Need help desperately!!!

kagiltinan · January 2013

Thank you guys

hoffse · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-help-desperately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:5c69d1ea-ea2a-4aec-8750-ffe712ea2028Post:791a14c6-17fc-4924-85a6-49d30c2c4d9a">Need help desperately!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Long story short... I got married a year and a half ago... Was married 3 weeks found out ex was cheating and he wanted a divorce. He kept all of the cards and I never had a chance to write thank you notes... Most of the gifts were returned to pay for lawyer fees some of my family knows this most do not. I am engaged again... This is my FI first wedding. He wants the whole wedding bridal shower engagement party blah blah blah so does his family. I want that also because the last one for me was horrible and I was treated terribly. His mom wants us to register and all. I'm fine with that especially since my entire family won't be invited only those I am close with. I feel horrible though, as though I will be judged over this, especially since I didn't do thank you notes or inform most of my family what was taking place ALL know of my divorce now though what would you suggest... <strong>Tell my now FI I can't go through with a wedding because I'm scared other will bad mouth me and that I was completely wrong for not writing thank yous or this is a new wedding new life have fun and enjoy ourselves</strong>?
Posted by kagiltinan[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ok first. Wedding =/= gifts. You can certainly go through with a wedding and not register. Or you can make a small registry at maybe one store and leave it at that. That's probably what I would do - not talk about it, not put it on my website, just let people know who asked me directly where it is. That should keep the greatest number of people happy, including your FI who has the largest vote (other than you) in all this.</div><div>
</div><div>As for thank you notes, this was a huge faux paux but what is done is done, and you seem to know that you should have written thank yous. I'm not sure how your ex keeping the cards prevented you from writing thank you notes - somebody should have been writing a list down for your future reference while you were opening gifts the first time around. But hopefully you know better for the future.</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, if it were me, I would try to adjust my vision and have dreams of a smaller shindig this time - not because you are getting married for the second time, but because this is the second one in less than two years. People on your side might have a hard time being as excited for you as they were the first time around. If that's the case, accept it for what it is instead of worrying about being judged. I suspect they will judge you less if you forego some of the more AW moments that so many brides seem to have these days (ie: a shower - not really necessary, and they are most often just for the bride, so you can decline it without affecting your FI).

</div>

AdeleDazeem · January 2013

You were married for three weeks.
You did not return anyone's gifts and instead of using them to start your marriage; you used them to pay for your divorce.
You never sent thank you notes.
You did this all only 1.5 years ago.

Honestly? I would be completely wary of having a shower or registering for this wedding because of how things went down last time. Perhaps if it was many years ago, then maybe... But, right now if I were your family member, I'd be thinking that this ship has sailed and it was a bit gift grabby and in poor taste to register and desire gifts again.

Have a looooovely wedding. Celebrate the day and your new relationship. Forget the other things. You know now that far more goes into a marriage than a nice wedding and gifts. If people want to give you something, then let them, but don't go asking for things by having a shower or making a registry.

kagiltinan · January 2013

I am sorry it should say tell him I don't want to go through with a wedding registry not a wedding. Sorry about that.

AddieCake · January 2013

I agree with Joy. It is too soon, and people may side-eye a registry in your case.

Sorry that happened to you, and best wishes with your new groom!

kagiltinan · January 2013

Thank you guys!

HobokensFury · January 2013

We had a similar situation in my family just last year with my cousin's husband. His family felt it was too soon and choose not to attend any prewedding events for the bride and even the wedding.

Skip the prewedding events and the registry. Enjoy your wedding.

kvonins · January 2013

I went thru quite a similar situation and through everything this is what i've learned..

