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Telling the parents...

melissaandmeganmelissaandmegan
Third Anniversary 10 Comments
in Gay Weddings
 Megan, my FI, has been very nervous and anxious because of what she feared the reaction would be.  Her parents are very conservative and follow a fairly conservative religion as well.  We knew there was a wide spectrum of possible reactions, but we also agreed that not telling her parents was not really an option.  So, last night while we were over visiting, Megan decided to tell her mom.  I was a little nervous and wanted to be there to support her as much as possible. More than that, I also felt like this was something she needed to say to them and discuss with them. Anyway, her mom wasn't thrilled, but wasn't horrible or vicious. She stated her beliefs on marriage (which don't approve of same-sex couples) but she also said that she loves Megan and wasn't saying that she wouldn't be there [at the wedding].
After we left, Megan and I talked about it and decided that since we have a while before our wedding (September 22. 2012), maybe time would help ease attitudes.  We also agreed that this is not a bad "starting point" and that her mom's reaction could have been much worse.
What I would like to know from everyone is how your parents reacted and was there a difference in their opinions and/or actions between the time you told them about the wedding until when it actually happened.  Also, if you have any other suggestions for us to help her parents out, they would be greatly appreciated!!  TIA
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Re: Telling the parents...

  • 2dBride2dBride member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I got lucky on that one.  My parents have many other faults, but they are supportive of same-sex marriage.  Plus, by the time my wife and I got married, I'd been married to a man (who left me) for nearly 20 years, had been divorced for 14 years, and had been with my now wife for nine years.  So they had a pretty good idea that I knew what I was getting into.  ;-)

    But yes, in general, parents seem to soften their attitudes once they have had a chance to think things through and see how good you two are together.  And if you two have children, that will also likely help.

    Meanwhile, congratulations on your engagement, and happy planning!
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  • JessJacksJessJacks
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am so relieved to see your post! My fiancee and I got engaged last Tuesday and while I'm so excited I also have a bit of anxiety about telling my parents. They haven't been supportive at all of our relationship. I'm so glad I'm not alone! Seeing what your mom's reaction was makes me hopeful for my own mother's reaction!
    Good Luck with everything and Congrats!
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  • mariemoten129mariemoten129
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You know... thinking back to when I was younger, dreaming of my engagement, how it was going to happen, who was going to ask me to be their wife.. I do remember thinking *who will i call first?*... *my mom or my best friend at the time?*

    When my FI asked me to marry her I knew who to call first, which were two of my best friends. (One who already knew she was going to propose days before!)

    ....That being said, I really wished in that moment that I could have called my mom with the excitement that I had but I couldn't. My parents have met Tori a handful of times. (we've been together for 5 years now! And living together for 4 *typical lesbians*) And although they know who Tori is, I knew I wasn't going to get an amazing reaction to the engagement that I really wanted from my mother.

    I ended up calling  my parents the day after i got engaged and getting them both on the phone at the same time. My mother said "oh... well, i can't say i'm excited and doing jumping jacks! but as long as you're happy, then i guess i'm happy for you" ...Lets just say it wasn't the reaction I was looking for. She said she was upset that Tori didn't try hard enough to get in touch with them to ask for my hand in marriage... ((They aren't even conservative! I swear she just acted like this because we are lesbians))  Tori had tried calling my father's cell and she didn't leave a message, so she went to the next best thing which is my brother and he was thrilled.

    This all happened in the middle of August, and 4 months later it has gotten so much better! My mom still isn't amazing with the whole "situation" as everyone likes to say. But she is being wonderful. She really has grown a lot over the years, and she is excited for the wedding, in her own way. She had to get used to it... But I think she became more comfortable once she realized that we wanted to have a traditional wedding. I didn't want to "half ass" it... or be different. I dont think there is anything wrong with being different or "half assing" a wedding. . . We are all who we are and we can do whatever makes us happy! But I feel like my mother thought we were going to be different or half ass it because we're gay. I'm not sure... i never will be sure.

    I think with time, everything gets better. *That's my theory atleast*

    And about how I felt before calling them to tell them about my engagement, my stomach was in KNOTS! I was so nervous and upset that I was nervous about talking to my parents about my engagement!

    JessJacks: you'll have to update us on how it goes... telling your parents. If you ever need to talk, I'm completely free to chat about it. It's hard to be gay. let's face it! But there are people out there to help with any advice :) Feel free to PM me :) Or respond on here!

    GL melissa&megan
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  • melissaandmeganmelissaandmegan
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    2d bride - Thank you.  I will try to stay positive and hope for the best as time goes on.

    Jess - We all managed to have a wonderful family Christmas together. Although the engagement wasnt mentioned, there wasn't any tension either.  I hope that things go well for you!

    Marie - Thank you for sharing your experience! I hope that things get better - for Megan's sake more than anything.  We have been lucky that my Gramma (my closest family) has been very supportive and considers Megan family already.  <3

    I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve...and lots of happy planning next year!!
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  • tbtltbtl
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I came out ten years ago. My wife came out about six years ago. Our families are both religious and conservative but have had time to get used to the fact that their daughters are lesbians.

