My mother did not come to my wedding!

krimsontide82 · April 2011

My mom is not eluded from me or my family. In fact, she and my father just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. I just got married on 3-25 and my mom didn't get involved with any of the wedding planning. She never went with dress shopping, cake tasting, nothing! She will never know what it is like to see me in my dress or the magic of the day that I worked so hard to pay for all by myself and I even did some things on my own that I was very proud of regarding the decor. She came to rehearsal dinner but didn't show an ounce of emotion and kept telling me she would not be able to go rehearse b/c she was sick and having a panic attack. She has copd and emphazema (spelling) and has had panic attacks in the past but here recently more often. Anyway, this is why she didn't come to my wedding b/c she had one that day. All she has said she is so sorry but she was so sick and she will have to live with this the rest of her life. Now all of sudden when I return from my honeymoon she feels BETTER (great timing) and even had the nerve to tell me the other day that she really wants to get out of the house to return her MOB dress my sister bought her b/c she will never wear it again. I'm done with her and will love her at a distance but this is totally unforgettable. Fact is, she tried to bail on my tea and wedding rehearsal. She doesn't take an interest in my life and hasn't for 29 years. She's not maternal at all. I have tried to have a relationship with her but I always end up getting hurt. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I would totally understand if the sickness were terrible like flu, cancer and thankful it's not of these but on the same token I have a friend who's mom was terminally ill with breast cancer and she showed up in a wheel chair and oxygen to her daughter's wedding.

krimsontide82 · April 2011

I just feel this total emptiness b/c I will never know what it's like to have a close relationship with my mother. She is very selfish and she even had the nerve to tell one of my sister's she didn't come b/c she was scared she would "embarrass me". that really infuriated me b/c she isn't going to put that type of excuse on me. I did nothing but try to include her the entire engagement. My relationship is forever changed with her. I will not go out of my way to try to have a deeper relationship with her. My family is my husband now and when we have kids.

aerinpegadrak · April 2011

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I don't know why you thought your wedding would change her.

MIL didn't come to our wedding, also citing sickness (which we didn't buy, but whatever). DH was actually relieved, because he was dreading having her there. Their relationship sucks, he has no illusions to the contrary.

Although I will say that my mom had no involvement in the wedding planning either, because she lives out of state from both me and the wedding. It wasn't a judgment on our relationship or her interest in my life, it was the simple fact that I didn't need her help and she wasn't close enough for me to bother with the minutiae of party planning.

trix1223 · April 2011

What does "my mom is not eluded from me or my family" mean? Do you mean estranged?

Davesgrl2011 · April 2011

Could you have a good relationship with your mother in law? I'm sorry... she is the one missing out here, and I bet when/if you have kids you will be an AWESOME mother. And she will miss out on them, too. It might help if you copied this letter and sent it to you mother.
My fiance hasn't seen his mother in five years. She is invited to the wedding, but we are taking bets about her actually showing up. He doesn't seem to feel bad about it, but I think it is different for mothers and daughters.
Best of luck to you!

krimsontide82 · April 2011

I'm sorry wrong word choice. I wrote that in a mater of 5 mins b/c I was running out the door for a meeting. I meant estranged. My mom is very needy when it comes to something involving her. I am one of 4 daughters and she jealous of us. If she gets mad at one of us, she becomes mad at all of us. I guess its not fair to say she hasnt been involved in 29 years b/c that isnt totally true. She was involved when I was involved in sports in h.s., but she hasn't ever been into mother/daughter things. She is a loner too and for as long as I can remember she and my dad always watched tv in seperate rooms. Just stating that for an example. Aerinpegdrak- I thought she would come b/c she said several times to me she wanted to spend the day of the wedding with me. But never delivered on it.

