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Not Engaged Yet

My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*

Sorry in advance for the long post

A little back story: My friend (ME) and her BF (MA) have been together for 11 years. Well, they say that, but they've been broken up for a while when the BF lived in Maryland. Technically, they have been inseperable for 5 years. Anyway, MA gave ME a "promise" ring (who does this anymore besides celebs? it's total junior high I think). Their relationship is HORRIBLE!  MA is really disrespectful and immature. He doesn't understand, let alone care, about what ME is going through with her bipolar issues. Plus, ME and MA always seem to fight. They would fight about little stupid things but there is the occasional HUGE fight where ME says she isn't going to talk to MA but ends up doing it anyway. And ME seems super depressed everytime she is with MA. However, when ME and I hang out without MA, she is very happy not being around him. ME's parents (especially her mom) don't approve either. There's a lot of other things wrong with their relationship, but I'll just get to what happened last night.

~~~

So Friday was ME's sister's (T) 21st birthday. ME was putting on her makeup before the party, so her other sister Brit and I were hanging out with her. ME turns to her sister and blurts out "oh guess what Brit? I'm engaged" (her "promise" ring was suppose to be her engagment ring until MA could get a new one) I was taking back by the whole thing. I wouldn't care if she didn't tell me but she's always told me everything before anyone else knew. Plus, considering her relationship with MA, I wasn't THAT happy for her, neither was Brit. Throughout T's party, as ME was talking to various people, she was announcing her "engagment". She even loudly corrected Brit with "MY FIANCE!!!!" in such a snotty tone with Brit said "oh and ME's boyfriend...." When T kept hearing ME talking about it, she would always stop talking to her friend's and gave her a death stare. I felt really bad for T.

Number 1: it was T's party, NOT ME's. She had NO RIGHT to bring the attention to her. I think that was very impolite. Then again, I don't seek attention like ME does

Number 2: How can you tell people you're engaged if you don't even plan to invite them to your own wedding? I think that's just weird

Also, the "wedding" isn't until April 2013 when supposedly, they have more money. They are still in serious debt with credit card bills.

It just makes me so mad that people who have bad relationships think they can salvage them when they are husband and wife. I've been ranting to my boyfriend all day about this and he agrees
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Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*

  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:93a744a5-f883-4310-ae10-80ffcafc188c">My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE] 2: How can you tell people you're engaged if you don't even plan to invite them to your own wedding? I think that's just weird.
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]


    Ahh, no. It's  not weird to tell people you're engaged even if you're not inviting them to the wedding....    I don't get how that is weird. It's an exciting time and you DO want to tell people...
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
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  • sgarlesssgarless member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Hmm, you're right. But what if those people think they are going?

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:de44685a-bd8f-415e-a12b-7fa2581ca5cc">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmm, you're right. But what if those people think they are going?
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]
    Its impolite to assume you are invited to a wedding


  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    While I understand that it's probably super duper frustrating to sit there and watch your friend stick in a relationship that doesn't seem healthy to you, your post came off snotty and judgmental to me.  If your issue is that she was talking about her engagement at her sister's party, all the stuff about how they've only been together for 5 years really, even though they say 11, and how you think promise rings are stupid is totally irrelevant.

    "her "promise" ring was suppose to be her engagement ring until MA could get a new one"  Lots of people do this actually.  If they chose to get engaged with one ring and then upgrade later, it's their decision.  Engagements aren't about the ring.

    Number 2: How can you tell people you're engaged if you don't even plan to invite them to your own wedding? I think that's just weird.
      That's not weird at all.  Are you supposed to just keep calling him your boyfriend to those people...?  To tell them all the details of the wedding and not invite them is weird, and you should really keep wedding talk to a minimum around ANYONE who hasn't asked, but it's totally okay to tell people you're engaged.  It sounds to me like you're just looking for stuff to be upset at her for.

    Also, the "wedding" isn't until April 2013 when supposedly, they have more money. They are still in serious debt with credit card bills.
      It's super rude of you to refer to their wedding like it's not real.  Even IF you suspect they'll break up or something before then, right now she's planning to marry him.  There's nothing wrong with having a long engagement to save up money.

