Name Change

Re: Name Change

• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  May 2012

  You're not being disrespectful by not taking his name (you're rejecting his name, not him as a person), but I think you're maybe both being a little insensitive.  He's obviously upset that you're not taking his name, and I feel like your attitude is a little "too bad, so sad, get over it," when, given the circumstances you've described, perhaps a little more empathy is warranted.  That said, he also needs to be a little more empathetic to you - you're obviously as attached to your name as he is to his, so he should be able to understand why you feel strongly about this.  Overall, it just doesn't seem, from your post, like either one of you is making all that much of an effort to see the other's point of view, and it seems like that's the real issue here, not your name.

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• SmirkySmile63

  

  May 2012 edited May 2012

  Thank you Steph, its good to have an impartial audience to get a new view.  I do see your point.  I know I can be a little bull headed when I think I'm right.  I thought that letting our future kids have his name and adding his to mine was a good compromise, but I came up with and executed that compromise myself, so maybe we should have had more of a conversation about that so he would feel like he was more part of the process. Hindsight is 20/20! 
  
  If you have any suggestions (beyond changing my name of course) I would be very open to trying them.  I hate having discord between us, but I'm at a loss as to how to come to an agreement we're both happy with.  Its such a minor thing, but I know I would be resentful if I had to change mine, and I feel like he's resentful that I'm not.  Its being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
  
  

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• StephBeanWed61502 member

  

  May 2012

  Here's the thing - I think hyphenating probably is the best compromise for you, but as you noticed yourself, it's something you need to talk through and decide together (and believe me, I get how hard that can be - I've single-handedly masterminded a few "compromises" myself over the course of my relationship with FI).  Try to find a time to talk this through with him when you're both calm and not worked up, so you can both approach things rationally instead of emotionally.  It might not be a bad idea to meet with a marriage counselor or other neutral party for a session or two to get some help talking this through calmly instead of emotionally.

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• Lisa50 member

  

  May 2012

  Am I being disrespectful by not taking his name? Is he being sensitive? And most importantly, if anyone has been through this, how has it been?  Is he still resentful?  Did you change it to his? Did he get over it?
  
  Good questions.  Only you know if you are being disrespectful by not taking your husband's last name.  This is not a law, it's a societal/cultural tradition.  This is your choice, not his.  You would not be the first to change your name to please a man, though.  I'd say, yes, your FI is being sensitive.  How old is he?  Has he worked more than a couple of years?  I find it odd that he hasn't encountered women who have not changed their last names.  
  
  I have not been through any sort of angst.  My husband recognizes changing a name is a huge, big deal and a pain in the arse.  Neither he nor I want to do it.  In fact, we made a joke of it when the young lady at the marriage license counter started telling me about paperwork I'd need when I "go to change your name."  I looked at my (then) FI and said, "I'm not changing my name.  Are you??"  He looked at me and said, "I'm not changing my name.  Are you??" 
  
  His ego/manhood are not at all threatened because he and I do not have the same last name.  It does not make us any less married nor does it make us any less committed.  It makes us very compatible couple who understand and respect one another and each other's wishes.
  
  My son from my first marriage has his father's last name (I never changed my name).  Many of his friends and teachers call me Mrs. exH's LastName.  I'm okay with it.
  
  Your FI is wrong that being called Mrs. Jones by someone who doesn't know any better is the same as making the decision to abort your life-long last name and append someone else's to yours. 
  
  How did the two of you get this far without one of you making some sort of an attitude (or other) adjustment? I've seen this back-and-forth on these boards for quite a while. I don't envy your situation. Good luck!

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• pgcp member

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-10?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2837478f-cf70-42de-b9a7-c3c69fbf8802Post:01ee64c5-1f0f-46bf-bf35-961b31132189">Name Change</a>:
  [QUOTE] "people were going to call me Mrs.Jones anyway, so get used to it!"
  Posted by SmirkySmile63[/QUOTE]
  I would have looked at him strangely and said "Ok?"
  
  I am always surprised by these types of issues.  I currently live in a traditional/conservative area and have lived in other similar areas.  I've never seen or heard anyone make a fuss over a woman's choice in name post wedding, other than at the Secretary of State office when I first changed my driver's licence a million years ago. 
  
  People cope just fine when they learn what name a woman is using.  Sure if you choose something other than what is tradition you might get called Mrs. So and so.  If or when that happens, all you need to do is gently correct that person if it actually matters for the situation.

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• SmirkySmile63

  

  May 2012

  Thank you.  For what it's worth, if someone makes an assumption and calls me Mrs. Jones I'll either answer to it if its not a big deal, or like you said politely correct them.  I live in Brooklyn and work in Manhattan and women not changing their names is fairly common.  Some of his married friends have different last names, so when I told him my decision a few months ago and he didn't really comment, I assumed he was cool with it.  You know what they say about assuming....   We ususally can come to reasonble agreements about things we differ on pretty easily, so I was just a little taken aback by his reaction. 
  
  On a slightly related personal pet peeve note: I'm getting my RSVPs back and quite a few are filled out as Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.  It doesn't bother me to see other people do it, but I would be annoyed to receive an invitation as "Mr. and Mrs. John Jones".  I mentioned it to my mom, who did change her name, and she said that being referred to as Mrs. Richard Sun bothered her too.  (Not a question or criticism of course, just an observation of my own feelings of identity and name)

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• jlyon148

  

  May 2012

  I was adamently against ever changing my last name before I got engaged(my dad died when I was young and I wanted to keep his name). I have now realized that for my fiance it is very important that I take his name and I have accepted it. It's different for each couple and you should do what you are comfortable with. I had considered hypenating but then my last name would be  Lyon-Wolfe...My son has my last name(he is the only male in his generation in my entire extended family with our last name) so he will carry it on for the family, which is important to me that our family name continues, along with any future children my brother may have.

  

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• aragx6 member

  

  May 2012

  I don't mind too much changing my name because FI has been so supportive about it, but if he'd pitched anything resembling a fit I probably wouldn't change it at all. That might come across as spiteful, but I'm not convinced it is. You changing your name is a huge deal and he needs to respect whatever you choose to do.
  
  One thing you could consider, is adding your last name as second middle name and taking his last names-- that's what I'm doing and it works for me.

  

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• KRoark87

  

  May 2012

  I don't think it's disrepectful at all. The idea that women HAVE to take the groom's name no questions asked is old hat nowadays. I personally think it's an old, sexist idea tyed to the old purpose of weddings in which fathers sold their daughters as property.
  
  You have every right to keep your name. If he doesn't respect that, then he doesn't respect your individuality quite frankly. So yes. You should tell him, too bad, so sad because you're already compromising quite a bit here. He's not having to change HIS name and you're willing to have your children take his name so I don't see the issue. The only issue I do see is that your identity is being challenged and THAT is disrepectful.
  
  I am keeping my whole entire name because I can't part with it. It's who I am and my fiance loves me for who I am. Therefore he is okay with it. Yours should be too.

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