Not a Jewish Wedding But....

Zidel333 · November 2010

OK, apologies in advance if this is on the wrong board, but I have a weird issue.

My fiancé has a very Jewish last name. He himself is not Jewish, since his mother is Italian-American and he was raised as a lapsed Catholic. His father is Jewish. Long story short, he is the love of my life etc. but he definitely acts, looks, sounds, and has a surname that all confirm his partial Jewish identity. He even has odd mannerisms when it comes to money, which my family has commented on a few times. It sounds a bit stereotypical, but honestly that's how it is.

I love him, he's my soulmate, but I'm getting a bit sick and tired of telling people no Tony isn't Jewish, no I'm not converting, no our kids won't go to Synagogue, yes his family is from New York etc. etc. I am taking his last name, and so I'm prepared to hear these questions for a long time to come.

Any help or thoughts? Am I overreacting? Is this something I'll need to get used to? Would love to hear what you guys think.

2dBride · November 2010

This reminds me of the story about George M. Cohan, an Irish Catholic. He was once denied a room in a hotel by a manager who said that the hotel did not accept Jewish guests. Cohan's response was, "I see we were both mistaken. You thought I was a Jew and I thought you were a gentleman."

If people believe negative things about Tony because they think he is Jewish, that bigotry needs to be addressed. If they just assume he is Jewish, yes, you'll just need to get used to it.

tenofcups4me · November 2010

I'm oh so curious what kind of "odd mannerisms" he has when it comes to money that you think are indicative of being Jewish. But to answer your question, yeah, it sounds like you'll need to get used to it.

Zidel333 · November 2010

Thanks for responding.

Re: "odd mannerisms", for lack of a good phrase, he has a tendency to be cheap or to constantly bring up money matters. His father is CFO of a major regional construction business, so he's raised his children to be mindful of money. Almost to a fault. Normally I don't mind, I was raised 1 of 8 kids, so being on a budget is nearly in my blood. But there's a fine line between being concerned and overly concerned with finances.

I ordered cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory some time ago, and nearly once a date, he mentions "$8 bucks for a slice of cheesecake?! Do ya think I'm made of money?!?!" It's Tony's sense of humor to tease I suppose, but occasionally, he's generally irritated by random expenses.

I dunno if that answers your question, but I hope it helps.

tenofcups4me · November 2010

Yes, it helps. Your FI is cheap. That has nothing to do with being Jewish and it's kind of amazing to me that have the nerve to come onto a Jewish board and make a statement like that.

Before you figure out how to handle questions, you might want to do some soul-searching about your own prejudices and educate yourself a bit.

mjjewell · November 2010

Zidel333, 2dBride has the right perspective. You're going to have to get used to it. Like every other race, religion and group out there, Jews are stereotyped. Like in that parable, if someone does insult you, I would find a gracious way of putting it back on them. There are going to be narrow-minded people wherever you go.

LBRM_NJ · November 2010

I'm sorry, and I don't want to attack you, but I totally agree with tenofcups4me on this one.

While you may not realize it, your response about your FI's financial tendencies are completely and totally prejudice and I'm not sure how you can expect your family to be accepting and understanding when you, yourself, can make a statement like that.

JoelsGirl07 · November 2010

I don't know if you have always thought that way, or if you are just thinking that way because others are throwing the thoughts at you. Either way, you need to work with what you have. You really need to just decide how you are/are not going to react and stick with it.

I work in a predominantly African American staffed/serving hospital in downtown Atlanta and I cannot tell you how many times I have had people ask me if I am albino, where I got my name (like I stole it from somewhere...usually very accusing), etc. My name is Shoshanah. It's Hebrew. I have to explain that I am not native American, not an albino African American and that my parents got my name from OUR culture - it's Hebrew. I have to do this ALL THE TIME. I've started to use it to educate and not to get angry. Maybe you should do the same.

MoFree · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:31b1929c-de52-4b25-be73-6bea8fe4c27d">Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE] Re: "odd mannerisms", <strong>for lack of a good phrase, he has a tendency to be cheap or to constantly bring up money matters</strong>. Posted by Zidel333[/QUOTE]

There is already too much hatred and stereotyping of people in this world. You need to examine your prejudice, your stereotypes and then do some serious spriticual healing. If you can't do it alone, then seek help. You need to stop making offensive generalizations about people based on religion and ethnicity.

Are you next going to go to the African Amercan brides board and perpetuate your ugly stereotypes of people of color. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />

You owe everyone on here a huge apology and you will only be welcome once you have the courage to do so.

notacookie · November 2010

I'm sorry I dont understand your issue. Are you upset that people with think you are Jewish? cause I have to say there are much worse things people can mistake you to be in this world. And I agree with these other women commenting- You seem to be the bigot here. "Financial issues" - being cheap is a "Jew thing"?? Cause he wouldnt spend $8 on a slice of cheesecake? Take into account what you just said "his father is a CFO" "I'm 1 of 8" - so if you are used to being on a budget what's the problem? You thought that he has all this money and now you could buy what you like well that is stereotypical of a Golddigger.

I dont think you meant to be offensive, but by stereotyping your own spouse and his father, and being annoyed that someone might think you are Jewish raises questions about how you were raised and how you will raise your children. We are not born with Hate we learn it from our parents. Instead of looking at your last name like a potential problem, why not look at is as an opportunity to share your blending of cultures and teach others to do the same? If you scoff at it, others will too. And that is not something i think you want to teach your own children.

Good luck.

sakana1840 · November 2010

so what if he's being compared to jewish people? what's wrong with that?

I am proud to be Jew! I am proud to have a pointy chin, dark hair, a big nose, big hips, a big mouth and cheap about money!

