean you'll get divorced and it doesn't mean that you "believe" in divorce. Don't be sad about it!

    I don't think anyone believes in divorce. I came into my marriage believing it will last forever. But like Cal said, something extreme could happen and if divorce is the right path, then that's a path to take.
    image BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto C and Lets Hike.

    We were back and forth on it, but ended up not getting one, mostly because we ran out of time.  I'll admit that the first time we talked about it, I felt sick to my stomach and I probably cried, but I got over it.. I was willing to sign one (his parents thought I was crazy).  Signing one doesn't say "I'm getting divorced" it means that you'll be protected if something happens.  What if your H was deployed, came back with PTSD, refused to get any help, started drinking, possibly even using drugs, and started beating you and your kids? Can you honestly say you don't believe in divorce then? Of course in that situation, I would try to help my H, but if he wouldn't help himself, then I would get myself and my children out.  I'm sorry but, Divorce is the reality we live in, and if you're naive enough to say "you don't believe in divorce" than you're probably not really mature enough to be tying the knot in the first place. Thats just my Honest Opinion. 


    Not directed at anyone in particular or anything, it's just my opinion.
    Photobucket
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:2008cfec-b0a9-48b8-8430-0597bd45e809">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We aren't getting one. I think its like saying "We're gonna get divorced." IMHO. 
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    I don't think it says this at all.. but we aren't getting one. We don't find it neccessary. I don't think it should be considered this horribly negative thing for a couple, but we just... eh.. didn't even THINK about it until someone asked us and we looked at each other puzled, went home, and talked about it.

    I agree that the questions would be better directed towards an actual lawyer, but it is an interesting thread!
  • edited December 2011
    SamiJoeB I was so sick to my stomach talking about the will and everything before my fiance left. Worst conversation ever. I know you have to talk about that stuff but I just wanted to block it out. I felt like he just got home from basic and I'm so new to this military life then he tells me I'm the life insurance beneficiary and this is for my funeral etc etc. 

    PrettyIrishgirl: Thanks for telling me what the acronym means. I'm so bad with them. If my fiance uses one I try to ask what it is but holy cow there are so many! LOL
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Katelyn - just keep asking questions.  We all hear new acronyms all the time, and some we know and some we don't.  Just don't ever be afraid to ask questions (in the right time and place, of course)! 

    FI's commanding officer was using a bunch while we were having lunch while I was visiting him, and after the conversation died down a bit, I said, "Just for clarification, what did you mean by XOX (insert random acronym)?" 

    And she said, "Oh, I'm sorry... that means ****.  I'm so glad you asked, so many spouses think they need to know everything.  Please, always ask questions.  It's so much better to find out than feel like you have to pretend to know.  No one expects you to know it all - it's not like you went through 6 months of training like the rest of us, and even we find new acronyms all the time!" 

    That made me feel a lot better about asking questions!

    image

    Anniversary

  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    The will/SGLI conversations should not be taken as a "YOU MIGHT DIE" conversation anymore than a prenup = divorce. These are calm, rational conversations that happen JIC. 

    And OP, a lawyer won't be able to chime in on the internet and give legal advice. 
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • edited December 2011
    Like you all were saying it isn't like people plan to get divorced, they just do. It hurts more to bring it up, i think, because of not wanting to hurt the other. Example: I am going to grad school and have a job, but Army sends you were they send you which means we could go somewhere where I can't get work. We also talked about that. What would we do? Is he ok with me staying home etc. If we had kids would I stay home with them indefinitely or only for a few months? so on. The prenump could possibly protect me and kids if something did go wrong which makes it a valid option (along with many other situations). Another hard thing in our situation was that the first week we met because of the oddity around it we had a lot of conversations that werent normal first date material. marriage, prenump, kids, moving, did I get what army really meant, abortion, birth-control, politics.It also included a promise that we wouldn't ask for more then we had Including a dating title or me asking about getting married. If we wanted those things we had to outright ask and take whatever answer we got. It was weird; it was our first date we had pizza. And so three years ago the FI that has now since proposed to me didn't want kids, never wanted to get married, and wanted a prenump more then anything in the world. And here we are getting married because it was his idea, him saying you know i really want to move back home and have two kids (what?!?! alien took over his body), and oh yeah honey I don't think I want a prenump now - talk about messing with my head.