Davegrl2011 thank you for your encouraging words. My MIL is great and she and I have really grown close during the entire wedding process. I'm glad I have her to turn to that's for sure.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-did-not-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31e6f90-e7a0-4d93-b0d3-2e9112db29aaPost:2c966a67-d80c-4a42-b166-9399ceda3586">My mother did not come to my wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom is not eluded from me or my family. In fact, she and my father just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. I just got married on 3-25 and my mom didn't get involved with any of the wedding planning. She never went with dress shopping, cake tasting, nothing! She will never know what it is like to see me in my dress or the magic of the day that I worked so hard to pay for all by myself and I even did some things on my own that I was very proud of regarding the decor. She came to rehearsal dinner but didn't show an ounce of emotion and kept telling me she would not be able to go rehearse b/c she was sick and having a panic attack. She has copd and emphazema (spelling) and has had panic attacks in the past but here recently more often. Anyway, this is why she didn't come to my wedding b/c she had one that day. All she has said she is so sorry but she was so sick and she will have to live with this the rest of her life. Now all of sudden when I return from my honeymoon she feels BETTER (great timing) and even had the nerve to tell me the other day that she really wants to get out of the house to return her MOB dress my sister bought her b/c she will never wear it again. I'm done with her and will love her at a distance but this is totally unforgettable. Fact is, she tried to bail on my tea and wedding rehearsal. She doesn't take an interest in my life and hasn't for 29 years. She's not maternal at all. I have tried to have a relationship with her but I always end up getting hurt. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I would totally understand if the sickness were terrible like flu, cancer and thankful it's not of these but on the same token I have a friend who's mom was terminally ill with breast cancer and she showed up in a wheel chair and oxygen to her daughter's wedding.
Posted by krimsontide82[/QUOTE]

I am actually really offended by this. My best friend just lost his mom to emphysema and COPD about three months after his wedding, so yeah, it's a terrible sickness. One day she was fine and going to the doctor for a routine visit and five days later she was dead. And as someone who suffers from chronic anxiety, panic attacks can be pretty damn debilitating too.

I am sorry she didn't show up and isn't maternal, because that does suck. But people don't change just because someone gets married. Move on and enjoy your new life with your husband and don't let the past ruin your future.

Muffin'sMom · April 2011

If she was ill, I'm sorry she missed the day.

That being said, parents are people too. Some are good and some are not. Some are good people and some are not. You are a grown woman. Learn to accept who your mother is as a person. Have the relationship that makes the most sense for you and your family. It is no one's fault...it is what it is.

SSaltzman87 · April 2011

I too would be hurt if my mother didn't come to my wedding either, but I think health takes higher priority than a wedding. If she honestly didn't feel well, then you can't hold that against her. You have every right to feel a little angry. I don't have any experience with COPD, but from what I know it is not something you can live with easily.

But with that said, if your mother has never been 'maternal'- then you really couldn't expect her to change her tune, even if she did say she'd do things with you. You can't control other peoples' actions, you can only control your own. Best of luck to you, DH and your future children :-)

deepcovejackie · April 2011

I"m so sorry she couldn't make it, and yeah I'd be really bummed too. Congrats on making a wonderful day for yourselves in spite of it!

Kniblet · April 2011

My father didn't come to my wedding, due to him being a selfish arse that has been a selfish arse for most of his life. His loss.

I am sorry that your mom didn't show up but all of the other stuff? Going to all the meetings with you? Usually the man you marry does all of that. My mom was very involved but didn't attend tastings and whatnot.

Like PP mentioned, parents are human.

RebeccaB88 · April 2011

Um, emphysema is a terminal illness. What do you think it is, a cold? You'd understand something horrible like the FLU, but not so horrible as something she could die from tomorrow? You sound like peach. Maybe read up on emphysema sometime. Yeah, maybe she does use her illness to manipulate and get attention, and that sucks. Maybe she wasn't there for you during planning. That sucks. But she's gonna DIE, honey. Death trumps wedding.

