Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding

caitlin6189 · August 2012

So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other.

From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited)

Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included.

In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her.

I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans.

I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?

SB1512 · August 2012

Well from your post it sounds like she is not paying for anything......if she is not paying, how can she cancel the wedding? I commend you for trying to make an effort, but in all honesty it sounds from your post like your FI really wanted nothing to do with her and you tried to force the relationship...... I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. Does your FI want anything to do with his mom? If not, you need to respect that it's his decision and let it go. This woman sounds pretty toxic and she's probably going to be stirring the pot your entire marriage.

Wife Kitty · August 2012

I agree with the previous two posters. I'm afraid that this situation, to me, sounds like a classic case of "Be careful what you wish for." You had good intentions when you wished for your fiance and his mother to reconcile, and you wanted her to be included... and now she's so much included that she's treating you and your family the way she's apparently always treated him, and she's up in everyone's faces threatening to ruin your wedding.

In my experience, sometimes "moving forward" with a relationship does not mean reconciliation at all. In fact, it can, and often needs to, spell the END of the relationship. Your fiance sounds like he has plenty of good reason to not want contact with her, and trying to force love where there is no love lost will create so much more drama than it will ever hope to solve. I feel bad for you, having to suffer with the results of that now.

My advice? Never try to go out of your way for this woman again. She is not respectful of you, your family, or even your fiance, her own son - so why on earth should you continue to try to make her into the loving and sweet mother-in-law that she isn't? Think of this: if she's this bad now, how will she act toward your children? How will she fare at holidays? Will she ruin those too?

I should also tell you, though, that while she can try to make a stink about the wedding, she absolutely cannot ruin it - or your marriage, which is infinitely more important - if she is not allowed that power. So I wouldn't worry about her threats to "cancel" anything. If she isn't paying for anything, then she's just making a very sad attempt at a power play, and even if she is, heck... she can't stop you from getting married somewhere else, somewhere she isn't invited.

And that's the key here. You have the power. You have a wonderful man who loves you and wants to spend his life with you. In that sense you have already won. Now acknowledge your power and unite with your fiance. Maybe this time if he wants to cut her off, you'll be thrilled to agree to it.

I wish you the best of luck.

brittanycurtisjohnson · August 2012

Sounds like my FMIL. I am sorry

Just don't let her get to you.
Your FI needs to resolve it with his mother, you tried. He needs to step up and tell her whats what and support you if in fact he does want to go through with everything and feels the same way you do.

dollyfinn · August 2012

First, of all I am sorry you are going through all of this so close to your wedding. I can only imagine your stress levels. I got married 12 years ago and to this day I only have one thing I would do differently........stop trying to please everyone! It totally ruined my day and I am afraid that it will ruin yours as well. The most important thing about a wedding is the marriage that results from it. You and your F need to have a talk about this. Both of you have to be honest about your feelings, agree on how to proceed, and then let the chips fall where they may. You don't have to be rude or unkind but you might have to be honest with your m-i-l about right now there is only so much you can do. Why has she waited until 6 weeks before a wedding to bring all of this up?! At any rate, the most important thing is you and your future husband agreeing on what you both want to do. Focus on your partnership and everything else will fall into place.

kmmssg · August 2012

If she isn't paying for the wedding she can't cancel it. You and FI need to move along with your plans and stop playing into her crap. It works for her because people let it. Just don't worry about it and finish with your plans.

Also, your heart was in the right place, but please butt out of his relationship with his mom. If it is bad, it is bad. Support him and stop trying to get him to be warm and fuzzy with her. She sounds horrid.

MairePoppy · August 2012

I agree with the other posters. Stop giving this woman so much power over your life. You can't please someone who chooses to be miserable.

Stop trying to run interference between your Fi and his mom. Their relationship is their responsiblity. If your Fi wants the 'situation resolved,' he should let his mom know that he will not tolerate any more disrespect toward his future wife.