    Since it was brought up - the will thing was easier for us to deal with after the random initial shock of it coming up about a year and a half ago. I was surprised because we werent engaged or anything, but I had had a bad day and just moved into his house. I tried to explain to him it wasnt that I didn't love it there, but it was weird because we started to not separate things. He would transfer money for half a sofa I would go buy said sofa, needed to paint the bedroom or work on his car I'd just go pay for it because when he came home he'd buy food for 4 months. Well in my infinite mommy mode I was terrified I woudlnt get our dog (I know i know but it was after an unpredicted silence of about a week followed by yeah its been a rough few days in the sandbox). It was his before we met and his folks have had her with them almost as much as I've had her with me. And it seems very silly looking at all the other things that i put money into, but before we were dating everything went to his mother and then was partially distributed to his niece. When he asked me why I was worried I said well your mom's great I love her but does she like me enough to use her power through the will to let me have things like the dog. So about a year and a half ago he was re-writing it because he has a nephew now :). When he did  - because of my "do i get the dog if you die" question he was like I'm changing this and this. Me being all weirded out said "I just want the dog." He proceeded to laugh at me for about 5 minutes and then made me sit down and look at what changes he was making and such.

    My point is it is different for everyone, but the will was easier for us I think because he didn't plan on dying. That part of it would have been of no control of ours. The prenump on the other hand, in our heads, was like well even if its not intended divorce is a decision one or both of us would choose to make. And since we don't have kids (other then the dog) from previous partners that we would have to protect from odd death situations it made it harder for me to approach. Making that legal paperwork much harder for us to decide upon. Also wills hold regardless of location. They can be contested, but I feel it is much harder to contest a will (especially if you can prove someone is sound when they write and sign it), but a prenump is much easier to argue and void out and possibly even make your divorce harder to get through.

    Also about the abbreviations. you get used to them :) I used to ask every day. FI would come home talk to me on the phone (if i was lucky in person). He would recap his day and I'd be like what does XOO(insert) mean. I knew a lot of the air force and navy abbreviations already and some others. Some are universal others aren't so I still weird him out if we do some joint branch thing and I'm like oh cool w/e and he's like what the hell does that say?!?! yet I can then go do some army thing and be clueless and harass him with a list a mile long of abbreviations I don't understand. I always would write down the abbreviations if it was just us then after our convo was over go back with the list and have him write them down. I'd then read through it tear it up and throw it away. If we were out I'd ask the wives or friends afterwards. Everyone was helpful and nice about it. Just make sure it's the right time right place.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Just so you know (and this isn't legal advice - for that you'd have to consult a lawyer who was barred - meaning certified - in your state), prenups cannot cover property or earnings that you do not currently have in your possession.  It cannot cover potential inheritence that you haven't gotten yet, it cannot cover future earnings or houses that you haven't purchased.  The only thing it can cover is what you are going into the marriage with.

    Anything else would probably be a "pre-marriage agreement" and is not legally binding.  It's still a good thing to have, because if you did ever go to court, that document could be used to show intent when entering the marriage, but that doesn't mean the judge will consider it - they might just throw it out and split things down the middle.  It depends on where someone divorces - California is a no-fault state, which means things are always split 50/50, for example. 

    My parents have a very complicated clause in my trust fund that ensures that only direct blood line would get access to the money, and only a limited bit at a time.  That's the best way to protect any inheritance, before you get it.