Yes I was married and divorced rather quickly, and those who love me stand by me no matter what. We were never got around to sending thank-you's either, which i feel absolutely terrible about. BUT those who know what happened, thank you notes are no where near the front of their mind. People understand, you've been thru something devastating. If they choose to "side eye" you because you're doing another registry, too bad, they dont need to get you anything. This wedding is also for your fiance, he hasn't bee able to experience this YET, let him enjoy it and so should YOU. Just because this is your second, doesn't mean it should be any less special for you. Those who love you and support you are what matter, your fiance matters, nothing else.. It's extremely scary, I fight the nerves every day as things get closer and the "Pre-wedding" talks begin of showers and registries, but I know i am with my fiance and we're getting married. Let everyone (who wants to) celebrate with you and for you.

GO ENJOY YOUR WEDDING!!

gailpete · January 2013

As you said- it is your FI's first wedding, therefore I am assuming that his family was not invited to any pre-wedding parties for your first wedding, nor were they invited to the wedding. Where your family or friends may side-eye or choose not to participate in gift giving for this wedding, that doesn't mean his won't want to give you gifts.

Create a small registry, and if his family offers to host a shower for you, limit the guest list to his relatives or family friends, your BMs and your mom (and sisters or grandmothers, as appropriate). Decline any invitiation for a shower from your side of the family or where the guest list may overlap with that of the first wedding.

Make sure you send all thank yous ASAP.

kvonins · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_need-help-desperately?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:5c69d1ea-ea2a-4aec-8750-ffe712ea2028Post:83778ea2-8d01-4f3b-97bf-6ac96f3efdbe">Re: Need help desperately!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]kvonins, coming to a shower, where the purpose is to fuss over the bride and bring her gifts, is NOT some sort of honor and privilege FOR THE GUEST. It's not an honor to spend money on someone else, especially so close together. This is gouging your guests, plain and simple. Gifts are to be returned if the marriage doesn't take place, or there is a quickie divorce. Period. She can certainly register, but don't be surprised if some of the guests don't send a gift this time.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

First off, I would NEVER expect gifts from anyone! I have actually asked my family and friends NOT to throw a shower for my side, we are however having one for my fiance's family. Again this is all a first for him and his family. You may want to step back for a minute and reasses the situation. Why are you being so negative? Why shouldn't she enjoy her wedding and prewedding? No one should ever Expect gifts from anyone. The only thing that should matter is the love and support, not side eyed looks and rude remarks.

kagiltinan · January 2013

I just want it to be clear... the only family that will be invited to my wedding is the family that supported me through the terrible stuff I had gone through. I do not expect gifts from ANYONE. His family is asking us to please make a registry. I feel AWFUL about the thank you note things. And the girl who "wrote the names down" at my first wedding shower was his sister who was aware of the cheating and she "accidently" throw out the papers at the wedding. My family and friends were aware of that also. I am the one who feels uncomfortable. My family says to ENJOY everything as though it is my first wedding because the other did not count in anyone's eyes. I realize that I should have returned the gifts because of a divorce, when asking my close family what I should do about returning gifts to people, they stated to me those who want their gifts back will ask for them, especially since EVERYONE knew what happened. I was just trying to get a feel for what others thought. kvonins - thank you for your support and understanding. I am glad to know I am not alone in something like this. Also no, none of the friends or family of my FI attended my past wedding and most of the people invited to my past wedding will NOT be attending this, as they KNEW what was taking place and no one spoke to me to let me know what had been taking place. Again, THANK YOU.

kagiltinan · January 2013

Thank you.

kvonins · January 2013

This is your opportunity to have the wedding you were unable to have before, enjoy yourself and have fun with it. If someone has something negative to say, then they honestly do not know the full extent of what happened. If I bought you a gift and realized what had happened, I would have told you myself to sell the gift for money toward the laywer/divorce. Going thru that was the most lonely and devastating thing I've ever gone thru, so if someone has something negative to say then they have no business attending. It is my hope that your family and friends support you thru all of this, there are some uncomfortable moments as people learn of the engagement and begin asking questions, but this this your chance at the new beginning, live it up as if it was your first time, because technically it is with your fiance. Everything is different the second time around.

Need help desperately!!!

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