Since we are all interracial couples, what problems have you faced..

happe2gether · January 2011

during the wedding planning process?

I always find this interesting because not only are we all planning weddings, but we are all probably trying to mesh two cultures.

JSweetieXO · January 2011

Well, nowadays I haven't heard any rude things. We first dated in HS. My mom was completely against it and I was REALLY confused why. I didn't understand how she was saying he was a different race. I was like no he isn't! lol I kept dating him but he broke up with me later that summer because of issues he was having personally which I found out about what 16 years later??? lol. Oh well , we are together again now and happier than ever.

Appanrently his stepdad had an issue with him dating a white girl too. This I don't get at all because FI's mom is white.

MsDiamondPrincess · February 2011

When we first started dating his mom was against it. She never said anything to me but she was always a lot cooler towards me than his brother's girl friend. FI would ask her about it and she would always deny it. We had a huge blowout over some comments she made and fI stopped talking to her for about a month. She later apologized and things have gotten better. Some of my friends make comments but who cares about them!

mrswac58 · February 2011

W e havent really faced any issues since planning that were race related. Any issues we faced had to do with facing cultural changes. I moved from LA, CA to a small, predominately white town in the midwest.

We had a similar. but not, beginning as some of you. Apparently, His parents were concerned at first because they figured i was some sort of golddigger. They were worried that I would possibly take advantage of him and use him for his finances. lol When fiance told me that, I fell out laughin. If he got some money, I surely didnt know. They've since realized that isnt the case at all. I was a lil insulted at first, but i blame that on their ignorance of me and genuine concern for their child.

My parents were cool from the beginning. It took my mom a min to warm up to him but it didnt seem any different than its been for any other guy i've dated.

Cynthia1207 · February 2011

we haven't really faced any ethnic related problems during our planning process. It was mostly at the beginning when people found out what nationality FI was, they were like: Oh no. Not again. You're going to get hurt again. Be careful. (FI was the 3rd cuban I'd been with) I used to answer with :Well 3rd time's the charm! And now look where we are.

blaxnubian · February 2011

Our biggest issue has been his mother. She likes me as a person but she's made it very clear that she's not excited about being a grandmother to a bi-racial child or that my skin is dark. She's made comments in front of my FI and I to the point where I've had to step back and think to myself "Did she really say that?" All my FI says is that she's from that generation. It just makes me think if she can say that to my face, imagine what she's saying behind it.

Cassandra

JloveB · February 2011

we haven't faced problems planning the wedding because I have choose to not include family from either sides in the process because I don't want their opinions (not from my family or his)..... but our engagment party was tough, his parents and family wanted a party that was all persian without any parts of who I was as a person...in the end...they won the battle as I took it as a sign and lesson to not let anyone help out with the wedding..we argued over the food...the type of party...I wanted a simple engagment party...they wanted some big party that would cost more than what should have been spent, money that could have went towards the wedding...I wanted music that me and FI like (he doesn't like traditional persian music) his brother and family wanted persian music so even though it was our day, it was really a party for everyone else and not us, his brother decided to be the dj, even though we said we were okay with just playing music from an ipod...ugh...so he play persian songs all night...typical persian party...my one chance to be around persian and not be at a persian styled party were gone...lol ...but it was just a day..we'd all live afterward......

I enjoyed myself still because the little bit of my family that could make it did but I was sad that it wasn't the type of music or food I would have wanted...the wedding though...people from both side of the family make comments about how they are hurt that I won't include them in on the process but I want to mixed of both cultures and I don't want one culture to bully me into making it an all traditonal black wedding or an all traditional persian wedding so I keep them out of the plans..I give them little jobs to do when I need them but that is about it.

FI parents were planning on helping us with the wedding but then blew uneccesary money on the engagment party to were they could no longer help us with the wedding...so they suggested we move it to where I was born in denver...I didn't want that because like a wedding in orange county the guest would be just from one side of the family because like FI family here, I have a large family out there that I can't just invite some, I have to invite everyone....so I figured I'd move it somewhere to make everyone travel...so instead we move the wedding to the state I am from but in the mountains where it would be 3 - 4 hours away from where my family lives and in a location where it will cost more than usual for people to come but they can treat it as a luxury mini vacation...... so now FI family is upset and his dad says things like if we move the wedding back to cali he will pay for it??? ugh...or they say we probably will get more gifts if we move it back...(I didn't know we were getting married for gifts...I could care less about anyones gifts...my gift is to be husband and wife) so I am a little annoyed by that...

so for us it isn't so much culture wise just two crazy big families..

blaxnubian - I hope your FI stand up for you...I don't care if his mother is from another generation...she still should have respect for what she says to you in front of you or maybe you should let her know some of the things she says are not nice...sometimes people don't do it purposly but if you don't tell them they don't know it is an insult.

brande87 · February 2011

No issues with planning. I just don't find a lot of things caterered to black american brides. The inspiration boards don't have enough people of color to really make a board that inspires me so I created my own outside of the Knot.

