Living my life for me

Re: Living my life for me

• right1thistime member

  

  November 2012

  At 51, you should be adult enough to dismiss toxic people out of your life.  If in fact  your bff/cousin is really upset with you for being happy, why on earth do you care whether she apologizes to you or not?  Say good-bye, and good riddance. and move on.  HOWEVER, if this is someone who has supported you & loved you all the rest of your life, and this is the first time she has ever called you out, you MAY just want to listen to her for a moment, and ask her to be specific about what she has an issue with.
  
  If it is REALLY that you are happy, well...take your happy & leave her with her misery.  ~Donna

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• jennylee813 member

  

  November 2012

  You don't go into your past relationship with your cousin, but could it be that misery loves company? She's used to you both being unhappy, and she can't accept that you've found happiness? Maybe she feels that you'r leaving her behind?
  
  Who knows - but if you're really close, have a heart to heart and sort it out. Then decide if the relationship is worth saving.
  
  Good luck!

  

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• MikesAngie member

  

  November 2012

  If you and your cousin are truly as close as you state - hear her out.  Sometimes people do really have the best of intentions as heart, but have a lousy way of communicating it.  She may be cautious of your FI because you have been together a short amount of time.  Who knows but if she isn't normally a toxic person, then sit down and calmly talk with her - if she's a drama queen or toxic then as Donna says - say good riddance and move on with your plans. 

  
  

  
  

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_living-my-life-for-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d7fa9ed9-b582-461e-ae07-900d364302efPost:062dd261-2492-4f5c-8d6c-bfa1e75f28fd">Re: Living my life for me</a>:
  [QUOTE]You don't go into your past relationship with your cousin, but could it be that misery loves company? She's used to you both being unhappy, and she can't accept that you've found happiness? Maybe she feels that you'r leaving her behind? Who knows - but if you're really close, have a heart to heart and sort it out. Then decide if the relationship is worth saving. Good luck!
  Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]
  
  This. I know it sounds crazy that someone would act that way, but I've been through it. I announced to a group of my friends that I was getting divorced and one friend in particular really latched on to me, started being super supportive, and was there when I needed to vent. When I announced later on that I had met someone new, the whole dynamic not only went back to what it was before (general conversation on occasion), but it got worse. She started nit picking things about my decisions that didn't make any sense and picking fights with me and involving other friends who had nothing to do with what was going on. Turns out, she was super happy to see me divorced so she would have someone make her feel better about being single and when I started dating again, that left her to wallow in her own pity of not having a boyfriend and the fact that she was never married. I've tried reaching out to her a few times to repair the relationship and she just recently married, so you think things would get better, but it's beyond repair. I'm cordial because we share good friends, but that is about it. I recommend the same as the other pps- reach out to her if you feel the relationship is worth saving to see what her real issues are. If it's not worth it to you, then just cut all ties.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• Nolagirl12

  

  November 2012

  Thank you the advice. 

  My bff/cousin was and has been there for me in times of grief since we were kids, but when I thought I needed her the most she bashes me for being happy. I guess I am more hurt by what she has done and tries to act like she has done nothing wrong. She hasnt even met my fi yet and is judging him before she even gets to know him. I cant understand why she would do this.

  I know I will not have the answers until she and I discuss this. But I have decided she has to be the one to come to me, and I cant back down or she will think she has won. Although I thought our relationship was important to both of us, I guess she is willing to throw it all away. 

  Sorry just had to vent.

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• crumbcake82 member

  

  November 2012

  One of my very dearest friends, whom I've known since being brownies in girl scouts, actually broke down in tears when I moved in with my now fiance.  She was mad as hell with me when I got engaged, and showed no interest in getting to know my FI at all. 

  
  

  That was until she fell in love and moved in with her now boyfriend.  I had to work hard to forgive her, but we've become close again, although I've had to put up some walls between us to keep myself sane.  I think she was terribly afraid of being abandoned and left behind, like losing a connection between us.  She had no problem with my first marriage, but that may have been because we were younger and I was still pretty miserable then, too.   Some people really struggle with changing dynamics.  I'm not saying to forgive her outright, but give her time to process.

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• Lisa50 member

  

  November 2012

  *raises hand*  I'll step in and play the devil's advocate for just a moment. 
  