Those ideas you have are extremely prejudice. Get over it.

and just for the record, i'm not going to make light of your nationality, just because you talk and act a certain way

ps. what's wrong with being frugal? nothing.

vlevitt · November 2010

hi. i guess i also want to weigh in here to say that there's a good chance that tony's "cheapness" has more to do with his dad's hard work to instill money consciousness in his son, and less to do with his dad's ethnic background. according to jewish law, your FI is no more jewish than you are (ie. he's not jewish at all), as his mother is not jewish and he was raised to be a christian - so you dodged that bullet.

additionally, as a canadian i've spent the past two years watching the american economy implode. i should think you'd be overjoyed at your fiance's cash consciousness rather than being worried people will mistakenly think he (and you with his last name) are cheap jews.

and if you're really worried about it, don't change your last name.

Jami86e · November 2010

if your fiancée's dad is jewish ten your fiancée is half jewish. just tell people he's jewish by ethnicity but doesn't practice

vlevitt · November 2010

a correction for Jamie86e. there is no such thing as "half jewish." the american reform movement accepts patrilineal decent for children who have a jewish father/non-jewish mother, but that child must be raised in a jewish home and consider themselves jewish.

based on this scenario, her FI is not jewish by the standards of any recognized synagogue movement.

Redpen888 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:e4edfb5f-1cb2-401d-bf5f-b7c0470e6c84">Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE]he definitely acts, looks, sounds, and has a surname that all confirm his partial Jewish identity. He even has odd mannerisms when it comes to money, which my family has commented on a few times. [/QUOTE]

I have to literally LOL at your post here. What are you saying? You frankly sound uneducated and/or clueless here. Last time I checked Judiasm is a religion, not a condition that causes you to act or look a certain way. I'm a redhead pale Jew- wait, so am I actually Jewish? Partial Jewish identity...what does that even mean? "Odd manerisms"- who has ever heard of wording like that used in regards to money? Oh, I see you're from "the DC area" so you really mean VA or MD, kinda southern?...so than you're a hick, right? Hmm kind of sounds like a sterotype that I'm throwing at you.

You didn't come off wrong here, you just come off ridiculous. Get over it, your name is going to sound Jewish. Who cares? People are going to throw stupid questions at you. Hmmmmm, what are you doing than?

becunning2 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:ae919251-e693-4e1b-aa0d-30ed2fd5a2be">Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, it helps. Your FI is cheap. That has nothing to do with being Jewish and it's kind of amazing to me that have the nerve to come onto a Jewish board and make a statement like that. Before you figure out how to handle questions, you might want to do some soul-searching about your own prejudices and educate yourself a bit.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

This. Exactly. Exponentially. I was offended reading your post.

rxjen · November 2010

I am in the process of converting and am proud,PROUD with my decision to become a Jew. You need to take a good look within and realize that your racist outlook on your Fi will be trouble for you down the road.There is nothing wrong not wanting to spend 8 dollars on a piece of cheesecake.If his little quirks and "odd" mannerisms bug you that much why are you even considering marriage and call this man the love of your life?

This is the most offensive post I have read to date and trust me I have seen some garbage posted by trolls.....

rxjen · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:cfe7cab4-0f2e-4482-8465-495456fe5ca5">Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But.... : This. Exactly. Exponentially. I was offended reading your post.
Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]
You are my favorite newbie :))

rxjen · November 2010

Also the other day you posted that you dont have the ring and are anxious or whatever and only took him back because he proposed? I think this is MUD...You named him Tony above and your profile says Philip? and you have a wedding date? You dont have the ring yet...I call BSC on this one :S

becunning2 · November 2010

Aww, thanks rxjen!

alinaandjared · November 2010

I agree with all the ladies- you are either really ignorant, or wrote your post without thinking about how others will perceive the words you used.

Jami86e · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:9591695a-2545-468c-b09d-e057e1c59483">Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE]a correction for Jamie86e. there is no such thing as "half jewish." the american reform movement accepts patrilineal decent for children who have a jewish father/non-jewish mother, but that child must be raised in a jewish home and consider themselves jewish. based on this scenario, her FI is not jewish by the standards of any recognized synagogue movement.
Posted by vlevitt[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>why would there NOT be such a thing as half jewish? it's also an ethnicity. if you can be half mexican why couldn't you be half jewish?</div>

ARod22 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_not-jewish-wedding-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:ca0f3279-b499-4b4d-bb91-60580698f2daPost:dbb4a595-7aa8-4fd8-84f5-056294060421">Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But.... : why would there NOT be such a thing as half jewish? it's also an ethnicity. if you can be half mexican why couldn't you be half jewish?
Posted by Jami86e[/QUOTE]

This technically means that you have some Jewish background but are not a Jew. Judaism has ethnic components, but unlike being a Mexican, it is more than merely a race or ethnicity. You're either Jewish or you are not. Different sects of Judaism have different definitions of a Jew, but you can't be half.

tenofcups4me · November 2010

I"ve seen this discussion before and honestly, I do think you can be "half-Jewish." If DH and I did have children, we would most likely position her/him as half-Jewish since I am Jewish and he is not. We would only practice the most "light" form of Judaism (ie, holidays with family) and no other traditional religion. My sister, on the other hand, got super-offended the one time I referred to her daughter -- the daughter of a Jewish mother and a Catholic father-- as half-Jewish and told me no such thing exists and her daughter is absolutely Jewish. (I never did that again!)

But back to the OP, I wouldn't characterize her FH as half-Jewish since that's not how he identifies himself.

Not a Jewish Wedding But....

Re: Not a Jewish Wedding But....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards