Sorry, this is long, if you have the time I would appreciate advice

Re: Sorry, this is long, if you have the time I would appreciate advice

• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm the oldest and only girl in my family. My parents don't act like yours. But I suppose your parents could be acting that way because they don't want to lose their "little girl" but its also possible that there is something else going on (like they don't like your BF as much as you think they do). But you are an adult so you need to make your own decisions.

  
  

  
  

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• m00sie member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Long distance relationships are always difficult, well done for sticking at it and trying to make it work
  
  To me it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It is quite common for one person in the couple to make sacrifices for the other (moving to a particular city etc). There is nothing wrong with that so long as there is no resentment on the part of the person making the sacrifice.
  
  It could be that your parents are worried you are going to put your relationship with your BF ahead of everything else (career etc) and perhaps they don't want you to throw away a good career opportunity as a result? Maybe you could have a chat with both of them, it might help to clear the air so to speak.
  
  I hope you can work it out It's not fun being torn between your partner and your parents!

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• HeartOverMind member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I understand having family support is vital in relationships, but it seems to me that you are heavily influenced by your parents. At the end of the day, it's YOUR relationship with your BF and your parents for the most part have nothing to do with that.
  
  From what you have told us, it looks like you both are living your own lives very well...you're in a long distance relationship and you both are working on your own things: that's great! So, I do think your parents are freaking out a little bit, but you are their daughter and I'm sure they are just concerned about you.

  
  

  About your BF following you: I don't think that should be a concern. I think you both need to concentrate on doing what you have to do to finish your education, you know what I mean? If you guys happen to be near each other; great, but if not then at least you are already familiar with a LDR!

  
  

  HTH!

  "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?" ~~~Scarlett O'Hara

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• Elle1036 member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I think it's pretty normal for parents to worry about their kids, and everyone has heard stories about people giving up a lot for a relationship that ended up failing.  Your mom just doesn't want that to happen to you, even if she's stepping over the line a little bit in her expression of that.
  
  When FI and I moved together to another city after college, his mom was a little weird about it.  Even though it was a move that suited both of us and neither of us were following the other, she acted like it was a bad idea.  Over time, though, she got over it and came to understand our relationship.
  
  Give it some time.  Listen to your mom and address her concerns, but don't get overly offended and don't get pissy.  She'll come around.
  

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• calindi member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  It sounds like they're worried about you both making compromises on your own futures that you'd later regret.  And from what you said, it doesn't sound like that's really the case.  But the only way to really show them is by living it.
  
  You both still have a lot on your plate for the immediate future - very exciting stuff, but also challenging for a relationship.  Trust me, the best thing you can do for your relationship is to ride out these changes (grad school for him, med school for you) and once you get settled into your new routine, start thinking about marriage.  Once your parents have seen that you are doing what's best for YOU, and that you won't reach 40 or 50 years old and have regrets, they'll be much more likely to support your engagement.
  
  And though it seems logical enough, being married won't make the distance easier.  It won't make the challenges of pursuing your own goals while carrying on a relationship any simpler.  Being engaged or married doesn't fix anything that might be wrong or challenging in a relationship, though they can often make things harder.  It's often tempting when we're away from the person we love to focus on the day when we'll be together - and because we're biologically/culturally programmed, we tend to crave marriage as a unifying force.  I've never fantasized about marriage as much as when I was in a long distance relationship.  Now that we're living together, I'm much more content to take my time.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• leia1979 member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I'll start off by saying your dad sounds a little bit like mine. I don't know what your parents' reasons are for saying what they say. i do think it's important to establish your careers and make sure you maintain a healthy balance. Your mom may fear your BF is "throwing his life away" to be near you. If he is doing what's good for him, as well, then try to assure your mom of that. They may also fear your BF is a distraction while you should be preparing for a tough seven years.
  
  One of my best friends went to med school on the east coast while her BF was in LA. They didn't get to see each other a whole lot during that time. Fortunately, she was able to go back to California for her residency. They got engaged and married during residency. It was tough, but they made it through.
  

  
  
  
  I haz a planning bio

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• eraver01

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Thank you all so much for your advice. I know I will need to talk with my parents soon, but I'm hoping to have a little firmer grasp on the future first, so maybe when we know what schools we get into.
  
  Calindi, I know exactly what you mean about fantasizing about marrriage more when you are apart. I wish that it would be simple enough to just live together in grad school and get married later. However, for personal reasons,  I do not feel comfortable living together before getting married, and it isn't really an option .
  