At the bridal fair there were no makeup artist that could give me tips on makeup because they had never done makeup on a black american bride. I don't wear makeup and want to look nice in my pictures, so this is a must for me.

Our families are not an issue and our friends are happy for us. What more could I ask for?

EsquireJL · February 2011

Our parents still have yet to meet and he doesn't get some of my families cultural refences. We are also having very interesting convos about music choice for the reception.

JloveB · February 2011

brande87 - you should check out the AAW board...a lot of those women have lots of inspiration and help when it come to things for black american brides.

olywillis · February 2011

None so far...unfortunately, both of my FI's parents are deceased. His grandma is sweet as pie. We both are probably not inviting a lot of extended family and even if we did, it would likely be fine.

pinkcottoncandy7 · February 2011

So far not much. Which is nice and makes it all so less stressful.

marinabreeze · February 2011

My FI and I haven't had any race-related issues with our families. His family adores me, and mine like him also. Most of our friends, with a couple of exceptions, are fine with our relationship also. One of my friends was against our relationship from the get-go due mostly to the race issue.

There's been a little resistance among a few of my friends due more to the religous difference (I'm Christian, he's spiritual but isn't a follower of organized religion), that's been more an issue - at least with other people but not within our relationship - than race.

Lisa50 · February 2011

We haven't faced any problems with regard to race, thankfully. This is my second marriage (the first was interracial, also), FI's third.

For us, our differences are experienced as individual differences, not cultural ones. I don't know if that's a function of age (I'm 50, he's 54) or outlook on life. We've been to different family events where he's been the only white person and I've been the only black person -- no big deal.

aghouston86 · February 2011

Hey all!!! Sooo glad this board was created!!

I'm AA, and my FI is Salvadorian. We haven't experienced any problems so much in regards to planning but more so mixing the cultures when it comes to the menu. Also kinda funny, when we were looking at photographers recently, I told him that I didn't want to hire the people that did his brothers wedding last year, for photos and video, because they wern't my style. Why? Well because I could basically shoot the photos myself and have them come out the same way, and the video, I won't even get started on that. We have these things in the area that I live in that we refer to as "typical hispanic things" and let's just say the video is one of those.

We have a lot of differences as far as cultural, like the greeting everyone individually with a handshake, if you don't you are RUDE, and they WILL talk about you. And we haven't really experienced and racial tension within our families, although one of his cousins made a comment to FI's grandmother once when she came to visit from El Salvador, about why FI wasn't dating a Salvadorian girl, but I seceretly think she was jealous, there is a looong back story on that though. And out and about in the community we get a lot of stares from hispanic girls and older hispanic women, probably shocked that this fine hispanic guy, my FI, is with a black girl, lol. I think I tend to win people over though because I speak spanish fluently, which came as a huge shocker to everyone in FI's family, but I think that's one of the main reasons why they accepted me so quickly.

josieandjob · February 2011

I am not sure how big of an issue it is...but kinda something we had to think about, fiance is black Haitian and I am white german. We were thinking of have our wedding ceremony and reception at Jungle Island in Miami, FL and one of my friends from work who is also in an interracial marriage, told me I probably don't want to have my wedding there...due to the connotation the name of the place could have. I'm really glad she brought that up, I wouldn't want those type of things to come across from our guests. Does anyone have any ideas about this? If it would really be an issue? Or are we smart in staying away from places like this?
Thanks!
Josie

thorpta · February 2011

The hardest part about being an interracial couple in this process is sometimes people are very surprised when they actually see us together. But this isn't any different than when we visit my hometown. I am biracial and he is white so from my family's point of view interracial relationships was normal. But I grew up in a rural, very rural town and he grew up closer to the city. His family was just fine with it. His mother was difficult but that had more to do with him being the oldest son. She has finally gotten over that. It is hard for him to see how people stare or treat me and he wants to stand up for this injustice. It has been a work in progress around how if you get upset at everything you are just angry and living a miserable life. So now he has more understanding it what it means to walk around looking like I do and is appropriately sensitive to it so in picking wedding vendors etc he has been really perceptive about us "meshing" well with our vendors because we wouldn't want to support anyone or any organization that wasn't like-minded to us (e.g. open-minded and nonjudgmental).

I am really happy to see so many interracial couples on this board. It helps to know that the norm is changing for the positive.

Rodneyshia · February 2011

My FI and I havent really had any issues about the wedding execpt for the menu. He's mexican and im Black. I have been trying to make the menu appealing to both sides of the family but it is hard to do when people on both sides are close minded. I coul really use some help with this.

