Children at weddings-I got myself in a pickle! (Long)

mariantheb · October 2010

Ok, so I will preface this by saying the situation I am in is kinda my fault for not thinking. Just something to think about if you are putting together a guest list...Be sure to communicate with your family and your FI family about where you all stand with children.

Soooo, FI and I really did not want children at the reception...Our ring bearer and flower girl will be there but they don't count bc they are in the wedding. So a very close family friend of my FI were invited as husband and wife...they live about 2 hours away and have a young daughter (I think she is 7) who is diabetic and needs insulin shots often, which makes it very difficult to find babysitters for more than a simple movie and bite to eat for the parents. The grandparents usually watch the girls, but they of course will be at the wedding...they are such good people and they opened their house up to us when we stayed in Greece, so of course I said that she could bring her daughter because I understand her not wanting to leave her daughter with their every now and then babysitter who does not know how to give shots. She was also so nice in her asking and said she completely understood if we did not want children, her husband would just go. I said yes because honestly, I thought it was the right thing to do. It must be hard to get a long night out when your child needs shots. My parents were cool with it.

Now here is how I got myself in a pickle....

The rsvp date was Oct 2nd and the Merion needs a headcount next weekend. A friend of mine (not close but have known for a very long time) did not rsvp so I facebook messaged her asking if she was planning on coming...she apologized for not responding earlier, and then said she and her husband were not sure if they were bringing their 3(yes 3) kids and asked if kids were allowed...they are 13 (which costs an adult plate-children 12 and under eat at half price),11, and 9. My mom says no way, but I am going to look like such a jerk if I say no kids and there is the little girl there and the kids in our wedding (2). My mom said I should not have a problem saying no as she waited so long to even let us know/ask us but I feel stupid saying no to her and I already said yes to someone else....I do not know what to say to her...especially since my Mom told her cousin she would prefer he did not bring his 13 year old as it will be an adult reception....

Anyway, I know I got myself in this situation because I made an exception for one couple when I know the tell-tale rule that so many say "if you do it for one person, you have to do it for everybody"

Any thoughts or suggestions of what to say and do would be great! I hate telling people no to anything!

dsulewski · October 2010

Yes that's a pickle. But in my opinion the one child you made an exception for is an extreme exception. She has a medical condition that does not allow her parents to be away from her for long. And the only people who are able to administer the medicine she needs and do it properly will be in attendance at the wedding.

I think its okay for you to invite only this child and tell everyone else no. If someone has a problem with it then calmly explain the situation to them and be completely honest. Say the only children there will be a part of the wedding and also there will be a child whose medical condition does not allow for her and her parents to be so far from each other. If they don't understand and get mad then it's their own fault (especially since they were so late in letting you know their situation).

If your friend wants to be there, she'll be there. She won't let not including her 3 kids get in the way. 3 kids at that age is a lot to worry about for you and the parents.

Also, how far is your hotel from the reception hall? Can your friend bring someone like a family member she trusts with her and have her sit in the hotel with the child and watch movies if the hotel isn't far from the reception. That way the child isn't at the reception but is still close enough to the parents where the parents can go check on her and be there if she needs them.

2 hours away from your child when they need shots is a lot and I get the impression you would love to have your friend there to share your special day. So I say its your wedding, do what you think is best and what will make you happy. If someone has a problem with it they can discuss it like an adult after the wedding.

smw42 · October 2010

I say tell the friend no. It's your wedding and you don't need to defend yourself. The family friend is a special circumstance and this other person didnt' even have the courtesy to send in their response card. Tough cookies.

kristen8040 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_children-weddings-got-myself-pickle-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:97673359-09cd-483d-83a3-a21a1fd7548bPost:a9947179-a58c-4c9b-8da7-a0c5c5141cfc">Re: Children at weddings-I got myself in a pickle! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I say tell the friend no. It's your wedding and you don't need to defend yourself. The family friend is a special circumstance and this other person didnt' even have the courtesy to send in their response card. Tough cookies.
Posted by smw42[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div>

mariantheb · October 2010

Haha smw42...I haven't heard anyone say "tough cookies" in a long time! It made me giggle! Congrats on your big day Saturday!

felicia220 · October 2010

You absolutely have ever right to make exceptions. We made an exception for my H's cousin. He married us and his son was the RB so we invited his daughter as well (she is 4) at first his cousin was concerned that other people would get upset. And I told him, in the words of Sherri, tough cookies, we want her with her family at OUR wedding. (Plus how could we let her sit home while her parents and brother get to go and not her, she is too young to understand) We also had people call and ask if they could bring their children, we said no.