    I didn't read anywhere in your post that they've said they're trying to salvage their relationship by getting married.  To assume that is, again, really judgy.

    Perhaps I misread your intention, or the tone you were going for wasn't really conveyed to me, but my advice to you is that if you're concerned about your friend's mental health because of this relationship, sit her down and say, "You know I love you. I'm concerned about X, Y, and Z.  I just don't want you to be unhappy."  If she chooses not to take your advice, suck it up and be supportive.  Stop looking for things to hate about this relationship, and just be a friend.

  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:de44685a-bd8f-415e-a12b-7fa2581ca5cc">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmm, you're right. But what if those people think they are going?
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]

    So?  You can't 'think' you're going to a wedding. You can't. Because people's plans change all the time. It's not rude to tell people you're engaged.

    I guess she better keep her facebook relationship status as dating then too- wouldn't want to tell everyone she's engaged when they're not even invited!! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
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  • nyc1210nyc1210 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Really early in our relationship, FI got me a white sapphire ring. We had been throwing around the idea of getting engaged. We sat down one day and really thought about it. We weren't financially stable enough to get married. He gave me the ring as a promise that when we could afford it, he'd get me a "proper" ring. So, I wore it on my right hand as our promise. I don't see anything wrong with it. We made the decision between the two of us that we weren't ready. Now that we are, he got me a diamond ring (I still love my white sapphire, but I'm head over heels for my new one.). I didn't feel like we were being childish.

    I agree that it was rude of her to choose that particular time to announce it. From the sound of it, he didn't even ask her that day. Even if he did, she could've waited until the end of the party to announce it.
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  • caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:f928e0e2-b413-4d3b-9399-db778548eabe">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Really early in our relationship, FI got me a white sapphire ring. We had been throwing around the idea of getting engaged. We sat down one day and really thought about it. We weren't financially stable enough to get married. He gave me the ring as a promise that when we could afford it, he'd get me a "proper" ring. So, I wore it on my right hand as our promise. I don't see anything wrong with it. We made the decision between the two of us that we weren't ready. Now that we are, he got me a diamond ring (I still love my white sapphire, but I'm head over heels for my new one.). I didn't feel like we were being childish. I agree that it was rude of her to choose that particular time to announce it. From the sound of it, he didn't even ask her that day. Even if he did, she could've waited until the end of the party to announce it.
    Posted by nyc1210[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't call yours a promise ring in the sense that most people use it.  I think mostly po=romise rings are purchased by high school aged people who want their relationship to look more mature/legit/whatever.  Just please tell me you didn't consider yourself "pre-engaged" or "engaged to be engaged."  haha.  If he wants to buy you a beautiful ring that means he loves you a lot, enough to marry you someday, that's fine.  As long as you didn't call him your pre-fiance.
  • nyc1210nyc1210 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:34d536f3-8fa1-4fb9-bb46-b29cb3cb3df3">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant* : I wouldn't call yours a promise ring in the sense that most people use it.  I think mostly po=romise rings are purchased by high school aged people who want their relationship to look more mature/legit/whatever.  <strong>Just please tell me you didn't consider yourself "pre-engaged" or "engaged to be engaged."</strong>  haha.  If he wants to buy you a beautiful ring that means he loves you a lot, enough to marry you someday, that's fine.  As long as you didn't call him your pre-fiance.
    Posted by caitlin.cave[/QUOTE]

    Definitely not! Haha. He was my boyfriend until last Saturday when he actually proposed.
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Promise rings so sound very high school to me. And I get what you're saying about how it might be weird that she is announcing her engagement the way she is. Even if it's rude for people to assume they're invited, there is that awkward moment sometimes. It was probably not the best time to announce her engagement. And if it's true they're getting married in hopes of fixing their problems, then that's messed up. Oh well, there is nothing you can do about it but wish her the best of luck lol
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  • sgarlesssgarless member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:85f0a565-da31-4aa3-ad65-be6f9819d230">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Promise rings so sound very high school to me. And I get what you're saying about how it might be weird that she is announcing her engagement the way she is. Even if it's rude for people to assume they're invited, there is that awkward moment sometimes. It was probably not the best time to announce her engagement. And if it's true they're getting married in hopes of fixing their problems, then that's messed up. Oh well, there is nothing you can do about it but wish her the best of luck lol
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    I agree. I shouldn't be so selfish cuz, if they are really getting married, she'll ask me to be a bridesmaid. I have to be happy for her then. lol. And at one point, I thought she just wanted to have a wedding party, which is pretty messed up too <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:f928e0e2-b413-4d3b-9399-db778548eabe">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]. I agree that it was rude of her to choose that particular time to announce it. From the sound of it, he didn't even ask her that day. Even if he did, she could've waited until the end of the party to announce it.