And as far as family issues go, his grandmother and great grandparents , ect. on his mothers side are racist. They dont like me because i am black... he says he dont care because hes marrying me and theres nothing they can do about it. They said that they will disown his mother and his brothers and him if he marries a negrita (black girl). They also wont accept his children as part of their family because they will be too dark.. I am so annoyed by this! Any advice anyone? I could really use it..

[Deleted User] · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interracial-weddings_interracial-couples-problems-faced?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:c9069c39-6e1f-4397-9e66-aeb7ed51fccbDiscussion:2419029b-aada-42fb-ae1d-333c43450422Post:2623103a-2827-4c1b-8612-e68559173884">Re: Since we are all interracial couples, what problems have you faced..</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I havent really had any issues about the wedding execpt for the menu. He's mexican and im Black. I have been trying to make the menu appealing to both sides of the family but it is hard to do when people on both sides are close minded. I coul really use some help with this. And as far as family issues go, his grandmother and great grandparents , ect. on his mothers side are racist. They dont like me because i am black... he says he dont care because hes marrying me and theres nothing they can do about it. They said that they will disown his mother and his brothers and him if he marries a negrita (black girl). <strong>They also wont accept his children as part of their family because they will be too dark</strong>.. I am so annoyed by this! Any advice anyone? I could really use it..
Posted by Rodneyshia[/QUOTE]

this doesn't make any sense to me at all. MANY hispanics are very dark, including my FI. he is half mexican, half mije (which is mexican nationality but more like an aztec in ethnicity). i am white, blonde and blue eyed. they all call me "guerita" (little blonde girl) but it's only meant in affection. we've had minimal problems with his family. my family, on the other hand... it was rough in the beginning but it's all smoothing out.

i'm sorry that you're experiencing this. i'm lucky in that i was accepted so easily into FI's family, because i know that hispanic families are generally very close-knit. my FI is the first to marry a non-hispanic in his family (except for some random great-uncle that married a blonde Spaniard... still hispanic, but not dark).

his aunts and mom are very insistent on teaching me to cook traditional mexican foods... tortillas from scratch, beans, flautas, enchiladas, breakfast scrambles... at first i was resistant (FI and i try to be health-concious, and those foods really aren't very healthy loaded with lard, haha!) and they weren't happy about it. however, i've been asking more about the foods and wedding traditions and family traditions, and that really smoothed things over between them. they appreciate that i am interested in learning about them and i think it makes the cultural gap feel a little less threatening.

i don't know if the relationship between you/FI and his family is at a point where you could try to express interest in their culture (food is a good one to start with), but it might be worth a try. and remember, loving and being good to your man will make more of an impression on them than anything else... it reaches across all racial boundaries! :)

i'm rambling, so i'll stop. HTH! :)

blaxnubian · February 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interracial-weddings_interracial-couples-problems-faced?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:c9069c39-6e1f-4397-9e66-aeb7ed51fccbDiscussion:2419029b-aada-42fb-ae1d-333c43450422Post:2623103a-2827-4c1b-8612-e68559173884">Re: Since we are all interracial couples, what problems have you faced..</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I havent really had any issues about the wedding execpt for the menu. He's mexican and im Black. I have been trying to make the menu appealing to both sides of the family but it is hard to do when people on both sides are close minded. I coul really use some help with this. And as far as family issues go, his grandmother and great grandparents , ect. on his mothers side are racist. They dont like me because i am black... he says he dont care because hes marrying me and theres nothing they can do about it. They said that they will disown his mother and his brothers and him if he marries a negrita (black girl). <strong>They also wont accept his children as part of their family because they will be too dark</strong>.. I am so annoyed by this! Any advice anyone? I could really use it..
Posted by Rodneyshia[/QUOTE]
I understand what you're feeling on this one. His mother (fiance is white) is so worried about our future kids, her grandkids, being too dark that she's already told my mother that she'll be the fun grandmother. I hope (for my family as well as yours) that they'll come around. If not, they're going to miss out on your wedding, their grandson and future great grand kids. It's a shame because your love for each other should be positive enough but unfortunately that's not the case all the time. Stay strong people!

Cassandra

needle&thread · February 2011

I haven't had any problems with his family at all-not even a hint...but one of my maids was shocked to find that my FI is white (long distance relationship). One night we had a girls night and one of my bridesmaids said that he was cute with his blue eyes...and my maid started laughing (everytime he comes to town shes busy). Everyone at the table stopped and stared at her---she said 'what?' I said to her 'you do realize that FI is white'. She hadn't...so I immediately asked her would it be a problem for her to be my moh...in front of everyone...she said no...but she was still in shock--saying ' i didn't think you would marry a white man'. I said to her 'when was the last time you were married at all?'...color has never been a problem for me; maybe if you weren't so color-struck and think out of the box you would have been married by now...(shes 52 and still has yet to be married at all).