    image

    Anniversary

  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:3f6c4313-38df-472f-b9bf-24dca1c00c66">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just so you know ( and this isn't legal advice - for that you'd have to consult a lawyer who was barred - meaning certified - in your state ), prenups cannot cover property or earnings that you do not currently have in your possession.  It cannot cover potential inheritence that you haven't gotten yet, it cannot cover future earnings or houses that you haven't purchased.  The only thing it can cover is what you are going into the marriage with. Anything else would probably be a "pre-marriage agreement" and is not legally binding.  It's still a good thing to have, because if you did ever go to court, that document could be used to show intent when entering the marriage, but that doesn't mean the judge will consider it - they might just throw it out and split things down the middle.  It depends on where someone divorces - California is a no-fault state, which means things are always split 50/50, for example.  My parents have a very complicated clause in my trust fund that ensures that only direct blood line would get access to the money, and only a limited bit at a time.  That's the best way to protect any inheritance, before you get it.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I don't think that's 100% true Calindi. Everything I've read on the subject (and it's a fair amount) tells me that I can include non existent monies, business earnings, and theoretical retirement pay. I'll have to get some citations up when I've a moment.</div><div>
    </div><div>ETA: <a href="http://articles.latimes.com/2011/apr/24/business/la-fi-perfin-20110424">http://articles.latimes.com/2011/apr/24/business/la-fi-perfin-20110424</a></div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • edited December 2011
    Wish - in my research since the post I think I have to agree with you. I've found a bunch of things that say its a way to include retirement pay and current pay since retirement pay only applies to USFSPA if your married for a specific number of years (I want to say 20, but I don't remember). Really from my research this seems to be the most complex thing that I'd deal with in getting married. Even wills are pretty straight forward. And the military policies are also pretty set, even if there are a lot of them or you have to do a list of things it is pretty straight forward and not situation specific in the same sense.

    After reading Calindi's post I think you are right as well. I think this goes into what I was talking about in the beginning about getting a prenump in LA not in CA etc. I think every state can decide how much can be covered. Because i read a lot saying that some states a prenump can end up causing more legal battle then a flat divorce. Maybe that's what they meant. If in CA its a pre marriage agreement and isnt legally binding you could argue that getting divorced in CA with an LA prenump under a different local law system can not hold in the different system because of state laws .A CA prenump and everything that isnt included in a CA prenump could be left to the discretion of the court to include or not.

    Thanks for the advice about what your parents did, that might be the way to go instead. Because that was our main concern when debating it last night. It wasnt so much our pay as it was if he inherits family land in CA or i inherit property or businesses here. I have no right to that and I don't want it to come into debate jsut in case.


    I just wanted to thank you all for answering this thread and giving your input. Now if we decide to talk to a lawyer about it we know more and have more questions to ask. The main point of me asking was to get input because I knew yall would think of things we didnt. Like the what if (horrible senario) i really needed to leave with kids to protect them. That was something I would have never considered needing to do or being an issue, but it is something that we could all possibly deal with.

    I also don't know if it was on here or on another page, but I read that you may not be able to do a prenup through post or base legal. That may be branch specific or miss information but something that any of you looking at this might want to consider. Or from past experiance may be able to clarify for the rest of us.
  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Fi and I both come from broken homes. (I can't say divorced parents because my parents weren't ever married) But FI and I don't believe in getting a divorce. We've talked about it and we will try everything else before it comes to that. Now days people just go "Well we had a bad fight. I want a divorce." He might be dead in the backyard before we get one. 
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
  • edited December 2011
    thats how i feel too kendall, but at the same time its just a consideration. No one in my family has ever been divorced both sides. and i'm pretty sure they may kill me before i got one so then it doesnt matter what i get out of it b/c i'll be dead. haha but FIs parents got divorced when he was very little, even though its crazy how it can just be right for some ppl. His mom has since remarried and her, stepdad and dad are all the best of friends. His mom still visits and talks to his dads sister and mom. They are all very close and its been an interesting experience. I think they are this way because FI and his brother were so little when they got a divorce that they got over what was bothering them (mostly) for the kids or hid it, and now 20 odd years later they have grown out of the hostility that was originally there. His mom has explained a lot of it to me and surprisingly his dad has even said things to us both about it. But sometimes I feel it doesnt matter what you want. Like someone said if anyone ever threatened me or my kids. I could love them the rest of my life and never find anyone else, but I would do what i had to do to protect my kids. Even my FI i think feels this way. It is a part of military life to have to think about the unthinkable. We never want anyone we love to be hurt from their duty and deployments, but it happens daily. I would think that with how much my FI loves me he would love any kids that much or more. And if thats the case he is so protective of me and wants to keep me safe he would do the same for our kids. And if i said I wanted a prenump incase of the stress or hypothetical situation I cant see him objecting because it would kill him if it happened, but I think he would protect us from anything even himself if he could. So it isnt just about divorce and planning for the bad in a way it is planning for all the best of what you are now. It still isn't something I like thinking about, and it doesnt make me happy but it is still important.