  
  

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sorry-this-long-time-would-appreciate-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2329fcf9-3bca-46bd-85ca-9354e2762e65Post:ba85b04f-d0c4-49e5-be89-48b5cea49112">Re: Sorry, this is long, if you have the time I would appreciate advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you all so much for your advice. I know I will need to talk with my parents soon, but I'm hoping to have a little firmer grasp on the future first, so maybe when we know what schools we get into. Calindi, I know exactly what you mean about fantasizing about marrriage more when you are apart. I wish that it would be simple enough to just live together in grad school and get married later. However, for personal reasons, <strong> I do not feel comfortable living together before getting married, and it isn't really an option </strong>.
  Posted by eraver01[/QUOTE]
  
  My BF and I aren't going to live together before marriage either, I know how you feel!

  
  

  
  

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• HeartOverMind member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sorry-this-long-time-would-appreciate-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2329fcf9-3bca-46bd-85ca-9354e2762e65Post:ba85b04f-d0c4-49e5-be89-48b5cea49112">Re: Sorry, this is long, if you have the time I would appreciate advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]Thank you all so much for your advice. I know I will need to talk with my parents soon, but I'm hoping to have a little firmer grasp on the future first, so maybe when we know what schools we get into. Calindi, I know exactly what you mean about fantasizing about marrriage more when you are apart. I wish that it would be simple enough to just live together in grad school and get married later. <strong>However, for personal reasons,  I do not feel comfortable living together before getting married, and it isn't really an option .
  </strong>Posted by eraver01[/QUOTE]
  
  I totally get this; I feel the same way.

  "Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?" ~~~Scarlett O'Hara

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, first things first.  I don't think your BF needs your dad's "permission" to marry you.  I think he's more looking for his blessing.  Women are no longer property, to be traded with cattle, so since you're an independent adult, you can do what you want without their "permission".

  
  

  Next, have you talked to your parents about how serious things are with your BF?  If they don't think you're that serious, that could explain some of their comments.  I highly doubt that if they knew you were discussing marriage they would make comments like your making decisions together is "sad and pathetic".  Why don't you COMMUNICATE with them and tell them 1) how serious it is and 2) how those comments make you feel?

  My NEW Blog!
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• eraver01

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  l2s4s, 

  
  

  There is no doubt my parent's know how serious we are. I have talked about our future plans. They seem to get uncomfortable, though, whenever I mention the "M-word". I communicate with my parents more than most people I know. It is for this reason I am trying so hard to understand all of the possible reasons for this odd behavior before I start something or make an assumption that harms our dynamic. I will stand by my man no matter what stance they ultimately take, but I want to make sure every other avenue is exhausted before I have to resort to something that would hurt my family. 

  
  

  As for you're other statement, I completely agree with you. Believe me, I am no one's property! Haha 

  We use that phrasing, because my family would most appreciate feeling as if they have some say, even if all involved know who's decision it actually is: BF and Me. 

  

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_sorry-this-long-time-would-appreciate-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2329fcf9-3bca-46bd-85ca-9354e2762e65Post:0f2082d7-5477-432b-8cfc-4c498e163d51">Re: Sorry, this is long, if you have the time I would appreciate advice</a>:
  [QUOTE]l2s4s,  There is no doubt my parent's know how serious we are. I have talked about our future plans. They seem to get uncomfortable, though, whenever I mention the "M-word". I communicate with my parents more than most people I know. It is for this reason I am trying so hard to understand all of the possible reasons for this odd behavior before I start something or make an assumption that harms our dynamic. I will stand by my man no matter what stance they ultimately take, but I want to make sure every other avenue is exhausted before I have to resort to something that would hurt my family.  As for you're other statement, I completely agree with you. Believe me, I am no one's property! Haha  We use that phrasing, because my family would most appreciate feeling as if they have some say, even if all involved know who's decision it actually is: BF and Me. 
  Posted by eraver01[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Hmmm...then yeah, I'd sorta be like WTF also.  Maybe they don't like him and they've just been lying to you about this?  It's either that or they don't want to lose their little girl...OR they think you're too young.</div><div>
  </div><div>Your communication with them is good, so I'd just ask them what's up.</div>

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• calindi member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I stand by my opinion that they probably DO like him and they probably DO want you to get married... someday.  They probably aren't ready for it yet, and feel like you have other things that should be your priority right now, and don't want to see either of you compromise important personal and career decisions at such a vital point in your life.  Once you're in med school, they'll probably be less likely to think you're rushing into something.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• KatyRoseM member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Once you go to the med school of your choice they will feel better.  They are probably just worried about him following you and then resenting it.  It might be worth considering doing long distance if he gets into a great MFA program, some of them really make a difference. 

  

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• desertsun member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I would ask your mom straight up why she responded that way. Reiterate to your mom (and dad) how important their good advice has been to you, and how important it is to you that they be open and honest with you if they have concerns about your future.

  
  

  Honestly? I think it might be a bit of a jealousy thing. You're moving away, and they know they won't be such a big part of your life. That's a natural part of growing up. But BF will be right there with you.