Still got a year to go before the wedding...if she 'comes around' ok but if not..Im keeping it moving...got a stand-in already...just in case...

BTW, my bridesmaids are from various different countries and nationalities... Vietnam, Puerto Rico, etc...

My wedding will be a representation of the United Nations...

S and CJ

BethanyAnn26 · March 2011

Families can be difficult to deal with sometimes! Personally, our families have been GREAT, except for my grandfather. He is against our interracial relationship, although he never says anything to me about it, only to my mother and grandmother. At first, he was very stand-offish with my fiance, but after the second or third time they met and my fiance pitched in to help clean up and pack up tables after a big family gathering, Grandpa started warming up to my fiance as a person. He is still not thrilled about our relationship, and even less so about bi-racial great-grandbabies, but he has come to accept that my fiance isn't going anywhere, and he can either get over his issue, or lose his relationship with his granddaughter. I am hoping there won't be any issues as our wedding planning moves on...

I hope your fiance's family can warm up as well. I just have to have hope that this will never be an issue for our children!

AshL23 · March 2011

Not any issues with the interracial aspect so much as communication. Fiance is Haitian and I am Portuguese-American. With the exception of his siblings, his older family speaks minimal English. It's very hard for me personally because I want to be able to communicate easily with his mother because there is so much I want to talk about! My family adores my fiance, and his family is sweet as pie to me & my daughter.

We ignore anyone who gives us dirty looks or stares, or makes comments about the fact that we aren't the "same color."

bbrown185 · March 2011

Our biggest problem has been picking food that everyone will be happy with. I am African American and my soon to be hubby is Caucasian. It has been double trouble because I prefer his family's taste in food and he prefers my family's taste in food. (Ha, yes we are backwards) Anyway, it seems like we come up with menu ideas and no matter what it was, someone was pissed. Finally, we just decided to do a buffet and have a huge variety of food.

needle&thread · March 2011

I don't think that this is a problem...but still worth mentioning...

Went to the mall in FI's hometown. I went to a clothing store, FI went to a jewelry store (he feels my stone is too small-I don't!!). I come out the clothing store to find FI in the jewelry store across the corridor. I walk in and he is talking to the salesgirl (blond/blue) and I walk over to them. She says, 'Can't you see I am with a customer?' (At that point I hadn't said anything and she did not know we were together.) I said, 'Sure I do.' She continued and grinned and flirted with him while I was standing there. She then said, 'Someone else can help you.' At this point FI was steaming but I was handling the situation with tact and decorum--he let me (major points for FI). After FI decided on a stone size, she said, 'When will your fiancée be available to try on the stone?' That's when I let FI take the reigns of the discussion. He said, 'She's available now...let me get her!'

Walked over to me (less than 3 feet), kissed me, took me by the hand and led me over to the counter. Well when I tell you her face fell apart and she got physically sick

(blond/blue was now purple/green)...you had to be there--it was hilarious!!

She tried to make some sort of 'save', now complimenting me, in a sweet tone, telling FI that he made a good choice in stones and women...FI said, 'I don't need you to tell me that!! But I made an awful choice of a jeweler to consult for purchasing a diamond!!! And I won't make that mistake again.' Well, the manager saw the look on FI's face as he took me by the hand and proceeded to leave the store. He stopped us and asked what the problem was and if there was anything he could do...I said, 'No, have a nice day.' If I would have let FI speak, the poor salesgirl might not have kept her job.

Some things are not as blatant, but there is always going to be subliminal issues if you look for them and feed into them. People can only do to you what you let them. You take control!! Can't wait to see what the vendors do!! FI and I already have a strategy!

S and CJ

sweetxpea03 · April 2011

We really don't have any problems regarding race, but we do for communication. His parents and some other family members barely speak English, which makes it difficult to talk to them. I am trying to learn Spanish, but it's slow going. My family is mixed, so no one ever had a problem with me being with a Mexican. Though his family was a little hesitant in the beginning with him being with a white girl, but they do love me now and I've really been accepted into the family.

MrsKigerToBe · July 2011

I'm white my fiance is tri-racial (Asian, African, and Native American) adopted and raised my a German mother and Sicilian father. The only problem with our family was my grandmother mentioning when we were first together that she feels it would be hard for our children due to something a biracial girl told her in 1982 when she worked at the high school library. We def get stares but its hard to tell if it is the race issue or the height thing 4' 11" versus 6' 5"

Since we are all interracial couples, what problems have you faced..

Re: Since we are all interracial couples, what problems have you faced..

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