    Posted by nyc1210[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>It does sound a little tacky, I have to agree. That's really all I can comment on at the moment.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:93a744a5-f883-4310-ae10-80ffcafc188c">My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry in advance for the long post A little back story :

    My friend (ME) and her BF (MA) have been together for 11 years. Well, they say that, but they've been broken up for a while when the BF lived in Maryland. Technically, they have been inseperable for 5 years. Anyway, MA gave ME a "promise" ring (who does this anymore besides celebs? it's total junior high I think). Their relationship is HORRIBLE!  MA is really disrespectful and immature. He doesn't understand, let alone care, about what ME is going through with her bipolar issues. Plus, ME and MA always seem to fight. They would fight about little stupid things but there is the occasional HUGE fight where ME says she isn't going to talk to MA but ends up doing it anyway. And ME seems super depressed everytime she is with MA. However, when ME and I hang out without MA, she is very happy not being around him. ME's parents (especially her mom) don't approve either. There's a lot of other things wrong with their relationship, but I'll just get to what happened last night.

    ~~~

    So Friday was ME's sister's (T) 21st birthday. ME was putting on her makeup before the party, so her other sister Brit and I were hanging out with her. ME turns to her sister and blurts out "oh guess what Brit? I'm engaged" (her "promise" ring was suppose to be her engagment ring until MA could get a new one) I was taking back by the whole thing. I wouldn't care if she didn't tell me but she's always told me everything before anyone else knew. Plus, considering her relationship with MA, I wasn't THAT happy for her, neither was Brit. Throughout T's party, as ME was talking to various people, she was announcing her "engagment". She even loudly corrected Brit with "MY FIANCE!!!!" in such a snotty tone with Brit said "oh and ME's boyfriend...." When T kept hearing ME talking about it, she would always stop talking to her friend's and gave her a death stare. I felt really bad for T.

    Number 1: it was T's party, NOT ME's. She had NO RIGHT to bring the attention to her. I think that was very impolite. Then again, I don't seek attention like ME does

    Number 2: How can you tell people you're engaged if you don't even plan to invite them to your own wedding? I think that's just weird

    Also, the "wedding" isn't until April 2013 when supposedly, they have more money. They are still in serious debt with credit card bills.

    It just makes me so mad that people who have bad relationships think they can salvage them when they are husband and wife. I've been ranting to my boyfriend all day about this and he agrees
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]

    Who are YOU to say that she isn't engaged?  If the two of them have decided that they are engaged, then you need to respect that (no matter how effed up you may think their relationship is at the moment.) 

    Honestly, you sound jealous that she is engaged.  Very jealous.  Get over it.  It is her relationship, not yours.  If you are secure in your relationship, it shouldn't bother you.  It sounds like they are being responsible by waiting until spring 2013 in order to save money.  Maybe they will break up again, who knows.  If you truly have an issue with it and have concrete evidence, talk to her at some point.

    Was it the best time for her to shout from the rooftops about her engagement?  Maybe not.  It wasn't your birthday, so I don't see why you are so bent out of shape. 

    In terms of her not telling you before everyone, maybe she knew that you were would be putting on your judgey pants, so she didn't want you raining on her parade. 

