Small wedding, big problems

Re: Small wedding, big problems

• kristi-ji

  

  May 2010

  whoa...you "tolerate" his daughter? Bravo for you! Aren't you a catch! I was rasied to believe that the bond between a parent and a child is absolutely precious, one of the most beautiful things in this world, and the very idea that you would, in your own way, remove yourself from that responsibility (you're marrying him! that is going to be your daughter!!), is revolting. And, to be honest, creating a large hole between yourself and your FI. My mother had 5 children with my father before they divorced and began dating again. "Any man who loves me, will love my children."Now I don't know the details of your relationsihps, but I think you need to breathe, have a drink, and focus on building a life with the man you love - and that means accepting everytihng about him, including his family and his past. Not just accepting, loving, cherishing, adoring even the things you might not like that much. Think about it, have a drink, and try again tomorrow. 

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• Wildecherrybride member

  

  May 2010

  Not that anything i say could possibly revoke my skankwhore, douchebag status on here but here's giving it a go.
  
  The reason his family and I do not get along is that I am white and he is non-white, they have always deliberately treated me differently to the way they treat their other children's partners, from the very first time he took me to meet them. They have tested my boundaries and my niceness time and time again, even when I let it slide and say nothing for fear of offending them.
  
  I have tried to integrate myself with his family and his daughter before. We arranged to visit on a day when his daughter would be with his parents so that we could all spend the day together and they agreed. His family, without notifying us, deliberately made other plans to take his daughter to the beach and to exclude us from the trip as there was not enough space in the vehicles for the two of us as well. We went to visit and ended up spending the day alone at their place waiting for them to come home so we could all spend time together, having to leave before they returned home as we use public transport. He has visited them since that incident and they have done the same thing over and over again, so I stopped visiting alltogether.
  
  On the flip side of the coin, they have only made an effort to visit us at our home once in the four years that my FI and I have been living together, they do not call him unless they want something for him, not even to ask if he is still okay. We have made it clear that our home is open to them and that they can come visit.
  
  My FI has not had much contact with his daughter since her birth because his family always seem to make plans to take her out when he arranges to visit or his ex-girlfriend has other things to do with the child when he arrives. Not to mention the vast distance between his ex-girlfriend and family and us. I myself have only had contact with his daughter once in the more than four years we have been together. If I was such a horrible skankwhore douche, would I bake for her birthday, encourage him to visit even when his ex-girlfriend is being bitchy to him and help hm pick out gifts? I may not be ready to be a step-mother as I am only 22 but I am far from nasty with her. I also don't think that just because I am not ready to be a mother does not mean I should not marry the man I love and who loves me.
  
  There is a void the size of the grand canyon between my family, us and his family with regards to distance and general relations, which we have tried to patch up. However, when his parents don't care enough to pick up a phone to call him in months (he has to call them to make contact) and when they deliberately treat us differently to their other children, there comes a point where you stop trying if you see that what you are doing is not getting a response.
  
  When I met him, I had grand ideas of integrating with his family but everything we have done as a couple to make that happen has been spurned. Maybe that puts a few things into perspective, maybe not.

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• melissamc2 member

  

  May 2010

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:195cc92c-bff9-4671-a59a-ca89a49b6811Post:8d63cf1b-0d98-46e7-9ddb-d4727afad4cd">Re: Small wedding, big problems</a>:
  [QUOTE]Can you explain why you don't get along with his family? 
  Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]
  
  My guess is because they frown upon crazy.  And women who want to exclude their fiance's daugther from the wedding.

  10-10-10

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  May 2010

  ::shakes head::
  
  So let  me get this straight.  Your FI lets his parents walk all  over him when it comes to his own child?
  
  Wow. 
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• mizri

  

  May 2010

  If you're not ready to be a step-mother, then I'm glad the wedding is so far off that maybe by then you will have grown up and realize that to love him is to love his daughter.  Life doesn't wait until you're ready for things, you make yourself ready when life gives you what it will.  I wasn't ready to be a mother, but I became one 5 years ago.  I suggest you get over that real fast.  And as for your OP, let the girl be in the wedding.  It means a lot to him and his daughter, therefore it should mean a lot to you, too.  Or at least it would if you really love him.

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• TurtlesAllTheWayDown member

  

  May 2010

  So your FI wants HIS DAUGHTER to be the flower girl in HIS WEDDING and you're telling him no? What?
  
  And yeah, you can't get through dinner for 2 hours with people you don't know? I'm pretty sure this will not be an issue. Do you ever go to dinner parties or work events?
  