    With the same thought i feel like so many people go into marriage lightly now adays (not targeting anyone btw) and so there are more divorces, but also to go with that some things used to be socially acceptable (beatings) where divorce was not and its a combination in my opinion that gives us that 50 50 rate.
  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:3f6c4313-38df-472f-b9bf-24dca1c00c66">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just so you know ( and this isn't legal advice - for that you'd have to consult a lawyer who was barred - meaning certified - in your state ), prenups cannot cover property or earnings that you do not currently have in your possession.  It cannot cover potential inheritence that you haven't gotten yet, it cannot cover future earnings or houses that you haven't purchased.  The only thing it can cover is what you are going into the marriage with. Anything else would probably be a "pre-marriage agreement" and is not legally binding.  It's still a good thing to have, because if you did ever go to court, that document could be used to show intent when entering the marriage, but that doesn't mean the judge will consider it - they might just throw it out and split things down the middle.  It depends on where someone divorces - California is a no-fault state, which means things are always split 50/50, for example.  My parents have a very complicated clause in my trust fund that ensures that only direct blood line would get access to the money, and only a limited bit at a time.  That's the best way to protect any inheritance, before you get it.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    Yup, all this. H and I are both lawyers, and we don't have a prenup for this reason. My parents have a complicated trust fund as well that basically ensures any money I inherit stays with me. We brought equal assets and liabilities into the marriage. The idea of a prenup sounds nice, but in a lot of cases it doesn't matter anyway. It mostly makes sense in situations where there are children from a previous marriage to be protected or significant pre-marital assets.

    In my state (where I'm barred, that is), you can also sign a post-nuptial agreement, if you find that later in your marriage things change. If I were to stop working or something due to moving around, we'd consider one of those, but for now it made no sense.

    What people fight the most about anyway is children and custody, and you can't put those provisions in a pre-nup (at least in my state).
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:7406d9bc-a63f-466c-a83c-debb1761427f">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Katelyn - just keep asking questions.  We all hear new acronyms all the time, and some we know and some we don't.  Just don't ever be afraid to ask questions (in the right time and place, of course)!  FI's commanding officer was using a bunch while we were having lunch while I was visiting him, and after the conversation died down a bit, I said, "Just for clarification, what did you mean by XOX (insert random acronym)?"  And she said, "Oh, I'm sorry... that means ****.  I'm so glad you asked, so many spouses think they need to know everything.  Please, always ask questions.  It's so much better to find out than feel like you have to pretend to know.  No one expects you to know it all - it's not like you went through 6 months of training like the rest of us, and even we find new acronyms all the time!"  That made me feel a lot better about asking questions!
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
    I do I want to know what he's talking about not just be like ok lol. When he was in the hospital it was such a whirlwind. His dad retired as a Captain in the Army and is a doctor now so I couldn't always keep up between the Army talk and medical talk.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:da28e4b0-c362-4892-9e61-67a84b6e1c3c">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Fi and I both come from broken homes. (I can't say divorced parents because my parents weren't ever married) But FI and I don't believe in getting a divorce. We've talked about it and we will try everything else before it comes to that. Now days people just go "Well we had a bad fight. I want a divorce." He might be dead in the backyard before we get one. 
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree with you Kendall and I came from a similar situation.  It's tough on kids! It was tough on me... FI and I have had MULTIPLE conversations about it and we will do and try everything before it coming down to getting a divorce (yeah, I said it)  and if it's Biblical (just us, not being preachy) but that's just how we view the whole thing.  We know marriage isn't going to be easy and it's going to have it's challenges and we both know we will have to work at it.  I'm going into the marriage knowing that he's in the military meaning we might move a lot and he's going to be gone a lot and so I'm prepared for all of that.  I agree with you that most people think marriage is going to be so easy and then when it hits a rough spot they just call it quits which is sad... 
    I know there are many situations where divorce would be appropriate, so I'm definitely not naive to the fact the stuff happens that we would never want to happen or even want to think about happening...
    Serious talks are never fun, but a definite must before marriage
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:b8edbb64-56e2-4ecb-9187-b87fb8ab2c22">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're not getting one.  <strong>We're those ones that don't believe in ... the "d" word</strong>... yeah we don't even say it! But everyone's different and if it would make you both more comfortable before getting married then it wouldn't hurt to check into it.  
    Posted by DaKelliAB09[/QUOTE]