On another note, if your friend found out that you let these people bring their child and doesn't understand why, then your friend is crazy.

cutiepie12702 · October 2010

I am sort of in a situation myself....my parents do not want any children at my wedding and I agree, I do not want a bunch of kids running around plus they add up really fast. The only kid invited on my side is my cousin who is a flower girl. FI's parents have been playing the whole....well I want it so I'll pay for it game. While I appreciate their extreme (and I do mean extreme) generosity, as they are contributing as much as my parents are, I do not like that I can't ever put my foot down and just say no. In my case, they have 5 kids (one will be an infant so I'm hoping they won't bring that one) on their side of the family....they are inviting all of them and said they will not tell someone they can not bring their children. I don't think they realize that there is another family involved in this wedding and it looks really bad that we are telling our friends and family no kids, but when they show up there will be a whole bunch of them. The only way I am justifying it is that 3 of those children will be flower girls as well. The other child is FI's first cousin and since all of my first cousins are in the wedding or attending, I feel like that's a justifiable excuse.

Not for nothing, but this is your wedding and you don't need to explain anything to anyone. You have a valid excuse as to why the diabetic child should attend, but there is no reason whatsoever to allow someone to bring 3 of their kids who were not invited to begin with. They are also not family members, so they should understand. It's not free, it costs money to pay for those kids and considering you are not close to them...I'm sure you could come up with better ways to spend that money. Tell her that children are not invited - if she doesn't want to come then she won't come. It sounds like she might not even want to attend your wedding since her response is so late. She might think that if you tell her no kids and she RSVP's no then she is off the hook with the no babysitter excuse and doesn't feel so bad. You might be doing both you and her a favor by simply saying no. LOL

HobokensFury · October 2010

Tell your friends no. It's your wedding, no need for explanation but if you feel like giving one explain that the child has a serious medical condition.

carlaspeed · October 2010

Honestly, I did not even notice the children in our reception, everything went by soooo fast!

mariantheb · October 2010

Cutiepie, I didn't even think of that! Maybe she feels bad saying she can't make it so is bringing up the kids...maybe???

Oh, I am sure I won't notice kids at all...the problem is my Mom was kinda peeved when I brought the 3 kids thing up because for 1. she will have to pay an adult price for the oldest, 2. It messes up her seating chart because my wedding is in 2 weeks and 3. she told her cousin not that he couldnt bring his 12 year old, but that it is not the best idea for her because there wont be any kids her age.

altimat873 · October 2010

For this reason specifically I have put "Adults Only" on the reception card. Im glad you posted to remind us brides who have yet to order our invites and tidy up the guest list. These girls are right, its your wedding and most of these kids arent free. Wether you notice them or not is not the issue I feel. If they were not invited then politely say no sorry no children. . . and youre right, maybe she really is trying to get out of it. Good Luck!

kmf81 · October 2010

I totally agree with everybody else. We had the FG and 2 RB's at the wedding and that was it. We cut off family at 1st cousins so that meant the youngest one there was 10. Most of our cousins have kids and were specifically told we are not having kids at the wedding. Only one didn't come bc we weren't allowing thei 1-year old twins (that's right two of them) come. Tell your friend that you are not allowing children other than the ones in the wedding party. Is there anyway you can include the 7 year old in the ceremony? Maybe giving out programs or something? That gets you out of the jam pretty quickly when they say why couldn't my kids come.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

i was recently at a wedding with children - you noticed them alright!
made me happy we're not having kids at ours.

our FG and 2 RB are the only ones invited. one RB will actually be taken home by the grandparents after photos are taken. the FG and other RB are my 1st cousins and have a 2 year old brother as well - he will be with his grandparents (thats right, my aunt and uncle are leaving 1 out of 3 home)

you have every right to say no to your friend. if she gives you a hard time about the exception you made then kindly explain yourself to her.

p.s. who are these people that dont want to leave home without their kids?? i dont have children yet so mabe i'm ignorant and mean is saying that but come on - it's a mommy/daddy date night!

USER876 · October 2010

I don't see the issue here, it is an adult reception, stand by that.

Honestly, why would these people WANT to bring their kids? Don't they want a fun night off!

njpabzy · October 2010

It's your wedding and you have every right to say no - do not feel guilty about it. Children at a wedding are a personal decision and I dont think any bride should feel guilty for whichever decision they make - DH and I felt the opposite of most we invited all family and close friends with children - we had 36 kids under the age of 12 and we loved it our reception and wouldn't have had it any other way but that is what worked for us and it is not for everyone. Stick to what you want and enjoy your day!

Children at weddings-I got myself in a pickle! (Long)

Re: Children at weddings-I got myself in a pickle! (Long)

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