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• TurtlesAllTheWayDown member

  

  May 2010

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:195cc92c-bff9-4671-a59a-ca89a49b6811Post:bdec457c-6855-4486-a886-9f9d2e69f8aa">Re: Small wedding, big problems</a>:
  [QUOTE]Not that anything i say could possibly revoke my skankwhore, douchebag status on here but here's giving it a go. The reason his family and I do not get along is that I am white and he is non-white, they have always deliberately treated me differently to the way they treat their other children's partners, from the very first time he took me to meet them. They have tested my boundaries and my niceness time and time again, even when I let it slide and say nothing for fear of offending them. I have tried to integrate myself with his family and his daughter before. We arranged to visit on a day when his daughter would be with his parents so that we could all spend the day together and they agreed. His family, without notifying us, deliberately made other plans to take his daughter to the beach and to exclude us from the trip as there was not enough space in the vehicles for the two of us as well. We went to visit and ended up spending the day alone at their place waiting for them to come home so we could all spend time together, having to leave before they returned home as we use public transport. He has visited them since that incident and they have done the same thing over and over again, so I stopped visiting alltogether. On the flip side of the coin, they have only made an effort to visit us at our home once in the four years that my FI and I have been living together, they do not call him unless they want something for him, not even to ask if he is still okay. We have made it clear that our home is open to them and that they can come visit. My FI has not had much contact with his daughter since her birth because his family always seem to make plans to take her out when he arranges to visit or his ex-girlfriend has other things to do with the child when he arrives. Not to mention the vast distance between his ex-girlfriend and family and us. I myself have only had contact with his daughter once in the more than four years we have been together. If I was such a horrible skankwhore douche, would I bake for her birthday, encourage him to visit even when his ex-girlfriend is being bitchy to him and help hm pick out gifts? I may not be ready to be a step-mother as I am only 22 but I am far from nasty with her. I also don't think that just because I am not ready to be a mother does not mean I should not marry the man I love and who loves me. There is a void the size of the grand canyon between my family, us and his family with regards to distance and general relations, which we have tried to patch up. However, when his parents don't care enough to pick up a phone to call him in months (he has to call them to make contact) and when they deliberately treat us differently to their other children, there comes a point where you stop trying if you see that what you are doing is not getting a response. When I met him, I had grand ideas of integrating with his family but everything we have done as a couple to make that happen has been spurned. Maybe that puts a few things into perspective, maybe not.
  Posted by Wildecherrybride[/QUOTE]
  
  You may not be ready to be a mother, but HE is a FATHER. He IS. You have to deal with that.
  
  Also, he needs to drag his ex into court if she's keeping him from seeing his daughter and instead just handing her over to his parents. You all sound like winners.

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• ohwhynot member

  

  May 2010

  Does your fi even have visitation rights with his own daughter?  It sounds as if he does not, as his family is doing most of the visitation and excluding him as they  choose. 
  
  Before you even think of marrying this man, make sure he gets his parental rights legally established, gets a custody/visitation plan legally established, and pays all court-ordered child support.   From your last post, it doesn't appear that he has done any of this. 

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• mizri

  

  May 2010 edited May 2010

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-wedding-big-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:195cc92c-bff9-4671-a59a-ca89a49b6811Post:2ddcee79-d0ba-48a2-85f7-f54cbc038e8b">Re: Small wedding, big problems</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small wedding, big problems : You may not be ready to be a mother, but HE is a FATHER. He IS. You have to deal with that. Also, he needs to drag his ex into court if she's keeping him from seeing his daughter and instead just handing her over to his parents. You all sound like winners.
  Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>True, if he is paying child support, then there is visitation in the court orders.  If the ex is not following that, she can be held in contempt of the court orders.  He needs to take her to court over it.  Especially if you've been together 4 years and you've only seen the daughter once.  Do you live together?  If so, then the child should be at your house at least one weekend a month, pending on how the order is set up.</div><div>
  </div><div>ETA- had to correct spelling</div>

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• SparrowSong member

  

  May 2010

  I ask honestly, and not in a snarky way, why are you guys having a wedding? If nobody gets along, and everyone is awful, and it's going to be one big evening of awkwardness, and nobody has any desire whatsoever to come together as one big family, why do it? Why don't you elope and make the wedding something special with just you two? I just can't imagine any wedding plans looked upon with this much dread should be happening in the first place.

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• melissamc2 member

  

  May 2010

  I say this as nicely as possible - if you are not "ready" to be a step-parent, then you are not ready to marry anyone with a child.

  10-10-10

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• LD1970 member

  

  May 2010

  Why is your lameass fiance not taking his ex-girlfriend and/or family to court to enforce his visitation?  You sure you want to marry someone that spineless?

  You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  

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