    We are the same way. We simply don't believe in divorce. We aren't getting one either. I don't think our priest would even marry us if we were going to have one.
    That being said; each couple is completely different. If that's what is going to make the both of you the most comfortable with taking the next step by getting married then do it. To each their own in my opinion. We won't be, but just because we aren't doesn't mean thats what is best for the next couple.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:d6fd3ad7-e128-4d16-b248-9a21ccb989f7">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: downer for the week - prenump? : I completely agree with you Kendall and I came from a similar situation.  It's tough on kids! It was tough on me... FI and I have had MULTIPLE conversations about it and we will do and try everything before it coming down to getting a divorce (yeah, I said it)  and if it's Biblical (just us, not being preachy) but that's just how we view the whole thing.  <strong>We know marriage isn't going to be easy and it's going to have it's challenges and we both know we will have to work at it. </strong> I'm going into the marriage knowing that he's in the military meaning we might move a lot and he's going to be gone a lot and so I'm prepared for all of that.  I agree with you that most people think marriage is going to be so easy and then when it hits a rough spot they just call it quits which is sad...  I know there are many situations where divorce would be appropriate, so I'm definitely not naive to the fact the stuff happens that we would never want to happen or even want to think about happening... Serious talks are never fun, but a definite must before marriage
    Posted by DaKelliAB09[/QUOTE]

    the best point ever!! Marriage is a relationship, just like other relationships it takes work and effort.
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    As a "child of divorce" that thanks the baby Jesus every day that her parents had the strength to make the right decision to no longer be together because they made each other miserable, I personally don't want to get divorced. Divorce isn't the Easter Bunny, you don't have to "believe" in it for it to make it real. 

    We probably won't get a prenup, neither of us are going into this with much of anything, but I don't think that protection of assets is ever a bad idea.
    image
  • divinemsbeedivinemsbee member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Also, to imply that many who are divorced didn't work very hard at their marriages is pretty insulting, sometimes things don't work out. We all want it to, but people change and circumstances change, and sometimes people don't change. Again, no one wants to think about divorce, and I'm sure there are people who do get one for childish reasons, but sometimes you have to let things go, as painful as that is because it's better for you, your spouse, and your family.
    image
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_downer-week-prenump?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0714f42-0f24-4cd8-a676-6bf5596104a5Post:b902aa13-5e24-4f9c-a9e4-3d43f414ff46">Re: downer for the week - prenump?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, to imply that many who are divorced didn't work very hard at their marriages is pretty insulting, sometimes things don't work out. We all want it to, but people change and circumstances change, and sometimes people don't change. Again, no one wants to think about divorce, and I'm sure there are people who do get one for childish reasons, but sometimes you have to let things go, as painful as that is because it's better for you, your spouse, and your family.
    Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]


    Yep, all this.  Plenty of people view marriage as a Disney fairy tale - if it's not 'happily ever after' then it 'wasn't meant to be'.  Rather than, you know, putting in the effort and knowing that things aren't always easy or fun.  I think we're way more prepared for a healthy lifelong commitment than most people I know in real life who are getting or recently got married - we know how to communicate really well, we know how to disagree without fighting, we know how to fight without being mean or hurtful, and we know how to resolve conflict productively.  Not to mention we love each other to pieces, bordering on obsession.  I would rather cut off my left hand than get divorced, and will walk through fire if that's what it takes to make my marriage work, but I do know that there are circumstances where divorce would be our best option.

    image

    Anniversary

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards