MOH Issues

Redsx15Fan · August 2011

Hey Ladies,
I am having trouble with my MOH.

For 3 months now she has not been returning mine or my bridesmaids calls or emails. If she does they are breif emails and avoids all wedding questions. My wedding is in 6 weeks and she hasn't picked up her dress that came in a week ago.

My mother and bridesmaids are very upset with her becuase she didn't do anything for a shower and won't return their calls or emails about it.

This weekend was my last straw. I threw a BBQ for my wedding party. She asked Friday night if she could come early and help, I said that I would love her to. the BBQ started at one and she showed up at like 1:20. Not a big deal, however she stated that she had the flu (but looked fine). About a half hour in she decided to have about 4 jellow shots (who has jello shots when they have the flu) then left shortly after that to go to bed.

While she was there I tried to get a feel for what was going on and asked her if she wanted to see what I had made for the wedding. She agreed but didn't pay attention and just said yup yup. After showing her three things I was certian she wasn't interested and put it all away.

I am so stressed out about her even showing up or ruining my day. I have thought a lot about this and I think I am going to ask her to step down or not be in the wedding.

What are your thoughts or sugguestions????

jelenybeany · August 2011

hmm. this is hard. I think it's really rude to kick someone out of your wedding, but I understand why you're frustrated. I would have a frank talk with her instead of just trying to get a feel, ask her if she's too busy or overwhelmed, and give her an out. She honestly may not know how to handle the wedding of a friend.

One of my bridesmaids recently asked me if she was doing enough. She's been awesome throughout but she sincerely didn't know if there was something she should be doing for me because she's never been involved in a wedding before.

So anywho, you can't really kick her out, but I would talk to her and straight out ask her "I noticed you seem really busy/distracted lately, will being a guest instead of a member of the bridal party make life easier for you?" and if she says no, then let it go and realize the only thing she really has to do is wear her dress and show up at your wedding at this point.

hcorr34 · August 2011

I don't recommend kicking her out of the wedding unless you are ready to deal with drama and possibly have a friendship ended. If she was important enough to you for you to ask her be your MOH, then I wouldn't think you'd want to end your friendship with her.

Is it possible that she's jealous and that is why she is distancing herself from everything? Has she been a MOH before? Unfortunately, as excited as we are about our weddings, other people, even our MOH, might not be as interested as we want them to be.

I chose my BP based on my relationships with people and not their interest or ability to help me do things. I come from the perspective that BMs and the MOH have very few "duties" - I asked them to buy a dress and come to my hotel so that we could ride in the limo together to the ceremony. Beyond that, if was up to each individual girl to participate/contribute how ever she wanted to. While I was blessed to have my cousin, who is like a sister to me, as my MOH, I did have 3 BMs who contributed very little. Two didn't even come to my bachelorette party. It frustrated my MOH and mother, but I tried to explain to them that interest in the wedding/contributing to pre-wedding parties is completely optional.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, as I don't mean it to sound that way. I have seen what happens to friendships when someone is asked to step down from the WP and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

jessicabessica · August 2011

Have you been having non-wedding-related conversations with her? Do you know if anything is going on with her? I would make sure you are asking her to be a friend first and a MOH second. She might have something going on outside of the wedding or feelings related to the wedding that are making her act disconnected from the wedding.

Don't ask her to step down unless you're ready to end the friendship. Something made you want to ask her to be your MOH in the first place, and I can't imagine that whatever great relationship you had pre-wedding is worth losing. Lower your expectations for what you want her to do for your wedding, and try not to let your bridesmaids/mom/etc. drag you back into it when they complain about your MOH not doing enough.

FWIW, one of my brothers was a pill on my wedding day (held it together during the ceremony, started acting really weird during the reception), and we were sitting with our siblings, so I definitely saw it. I don't know if he was upset because he decided not to bring his GF or because the open bar was carding (he's 20), but he started acting very disconnected from everything, and at least my immediate family noticed. It didn't ruin my day. I still had a great time at the wedding.

shandorfml2 · August 2011

We're having simular issues with the best man, who is a girl. She has been late returning emails, and hasn't even seriously LOOKED at dresses ! She has to have 2 months notice to take a day off work so won't come to any of the pre-wedding parties. Its really disappointing for FI. He is talking with her today about how "what a big commitment a wedding is" and we understand if it is to difficult for her to commit to the big job of best man. She can still be involved if she wants...but we need her to know she either needs to step up, or step back.

