Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker

Partymixx27 · October 2010

HI Ladies,

I’m MOH in my friend’s wedding, and in charge of planning the bachelorette party. It’s this Saturday, and it’s going to be a small gathering of the bride, myself, and 3 other women meeting for dinner & drinks at a restaurant/lounge, and then probably dancing & drinks after at the same place.

The issue is, one of the women coming does not drink, at all. Would it be fair to ask to split the bill four ways after dinner? I’m pretty sure the other 4 including the bride will have a few drinks but if we split it 4 ways the non-drinker will be stuck paying for alcohol she didn’t consume. Maybe she doesn’t mind but if I ask her what she thinks she might feel obligated to agree to split the bill to avoid looking “cheap”. Besides I don’t know her that well.

What is the right thing to do, just all pay our own ways and then split the cost of the bride’s dinner/drinks by 4? Or should I as MOH offer to just pay for the bride myself? I was also planning on picking up the bride’s drinks after dinner…she’s not looking to get plastered but this place can get pricey. WWYD?

danieliza1127 · October 2010

Have everyone pay for themselves and then just split the bride's costs 4 ways.

Wrkn925 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:c29833cc-c5fd-410d-bfce-6a231dc848e2">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]Have everyone pay for themselves and then just split the bride's costs 4 ways.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

yup.

emilyinchile · October 2010

First things first: what have the 4 of you discussed in terms of who's hosting? If you're planning the party and inviting the other 3, then you shouldn't really present people with a bill and expect them to pay for more than what they themselves eat and drink. Many people probably expect to chip in to cover the bride's share, but they need to volunteer that rather than you asking for it.

If everyone's on-board with covering the bride's expenses, I'd just have each person pay for what they order plus 1/4 of the bride's cost. You're only a small group, so it's not like it's going to be that hard to figure out what each person owes, and splitting it equally seems unfair if people order things that cost different amounts.

Trifury2007 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:c29833cc-c5fd-410d-bfce-6a231dc848e2">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]Have everyone pay for themselves and then just split the bride's costs 4 ways.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I agree with this but wanted to say that I was a non drinker for years and never minded splitting bills evenly among the group regardless of what others ordered/drank relative to my consumption. Maybe I'm just weird about that though.

Partymixx27 · October 2010

One of the women going is my sister, and the other 2 I really don't know that well. One of them I haven't even met yet, we have just sent a few texts back and forth. Splitting the bride's cost four ways in additon to our own seems fairest, but maybe a call to the other ladies wouldn't hurt to make sure they're OK with it. Thanks! :-)

stillundecided4 · October 2010

Split the bride's cost 4 ways and have everyone else pay their fair share.

LDYGTR13 · October 2010

I agree with PP's. I think if I was the non drinker I wouldn't be very happy if I had to pay for drinks that the others drank - especially if it could be like $12 for a martini or something. The only fair thing is to do what you're thinking.

Beachy730 · October 2010

I would plan on splitting the brides 4 ways and each paying your own. You can bring it up beforehand with them so there is no surprise.

She may just insist on splitting anyways, because thats how my group is as well. We did a nice dinner for my bachelorette and then went out for drinks after to the bars. One of my BMs was pregnant and stuck it out the whole night with us (she rocked, I kept offering for the group to go back to the hotel but she was a champ). But she insisted on splitting the bill evenly even though she didn't drink at dinner, and she bought rounds of drinks and shots at the bar even though she wasn't drinking.

noodle_oo · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:638d0cd7-7bca-4225-98e8-bae90a15a8f0">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker : I agree with this but wanted to say that I was a non drinker for years and never minded splitting bills evenly among the group regardless of what others ordered/drank relative to my consumption. Maybe I'm just weird about that though.
Posted by Trifury2007[/QUOTE]

I'm a non-drinker and I just wanted to say that I do care about splitting the bill evenly when I'm not drinking. I've been to outings where my bill would be almost nothing (a few sodas) but I get stuck shelling out like $30 or $50 to cover everyone else. When it is a big group, it is very hard to not look like a jerk and point out that I owe much less. I don't like subsidizing everyone else's drinking.

But to avoid looking cheap and being annoying to everyone else, I suck it up and pay it or I avoid the situations.

So anyway, I just wanted to tell the OP that it is very nice of you to be conscious of the non-drinker in your group!

Belle2Be · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:be7a8aad-8fb5-4043-9031-80566ee9e8f8">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker : I'm a non-drinker and I just wanted to say that I do care about splitting the bill evenly when I'm not drinking. I've been to outings where my bill would be almost nothing (a few sodas) but I get stuck shelling out like $30 or $50 to cover everyone else. When it is a big group, it is very hard to not look like a jerk and point out that I owe much less. I don't like subsidizing everyone else's drinking. But to avoid looking cheap and being annoying to everyone else, I suck it up and pay it or I avoid the situations. So anyway, I just wanted to tell the OP that it is very nice of you to be conscious of the non-drinker in your group!
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]
DItto this!

I wanted to add, I thought th host of the party paid for the food?

srkropf · October 2010

I agree with above, plus maybe you can take turns buying drinks, provided she doesnt get a bunch of free ones

LuluP82 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:62a3ebf7-d0d3-4e18-807a-5b21b808a68d">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]Argh - this is always a sticky situation. In reality, if you go with the theory that each person pays for their own and then 1/4 of the bride's bill, it always gets messy. It always goes something like this " OK, I had the chicken franciase for 14.99 and, oh, we did split that apetizer so that is, what, 5$? Oh, and don't forget my soda... How much of the tax is mine?" Inevitably, the bill ends up somehow short and someone ends up just throwing another $20 in just to resolve the darn bill. Bring a calculator, put someone in charge of figuring out the bill and get ready for a headache. Or get separate bills and ask that any shared appetizers go on the bride bill, then split that bill equally. I just think that splitting hte bill based on what everyone each com=nsumed is a real headache and also is potentially awkward for the bride while she sits there while everybody spends 15 minutes trying to figure out who should pay what for the bill. That's why, in my opinion, it is much easier and pleasant to simply split it 4 ways. Where we have had a non-drinker in the group, we simply take some money off their share - the drinkers owe $45 each and the non drinker owes $35 or whatever.
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. It's awkward. When I was MOH, I got so frustrated I just ended up paying for the bride fully myself. Is that an option for you? Perhaps someone can be in charge of picking up the bride's restaurant tab, and the others the rounds of drinks following. Or, do what leah suggested-- split evenly, and then discount the non-drinker's a bit.

parker624 · October 2010

I know you have a small party, so it might be easier to just do separate checks and split the bride's bill. I've also done it where the MOH takes care of the bills and later divides it up between the guests, so we paid her a few days later. It made it less awkard for the bride, who didn't have to sit there and watch her MOH get money from everyone.

Beachy730 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:62a3ebf7-d0d3-4e18-807a-5b21b808a68d">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]Argh - this is always a sticky situation. In reality, if you go with the theory that each person pays for their own and then 1/4 of the bride's bill, it always gets messy. It always goes something like this " OK, I had the chicken franciase for 14.99 and, oh, we did split that apetizer so that is, what, 5$? Oh, and don't forget my soda... How much of the tax is mine?" Inevitably, the bill ends up somehow short and someone ends up just throwing another $20 in just to resolve the darn bill. Bring a calculator, put someone in charge of figuring out the bill and get ready for a headache. Or get separate bills and ask that any shared appetizers go on the bride bill, then split that bill equally. I just think that splitting hte bill based on what everyone each com=nsumed is a real headache and also is potentially awkward for the bride while she sits there while everybody spends 15 minutes trying to figure out who should pay what for the bill. That's why, in my opinion, it is much easier and pleasant to simply split it 4 ways. Where we have had a non-drinker in the group, we simply take some money off their share - the drinkers owe $45 each and the non drinker owes $35 or whatever.
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

Yeah ditto this exactly. I can't stand doing that, and you're right, you never end up with enough money. And it is very awkward for the bride to sit there, and if it were me I would be insisting on throwing the extra money.