mandi921vh · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-did-not-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31e6f90-e7a0-4d93-b0d3-2e9112db29aaPost:2c966a67-d80c-4a42-b166-9399ceda3586">My mother did not come to my wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom is not eluded from me or my family. In fact, she and my father just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. I just got married on 3-25 and my mom didn't get involved with any of the wedding planning. She never went with dress shopping, cake tasting, nothing! She will never know what it is like to see me in my dress or the magic of the day that I worked so hard to pay for all by myself and I even did some things on my own that I was very proud of regarding the decor. She came to rehearsal dinner but didn't show an ounce of emotion and kept telling me she would not be able to go rehearse b/c she was sick and having a panic attack. She has copd and emphazema (spelling) and has had panic attacks in the past but here recently more often. Anyway, this is why she didn't come to my wedding b/c she had one that day. All she has said she is so sorry but she was so sick and she will have to live with this the rest of her life. Now all of sudden when I return from my honeymoon she feels BETTER (great timing) and even had the nerve to tell me the other day that she really wants to get out of the house to return her MOB dress my sister bought her b/c she will never wear it again. I'm done with her and will love her at a distance but this is totally unforgettable. Fact is, she tried to bail on my tea and wedding rehearsal. She doesn't take an interest in my life and hasn't for 29 years. She's not maternal at all. I have tried to have a relationship with her but I always end up getting hurt. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I would totally understand if the sickness were terrible like flu, cancer and thankful it's not of these but on the same token I have a friend who's mom was terminally ill with breast cancer and she showed up in a wheel chair and oxygen to her daughter's wedding.
Posted by krimsontide82[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your mom has COPD and emphysema both of which are physical health issues, your mom also has a history of panic attacks and had one on your wedding day, did you know that a panic attack is a psychological disorder? Did you know that experiencing a panic attack is one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experience in a person's life and it may take days to recover from?

</div>

amazonx42 · April 2011

I am sympathetic to the OP because it must have really hurt not to have your mom involved at all.

I guess it depends if it is because she really is sick. She might be (and it does sound serious), or she might be using it as an excuse. We don't all know how apologetic her mom was about it. You would think, a great deal, right? If she is truely not maternal as you can say, you're right, it happens to people. Especially if the mom has a narcisistic personality. My grandomther is a narcisitic, and she let my mother go dress shopping alone.

If your mom also has the narcissitic personality issue, she can't fix that either.

sklink0486 · April 2011

Not having your mother there was obviously very upsetting to you, but honey, she really does have an illness that could be a true reason to not physically be able to make it. Not getting enough oxygen, or less than a person with normal lungs, can make you very tired and weak. It may have been that she was very excited and nervous for your day- hence the panic attack. Panic attack on top of COPD/emphysema= disaster. I work as a nurse in an ICU- believe me, you should not hold this AGAINST her. You have every right to be upset that you weren't able to share your day with your mother, but admit to yourself that you guys don't have a great relationship and that she is sick- whether or not that was really the reason for her not coming. If you want to use this as an excuse to completely end the relationship and then hear that she passed away from COPD/emphysema later, then by all means, go ahead. But I'm pretty sure you will have regrets...unfortunately you can't know for sure whether or not it was an excuse not to come, but because of that, I would maybe give myself some space to cool down so you don't make false accusations to her face, then resume the relationship.

louieblue · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-did-not-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e31e6f90-e7a0-4d93-b0d3-2e9112db29aaPost:2c966a67-d80c-4a42-b166-9399ceda3586">My mother did not come to my wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom is not eluded from me or my family. In fact, she and my father just celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary. I just got married on 3-25 and my mom didn't get involved with any of the wedding planning. She never went with dress shopping, cake tasting, nothing! She will never know what it is like to see me in my dress or the magic of the day that I worked so hard to pay for all by myself and I even did some things on my own that I was very proud of regarding the decor. She came to rehearsal dinner but didn't show an ounce of emotion and kept telling me she would not be able to go rehearse b/c she was sick and having a panic attack. She has copd and emphazema (spelling) and has had panic attacks in the past but here recently more often. Anyway, this is why she didn't come to my wedding b/c she had one that day. All she has said she is so sorry but she was so sick and she will have to live with this the rest of her life. Now all of sudden when I return from my honeymoon she feels BETTER (great timing) and even had the nerve to tell me the other day that she really wants to get out of the house to return her MOB dress my sister bought her b/c she will never wear it again. I'm done with her and will love her at a distance but this is totally unforgettable. Fact is, she tried to bail on my tea and wedding rehearsal. She doesn't take an interest in my life and hasn't for 29 years. She's not maternal at all. I have tried to have a relationship with her but I always end up getting hurt. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I would totally understand if the sickness were terrible like flu, cancer and thankful it's not of these but on the same token I have a friend who's mom was terminally ill with breast cancer and she showed up in a wheel chair and oxygen to her daughter's wedding.
Posted by krimsontide82[/QUOTE]

My heart goes out to you because you are hurt your mother wasn't there for your wedding. But she also has, oh, you know, a seriously debilitating illness. That's probably the main reason she wasn't there.

Also, you say she's never taken an interest in your life and isn't maternal? That's probably another reason why she wasn't interested in the wedding. Not saying it's right, but just because one of her daughters was getting married, you expected her to act differently?

Moms don't have to come to appointments for cake tasting or wedding gowns. My mother and I planned the whole wedding together and not once did she actually come to appointments with me.

Truly try to forgive her. You're only making yourself miserable by dwelling on this. You have a new husband and are starting your married life, which should be happy.

marinabreeze · April 2011

I'm sorry that your mom didn't come to your wedding. It's understandable that you're disappointed.

However, like PPs said, your mom does have debilitating illnesses. COPD and emphysema are no joke. FI's grandmother has emphysema and is on periodic oxygen. Back in November, a BLT sandwich going down the wrong pipe put her in the hospital for about a month, and she almost died. That's big deal stuff. It affects her ability to go places.

Also, panic attacks suck, and when someone has bad anxiety, it can be difficult. My bio mom has pretty bad anxiety, in addition to other health problems. She is invited to my wedding, but I don't think she'll come. She said she'll try to, but realistically I'm not holding my breath. Besides the fact that she's not a particularly sentimental person, she does get very unnerved when it comes to social situations. She didn't attend any of her other kids' weddings. I don't have any illusions about her attending mine.

So while I get that it's really hard to not have had your mother there, it's important to understand that people aren't perfect, not even parents, and either don't or can't always live up to our expectations. And while said expectations might make sense in our heads, they aren't always reasonable to place on those who clearly can't or won't live up to them. Try to think about the people who were there, and that you still got a chance to marry the love of your life, and focus on that.

krimsontide82 · April 2011

Look to everyone who was harshly judgemental, you don't know how much I have been there for my mom with her illnesses. I go to the doctor with her and we go to the emergency room on a pretty regular basis and I AM ALWAYS THERE! I know it's hard to know the whole, full story that has gone on for 29 years. I shouldn't have opened myself up to criticism in this post, but I did. I never said I don't forgive my mom, I just said it's hard to FORGET. My mom is the type of person to get attention and over-exagerrates and will not do what the doctor says. I do realize that her several years of smoking is going to kill her one day. I have actively taken steps to work with her, pray for her and support her emotionally and be her number one coach to help her quit smoking and to promote a healthy lifestyle. She has stopped twice before a month each time but starts back. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IT'S AN ADDICTION. I guess what some of the readers don't know is that my mom CHOSE not to come b/c now she says she regrets not coming and feels really bad. I have not made my mom feel any worse about it than she already does b/c I do know we are human and we are not perfect people. I just told my mom how disappointed I was and how hard I cried when I found out she wasnt coming. I guess if you have never had that void of not having a maternal mom in your life then you wouldn't fully know what that feels like, so have some empathy in that regard. All of my family, future mother in law etc have said that there could have been a way to make it work. it upset my husband and his mom pretty bad b/c his dad would have loved to be there had he been alive but he didn't have that choice. I told my mom when she apologized that I was not going to beat her up about it b/c I could tell she felt bad about it and I know she is sorry but I just needed time to process it all. My friends and family who all know me and what I have been through and seen my mom's actions first hand know where I am coming from and know that I worry myself sick over my mom's health all the time. I am always there for my mother. With all that being said, I just don't understand how she couldn't get it together for a 20 min ceremony. She could leave after the wedding and I would have understood. Just showing some type of effort/interest is all that I long for. All I can do is pray about it and ask for guidance b/c I am at a total loss on what to do. that is why I have asked my mom for some space. I meant when I said our relationship is changed, it is changed in the way that i will not go out of my way to try to seek her affection and get her to spend time with me. That is setting up healthy boundaries for myself so that I will not get let down again and to not cause problems in my new marriage. My wedding day was purely wonderful but it's just sad to know that I will always have that attachment to the day. if you have never experienced that then you will never know. But I want people to know that I am actually a very sympathetic person and go above and beyond for those I love. I'm not a bad person. I'm just sad and dispappointed thats all!

marinabreeze · April 2011

OP, a few things:

People can only go by what you write. You can't expect any of us to get 29 years worth of history from one post, and if you are getting upset at all the PPs because we are writing based on the information given, you're right, you probably shouldn't have posted this to an Internet forum.