And your Fi should be helping you with the wedding and honeymoon plans.

zitiqueen · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-throws-in-a-wrench-6-weeks-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa09342a-acfa-4aa6-8b64-4b21c3b8f749Post:ca1127a9-5444-4f99-ae23-fa6860b02f3d">Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]

Why are you insisting your FI have a relationship with a horrible person?

Marrin713 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-throws-in-a-wrench-6-weeks-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa09342a-acfa-4aa6-8b64-4b21c3b8f749Post:ca1127a9-5444-4f99-ae23-fa6860b02f3d">Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]

Considering they have had such a bad relationship, are you really worried that she has this kind of power?

PP's have said it better than I could. There was a reason your FI did not have a good relationship with her. Leave it be. Good luck!

Marrin713 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-throws-in-a-wrench-6-weeks-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa09342a-acfa-4aa6-8b64-4b21c3b8f749Post:ca1127a9-5444-4f99-ae23-fa6860b02f3d">Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]

Considering they have had such a bad relationship, are you really worried that she has this kind of power?

PP's have said it better than I could. There was a reason your FI did not have a good relationship with her. Leave it be. Good luck!

ETA: Gah! Sorry for double post!

Fluffernut · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mother-in-law-throws-in-a-wrench-6-weeks-before-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:fa09342a-acfa-4aa6-8b64-4b21c3b8f749Post:ca1127a9-5444-4f99-ae23-fa6860b02f3d">Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance comes from a divorced family. His dad remarried about two months after we started dating to a woman who was friends with his ex-wife. So needless-to-say my fiance's parents don't talk to each other. From day 1 my fiance told me that he had a rough relationship with his mother and that he had been kicked out of her house when he was 16 (they divorced when he was 12) and their relationship has never recovered. I tried to encourage him to visit and call her as to help move their relationship forward but it seems like every time we made one step forward one or both of them would take two steps back. We had dinners at restaurants that endied in cussing/screaming matches to my horror, months where neither of them would communicate with each other, and most recently my fiance got kicked out of her house at Christmas dinner because he disagreed with her on having a 70 person rehearsal dinner. (She believes that everyone from her side of the family who's in town should be invited to the rehearsal dinner even though my fiance's dad is paying for it and his dad's side and my family who's coming in from out of town will not be invited) Every step of the way she has tried to fight us on the decisions we made for any part of the wedding but I've tried to always keep her included. In the last six months, both my mother and I have invited her to go dress shopping with us, for us to come visit her, invited her to two bridal showers, and numerous emails and phone calls have either gone unanswered or declined. Two weeks ago, my future mother-in-law called my fiance saying that she had something she needed to get off her chest and that she didn't want him to talk to me about it. Basically she said that she felt that she didn't know me (we've been dating for 3.5 years, engaged for 15 months), that she wasn't included to the wedding, I never answered/returned her calls, and that if this didn't change in the next 6 weeks she didn't approve of us getting married. This has put a tremendous stress on my family and myself because we are worried that she is going to try to cancel the wedding or force my fiance to cancel it. He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved. She lives two hours away from us, has never reached out to me unless she's fighting or upset with my fiance, and has denied to him that we've ever tried to plan anything with her. I work a full-time job, have recently had medical issues in the last month to include two procedures and a surgery, and I'm the only one beside my parents who is actually booking vendors and making the wedding/honeymoon plans. I don't know what to do! I'm stressed out and trying to not let her get to me. Any suggestions?
Posted by caitlin6189[/QUOTE]

My question is what does the bolded mean? How does he want it resolved? Does FI not believe that you've tried to include her and she won't have it? If that's the case, you have a FI problem. However, if he just wants to resolve the situation by taking his mother out of the picture (by cutting ties or by just not interacting with her until the wedding), that's a different story.

renegade gaucho · August 2012

I'm not sure why you were so insistent that your fiance should have a relationship with someone who emotionally abused him. As an adult and as his mother, she was the one who was in the wrong- there's nothing HE can do to fix the situation. The only way anything could be fixed would be if SHE admitted that she was wrong, sincerely apologized to him, and started treating him with the love and respect he deserves. Instead, she continued to be horrible to him and to you.

Regarding your repeated attempts to be friendly with her, your heart was in the right place, but she's always been awful and the way she reacted to your invitations to do wedding stuff was awful. You need to accept that she isn't going to change and the best thing to do is to stop putting yourself out there, because you know you're just going to end up getting hurt. She's going to be an a$$hole no matter what you do, so you might as well take the course of action that doesn't involve spending time with her or talking to her.

If you are seriously concerned that she would take it upon herself to cancel your wedding, you need to contact each of your vendors and make it very clear that only you, your fiance, or the person who signed the contract is allowed to make any changes. Some people have set up a secret password with their vendors so that disgruntled family members can't call pretending to be the bride or groom and ruin everything.

If you are seriously concerned that she will be able to talk your fiance into canceling the wedding, you have a much bigger problem, one that should make you rethink this marriage. What does he mean, specifically, when he says he wants this resolved before the wedding? Is he taking his mom's side and believing her when she says that you are excluding her from planning? If so, he's not someone you should marry. Knowing firsthand how terrible she is, he should have no trouble believing that you have tried to include her and she's just being manipulative again. Honestly, I think the only way this situation could be resolved would be for him to tell her that she's not welcome at the wedding if she can't show some respect for the two of you, and either significantly minimize contact with her or cut her out of his life altogether.

Kristin789 · August 2012

This exactly:

please butt out of his relationship with his mom. If it is bad, it is bad. Support him and stop trying to get him to be warm and fuzzy with her.

TheVirginians · August 2012

If she wants 70 people invited to the RD, then she needs to give the guest list to her exhusband. That is how you handle her. That is how you keep you and your fiance out of it.

"He has assured us he still wants to move forward but wants the situation resolved" means that he needs to be the resolution: his move.

lgoin1 · August 2012

Problems with parents are very personal, and something that you just can't and shouldn't get involved in. My FI doesn't force me to try to have a better relationship with my parents. I don't force him to do the same. Some things can't just be "resolved" or "fixed." Your mistake was forcing the issue at the beginning. Just let it go. Ignore her antics. Comfort your FI when he has to deal with her. The end. It's your wedding. She's not paying for anything (I'm guessing). Leave her be, and stop letting her ruin your wedding planning.

expats14 · August 2012

I'm reading this and wondering if you're spying on my wedding. This is our situation almost to the letter. I cannot understand having a parent like this, as I've been spoiled with love my entire life. He, on the other hand, has a mother who treats him like this.

It' been difficult for me, but I can tell you that planning and dealing with her got so much easier when I learned to trust him and his decisions regarding her.

Best of luck!

GardenMaven · August 2012

My FI has what I call a "business" relationship with his dad and a poisonous relationship with his mom. I have two incredibly loving and devoted parents who have treated my FI with more love and kindness in the years we've been dating, than he has ever experienced from his own parents. When we first started dating, I thought there was a chance that he could work on having a positive relationship with his parents, but it became very obvious that that was not meant to be. And so me and my family have enbraced him (extended family too!) and when we say "I do" he will legally be apart of my family. (Most of my relatives consider him officially part of the family without the paperwork.)

Sometimes there is nothing that can be done to repair a broken relationship and you just have to let that person go. By not forcing the issue either way with my FI he has been able to feel more at ease when we visit or interact in other ways with his parents. And he has come to terms with the fact that even if he doesn't have a decent relationship with his parents, he has another set waiting in the wings who consider him their son. I just wanted to share this, because it shows that it can be a different way.

Best of luck and remember to BREATHE!

MomoftheBriade · August 2012

So sorry you are going through this, emotional and health stress together is terrible. My FSIL has a strained relationship with his parents, we have learned over the last few years to let him talk and comment very carefully! We can't even agree with him if he is angry, I just tell him I am sorry he is having a difficult time.
IMO, I think you need to remember the "better" things get with her and him the more she will be in your life.

Good luck and get well!

Mother-in-law throws in a wrench 6 weeks before the wedding

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