chrispygal · August 2011

I'm having MOH issues too, and the MOH is my sister. She has decided that after 20 years of marriage, now is the time to have a mid-life crisis. My family is all brought into this and it's been awful. I didn't even want to speak to her at my shower and it is noticably awkward between us. I am hurt and I understand how you feel. My friends, who have done most of the planning for the shower, etc have had a horrible time dealing with her. She's 40, not 20, and she has been no help. It makes me feel awful! So I guess that's my long way of saying that I understand and I understand what it's like to be caught in the middle of people who are rightfully upset at her lack of options, and the hurt of wondering why this special person in your life is not acting how you think you'd be acting if the roles were reversed.

For me, it's a matter of whether or not you still want to be friends with this person afterwards. If you do, I'd do nothing or I would take her to lunch and talk and see what's going on in her life. Let her know you feel like she's not really excited for you and you want to check in and make sure she's ok. Weddings can bring out the worst in people sometimes, and she really could be going through part of her own "woe-is-me" type stuff. We've all been there. I really doubt she would stand you up at your wedding, but it does happen and I don't know her, so I can't be certain.

The one thing I keep telling myself over and over through this process is that my wedding is not the most important thing to everyone. In fact, it's probably a nuisance to many people. I agree with lowering expectations and expect nothing more than for her to be there that day and stand up for you. It's sad, but sometimes that's all you can expect from people. Please don't let it get you down. I know it's tough, but it is what it is (may favorite saying). You can't change what people do, you can only change how you react or your perception. xoxoxo

hcorr34 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:a00413f0-fd78-4874-bea9-f0eb360d5622">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]We're having simular issues with the best man, who is a girl. She has been late returning emails, and hasn't even seriously LOOKED at dresses ! She has to have 2 months notice to take a day off work so won't come to any of the pre-wedding parties. Its really disappointing for FI. <strong>He is talking with her today about how "what a big commitment a wedding is" and we understand if it is to difficult for her to commit to the big job of best man</strong>. She can still be involved if she wants...but we need her to know she either needs to step up, or step back.
Posted by shandorfml2[/QUOTE]

Big commitment? Big job? How so? DH's BM rented a tux, held the rings at the ceremony signed the marriage certificate, and gave a speech. Prior to the wedding, he flew up from FL to hang out for a very low key bachelor party, but DH was not expecting this because he didn't think the BM would want to fly up for just a few days, and he would have understood if didn't come up. Yes, they have a big job on the day of the wedding, but prior to that, nothing is really required.

I feel like some people are very misguided in what the roles of the wedding party are supposed to be. Buy dress/rent tux, show up sober, smile for pictures. Those were my "duties" that I gave to our wedding party.

[QUOTE]<strong>The one thing I keep telling myself over and over through this process is that my wedding is not the most important thing to everyone. In fact, it's probably a nuisance to many people.</strong> I agree with lowering expectations and expect nothing more than for her to be there that day and stand up for you. It's sad, but sometimes that's all you can expect from people. Please don't let it get you down. I know it's tough, but it is what it is (may favorite saying). You can't change what people do, you can only change how you react or your perception. xoxoxo
Posted by chrispygal[/QUOTE]

This. 1000%. Most people do not consider it to be an honor to be in your wedding. They would probably rather be a guest and not have to worry about buying special attire, feeling obligated to attend pre-wedding stuff, etc., but they accept because they know how much it means to the bride and/or groom.

I hate that I'm beginning to sound like a biotch on here, but I have seen a friendship end and sisters really put a strain on their relationship because of wedding party issues. My best friend, in hindsight, still hates herself 7 years later for what happened between her and her sister (MOH) prior to her wedding, because their relationship has never been the same. Your wedding might seem like the biggest thing right now, but other people do not see it that way and 10 years from now, which is more important: Your wedding or your relationships with the people you wanted to have involved in that day?

fickrj5 · August 2011

I have been having issues with my MOH for over a year now. Personally I wish she would just step down, as outside of this wedding we don't talk or hang out anymore. We were best friend in High School and in the last couple of years she has made a lot of lifestyle choices that I just don't agree with and we don't really see eye-to eye on things anymore. All she has done is cause me stress and problems throughout this entire process, and it sucks.

I would just try talking to her about it and see what happens.

jelenybeany · August 2011

HCorr I don't think you sound like a biotch. In a perfect world your MOH and bridesmaids would be obsessed with your wedding and festivities, but they usually aren't. Like Chrispy said, it's a nusiance for most people. I feel super fortunate that my bridal party wants to be as involved as they do, but I was not anticipating such awesome help. I can see why OP is dissapointed, but I agree with you 100%. There are no duties but showing up.

On a side note, I'm so sad that so many people on here are having a hard time with their MOHs.

shandorfml2 · August 2011

I understand that most people don't think its an honor and so forth. But to not be able to come to the bachelor party, the shower and then not have looked into what she will wear and we've been asking for months? I want her to be there for my FI and it might sound silly, but the rest of the bridal party will match and she would look out of place if she showed up in slacks and a blouse. But...I know that shouldn't matter. I'm more disapointed that she is showing no interest at all in planning and so forth for her close friend's wedding

Redsx15Fan · August 2011

Thank you Ladies for all of your sugguestions and support!
I personally think that being a MOH does mean that you have to do a little more than wearing the dress and showing up, but that's why we all have our own opinions :-)

I spoke with her and she is in a really bad place right now...really bad. We talked at great lenghts and together agreed that she needs to concentrate on her and not worry about my wedding. Her well being is way more important.

I did tell her that it was very important to me that she be there and be a part of everything so I still wanted her to be included in anything and everything she wants. She is invited to help with favors, flowers, and to the hotel the night befroe the wedding. I also told her that I want her to sit in the front row with my parents and she will also have a mother's boquet to recognize her importance.

Wow what a weight off from my sholder... Next mission find a replacement BM.
Thank you again for all of your comments...what a great group of ladies!

chrispygal · August 2011

Any way you look at it, all this stuff really sucks! I think the big divider here is how close people are. For me, with my sister, I'm letting it go. It's not worth it to me, no matter how hurt I am that she's been lying to me. There are worse things in life and much more important things for me to focus on. Besides, I know in the next 40 years we will face much more challenging things together. But she's my sister. Friends sometimes do drift apart, like with Flickr, and in that case I'd probably just tell them to take a hike. lol.

hcorr34 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:e26f5fd7-05c4-4484-8b65-ea480da074b1">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE] Next mission find a replacement BM.
Posted by Redsx15Fan[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I have to open my mouth again.

Is it necessary to find a replacement one? We had a very uneven BP and it didn't matter.

Think about how the replacement will feel - she didn't make the original cut but now she does? I think I would be insulted if a friend asked me to be a BM to replace one that backed out.

Redsx15Fan · August 2011

With all do respect, that might be ok with you. I am very particular and a perfectionist. It would drive me crazy and even stress me out to not have an even bridal party.

I think that if one's friends are close enough to the bride they will understand 1. that the bridal party can only be so big and everyone can't be included and 2. that I would hope that people would be human and understand that things happen in people's personal lives so they should be honered to be thought of.

I think that there are many ways to look at this and we all have our own opinions. My other best friend steped up to the plate graciously as she is also friends and concerned about my MOH. I don't see a problem with asking another friend by saying that something had some had to back out of the wedding for personal issues, and I would love them to be able to stand up for me. That leaves the ball in their court they can agree of be offended.

jelenybeany · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:4089205e-7928-4526-9553-70c39aa9ca93">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]With all do respect, that might be ok with you. I am very particular and a perfectionist. It would drive me crazy and even stress me out to not have an even bridal party. I think that if one's friends are close enough to the bride they will understand 1. that the bridal party can only be so big and everyone can't be included and 2. that I would hope that people would be human and understand that things happen in people's personal lives so they should be honered to be thought of. I think that there are many ways to look at this and we all have our own opinions. My other best friend steped up to the plate graciously as she is also friends and concerned about my MOH. I don't see a problem with asking another friend by saying that something had some had to back out of the wedding for personal issues, and I would love them to be able to stand up for me. That leaves the ball in their court they can agree of be offended.
Posted by Redsx15Fan[/QUOTE]

yuck. i know i might get flamed for this but that sounds just terrible. i would not be honored to be asked to be a replacement. I would be mortified. I'm glad it worked out for you and you were able to talk to your former MOH about things and get everything worked out, but it really is tasteless to ask someone to replace her.

uneven sides are not a big deal. perfectionist or not. i think it's silly. and you saying it leaves the ball in their court is inaccurate. what your saying is "if their offended that's their problem" and I don't feel like you should put someone you care about in that position.

also, it doesn't matter if you "feel" that a MOH has more duties than to show up in a dress. That's also not accurate. It's wonderful if you're lucky enough to have bridesmaids who want to help and who are eager to do wedding related things, but they absolutely are not required to do anything other than show up. Trust me, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and assuming people do can lead to resentment.