Also, I don't think that most PPs were saying that you were wrong for how you felt. Many were just saying to try to see it from her position. I know that at least for myself (and I can speak for only my own intentions), I was only saying that you cannot expect for someone who cannot or will not live up to your expectations to do so, even on a day that is huge for you. If you do this, you will be disappointed every time. And I'm sure you're experiencing this yourself with your mom.

You cannot change people, what bothers them, their challenges, etc. You can only adjust your own expectations and actions to a realistic level.

I am facing the fact that the two people who gave birth to me will not be at my wedding. My dad passed away over four years ago, due to a heart attack after years of not taking care of his body and having it catch up to him well before the age of 60. And if you read my earlier reply about my bio mom you'll know her deal. I write things in a matter-of-fact way, but to be honest I can't say this doesn't bother me, because it does. But I cannot change it.

Neither of my moms (bio mom and my stepmom that was my "real" mom) are particularly maternal people. I did not grow up with bio mom at all (long story). My mom and I have a great relationship now that I'm an adult and we've both mellowed out, but growing up she was kind of a harsh person who held grudges against her own kids over stupid stuff (whether we were step, adopted or bio, we were all treated the same). Even when I helped her with my brother for a little while after my dad died, at times she wasn't the easiest person to deal with.

So I get nonmaternal. Trust me, I do. However, one thing I have learned from my childhood and adult experiences with my family is that you cannot change other people or expect them to behave any way other than how they normally do. They are how they are. Trying to understand things from your mom's point of view can help.

Also, just knowing that while you mom probably loves you, she just isn't going to be the kind of mom you would've liked her to be (whether it's due to health issues, anxiety, or whatever else), can help you come to terms and maybe in the future look at it differently. I don't think anyone expects you to forget that your mom didn't come to your wedding. But it's about trying to adjust your expectations, and maybe look at things from a more positive perspective (who was there, etc.), rather than the focus on who wasn't there.

amazonx42 · April 2011

Krimsontide, I sent you a PM.

MissCal11 · April 2011

krimsontide, based on your OP, it sounds like your mother may have a personality disorder. NPD, as amazon suggested. My step-father has that and he made my life hell growing up. I no longer have a relationship with him and finally feel free to be happy.

It really sucks that your mother did not come nor was she interested in your wedding. It sounds like another crappy thing she did as your parent. I can understand that you'd feel really disappointed. No matter how much you know your parent hasn't been a good one, you still hope (if you still have a relationship with them) that can be happy for you and come to your wedding.

Please don't let some of the psoters on here make you feel bad because you aren't being "dutiful enough" or "forgiving enough" of her. Your mother is ill now, but it does not excuse 29 years of crap that she put you through. If you want to forgive her, do it. Please don't let other people try to bully you into doing it because she's sick.

You are starting your own family now, and you can get all the love and support you didn't get from your family of origin. Move forward, but I suggest you find a good therapist to help you deal with your past. I have, and it's not easy, but it is leading me to the happy life I finally realize I deserve! I wish the same for you.

MissCal11 · April 2011

Clarification: When I mean forgive, I mean forgive how she wasn't the best parent to you. If she was really truly sick on your wedding day, there isn't much you can do about it. But if she was using it as an excuse, that is just more of the same bad parenting. It just stings a little more.

mgreen · January 2014

Hi, I know this post is old, but I had to comment because I can relate. My mother also had COPD, and had panic attacks and did not attend my wedding either. At the time she wasn't even on oxygen yet so it was hard for me to understand, if she was truly that sick or just did not want to attend. Like your mother my mom was never maternal, so this was just one of many milestones in my life that was missed. I was married over 11 years ago and her not attending hurt me to the core. That is until I understood the severity of her ailment. I watched her lung capacity reduce to 20% where its like breathing through a straw. She was on oxygen 24 hours a day about 7 years into my marriage, not to mention the multiple scares we had with trips to the emergency room. She lost her battle and died last year. I now understand what she was going through, and during her early stages she was scared to come to terms with her condition. My point is try to enjoy your mother as much as possible, and let it go. Its hard to understand the way this disease deteriorates the body unless you actually have it.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

@mgreen: this post is nearly three years old. Commenting is beyond pointless.

@KnotPorscha, close please?

My mother did not come to my wedding!

Re: My mother did not come to my wedding!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards