Wish we could just elope

Re: Wish we could just elope

• FLANYTATOOGURL member

  

  August 2012

  It is his wedding also. You sound a little bit like a control freak. If his parents are willing to finance their sons wedding why wouldn't you let them and then use the money that you are saving for a house?

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• ElleB87 member

  

  August 2012

  Your FI is incredibly immature if he really thinks other people should pay for your wedding. I would seriously question marrying a person with this attitude. If your IL's OFFER to contribute - that's nice. But yes, it could come with strings attached, which is why the TWO OF YOU need to decide if it's worth it to take the gift. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER ASK FOR MONEY FOR YOUR WEDDING!
  
  You guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. You'll need to find a way to compromise. I don't know how you're going to be able to do that when he has his head so far up his arse though.
  
  PP gave terrible advice. You don't sound like a control freak. You sound like a rational human being and your FI sounds like a brat.

  

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• thejucheidea member

  

  August 2012 edited August 2012

  It's one day. Buck up and deal with it. I don't want a wedding either, but my boyfriend says that his family expects it, so we're just gonna go for it. It sucks, but whatever. The end result is what's important. He does need to realize, however, that it's your party and that you should just pay for what YOU can afford. People may say they're gonna pay, but it's not a set thing until the money's in the bank.
  
  Also when you talk about engagement, realize that it may be longer than you think. My boyfriend's had the ring since May 2011 and we're not engaged yet.

  
  

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• Wzz member

  

  August 2012

  it could be worse. you could lose a toenail.

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• thejucheidea member

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wish-we-could-just-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6aaf23c-b26e-40b5-bc4e-ee804180099cPost:5f957043-19bf-4a99-963e-e1ff42c6c3df">Re: Wish we could just elope</a>:
  [QUOTE]it could be worse. you could lose a toenail.
  Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]
  
  It's true. What a sad story for us to have to endure. My heart hurts.

  
  

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• BostonGIrl4732 member

  

  August 2012

  First of all, you are going to have to learn how to compromise and find a wedding that works for both of you.  That being said, it works both ways.  When you do get engaged, celebrate for a while, and then when you're ready to start planning, sit down together and figure a few things out.

  
  

  I think it's OK if you want to pay for the wedding yourselves.  Money comes with strings.  My FI wanted our parents to take care of everything for us.  I insisted that not be the case.  My parents offered to pay for the receptionwhich we let them do.  However, my FI started to rethink everything once my father decided that no chicken would be served at our wedding because he doesn't like it.  Because he's paying, it's his call.  FI reevaluated and we decided that other than the food and drinks, we'll be taking care of everything else.  So you and your FI need to sit down and figure that out.

  
  

  IMO, it's best to only plan the wedding that you can both afford without help.  Then if there's a problem or someone offers to help and doesn't (this site is filled with stories like that), you can cover it yourselves.

  
  

  Once you figure out the budget, figure out what kind of wedding you want.  Large weddings can be fun but some people don't like large weddings or feel uncomfortable being the center of attention with such a big crowd.  Small weddings can be really nice but don't work for everyone.  So together you need to come up with a rough size idea.  If you are going to pay for the wedding yourselves, you have complete control over the size.  If his parents pay, they can really invite all their work friends if that's what they want to do.  So you have to really talk about what you want and what's important to you both as a couple.

  
  

  It sounds like you are I are pretty similar.  My FI wanted more formal but I wanted to elope.  We talked it through and decided to plan a wedding that's a compromise for both of us.  We're both excited about our plans, which are very different from where we started.  We didn't do an engagement party but will do engagement photos (they come with our photography package and I just like the idea of having some nice pictures of the two of us in normal clothes).  You don't have to have showers or parties if you don't want them.

  
  

  I understand not wanting to hurt his family's feelings, but at the end of the day this is about you and your FI, not your respective families.  Throw them a bone when you can and learn to pick your battles, but if you truly don't want it, you don't have to.  Find ways to compromise and it will all work out!

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• TKzilla member

  

  August 2012

  Maybe compromise with a small, intimate reception (just immediate family and friends) and then if your ILs wish to /can afford to, let them throw you a huge reception. It's only a few hours of your life. I agree with what PPs have said but it is also YOUR wedding, so your FI and ILs should think about what you're comfortable with. Maybe your ILs can help pay for certain aspects of the wedding/reception but not the whole thing. 

  
  

  The key here is compromise on ALL sides!