    Also, if you fundamentally disagree with the marriage, maybe you shouldn't be in the bridal party. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:e6c4ff6f-6bf5-41ea-9350-2d27dfe49154">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant* : <strong>Who are YOU to say that she isn't engaged?  If the two of them have decided that they are engaged, then you need to respect that (no matter how effed up you may think their relationship is at the moment.)  Honestly, you sound jealous that she is engaged.  Very jealous.  Get over it.  It is her relationship, not yours.  If you are secure in your relationship, it shouldn't bother you.</strong>  It sounds like they are being responsible by waiting until spring 2013 in order to save money.  Maybe they will break up again, who knows.  If you truly have an issue with it and have concrete evidence, talk to her at some point. <strong>Was it the best time for her to shout from the rooftops about her engagement?  Maybe not.  It wasn't your birthday, so I don't see why you are so bent out of shape.  In terms of her not telling you before everyone, maybe she knew that you were would be putting on your judgey pants, so she didn't want you raining on her parade.  Also, if you fundamentally disagree with the marriage, maybe you shouldn't be in the bridal party. </strong>
    Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

    This exactly...especially the bolded parts.
  • P.S. You just look like a pansy when you reply to other posts but not your own.  Just sayin'. 
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  • You sound like a child. Stop whining and put on some big girl pants.
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  • All I heard was 'Wah Wah Wah'.
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  • .......wow


    You guys are mean! I'm not jealous at all. It's a waste of f*king time. It wasn't my intention to come off like that. I guess I'm on the wrong board! Besides, ME has told me once before that she was jealous of me and I told her she had no need to be jealous of anyone. Can't a girl be irritated once in a while? Jesus! Maybe the "rules" for this board didn't get explained to me.

    And that's another thing, why are all you married or engaged women on here anyway?

    It's Christmas time! Why is everyone being such a "D word"? (not going to say it on here. lol)

    I would say more, but I don't want to sink to the level this board is going for

    PS. My cousin was right, TK is no good at the social part of things

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:822b1501-2a11-41ed-ad7c-c51112da4626">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]P.S. You just look like a pansy when you reply to other posts but not your own.  Just sayin'. 
    Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

    So I can't engage in other people's conversations? Maybe I was already DONE with this post already!
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  • I meant another D word Wink

    And I apprieciate all the advice. I just don't think clearly when I'm stressed or irritated.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:c21809b9-e3f1-44ad-88d2-e2e9bd553183">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]And that's another thing, why are all you married or engaged women on here anyway?
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]

    Because they started out on NEY, not at Just Engaged or anything like that. It's the women who waited patiently and got what they wanted, and now they're here to coach the rest of us and get us to calm the fuq down when we need to be calmed down.

    I'm not engaged. Will I hang around after I'm engaged and married? Yeah, I probably will. I like the activity in this board. The vast majority of the other boards are very single-minded -- this one has more variety. It's nice.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:6afb0e5e-b171-4a8e-a5dd-acc51e8d9ae9">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant* : So I can't engage in other people's conversations?

    Maybe I was already DONE with this post already!
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]


    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/7/ea5daa5d-7e24-4bab-9759-94f1c89f3f77.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', 'ea5daa5d-7e24-4bab-9759-94f1c89f3f77', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/7/ea5daa5d-7e24-4bab-9759-94f1c89f3f77.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>


    And we don't need your type of engagement in conversations around here.  Yes, I am referring to you saying that pre-planning doesn't hurt and how much you want to try on wedding dresses. 


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-not-really-engaged-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:977195a2-a0ee-4f29-8c24-ac758e7a64e6Post:c21809b9-e3f1-44ad-88d2-e2e9bd553183">Re: My friend is (NOT REALLY!!) engaged *rant*</a>:
    [QUOTE].......wow

    You guys are mean! I'm not jealous at all. It's a waste of f*king time. It wasn't my intention to come off like that. I guess I'm on the wrong board! <em>Besides, ME has told me once before that she was jealous of me and I told her she had no need to be jealous of anyone. </em>Can't a girl be irritated once in a while? Jesus! Maybe the "rules" for this board didn't get explained to me.

    <strong>And that's another thing, why are all you married or engaged women on here anyway? </strong>

    It's Christmas time! Why is everyone being such a "D word"? (not going to say it on here. lol)

    I would say more, but I don't want to sink to the level this board is going for

    PS. My cousin was right, TK is no good at the social part of things
    Posted by sgarless[/QUOTE]

    I'm here because I am awesome in bed.  Obviously. 

    Why are you being such a 'D word' to YOUR friend?  We don't know you.  You actually know your friend that you are judging and making comments about.
    (And I have no idea what 'D word' you are using.  I just say what I mean.  Christmastime or otherwise. lol)
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