    We got engaged last year on Christmas Eve after a year of dating. We spent Christmas Day with my family and we happily shared our news and showed off our diamonds... While everyone was excited and happy with no negative reaction at all, there was also a slightly calmer reaction than I expected. My younger sisters were thrilled, my parents seemed pleased but the excitement level was slightly lower than I always imagined. My wife's parents are very lovely but are not yet completely comfortable with this. However, they congratulated us and had always been very welcoming to me.

    After the holidays, my wife and I started planning the wedding. Once the planning got underway, my mom got waaaaay more excited. She helped with the planning, offered her opinions and even paid for the reception. My wife's parents took a bit longer to get excited but when our wedding day rolled around, both of our entire families were present. Our sisters were all bridesmaids, our moms lit the unity candles and our fathers both smiled proudly in hundreds of pictures. 

    It may come as a bit of a shock to them but they may come around. I don't know what your plans are but I know that we had a traditional wedding... when we started picking our bridesmaids gowns and ordering flowers and looking at cake designs, my mom started seeing that, hmmm, this is just like any other wedding! All moms have ideas in their head about their little girl's big day and when something comes up that "threatens" that.... say another bride instead of a groom... it takes some adjusting. Their lifelong ideals are flying out the window, you know?

    My advice: be respectful and be patient, but expect from them the same treatment of any other woman who is engaged. For instance, when we went to visit my wife's family while we were engaged, her mother didn't want us in the same bed. Since she didn't allow her other daughter to sleep with her boyfriend, we respected it. After we were married, though, we assumed that we would be sharing a bed when we visited and indeed, we did. :)
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  • mariemoten129mariemoten129
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    We are planning to have a traditonal wedding as well. And i know that made my mother feel more comfortable about the wedding, it being "traditional"
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I think time will definitely work in your favor here. Also, how you bring it up will make all the difference. Maybe talk to another member of her family (brother, sister, aunt, uncle etc) and see if they have an idea of how to communicate it?

    Heck, my parents are more than supportive of my sister and her partner-but even they had a little adjusting to do.
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  • lfirelfire
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is a really hard issue and it's great that you are reaching out to others--one thing I've learned over the years is that being gay always has its obstacles, but you are certainly not alone.

    My partner and I have been together for seven years and, while our families are absolutely amazing now, it was not always that way. I think the  best things you can do are (1) be honest, (2) keep your parents in the loop, even when it is painful--in retrospect I realize I could've just walked away completely, never said another word to them after their hard response, but I'm so happy I didn't because things really can change and they do get better; and (3) know that these things take time. As hard as it is, I think time is the best cure for parents unease with their children being gay and/or marrying someone of the same sex. Today, our parents are behind us 110% and that's a wonderful feeling. Love truly conquers all.

    Best of luck and be sure to keep writing posts here or feel free to send me a note if you want to talk more.

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  • JessJacksJessJacks
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well I told them...
    They weren't excited. My dad just kept saying "we have a lot to talk about" and "thank you for calling". My mom was silent. Oh well! It's their loss right?!
    Meanwhile my fiancee's family is full of well wishes and overwhelming support! It's a great feeling knowing that I've crossed my hurdle and now I can just get on with planning!!!
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  • melissaandmeganmelissaandmegan
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Jess - Take a deep breath and know you have lots of people here who are very excited and supportive.  I guess all that we can do is hope for the best from our family eventually. 

    And, another step in our story, I finally called my father and told him about our engagement.  While I am not nearly as close to him as other family members, it was something I really wanted to do - especially since some of my siblings already knew!  I was nervous, but it went okay.  There were no "jumping jacks"  as a pp said, but there was nothing horrible either.  He called my Gramma later that night and told her that he was glad we were waiting a little while (about 18 months - mostly so I can DIY everything I want to) instead of rushing in.  So, that is it for my family and hers.  *whew*  Now, everything else should be easy, right???
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  • m00siem00sie member
    Sixth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    *bigs hugs* to those whose parents are less than supportive of their relationship/engagement to their partner. Congrats to those who are newly engaged and yay to the family members that are really excited and supportive :)

    I must admit I am quite anxious about proposing to my partner. Her parents seem quite accepting of our relationship, mine on the other hand are polite enough (took awhile) but hardly thrilled. Both sets of parents have improved over time (have been together 3 years) so I am hoping that our relationships continue to improve. I would like to say their opinion doesn't matter and that I don't care, but that is far from the truth (everyone wants to be liked and supported right?).
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  • shoebieshoebie member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My friends mom freaked when she told her, and they too had a long engagement. By the time the wedding game you would have though her mom was ok with her daughter marrying another beautiful girl all along. They asked her mom for opinions up the whazoo and really involved her int he planning and that i guess helped her mom to be ok with it good luck !
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