  
  

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• CNOneill

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wish-we-could-just-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6aaf23c-b26e-40b5-bc4e-ee804180099cPost:83b74566-8a44-4815-9857-a985e65c13ea">Re: Wish we could just elope</a>:
  [QUOTE]It's one day. Buck up and deal with it. I don't want a wedding either, but my boyfriend says that his family expects it, so we're just gonna go for it. It sucks, but whatever. The end result is what's important. He does need to realize, however, that it's your party and that you should just pay for what YOU can afford. People may say they're gonna pay, but it's not a set thing until the money's in the bank. Also when you talk about engagement, realize that it may be longer than you think. My boyfriend's had the ring since May 2011 and we're not engaged yet.
  Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]
  
  I know it's only one day and I am certainly open to compromise. I guess my main concern is finding way to tactfully explain to his family that, while I appreciate their generosity, I feel as if my fiance and I ought to take on the responsiblity ourselves. As to the length of the engagement, that is one of the few things he and I are totally in agreement about. We both want a brief engagement, probably in the neighborhood of 6 months. And I know that when he finally has the ring he will not be able to keep it hidden for long :) 

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• CNOneill

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wish-we-could-just-elope?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6aaf23c-b26e-40b5-bc4e-ee804180099cPost:681df54f-6645-4e42-80d9-d2eec1630c3b">Re: Wish we could just elope</a>:
  [QUOTE]First of all, you are going to have to learn how to compromise and find a wedding that works for both of you.  That being said, it works both ways.  When you do get engaged, celebrate for a while, and then when you're ready to start planning, sit down together and figure a few things out. I think it's OK if you want to pay for the wedding yourselves.  Money comes with strings.  My FI wanted our parents to take care of everything for us.  I insisted that not be the case.  My parents offered to pay for the receptionwhich we let them do.  However, my FI started to rethink everything once my father decided that no chicken would be served at our wedding because he doesn't like it.  Because he's paying, it's his call.  FI reevaluated and we decided that other than the food and drinks, we'll be taking care of everything else.  So you and your FI need to sit down and figure that out. IMO, it's best to only plan the wedding that you can both afford without help.  Then if there's a problem or someone offers to help and doesn't (this site is filled with stories like that), you can cover it yourselves. Once you figure out the budget, figure out what kind of wedding you want.  Large weddings can be fun but some people don't like large weddings or feel uncomfortable being the center of attention with such a big crowd.  Small weddings can be really nice but don't work for everyone.  So together you need to come up with a rough size idea.  If you are going to pay for the wedding yourselves, you have complete control over the size.  If his parents pay, they can really invite all their work friends if that's what they want to do.  So you have to really talk about what you want and what's important to you both as a couple. It sounds like you are I are pretty similar.  My FI wanted more formal but I wanted to elope.  We talked it through and decided to plan a wedding that's a compromise for both of us.  We're both excited about our plans, which are very different from where we started.  We didn't do an engagement party but will do engagement photos (they come with our photography package and I just like the idea of having some nice pictures of the two of us in normal clothes).  You don't have to have showers or parties if you don't want them. I understand not wanting to hurt his family's feelings, but at the end of the day this is about you and your FI, not your respective families.  Throw them a bone when you can and learn to pick your battles, but if you truly don't want it, you don't have to.  Find ways to compromise and it will all work out!
  Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]
  
  This one was a helpful post- thanks :)

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• TKzilla member

  

  August 2012

  Let me ask you this (and feel free to internet smack me if I missed it)

  
  

  Has his family actually offered to pay for anything yet? As in, made the offer to BOTH of you? 

  
  

  Unless I missed something (which I'm prone to do), this seems like some pretty preemptive panic (yay alliteration)

  
  

  If they haven't offered yet then you don't have to worry - yet. But explain to your fiance exactly what you're feeling and then maybe make a list of what you each think is most important about this wedding - other than the "happily ever after" part. Compare and contrast and compromise. Once you and your fiance decide your course of action, wait until the ILs speak up about wedding plans or funds. Then you can say "well we talked about it and we decided we'd like to do this..."

  
  

  Emphasis on the WE pronoun, because at the end of the day this is about the two of you!

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2012

  1) Only plan for a wedding you can afford... he shouldn't expect other people to pay for it...
  
  2)  You need to find a compromise.  We were in a similar situation, my FI wanted 30 and I wanted over 200  (I have a very large family). We agreed on immediate family, close aunts/uncles, some first cousins, and very close friends.  I understand the father's coworkers and friends but wouldn't you want to meet the family from Italy?
  
  3)  You don't need to do all of the hooplah.

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• mhillquist member

  

  August 2012

  I think a nice compromise for you would be a destination wedding. It would be small because most people can't/don't want to travel. It would include your families and close friends but probably not all the extended people that can really blow up your guest list. If the parents want to contribute then great, but if not then you can definitely do it pretty cheap in the forest, on the beach or Vegas depending on your preference. Then if people make a big fuss about missing it you could always do a reception at home.This being said, I've had a short engagement, his parents are footing the bill and not a day goes by where I think, "I wish we just eloped!" But that could be because I'm in the planning phases and doing it all by myself
  Good Luck!

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