Partymixx27 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-non-drinker?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bd544e9-53e2-453b-8f3c-1a30dead869ePost:62a3ebf7-d0d3-4e18-807a-5b21b808a68d">Re: Bachelorette Party Etiquette for non-drinker</a>:
[QUOTE]Argh - this is always a sticky situation. In reality, if you go with the theory that each person pays for their own and then 1/4 of the bride's bill, it always gets messy. It always goes something like this " OK, I had the chicken franciase for 14.99 and, oh, we did split that apetizer so that is, what, 5$? Oh, and don't forget my soda... How much of the tax is mine?" Inevitably, the bill ends up somehow short and someone ends up just throwing another $20 in just to resolve the darn bill. Bring a calculator, put someone in charge of figuring out the bill and get ready for a headache. Or get separate bills and ask that any shared appetizers go on the bride bill, then split that bill equally. I just think that splitting hte bill based on what everyone each com=nsumed is a real headache and also is potentially awkward for the bride while she sits there while everybody spends 15 minutes trying to figure out who should pay what for the bill. That's why, in my opinion, it is much easier and pleasant to simply split it 4 ways. Where we have had a non-drinker in the group, we simply take some money off their share - the drinkers owe $45 each and the non drinker owes $35 or whatever.
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that awkwardness about figuring out the extras is wanted to avoid, when I wind up doing this in a group people usually underestimate thier share because they don't figure tax and gratuity. If I knew the girls better I might ask for their opinion beforehand, but I'm not sure now. Mabye we can wait and see, and if it ends up we all let's say get a $20 entree and two drinks, then we can possibly agree to split evenly, but if it's all over the map we'll pay our own and figure the bride's, or I'll just pay hers. I like the idea of splitting evenly plus knocking some off the non-drinker's total, but that could get sticky too if the other amounts are off.

I'm the type to always throw in extra too when other people dicker about the tax and tip. I still think it's safest to pay our own way plus a portion of the bride's, and hopefully we can do this without much hassle. I am certainly not bringing a calculator to a bachelorette party though. LOL Hopefullly people won't be anal about a few bucks here and there, but it's when one like gets a salad and someone else orders a steak and a few martinis, that's a problem.

sister2groom · October 2010

1. If you're not hosting the party, try to have an estimate of how much the bride will cost ahead of time, just so people have an idea of how much they need to chip in. I mean, if one girl has completely different expectations of how much it will be, it could be pretty embarassing if she sees the bill and can't really afford it. Give the girls rough totals before you nail in your plans, and ask if that's OK with them because if your ideas are too lavish for them you might have to adjust.
2. I don't drink much, and often order less expensive things on the menu and it bugs when people assume I just want to split the bill if I'm watching what I spend. It's kind of hard when I went with the burger instead of the seafood and then end up paying as much as if I had.
3. At the last bachelorette party I went to I thought it worked well when one person took care of the bride's entree, another took care of her drinks, etc. It works if there are somewhat even items you can split the bill into (instead of everyone paying 1/4 of the entree and the dessert, etc.), but obviously that doesn't work all the time.
4. One thing that's not fun is if some guests have to ask others for money. I was supposed to split the bride's spa bill and felt like a jerk when I had to tell this other BM how much to give me.
5. If you can't split it up quite evenly, it would be nice if you could be the one picking up the slack, it might be a little hard to take if you assigned that role to someone else.

leah2b · October 2010

Maybe you could call the restuarant in advance and ask if they will do separate checks for a party of 4. THat way, its nice and clean and then you each could split the bride bill 4 ways, which is easy. You could try to discretely ask the waiter to do this when you get there. I honestly don't think you should be responsible for paying the whole bride bill yourself. Every bachelorette I have ever been to, we all kicked in (whether in wedding party or not).

After dinner, who ever wants to buy bride a drink from there, does.

kimandken2010 · October 2010

As a non-drinker, I agree with having everyone pay for themselves but then splitting the bride's bill 4 ways. Make sure you ask everyone BEFOREHAND if they would be willing to do this though!

leah2b · October 2010

Why wouldn't they be willing to split the bride bill? What would they expect?

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