I'm totally not trying to be mean if it comes across that way, you did the right thing by not kicking your MOH out, but seriously, don't replace her.

hcorr34 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:e085b492-71b0-4554-9775-115d06d21b5c">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Issues : yuck. i know i might get flamed for this but that sounds just terrible. i would not be honored to be asked to be a replacement. I would be mortified. I'm glad it worked out for you and you were able to talk to your former MOH about things and get everything worked out, but it really is tasteless to ask someone to replace her. uneven sides are not a big deal. perfectionist or not. i think it's silly. and you saying it leaves the ball in their court is inaccurate. what your saying is "if their offended that's their problem" and I don't feel like you should put someone you care about in that position. also, it doesn't matter if you "feel" that a MOH has more duties than to show up in a dress. That's also not accurate. It's wonderful if you're lucky enough to have bridesmaids who want to help and who are eager to do wedding related things, but they absolutely are not required to do anything other than show up. Trust me, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, and assuming people do can lead to resentment. I'm totally not trying to be mean if it comes across that way, you did the right thing by not kicking your MOH out, but seriously, don't replace her.
Posted by jelenybeany[/QUOTE]

Glad I'm not alone in my thinking. And honestly, if you brought this way of thinking over to the etiquette board to ask their advice, you'd hear the same thing jeleny and I have said. Except way harsher because there are a lot of cranky people over there.

I have a really hard time with the "must be even" point of view. Essentially, you're saying that your close friendships have to fit into a specific number. What is that perfect number for a WP? What would have happened if you had 5 close friends that you really wanted to be in your WP but your FI only had 2 and could not possibly come up with more. What would happen if one of you had someone step down and could not find another person close enough to ask? Ask someone just to look even?

I had 6 and DH had 4. I'm a perfectionist, and a math teacher who likes everything symmetrical, but I was not about to force him to find two more friends or cut two from my side. At the end of the day, it will only matter that you said "I Do" and not how many people you had standing next to you.

jelenybeany · August 2011

i was thinking the same thing! if she had asked this on the etiquette board she would have had super nasty responses. that's why i was trying to be nice without validating this terrible idea.

for what it's worth I have 4 bridesmaids and FI will have two groomsman. What was I supposed to do? cut out one of my sisters and a friend? drop him off at a bar until he made some extra friends?

trust me. having uneven sides will not be a big deal.

jessicabessica · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:62c0be49-dd54-448e-89c1-72e566abcfa3">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]i was thinking the same thing! if she had asked this on the etiquette board she would have had super nasty responses. that's why i was trying to be nice without validating this terrible idea. for what it's worth I have 4 bridesmaids and FI will have two groomsman. What was I supposed to do? cut out one of my sisters and a friend? <strong>drop him off at a bar until he made some extra friends?</strong> trust me. having uneven sides will not be a big deal.
Posted by jelenybeany[/QUOTE]

<div>Clearly this is the right answer :)</div><div>
</div><div>But in all seriousness, I do agree with jelenybeany and hcorrigan on this one. </div>

chrispygal · August 2011

I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your friend, although I am sorry she is in a bad place right now. It sounds like you were able to work it out without hard feelings and that is what is important.

I do agree that a MOH does have more duties than just showing up and wearing a dress. IMHO, they are the "leader" of the bridesmaids and their main duties include making sure the shower and bachelorette party happen with the help of the other bridesmaids/families. Whether or not this happens is another thing, but I do very clearly feel there are implied duties with accpeting to be a bridesmaid, groomsman, or MOH/Best Man.

And I'm going to defend RedSx15Fan here. She is not the first nor the last person to want "equal" sides. Does it have to be done? No. Will it effect how people interpret the day? No. Can she get away without it? Sure. But if it's what she wants then who are we to judge? I'm sure we have all made decisions about things that are important to us that others would not agree with.

