Need some support

Re: Need some support

• needle&thread member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Stop doing it!  If you are comfortable with each other...then thats it!! (look at my middle siggy)  You don't defend anything--you are treating your relationship as if you owe the world an explanation!!  Ignore it (I know its easier said than done!!)
  
  I'm black(with a bunch of other stuff), he's white(with a bunch of other stuff).  As my FI always says--we aren't different races-we're the human race!  We were on the pier in Philly--and got bunches of stares--and he kept kissing me and I kept kissing him back...and?  what?  I have been to his coast--much different attitude--really laid back no stares.
  
  People only do to you what you let them!  Do not give ANYONE power over you!!  Now since you said you are rushing into it---your words---I would go to counseling (religious or otherwise) because you want an unbiased view of your relationship; not the color of it.  I would initially go alone and not mention race--just to get an honest opinion about how 'fast' this is happening.
  
  Just playing devil's advocate...maybe dad doesn't like the speed of the relationship.
  My mother couldn't stand my first husband (he/I same race)--and did not come to my wedding!!!  She thought that if she didn't come, that I wouldn't do it...well not so!  Got married, had a child...things were ok, then, drama!  She was right!!! But she didn't articulate what she felt; which was interpreted by me as 'control'.  Believe it or not parents have temper tantrums!  They are so used to having their way with us (kids) they cannot handle that someone else will be the focus of our lives.
  
  My mom is gone now--and I won't ever have her at any wedding (hope this is the last one).  She will never help me pick out a gown, fix my veil or give me something borrowed or blue.
  
  Take your dad out to a neutral place to talk--not his house, not your house; or if you can't, send him a card with everything you want to say (no arguments when you read-do a rough draft first).
  
  I wish you the best...but take an honest look at the 'speed'...not the color!  ((hugs))

  S and CJ
  

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• Cynthia1207 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  You shouldn't have to defend your relationship to anybody.  If you just act as a couple people will come to respect you as one no matter what color or ethnicity each one of you is.
  
  I am a little worried about the "rushing into it" part.  Why are you rushing?  Marriage is something to take seriously and to be quite honest I don't think I would be able to marry a man that my family didn't support me marrying.  I'm sure there's something deeper going on here than the color of his skin.
  
  Talk to your dad one on one and ask him what his worries are.  Let him talk to you, don't interrupt and don't defend anything.  It's hard but you need to know what it is that's bothering him.  Let him get his side of the story out and then share yours.  You must have some insecurities as well so take the time to talk about them.
  
  Fi is the third Cuban I have dated and the first thing he said when he met my mom was: Please give me a chance to prove myself before judging me.  (The other two had hurt me pretty badly)  Well my parents gave him that chance and they adore him now.  At the beginning it was all: what are you doing?  Another one?  You're going to get heartbroken again....blablabla
  
  We didn't rush into anything and I think that's the best guarded secret anyone can give you.  Rushing means you'll skip over some important details and that's not something you want to do when you're planning on spending your life with someone.

  

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• jsleik

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm sorry you're in this spot.
  
  I think you have some good advice above.  I know that race wasn't an issue with my parents, but they were worried with the fact that he was from another country and didn't fully understand customs and norms from where my fiance is from.  They wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting into something I didn't expect.  I think they were a little worried about us "rushing" as well.  We got engaged 6 months after we met.  But, after a chance for my parents to talk to my fiance and get answers about their concerns, they felt better.  They realized he is getting a green card totally independent of our marriage, comes from a loving family, loves his parents, isn't after me for money (which is lucky since I don't have any!) and that we really just love each other.  Once they could do that, then they started to realize I not only found a great guy, but he is perfect for me.  In fact, now they think I should start trying to get pregnant before the wedding!  Now who is rushing??  :-) 
  
  It could be that they have other concerns that are completely unrelated to race.  And you should probably hear those before you get married.
  
  Good luck!

  

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• Lisa50 member

  

  June 2011 edited December 2011

  Take your time.  Both of you owe it to yourselves to settle into the relationship you have ... here and now.  You shouldn't rush to the next step.  Breathe and relax.  Enjoy what you have now!  Good luck.

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