  If a dear friend/cousin of mine had been in a sh*tty marriage for almost two decades, then stepped on by a trail of losers, I'd feel very protective of her.  Then, if she told me a man she has known for three months (THREE MONTHS!) proposed, I might not express boundless happiness and joy. 
  
  Honestly, I'd be really concerned that (1) she's on the rebound; (2) it's all about the hormones; (3) he's making an extremely aggressive, possessive move; etc.  It would not mean, at all, that I don't love my friend, nor would it mean that I don't want her to have all the happiness she craves. 
  
  I would wonder why he's pushing her to jump into a lifelong commitment after knowing her for such a short time.  What's the rush?  Is he hiding something?  Is he ill?  Does he want to hit while the iron's hot, knowing she'd uncover the "real" him more quickly if she didn't have stardust in her eyes?
  
  I have been through this with a dear college friend (sold her home and furniture, moved in with her fiance, who she learned was addicted to porn and conducting multiple online relationships) and also with my cousin (her newly minted fiance was involved in an intimate relationship with another woman).  Both women had met the men of their dreams.  Both were enthralled and swept up within a few short months of meeting these guys.  Both were horribly heartbroken and let down. 
  
  Hormones are a b*tch.  They make us do some wild things.  Just be careful.  There's nothing wrong with a hot, steamy relationship as you get to know one another.  We're adults; we are permitted to have enriching, mature, hot, sexy relationships without being engaged.
  
  I sincerely wish you all the happiness in the world.  Please try to understand that your friend/cousin may truly have your best interest at heart.  Perhaps she is so afraid you'll get hurt and cannot find an elegant way to express that fear.  As PP mentioned, give her the benefit of the doubt.
  
  Good luck!

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• Marrin713 member

  

  November 2012 edited November 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_living-my-life-for-me?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:d7fa9ed9-b582-461e-ae07-900d364302efPost:7827be36-e0b6-4f52-9a52-b68ea6735bbf">Re: Living my life for me</a>:
  [QUOTE]*raises hand*  I'll step in and play the devil's advocate for just a moment.  If a dear friend/cousin of mine had been in a sh*tty marriage for almost two decades, then stepped on by a trail of losers, I'd feel very protective of her.  Then, if she told me a man she has known for three months (THREE MONTHS!) proposed, I might not express boundless happiness and joy.  Honestly, I'd be really concerned that (1) she's on the rebound; (2) it's all about the hormones; (3) he's making an extremely aggressive, possessive move; etc.  It would not mean, at all, that I don't love my friend, nor would it mean that I don't want her to have all the happiness she craves.  I would wonder why he's pushing her to jump into a lifelong commitment after knowing her for such a short time.  What's the rush?  Is he hiding something?  Is he ill?  Does he want to hit while the iron's hot, knowing she'd uncover the "real" him more quickly if she didn't have stardust in her eyes? I have been through this with a dear college friend (sold her home and furniture, moved in with her fiance, who she learned was addicted to porn and conducting multiple online relationships) and also with my cousin (her newly minted fiance was involved in an intimate relationship with another woman).  Both women had met the men of their dreams.  Both were enthralled and swept up within a few short months of meeting these guys.  Both were horribly heartbroken and let down.  Hormones are a b*tch.  They make us do some wild things.  Just be careful.  There's nothing wrong with a hot, steamy relationship as you get to know one another.  We're adults; we are permitted to have enriching, mature, hot, sexy relationships without being engaged. I sincerely wish you all the happiness in the world.  Please try to understand that your friend/cousin may truly have your best interest at heart.  Perhaps she is so afraid you'll get hurt and cannot find an elegant way to express that fear.  As PP mentioned, give her the benefit of the doubt. Good luck!
  Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]
  
  Ditto Lisa.  Still it was not a nice way for her to express her concerns.  ETA:  your cousin, not Lisa.

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• Nolagirl12

  

  November 2012

  Update. It has been over a month now since i last spoke to my cousin. Since then 3/4 of my family have met my FI and each one of them hit ot off with my FI. this past weekend we informed our kids, parents and siblings of our plans to get married. Everyone has opened their arms with support including our kids. No we are not on the rebound, he has nothing to hide and we are not rushing anything. We are living our life, learning about each other, and communicate everything. We are enjoying each other, having a good time, and it has nothing to do with sex. We are 2 people who were unhappy for a long time and finally found someone we are compatible with, that want the same things in life and are willing to take the challanges that go with life.

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