  
  

  Remember parents are people too, and they get insecure about their place in their adult children's lives. Especially when you have a close family, it can be tough for them to realize that you and BF are forming your OWN family that in the future will probably be your first priority instead of them.

  
  

  My parents and my oldest sibling had some trouble with this adjustment, so I do think it's a normal kind of thing to go through at this point in your life and in your situation.

  
  

  GL and please keep us updated!

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

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• jemmini6 member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  What age did your parents get married at?  Have kids?  How did they feel about it?  Sometimes (not always) I see parents trying to correct their own mistakes through their children OR pressure them into the same life they had.  Both totally different things, but sometimes it's worth an observation to see if maybe their reservations about YOUR relationship is somehow connected to how they view THEIRS.
  
  For example, my mom's mom had her when she was 40, so my mom dealt with having older parents and us having older grandparents.  She didn't want that for us and her grandchildren, so my mom started having kids when she was 24 because she wanted to be finished with kids before she was 30.  Now it seems like she thinks this is the ONLY way to do things, so she keeps trying to convince FI and I that we "don't want to be old parents", etc.  Basically, because my mom did it that way, she wants me to do it that way too.  Perhaps your parents were older when they got married?  They may think that since they waited longer, that you should too.
  
  Of course there's the opposite which is correcting their mistakes through you.  Maybe your mom gave up something she wanted to do to be with your dad, so that's why she's making snide remarks and jumping to conclusions about your BF's plans?
  
  Of course, it could be for completely different reasons, but this is just one observation I've run into with several people, so I always think of it from that perspective when (from what we've heard of the story) there appears to be no logical reasons for objection.  Something to think about....
  

  
  

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• eraver01

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  Wow, you guys are insanely insightful, I came to the right place! jemmini, my parents' had a similar timeline to BF and I. They have a wonderful marriage, but I'm sure it was tough for them. I also know that before meeting my dad, my mom didn't want to get married or have kids and she wanted to go to med school. After they started dating, she changed her mind and became an RN. Perhaps she thinks I might do the same thing. I plan on having kids later than she did. She was 25 when I was born, they had been married for almost 4 years and planned me, but I would like to wait until closer to 30. Perhaps she thinks I will get preggers in Med School and not be able to finish?

  
  

  Desertsun, the jealousy thing also seems plausible, especially from my dad's end. He keeps telling me how glad he is that I moved home and how he doesn't want me to move out any time soon. Him and BF have always had a bit of competition as well. It's pretty much good natured, but could be seen a bit like hazing, I guess. 

  
  

  Hopefully, I will get to spend some quality time with BF to discuss how we want to go about this. I know he wants to officially ask my dad for his blessing (l2sfs ) before I start talking to them as if we are already engaged. I respect his feelings, but I also want to get this settled. 

  
  

  Thank you all again and I'll keep you posted!

   

  

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• joiner521

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  They need to let go. As long as you are in their house, they will always feel they have say so and input. You are not 15.

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• SenoritaCupcake member

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm in a similar situation. I moved home to save money while working and applying to med school this year, so now BF and I are long distance. Also, my BF is going to be moving with me wherever I end up enrolling. My mom also freaks out whenever the M word is mentioned and sometimes expresses concern for BF that he is going to be miserable for the rest of his life if he doesn't find some vocation to work and suffer for.
  To give you an idea of how extreme her fear of the M-word is, when I got my MCAT results at midnight I was so excited that BF drove me the 2 1/2 hours home to tell my parents my score in person. When I went to wake up my mom and ask her to come down stairs she flat out refused because she thought I was going to announce that we were engaged.
  
  I'm pretty sure alot of this behavior stems from the fact that my mom became pregnant (and thus married my dad) when she was young and pursuing her nursing degree. Her marriage hasn't been easy and she's terrified of me suffering like she did without my M.D.
  
  I've really found that communicating with her how her actions make me feel, and making it clear this relationship will only add to both BFs and my's happiness, and not distract us from our goals, really helps with her.
  
  Good luck, and check your Private Messages
  

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• eraver01

  

  January 2011 edited December 2011

  SenioritaCupcake,
  
  That's too funny that you are in this same situation! I was able to talk to BF yesterday over the phone for a bit. I would have preferred to wait until we were face to face, but he sensed I was upset and pried it out of me haha.
  
  We have decided that he will come up one day during the week and we can sit down when I get off of work and hash out some of the logistics of being married in grad school. After we get all of that worked out, he wants to be with me when we talk to my parents. He's convinced that my parents believe we are "jumping into this" (if you can call it that after 4 years) without looking, and if we show them we have put legitimate thought into it, they will be more at ease.
  
  I hope that he's right. He thinks that if he were to just ask my mom and dad without proving himself worthy, so to speak, they would say "No", and then the whole thing turns into a hot mess. Unfortunately, there is no reason for me to believe it would go any differently.
  
  
  
  

  

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