Ok, off my soapbox.

And I do totally love the Maine forum!

hcorr34 · August 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_maine_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:98Discussion:0072a4eb-756d-4f3e-9d76-f26c07040125Post:1e7f1e74-8025-41fb-8d99-ba859d0b3c96">Re: MOH Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad you had a chance to talk to your friend, although I am sorry she is in a bad place right now. It sounds like you were able to work it out without hard feelings and that is what is important. I do agree that a MOH does have more duties than just showing up and wearing a dress. IMHO, they are the "leader" of the bridesmaids and their main duties include making sure the shower and bachelorette party happen with the help of the other bridesmaids/families. Whether or not this happens is another thing, but I do very clearly feel there are implied duties with accpeting to be a bridesmaid, groomsman, or MOH/Best Man. And I'm going to defend RedSx15Fan here. She is not the first nor the last person to want "equal" sides. Does it have to be done? No. Will it effect how people interpret the day? No. Can she get away without it? Sure. <strong>But if it's what she wants then who are we to judge? I'm sure we have all made decisions about things that are important to us that others would not agree with. </strong> Ok, off my soapbox. And I do totally love the Maine forum!
Posted by chrispygal[/QUOTE]

I was very conscious about any decision I made that could have had an impact on someone's feelings, and often went against what I really wanted so that someone wouldn't be upset, offended, hurt, etc. Anniversary dances are very much a tradition in my family, and I always figured I'd have one, but since my wedding was less than a week after what would have been my MOH's 11th anniversary (her husband was killed two years ago), I decided against it because I didn't want to upset her. Pictures were really important to me, but I sacrificed what could have been some great shots at Fort Williams because one of my BMs has mobility issues and couldn't have made it easily where I wanted everyone to be.

I've been that friend who has been told, "Oh, if I could only have one more bridesmaid, I would have chosen you." That had to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I think the only thing that could have hurt worse was that friend turning around and saying, a few months later, "Oh, I have room for you now." I don't have a problem with wanting even sides, I have a problem with the idea that friends are sacrificed so that that number can stay perfect and even.

On the other hand, I'll never forget when I was a BM in my best friend's wedding, and her sister planned this huge shower without a lot of input from the rest of the BMs. At the end of the shower, when she came to me and one other BM and said we each owed $150 for our share, I almost fainted. I vowed at that point that my wedding, when ever it happened, would not be a burden on anyone. To me, it meant more that people stepped up and offered to help with various things rather than doing it because I delegated, gave them jobs, etc.

Based on this conversation and others that I have seen, my biggest piece of advice to newly engaged brides is to wait as long as possible to pick your BMs. I'm glad I only had a 9 month engagement, because I'm not sure I would have been able to wait that long. People drift apart all the time, and the longer you can wait, the better. When I first got engaged, I couldn't understand why everyone on here was saying that. Now I do.

jelenybeany · August 2011

I only have a nine month engagement as well. I'm glad for that because I as well wanted to ask people as soon as possible.

Chrispy, I don't think anyone is judging her for wanting even sides. We are saying that it's horribly rude to ask someone to step in at the last moment. You can totally feel like a MOH has more duties than showing up, but, based on an etiquette standpoint, they simply don't.

I love the Maine board too!

staceymhanson · August 2011

I just replaced one of my bridesmaids, she decided the night before her wedding she wanted even sides and i was the bridesmaid she cut, she also deleted me off of everything and blocked my phone number and i am not sure why. Anyways if your going to be unhappy with a certain person being in your wedding party and they are just as unhappy then well ask them if they want out. I replaced that girl with another close friend and after telling her what had happened she was fine with being the "replacement" but serioulsy do what best for you and who cares what others think. If they are your friends and you discuss whats going on with them they should understand.

Redsx15Fan · August 2011

staceymhanson,
Thank you for your post. I agree with you and that's how I felt. The girl I asked to replace the MOH was very understanding and happy to be part of my wedding party. She said "I am very excited to part of your day and so happy you thought of me. I want this day to be perfect for you."

I think that we all have different thought, values, feelings, and friendships which is ok. It doesn't make anyone's way wrong or indifferent. Nor do I think that it makes a person rude or attack people.

We are all wonderful people and allowed to be different! I do think given certian circumstances replacing a BM could be less than tasteful, but each circumstance is different.

Any who.... We are all a great group of ladies!

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