I have a secret to share....

tiffanym76 · August 2010

Ok. My fiance proposed to me months ago. I am so excited. We've been wanting to tell our family and friends about our engagement but get this...

I have several friends who recently broken off engagements and / or are single and "miserable" (yeah, that was their words...single and miserable).

Tonight, I got in touch with one of my best friends that broke off her engagement back in March. I want to tell her that James and I are engaged, but, just don't feel like now is the time to tell her since she is still grieving the end of her relationship.

I hope I do not sound selfish but I just have to shout it out to the world...to someone that, Hey, the man I love proposed and we are getting married! ! ! But I just feel like no one is capable of listening emotionally and I feel like I need my friends now more than ever. This is an intregal moment in my life that I want to share, not hide and keep secret.

It just feels like I have this secret that I don't want to keep. I don't know what to do. I'm more concerned about hurting their feelings than anything else. My fiance keeps telling me to just announce it but I feel like it's just going to create more pain for my friends who are going through tough relationship problems.

Any words of wisdom...support...? Please!!
Tiffany

palrmt · August 2010

Wow I wouldn't call you selfish at all. If anything I think that you are being extremely considerate of your friends' feelings. At some point however you are going to have to break the news. And while it is sweet of you to take their personal situation into account before shouting your good news, it's not your responsibility to shield them from other happy couples. I am sure they see happy couples holding hands, out on a date, etc while going about their daily lives. And honestly any kind of friend would manage to squeak out a congratulations even if they are torn up inside. That's part of being a good friend.

Also I don't think it would be a bad idea to try and soften the blow with something like "Well I didn't want to say anything because I know what you are going through but ...." Your friend might appreciate the fact that you thought about them.

So many brides expect everyone to talk about nothing but their wedding and for some reason think that the world stops turning when they get engaged. You are the exact opposite and are super sensitive to your friends' feeling and emotions. There is nothing wrong with that and it should be comended. But there is also nothing wrong with expecting your friends to be happy for you at one of the most joyous times of your life.

Good Luck and I hope all goes well.

jmkes · August 2010

Definitely share, but with some tact. Now that you have been engaged for a while and have had time to get used to the giddyness of being betrothed (love that word!) you can tell your friends delicately that you are engaged. You said it yourself that you need your friends now more than ever - don't you think you should clue them in as to why? If they are your true friends they will muster up happiness for you. If you are their true friend you won't spend 24/7 talking about your wedding. Find a good balance and go share your wonderful news. GL!

quotequeen · August 2010

You need to just get it out there. People are going to be hurt that you waited so long to tell them.

JenO24 · August 2010

its like a band-aid
just tell them and get it over with
if they're truly your friends they'll be happy for you no matter whats going on in their lives

526SadieSadie · August 2010

I think "selfish" is the last word you should use to describe yourself. You've been more than considerate of your friend's feelings and it doesn't sound like you want to rub it in or anything. If they are good friends to you, they'll put their personal feelings aside and be just as happy for you as you were for them when they were in love.

HKD817 · August 2010

I would definitely get it out there. You can't hold back on your excitement just because people are going through a rough patch in their lives. If they are your true friends, they will be happy for you

nikiandchris · August 2010

I guess I don't understand why you haven't told anyone. Just because your friends are miserable doesn't mean you have to be. And if your happiness makes them more miserable they aren't true friends. True friends will be happy for you no matter what (and probably shocked that you've been keeping it secret). Do you take your engagement ring off when you see them or just not wear it? This is one of the happiest times of your life, enjoy it!

tiffanym76 · August 2010

I should have been more specific and say that I have not told some friends about the engagement.

As far as my fiance's family and my family are concerned, they are happy for us. In fact, his mother and I communicate and chat with each other about things and family.

He has not yet been able to meet my family. I don't hide the engagement. It just seemed like each time I would be ready to tell one of the friends that I spoke of about it, the conversation goes like this...

Me: "Hey, I have something I have to tell you...Some good news..."
Friend: "Is it about James? Because if it is, I can't talk about relationships right now because I'm still single, miserable, and get sad..."

Then she changes the subject. I am honestly at the point though that I feel like I have to put it all out there for her and tell her how changing the subject hurts my feelings even though she may be having a hard time with her recent breakup. I've been thinking about what I am going to say so that it is direct, to the point, and tactful without sounding mean and insensitive.

It's to the point now that if I cannot have a face to face or phone call conversation about this, I am going to send her an email to inform her of the engagement and how it makes me feel like she's avoiding talking about my joy.

Email is not the way I envisioned telling her but if that's what I have to do so be it....It's just a shame though because I've known her a long time.

nikiandchris · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_secret-share?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:8705f1da-7ede-45da-a196-e65dd926cc85Post:6dc53a66-29b9-48a8-9bca-6fc4bf89f4c0">Re: I have a secret to share....</a>:
[QUOTE]I am honestly at the point though that I feel like I have to put it all out there for her and tell her how changing the subject hurts my feelings even though she may be having a hard time with her recent breakup. I've been thinking about what I am going to say so that it is direct, to the point, and tactful without sounding mean and insensitive.
Posted by tiffanym76[/QUOTE]

This. You need to tell her. Like I said before, if your happiness makes her more miserable, and she actually expects you to continue her pity party for however long she wants, then she's not a true friend. This is an exciting time in your life, and you deserve to be happy.

Danielle284 · August 2010

I can understand the feelings but on a different note. When i had my son i had numerous of friends who had had miscarraiges or still births. I felt so guitly that i didnt want to post pictures. I talked to my friend nicole about it finally. She told me that it was ok even though she was grieving her son michael. That they are a blessing and that she wants to see pictures of him. I know thats completly different, but mainly my point is friends will understand. Even though shes grieving the loss of somone she loved greatly, shes happy for you. Time will heal her wonds. After my ex husband and i got divorced my sisters sister in law gave me great advice that helped. Take every day min by min not day by day.

tiffanym76 · August 2010

Thank you all for your support, understanding, and advice. I think my main point is I wanted to be sensitive to their losses and "misery." That's just my nature.

I wrote her an email discussing how she has been a good friend to me over the years, that she mens so much to me, I don't want to exclude her from my happiness and want to tell her what is happening in my life.

She lives 2 hours away now so just dropping by for chit chat or to show her the ring isn't really possible. I thought it through and think maybe email is a good option too so it gives her time to take it all in. I just had a bad thought about her opening up my facebook page oneday and seeing that I'm engaged and her asking herself, "Hmm, why didn't SHE tell me this...why am I finding out on a web blog?"

I guess to sum it up as you ladies have said, we cannot control when we fall in love.

It's so funny though on the other end of the spectrum because it seems all my married friends who know about the engagement are ecstatic for us. One of my married friends seems to have volunteered herself as my wedding planner. Her style taste on the other hand is the total opposite of mine but it's the thought that counts. LOL

Thanks again for all your words. I really needed other eyes (ears) to vent this to.

I have a secret to share....

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